My Word for the Year: Valid

This word for the year requires some explanation, because I really want you to get how big it is for me.

Originally I started with the idea from this post by Patti Digh that I wanted to let go of striving. Yes! This passivity, or even better--surrender--is something that I want to incorporate into 2011. I don't want to push or try or force anything. I want to allow, to unfold, to unfurl...

I still want to do this.

Valid is something that I am. Not something I need to try to attain. But I haven't known this for most of my life.

For years I was an "invalid" (see the not "valid" in "invalid"?) and my greatest fear is, I've realized, becoming an invalid again...this was how the word "valid" first began to speak to me. My mother was someone who suffered, and I have been like her. I had CFIDS (chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia) for more than a decade, plus abusive husbands, poverty, and a panoply of physical ailments to deal with. I was like my mother in other ways, too. For years I lived as though I had no voice, no joy, no power, no money, no anger (when I should have), and submitted myself to harsh religious systems (and at times, cults) to find meaning in life.

All of this has changed as I've grown older, and especially since I had my first blog, tappingluau, and now happyluau. I'm not the same person I was. However, the sense of being "not enough" or of being of little worth has still been a theme in my life. With some of the counseling I've been having, plus the tapping (fasterEFT) I've been doing as a spiritual practice, I've realized this recently.

"Valid" says, to me, that I have intrinsic worth, intrinsic value, and that I matter. I count as much as anyone else. My opinions and beliefs matter. My feelings matter. My wants and my needs matter. I don't deserve to be treated poorly or tossed aside. I am not invisible. I am not (as someone in a significant relationship referred to me in the past, really!) a "car in the garage" to be used whenever someone (say, that person) decides I am useful. I am neither an invalid nor "not valid" nor inconsequential nor "not worthy". I am valid. 

Now to most of you--my dear blog readers--this sounds so obvious it would almost be silly. Yet as I wrote the above, I cried. It is so profound, and something that I've never applied to myself at a heart level.  It is key for me in being able to select my own church. It is key for me in being able to lose weight. It is key for me in being able to stop taking poor treatment from people, and for becoming angry and acting appropriately when I am treated poorly. It is key for me in stopping self-defeating behaviors and sabotaging my own success. It is absolutely vital for me in being able to be who I am.

There is nothing I have to DO to be "valid", either. I just am. That is the "allow" and "surrender" part. As I keep believing this, re-membering it daily, and applying it to my life, things will keep changing in 2011. This whole process will unfold and unfurl and without striving my life will become what I need it to be.

I can't wait.



~Photo of a bird's egg in our garden by LoveHubbie Mark, edited by me

Online Authenticity, Identity, Vulnerability

Our world is changing so much. With blogging and Facebook and Twitter we are able to share more of ourselves with the world and with various types of people, with people we know in different settings, and even with people we don't know at all.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who I'll call S. She recently tried Facebook and then opted out. She realized that she had so many different kinds of friends and family members and decided she wanted her privacy after all. There were people she friended who she knew well and trusted. Then there were the family members that she might not want to share all of her life with. There were people she hardly knew who would also be her Facebook friends. She chose for right now not to expose her life to this wide and diverse group of people. It didn't feel safe for her right now. I completely understand why she did this.

I've been blogging for so many years, and have, over the years, revealed more and more of myself here. Still, there are many things that I haven't revealed. A general standard I use is that if I would be okay with it published on the front page of our town paper or brought up about me in a lawsuit, then it would be okay for me to blog about. The types of things that have fallen into that standard have increased more and more over the years. Now, I don't mind people knowing about me dealing with depression, or having struggles with my weight, or knowing my feelings about any number of things.

Over the years the number and breadth of participants in my online life has expanded. It includes people who are distant relatives, total strangers, people I've worked for, people who have worked for me, estranged family members, close family members, old friends, people from high school, people I dearly love (that's probably YOU), and even one bizarre old-friend-turned-stalker.

I guess the hardest thing is revealing parts of my soul to people who I call "my enemies". Now I know that some of you don't believe in enemies per se, but I consider them people who would be happy at my misfortune. I do have enemies by this definition. Most of these so-called enemies have very little to do with me in my offline life, but then for some reason choose to read my blog. Unnerving. It can be hard to be vulnerable to them. However, over the years as I've let go of much of the shame for being who I am, for admitting the ways in which I'm less than than perfect, I feel comfortable with my enemies knowing my weaknesses and vulnerable areas. For me it is part of learning how to love my enemies. But it has been and continues to be a process.

Another challenging yet beautiful part of having an online identity is integrating the different personas I have. Being just one person, the same in every situation. Not everyone wants to do this, of course. I do. It's scary, but it helps me grow in a direction that's really good for me right now.

Some people do this really successfully and I admire them. They are authentic and revealing. They put themselves out there and don't hold back. I am learning to do this. This doesn't mean that I don't have a private life--because I definitely do. It's just that people can know me in a way that wasn't really possible before to any but my closest friends--and they may at the same time even be a stranger to me. Or they may be a kind and savvy salesperson wanting to know more about me before making a sale (this has happened to me). Or someone coming to work for me in my home (this has happened too). Or they may be my enemy.

Learning to be authentic, having no persona at all, and being vulnerable in chosen ways is very helpful for me in dealing with accepting myself for who I am; I'm not saying it's right for everyone at every time, but just that it's right for me, now. I like being just one real person--me.

What I'm wondering is how you feel about this in your own online life...any insights or even tidbits you might want to share. Not so much about revealing things about other people, but in revealing things about you. I want to learn from you.

The Question: "What Do You Do For a Living?"

Today my blog post is related to something that Kristine wrote about being authentic (I hope to do several future posts on this) and something from Jane's blog. I've been thinking lately about online identity and authenticity and have so much to share about this, and will soon. But to start off, I want to write about Jane. She wrote:

Lately I feel so inadequate when we're out somewhere and someone will ask what I do for a living and all I can do is sit there wishing I was invisible.

I remember having many conversations about this matter with Chani. As confident and as secure as Chani was, she would feel exactly the same way as Jane and would hate this question. As many of you know, Chani lived on disability (after a long career) but would not want to discuss this with people, and yet felt uncomfortable telling people that she was "retired". She hated that people would even ask how she spent her time getting the money she lived on.

In our culture this is how we evaluate people and get to know people. It is an important cultural value that we define ourselves by how productive we are, how busy we are, and how much money we make--all three are tied together and define worth, often self-worth.

I remember years ago I was a systems analyst working for a prominent Christian ministry. I would proudly answer the question. I made a good salary and the Christian ministry was well-regarded in my town. The only thing--the only thing--I liked about this job was that I got to buy nice clothes and dress up and carry a briefcase and say I was a systems analyst. I envied bank tellers especially and other people who got to talk to people in their jobs. Or people who liked their jobs. I felt like I was in prison for eight hours a day.

Years later, ill (surprise!) with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I was embarrassed about my lack of present career success (like Jane and Chani) and would try to think of something that "sounded good" to tell people. I was a "domestic engineer" or an "aspiring book indexer" or "consultant" (since I was occasionally able to pick up higher-level free-lance work). I still felt bad about the image I was projecting about my career success, reflecting (I thought) my worth.

A decade ago I married LoveHubbie, who has an extremely successful career. Suddenly it was okay with everyone that I was at home and the expectations to be successful in some career were lessened. As long as I volunteered or had some kind of socially-acceptable pastime like being a writer or an artist, I had acceptance with people. My husband took care of providing for us, so somehow that gave me more choices in who I could present myself as and still have approval. I liked saying that I was "a writer" or a "life coach" and it made things easier. (Although I am a writer and have been a life coach, I have not earned consequential money from either.)

Then I got involved in the online world and found like-minded people (you all wonderful ones) who I could just be myself with. This was life-changing for me. No one knew or cared how I paid my bills, or even if I paid my bills. It is a very edifying way to know people--apart from how they earn money. Even if I know about someone's career, it is just one part of who they are, not their entire identity.

I have found that this generalizes to my life offline. When people ask what I do, I tell them I'm a homemaker. I really like saying that, and I'm proud of it. If they still seem interested (usually they do not), I tell them I write reviews and have a blog, that I like to make art and enjoy encouraging people. I tell them that mostly I support my husband's career and really enjoy that.

I definitely do not enjoy most household management tasks (except laundry, which I love) but every job has aspects that are boring or mundane or distasteful. I cherish being in charge of my time, and being able to manage my time so that I can do things that I love. I can watch the weather each day and take walks in between the raindrops. I can look out on nature from my home and be inspired to write. I can read books that truly interest me. I can think and process and form opinions. I can nurture my spirituality and stay close to God. I can emotionally support my husband when he is spent at the end of the day, and then all he has to be concerned about is resting for the next day when he'll go out and conquer the world. What privileges these are!

If someone loses interest in me because I'm a homemaker, I'm kind of glad. I don't think we'd be a good match for friendship, or even good discussions. It sort of weeds out people easily, so that I can find the folks who look at who people are rather than what they do.

I feel incredibly blessed with this lifestyle, and if people don't understand I get it, but I feel like they are missing out.

My wish for each one of you (and for me, too) is that you find your place in the world doing what you love to do and that you are able to see the whole of who you are and to see others this way too--we are more than just our job, our sexuality, our spirituality, our political views, our roles--we are multi-dimensional beings. May you find the place where you can grow and blossom and thrive.

Life is so short; and how sad to have regrets at the end. I think that Chani did have many. My wish for you is to have no regrets.