Anita Roberts Video

I found this video via Patti Digh and Sophia Leadership. It's about the sense that each woman has about what is good for her and right--her intuition--and how we listen to it--but it is about so much more than that. It's a TED talk, and so it is almost 17 minutes, but you will not regret watching it, if you are a woman, I promise you this.

Returning From Paradise

Three Great Things

I have so much to share with you, and today I want to share three really, really great things. I want to encourage you to make time to read/watch all three of them, because they are worth it and will inspire you to live your life better.

The first is a fantastic blog post called "Weighing In On Oprah" by Brene Brown, the author of the wonderful book "I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame", as well as the blog "Ordinary Courage". In her post, she writes about Oprah's recent revelations in O Magazine, as well as shame for women around body issues in general, and her reflections on her own recovery and 12 Step programs. I think there is something in this post that will touch you.

The second is a wonderful blog post by Lori-Lyn about perspective, something we can all use.

Last is a video by author Kelly Corrigan called "Transcending Words on Women and Strength". The video has had almost 2 1/2 million views and is 5:07 in length (get some tissues) :

BE BRAVE: Post 14: Wellness Wednesday: My Friends Held Me Up

Thank you, my wonderful friends.
Thank you to each one of you who were in my corner.
Who sent your thoughts, prayers, love, light, and support my way,
Who counseled me to trust the process.
Who told me to say "I'm safe in the arms of love" and to envision myself wrapped and held in angel wings...Yes, I met my angels!
Who told me to breathe.
Who were thinking of me these last days,
Who told me they hoped I was alright and would see some good days soon,
That all things would pass,
To batten down the hatches, tie myself to the wheel, and ride it out.
That surrender was the only way.
Who told me I was strong, and I could do it,
To hang in there and swim through.
Who sent puppy kisses, buckets of love, and hugs,
Who told me I'd come through this stronger than ever,
And to focus on the next five minutes.
To hang in there.
To continue to be brave.

I appreciate you all. I haven't been reading your blogs, but will be soon. Instead, I was hunkering down in and drawing strength via your comments, prayer---I now have a vibrant prayer life, which is a first---and I even stepped out and called two of you, which for me is a BE BRAVE step, but one that yielded great fruit for me.

I wish I could tell you what happened, but I know you will understand since it involves others, not just me, but me too in a big way. It comes off as being mysterious, and I'm sorry about that. I could have ignored it and tried to blog around it, but it is my life right now, everything is changing, I'm in the middle of BE BRAVE, and besides, I needed you. I have been in the Land of Surrender where I have been stepping slowly and taking good care of myself so that I can be clear-headed and calm to make decisions.

It's Wellness Wednesday, and I am well.

As many of you know, during trauma and grief it is sometimes weird to do "normal" things. Today was the first day I had lots of time for "normal" things. It was the first day I didn't feel like I was putting on a huge acting show using all my strength and will when I needed to pretend as though everything was fine (like with the pest man and the post office clerk). It still feels a little odd to do normal things, but it's getting easier.

I am grateful that I was in the middle of BE BRAVE for this. And that I have some bravery muscles and bravery skills. Gosh, this process prepares you for life! I'm not going to even attempt to detail BE BRAVE actions as they were innumerable and consistent, plus I don't want to relive the last five days for anything.

I was even more grateful to feel the support of you all behind me, telling me that I could absolutely do this.

I met angels, indeed. And I found family, real family (which I have no experience with in real life)---as in people who are there for you and would give you the shirt off their back---in unexpected places.

This will be a part of my life for at least several months, so I may refer to it. It is a great relief to have a place to continue to share my feelings and experiences and ideas and life lessons in an authentic way, even if I can't "lay it all on you" :) Thank you for being there.

Much love,

O

~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark

Nice Guests, Learned A Lot

LoveHubbie's family members, D & J, were such nice guests and we had a good time. Everything with the house and me was fine and of course no one cared how either looked! What was particularly significant about this visit was that both my husband and his brother have had serious health issues in the past few years, as well as some family misunderstandings, so it was a time of healing, and a time of knowing that they don't have forever to be with each other or to work things out. It was wonderful, intense, and I learned something very important.

What I learned had nothing to do with my lovely guests but all with me. I am always anxious that everyone feel comfortable and have interaction and a good time, so I minimize or eliminate time for the things that I need that are very anti-social (reading, quiet time, silence, internet, blogging, contemplative walking, sleep, thinking, processing) or, in the words of Karen in a comment here, "I'm not consciously choosing actions that will let me be me." This is due to my consciously choosing things that involve being hospitable to other people and entertaining them, but in the process I feel like I lose myself...even in just 4 days. I would never have believed that my identity was so fragile and tenuous, but apparently it is. When I put myself into enjoyable situations of interaction that go on for days I suffer, and I end up losing my way. Many people (like our guests) thrive on this, and even gain energy and well being from it, but I'm not one of those people.

I wonder if this is age or depression or if it's just my personality. I know that in the future I need to do things differently, but I really don't know how. At the time I feel as though I want to be with my company, especially since it could be years until I see them again; or as we advance in age, I may never see them again. I thought I'd be more resilient. But I guess I just have to accept that this time I was not.

LoveHubbie wasn't resilient either, though, and he is a real extrovert. He is still making up for lost sleep he volunteered to skip in order to have an enjoyable time. His health is rather precarious, so it is not a minor thing when he does this.

A good friend of mine is coming to visit in mid-August, but she is older, and I can keep my various appointments, keep my life going, and she will probably rest, read, enjoy the garden, and not want to be on the go or sightseeing and eating formal meals all the time. With her it might be easier to practice consciously choosing things that help me be me---but these are things she likes to do too---so I will still be being hospitable.

We live. We learn. We change.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Breathing Alone in Bellevue

If you haven't been reading my blog, this is a continuing saga that will make more sense if you read first this, then this, and finally this.

I never did go back to my seminar. I'd decided not to after my Wednesday night experience. Good, you say. I know, I hear you!

But I still had to talk to LoveHubbie and tell him that for right now the money he'd put out for the seminar was potentially lost. I'd bought the hotel room reservation over Priceline so I thought that the unused amount could be lost too. I did not expect him to be supportive but he was very supportive. Then I did all of the housekeeping stuff: withdrawing from the seminar, setting things up to get my money back (since I charged it on my credit card, thank goodness), trying to get the hotel remainder money back, talking to a doctor about my earache (which was still severe), getting my knee taken care of (I fell walking up some stairs too...don't ask) with a knee brace, ducking the cult calls and emails.

I wanted to emotionally recover and adjust. In a way that would help me to learn about resilience---which is, after all, my theme here. Little did I know that I wouldn't just study about it and think about it, but that I'd be challenged to exercise resilience!

What helped me the most was reading your comments, friends! They helped me along the way so much. It was healing to me to respond to each comment and think about it and integrate it into my experience so that I grow from this. My boundaries are obviously needing strengthening; I'd thought that after a strong cult background and a multitude of abusive relationships, I'd be beyond this, but alas! I still have lessons to learn.

I also decided to do something creative, which I will do soon and share with you. It's a surprise! I'm in Leah's Creative Every Day 2008 Challenge, and although I've been quiet about it, I've been getting a lot out of it and decided to really step out here. You'll see :) I want to Be Brave in a sensible, creative, healing way and then share it with you.

In the interests of resilience, I decided to stay and finish my "retreat". Mainly because I couldn't get my money back. But still. I could have gone home, but I've been writing productively on my book, and am treating myself to a hotel retreat. It feels very extravagant, but LoveHubbie is on board with it and supportive...and since the money is spent anyway, it makes sense. I am working four hours a day and enjoying every minute of it. I want to keep this habit up when I go home.

It's fun because there is nothing to do but write or take breaks. I can still exercise and do yoga (albeit with a knee brace)..there are some poses that work. I can still walk (albeit slowly, with that dang knee brace) around downtown Bellevue. Lots of time to think, read, and nothing else to distract me. I just love it. Paradise!

And Kelly's breathing exercise from Eckhart Tolle still haunts me, and is the breathing exercise that after all is said and done most appeals to me...simply noticing my breathing as often as I remember. It's easy, simple, and free. And it works. And it has no creepy cult associated with it, either.

Thank you..everyone...those who commented and those who didn't...but especially those of you who cheered me on here. Know that your support made a huge difference to me.

~Photo from Cute Overload

Breathing in Bellvue

Well, I'm now in Bellevue Washington, home of Microsoft, staying at a hotel and taking a special breathing/yoga seminar here tonight and for the rest of the week. It's only evenings, and then all day on the weekends. I'm working on my book as well, plus re-invigorating my yoga practice. And learning Microsoft Vista...and how to use a laptop. Lots of learning. But it's peaceful and I'm sure I'll get a lot done.

I wanted to take a personal theme for this seminar---Resilience. I hope to be thinking about this and posting about this topic while I'm here. I haven't been resilient...and want to explore becoming so.

Webster's defines "resilient" as:
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

I'm hoping to do all three. Not necessarily over the next six days, of course, but I hope to get a great start.

Yoga is great for depression. So is breathing. The course is with the Art of Living Foundation, which I knew nothing about, but read about them in this book and then again several weeks ago in this book. I'm a wee bit nervous, but quite excited to take a healing step in my personal growth. So by focusing on learning these new skills, I hope to increase my resilience.

I had this trip planned before my May Day crash. Good thing!

Here's a peek at my surroundings. It's 2:24 long. It's been a long time since I've done a video!