First I want to share the card spread I got today. My intention was praying for "soul sisters":
This reminds me that:
1. I need to be looking for mentors and role models, attuned to possibilities here.
2. To shift the energy here, I NEED more solitude. It is hard to find, but for me it is necessary. Processing what happens to me generates the energy that moves me forward in life, and more importantly, that keeps me from getting caught up in a type of cultural centrifugal force that first captures me in its movement, and then drags me down...down...down to where I feel like I'm circling a spiritual drain.
3. I need to work. WORK. Work at visualizing and getting excited with positive expectation towards what I want. Spiritual community. Rich spiritual community. Positive, loving, intelligent friends.
And then, I wanted to share something fun that started off my day RIGHT. I first had a quiet time, and wrote extensively in my journal. Then, I had a lovely breakfast. This was Castellana pasta with fresh tarragon, tomatoes from my garden mixed with olive oil, French salt mixed with lavender, topped with my chickens' eggs:
Decadent? Indulgent? Actually, I am switching my focus from "losing weight" or "releasing weight" to "reclaiming my beauty", which is scary for me.
First, I got rid of my scale.
Then, I stopped thinking about food all the time; I naturally eat healthfully, and love food...I just have, in the past, eaten to nurture myself and focused too intensively on this as a sole way of finding nurturance. I demanded from myself to stop thinking about dieting and decided to get sustenance and pleasure from food, and forget about losing weight...while at the same time, not overeating...
So I allowed myself this lovely breakfast. I would have felt guilty before, but not today. I am reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert with Deb from Spiritual Anecdotes. I am enjoying myself! And expecting in the long run, that if I keep my choices healthy, refuse to overeat, and develop OTHER sources of pleasures...then the weight will take care of itself.
Of course, this is not a popular plan.
But I like it, and alternate between knowing that it will be successful, and occasionally being scared out of my mind that I'm going to be 250 pounds (again) and in a wheelchair (again). But this feels right to me. I'm a different person now than I was then, and am strongly motivated to push ahead this unconventional way, knowing in my heart that it is best for my body...and my soul.