I Want to Go To Green Mountain

I am going to write a post about the wonderful comments you wrote on my Valentine's Day post and what I learned---so check back soon!

Instead, tonight I wanted to share with you a post about why I want to win Karen C.L. Anderson's big Giveaway for a trip to Green Mountain at Fox Run. Tomorrow (Feb 16th) is the last day to enter, so if you are interested, enter right now! Anyway, here is the essay I wrote about why I want to win:

"I think that self-love, self-acceptance, self-validation--the lack of these are the roots of my almost half-century of disordered eating. I have tried numerous other ways to approach my relationship with food and none have been helpful in any long-lasting or real way. Of all of the ways I have tried, constant dieting and food restriction has been the most destructive.

I have resonated with the work of Geneen Roth and Mary O’Malley on compulsive overeating. I have tried to apply their processes with varying degrees of success at different times in my life. I do believe that they have the answer, and I need to work with myself to learn to become skillful and mindful in the way I eat. Although I’ve read widely on self-acceptance, mindful eating, and intuitive eating, so many questions remain. I think that there are many things I need to discover for myself and many things that I can only experience with others. 

I enjoyed re-reading Karen’s posts about her Green Mountain experience and have a couple of reflections: 

Karen included in one post a quote from Darla Breckenridge: "Abusing food cuts our heads off from our bodies.” I think that this disconnection is what I’ve wanted somehow, or at least not minded. Unfortunately, it is also the reason I avoid yoga and meditation and most activities that involve my body--because the body becomes one with the mind and heart, and for me this still feels like too much to bear. But yet I want to go there…

I would so like to reconnect my head to my body, even though I also fear it! I know that I have been stuck in a destructive cycle of self-loathing for most of my life. I know that a childhood of physical and verbal abuse as well as abusive adult relationships have affected my ability to be whole. I am at last working towards reparenting myself, learning to value myself, and finding love, acknowledgement, and safety--especially from myself. 

I would see my time at Green Mountain as a chance to focus on applying what I know in a safe, supportive environment with others on the same journey as I am. I can actually practice there with support. I would love to take the classes and take the time to look within to find answers to my questions."

It's easy to enter the Giveaway, and the winner is chosen at random based on entries, so you don't need to write the best essay. I spent some time on this and posted it because I wanted to be clear about where I am currently with my problem with emotional eating. And of course, because I would be sharing it with you. Karen has links on her blog to several posts she wrote about it if you want to find out more.

How I Really Lost the Weight

Based on the comments on my post from yesterday, I wanted to clarify a few things about my weight loss.

I do highly recommend Marianne Williamson's new book--A Course in Weight Loss--if you are metaphysically oriented. Otherwise you will not enjoy the book. I was talking to LoveHubbie about it and he thought things like "being in your body" were "mumbo jumbo..." "Where else would I be?", he wondered, and could not understand it no matter how I tried to explain it. It is a very metaphysical book from the perspective of the "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM) study path and is excellent. If you like ACIM, you'll like the book. For me, though, the book alone would have not been sufficient. I own most of the best weight loss books that exist--I'm convinced of that.

My very favorite book is "Transformational Weight Loss" by Charles Eisenstein.  See some of my TWL posts from two years ago here. Here is another book by Charles Eisenstein called "The Yoga of Eating". These are great. I had lots of insights and changed for a short time. But the net result of a "bibliotherapy alone" approach for me was no substantial change.

For me, it took more than just books.

I knew I needed support as well. I had a diet buddy--Kat--and four people who followed me and offered support on my private diet blog. I had to be accountable to post my weight every day. And blog about my progress or lack of progress. And some of my feelings, too, which was as important. Was I dealing with my feelings by eating? I knew I couldn't cheat and not have to discuss it the next day. Which I did--cheat and then discuss it. But there were people coming along with me.

In addition, the people at the chiropractor's office, including my chiropractor and his receptionist were doing the diet along with me, so I would phone my weight into them weekly as well. This was support for me.

Plus I did the new form of tapping that I am studying intensively called "faster EFT". At first I did it very little and had enormous resistance to using it. Now it is a spiritual practice for me. This has been a great side effect of the diet. It is a life skill and spiritual practice that I want to be permanent as it is a great emotional management tool and spiritual centering tool.

Using fasterEFT, I would tap for cravings. And tap late at night when I usually eat. And tap for troubling emotions during the day. So I was dealing with my feelings instead of avoiding them.

Lastly, the homeopathic drops. I needed physiological help. Most of you who are readers of my blog know that I am ardently anti-diet. At the same time, my metabolism was messed up. Plus I was hypoglycemic and couldn't eat any less than I was already eating. I was hungry most of the time anyway, and would often get hypoglycemic and sick when I would try to wait to eat. I was eating very cleanly, low glycemic, sugar-free and as little as I could anyway---that was my eating style. Still, I felt tired and starving and was filled with cravings at 220 pounds! So I needed some type of "metabolic reset", and for me, for some unknown reason, the homeopathic hcg drops worked. At least today, on the second day of maintenance, my metabolism feels healthy, I don't feel tormented by cravings, I am not obsessed by trying to hold myself back from food, and I feel good. I have felt good for weeks.

People say, "It's easy to lose weight; it's keeping it off that's hard." Well, for me, losing weight has been hard my whole life.

I have tried many other diets over the years out of desperation and couldn't lose weight on them even when I was much younger and thinner. When Nutri-System first came out I was in college and tried them for a month. They ended up refunding my money because I didn't lose weight! At that time, I was playing women's ice hockey and only eating their food at a price I couldn't afford. And they had a nurse who monitored you to make sure you stayed in ketosis. I still couldn't lose weight. So this has been a lifelong problem.

I cannot imagine being successful without this multi-pronged approach. Each part was essential. All of them worked together and any one alone would have been very nice and interesting and helpful but not sufficient. 

Some more helpful components:

• The strict protocol on the hcg diet, and my following it for the most part, even on Thanksgiving.
• The example of LoveHubbie who is diabetic and my friend Akoni who is dying of diabetes--I saw my future, since I am pre-diabetic.
• Getting caught in the bus turnstile in Brazil. And barely fitting in the plane seats. Knowing I was almost "too fat to fly". 
• Not fitting into my 2X (size 20W-22W) clothes...not being willing to special order 3X clothes. 

For me (since I have so much more weight to lose--I weigh 193 but I fit into blue jeans!) this is just the start of a journey. I am doing what feels like "repatterning" (a Marianne Williamson word)--changing how I do many of the things in my life one step at a time. The challenge before me is maintaining my new weight or pretty close to it at a much higher calorie level, through the holidays and a vacation--and then later in the spring tackling the next round of the homeopathic hcg diet.


~Photo by Roderick Lee Dail 30 years ago

A Path Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You

My class with Charles Eisenstein is called "The Yoga of Eating" and is based upon his book by that name. Many of you are familiar with Charles Eisenstein's book "Transformational Weight Loss" (TWL), a book that is an in depth look at part of "The Yoga of Eating" (YOE) that deals with weight loss. TWL is about much more than that, as those of you who have read it know. TWL and YOE are about the practice of trusting your body and all that this entails.

The YOE class is absolutely fantastic because it is a chance to converse with the author via Skype, ask him questions, discuss obstacles to my practice, and hear ideas that were not presented in the books. My class is small, so I get a chance to express my thoughts about what I've read and ask as many questions as I have. I cannot put into words how much, how positively this class and my readings are affecting me.

Both TWL and YOE are about much more than food, eating, and weight issues. They are about a different way of looking at oneself, life and the world. After my second class (number two of three) I decided that I was desperately hungry (pun intended) to find out more and so began to read Charles Eisenstein's "Ascent of Humanity" (AOH), planning on finishing it before my next and last class.



AOH is almost 600 pages, is Charles Eisenstein's life work, and looks (when you pick it up) intellectually demanding, dry, and philosophical (in a bad way). I've had it for about four months but it frankly intimidated me. After the last class though, I didn't care how hard it would be to plow through because I wanted to read it. I was very pleasantly surprised. AOH is intellectual, but passionate and spiritual and most of all---mind-blowing and life-changing. It fits in with everything, everything we've been reading here in our on-line community.

So I started AOH yesterday before I got sick and now I hate to put it down, even to come here to blog. I don't want to do anything else but read it. I want to find out what is coming next! I want to finish it before Tuesday so that I can ask the author any questions I might have. It is the type of book that you read once and feel it's impact, then read again and again to integrate into your life, to think about, and (I hope) to discuss it with others.

None of these books are full of dogma to be read and accepted or rejected. They are compilations of out-of-the box reframes about commonly held cultural assumptions. They are questions. They are new ways of looking at life. Most of all, they are invitations to experience truth for yourself and to come to conclusions that are life-affirming, playful, and joyful.



If you liked TWL, read YOE. If you've got to find out more, then read AOH. AOH fell into place for me after reading the novel "World Made By Hand".

If this all sounds like way too much, or if you just want to find out more but not immerse yourself at this point as I am doing, Charles Eisenstein is making serial videos about the content of AOH here. What really comes through in the videos is Charles Eisenstein's gentle and peaceful spirit and intellect. He says that the purpose of AOH and his other seminars based upon his books is to be life-changing. In my case, he has already succeeded.

However, the impact of all three of his books will continue to reverberate through my life as I integrate what I am learning from them into my spiritual practice. This part---this integration---has only just begun for me and is a journey. It is a setting aside of a lifetime of being a part of a culture that did not resonate with me in so many ways and left me filled with anxiety always and depression often. I am happy to embark on a different way, unsure of where it will lead me, but certain that I am where I need to be.



~Pictures By LoveHubbie Mark

~Post Title Shamelessly Stolen from Oprah about "A Course in Miracles"

Tumultuous Tuesday

Today I had a very intense day made up of many appointments, lots of stress at home, doctor's results---fodder for posts for days---causing me to yearn for my upcoming vacation, always a time of spiritual and emotional renewal as well as physical r&r.

The day was capped off by the second of three "The Yoga of Eating" classes with Charles Eisenstein, (see some excerpts here) which blew my remaining circuits (those that remained unblown after today)...but in a good way. A profound way.

More tomorrow. Bed now, but not till I wish a fine friend a happy birthday in about a half hour (Wednesday)!

Emotional Practice

Tagging sensations---translating bodily sensations into emotions---is a skill, an emotional practice. I've trained myself and received formal training as well in doing this for others via graduate school in counseling and a post-graduate certificate in life coaching. However, having a personal emotional practice in identifying and dealing with my feelings is something that I've trained myself for half a century not to do:

Early years of being physically beaten and verbally battered as a child and trying to deny and/or forget my feelings
So that I could survive and be able to love my parents even at the cost of distrusting myself and my feelings.

Years of schooling and working jobs while ignoring any feelings I might have
So that I could be productive and achieve, achieve, achieve...

Years spent in a fundamentalist religion and training myself to overcome any and all feelings
So that I could better serve God.

Eons spent in unhealthy marriages valuing the longevity of the marriage over my own needs and desires
So that I could successfully avoid divorce...
I've been married three times.


It's pretty amazing to realize this. In an odd way, I'm appreciative of my weight problem and emotional eating struggles which negatively affect my health, forcing me to develop a healthy emotional practice now. It is apparently only now that I am old enough, strong enough, mature enough, strong enough, and safe enough to do this. I am grateful!



~Pictures by LoveHubbie Mark

Wellness Wednesday: Mindful Meals

Well folks, I've finally done it. One mindful night (last night) with a mindful dinner with LoveHubbie and then no meals or snacking later (because I didn't want any and I listened to my body) and two mindful meals so far today, a last one coming up soon. I've had more mindful meals in the last 24 hours than in my whole remembered life so far! That means no television, no radio, no books, just me and the food. I have been consciously breathing and very cautiously navigating through the day. This feels very miraculous and definitely too-good-to-be-true.

I have been feeling my feelings---they're sort of fleeting and more like glimpses of feelings---which has been weird and uncomfortable and good and enlivening. I expect this to feel awkward and just like this at first---very surreal.

I know that I've just begun the whole process but it's so good to just begin. Lots of work to do, but I have time to do it---the rest of my life. I feel as though my life has an additional dimension that I am just now seeing...that I've been missing...but it feels like a dream, too, as though it could vanish at any point.

It's just really the first day, so all of this is natural.

It's been a Wonderful Wellness Wednesday.

~Picture via Cute Overload

Sacred Life Sunday: Easy Does It

Today I took some time and reread "Transformational Weight Loss" (TWL) by Charles Eisenstein very slowly. Very, very slowly. This time I really paid attention and looked at what I'd absorbed and what I'd forgotten. When I first read TWL back in early December, I was so excited. It resonated with me after years of dieting and reading diet books and following unusual and rigid diet plans. I began to apply the concepts and then promptly forgot so much of what I'd read.

Rereading TWL yet again impressed upon me how revolutionary the concepts are and how vigilantly I'll need to apply them, at least at first. On the one hand, TWL is extremely easy and simple. On the other, it is challenging because it involves major changes in my long-standing beliefs. It is important to me to make the necessary changes now in preparation for the group that starts in February. I want to try out many things that I just read about and then never applied. In rereading TWL, I realized:

1. I did not learn in my body (i.e., get the "body knowledge") about which foods truly feed me and which do not nurture me. I accepted TWL in my mind but didn't apply it in order to have my body learn as well.

2. I wrote the TWL mantras down and then didn't use them. I totally forgot about them. I just blanked on them! Thus, I didn't really apply what I knew at all. I never developed self-trust, but still struggled with "explosions of pent-up desire", perceiving a "gap" that really wasn't there. Today Rick sent me an email that caused me to realize how this "gap" or wall or barrier was self-created.

3. I never really let go of control, thus continued to react to strict control by going out of control.

4. I never paused to check in with myself and thus stayed in out of control mode and never created any new habits.

5. I stayed in thinking mode also, eschewing venturing into feeling mode. I didn't continue to experiment with feeling my feelings. I stayed in my head.

6. I only ever had that one mindful meal which I vlogged about, but never did again, and totally forgot about it (or went unconscious about it) afterwards. All of my meals were accompanied by television. Thoughts of eating alone without television or reading petrified me so I didn't go there.

7. I didn't create a new vision for myself.



TWL is actually a natural process, even an easy process. But I didn't take it that way. First, I made it hard. Then I kept it in my head, never learning any new body knowledge to integrate. Lastly I forgot that I was in my head. And I ended up in a recovery group, at least knowing that something was off, but lost in a fog of remembrances and desires and control and habit.

ARRRGGGHHH!

Well, at least I realized this after only a couple of months and...umm...several pounds (I think we're into the double digits here...). But oddly enough, after rereading the book it seems amusing to me. I've made the mistakes, and I'm hoping to have learned from them. TWL will change everything for me---my entire approach to life---if I apply it! And there is no turning back now for me. I want this so badly I can taste it :)

"Most of all, you don't have to "figure out" what you are going to do. You don't need to find an answer. You don't need to find a way out. Don't go down that road. That is the road of trying hard, of struggle, and ultimately of despair. [Emphasis added.] It is enough just to be there, to be and to feel."---Charles Eisenstein in TWL

I hope think I got it. Finally.

Presence.

Breathing.

Awareness.

Feeling.

Ok, I'm there...

Thank You To My People

This video is 2:21. Again, "To My People" refers to those of you who are like-minded, who are of my tribe...

Recovery and Transformational Weight Loss

I appreciate so much the feedback that everyone gave me about my vlog from yesterday. Today I spent some time thinking about my recovery from compulsive overeating, transformational weight loss (TWL), recovery groups in general, and following my intuition.

I think that the gym will fit into my plan very well. It's the recovery group that I'm not so sure about. I have read Twelve Step literature extensively over the last week, and I am not sure if it's a good fit . Several things have happened today that have caused me to question whether it will do more harm than good for me. Let me say that I know that it can help many people enormously; I just don't know if I'm a good match for it.

In his comment, Rick wrote:

"...you can use your own spiritual center from which you already draw a great deal of strength, your belief in Transformational Weight Loss, along with the recovery program and heading to the gym, to create the O System!"

This was so helpful, as I was feeling that this was what I really wanted to do, but I was getting resistance from the people in the recovery groups I attended (I went to four different meetings). I found that when you try to self-style things there it can be viewed as a symptom of self-will or of not being teachable. I started to doubt myself, thinking "Who am I, a complete newbie at this, thinking I know more than people who have been in recovery for ten or twenty years?" Today was a wake-up call.

I do feel as though I wasn't drawing upon my spiritual beliefs enough in my previous efforts.

In her comment, Kelly wrote:

"Eisenstein's theory is that if you continue to be totally present and experience the results of your choices, it won't take will power to make the healthy choices. Do you think he's wrong or do you think you haven't spent enough time reprogramming your system?"

I agree with Eisenstein, and had forgotten what he'd said about willpower. I do NOT think I've spent enough time reprogramming my system. I started, but became diverted. Instead, I think I've bought into my feelings of fear of failure, my lack of trust in my ability to succeed at TWL, and my abject terror at the weight gain I've experienced since starting TWL. I haven't really let the process work. Then, when I started at the gym and found out that my weight started with a "2" that was the thing that sent me over the edge. If it could start with a "2" it could be a "3" or "4" or...

Spinning out of control, I'd just gotten the two cortisone shots in my foot with the admonition from my doctor to work to lose the weight to save my feet and preserve my ability to walk for exercise, one of my great loves. So when I went to the recovery groups and heard about having a incurable disease (compulsive overeating) and that it would only worsen if I didn't recover (I pictured myself again lying in bed at several hundred pounds and being bed-bound) and that I needed to make my recovery more important than anything in my life or I'd fail, I think this fed my fear. I couldn't give up TWL because it made too much sense, but I felt like I needed to do a recovery group to be able to...well...ever recover.

I had reservations about certain things. Like saying "Hi, my name is Olivia and I'm a compulsive overeater." Again and again and again. Before I speak in the group while the meeting is going on, before I read...again and again and again. I must say that 5-10 times at each meeting. In addition, I am cautioned to constantly remind myself that I AM a compulsive overeater and that if I forget this ever, ever, ever, even after years of not compulsively overeating, it will be to my detriment and I will fall, my pride and lack of vigilance leading to a terrible episode of binge eating that I might abandon myself to altogether, forever. I don't like this practice, as I believe that it suggests things to my subconscious mind that are very destructive. I know how destructive it is to eat to medicate my feelings, that's for sure, and I know I need to stop, and I know I need help to stop, but I believe that there are more empowering ways for me to do it and to get that help. I'm not sure what they are, but I'm thinking that this way is going to end up with me paying a toll that I don't want to pay.

It really doesn't fit with any part of the Law of Attraction, either.

On the positive side, the recovery program reminds me that I need to rely on my spiritual source more, and this is quite helpful. It also reminds me that I need other people and don't want to do this alone. It is sort of like a church in many ways, but friendly and accepting.

Again, these are just my initial impressions of this recovery program and I know that they do so much good for so many. I am glad to have a chance to reflect on this and to have your input as well. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, but I do know that I want an O System, and I want it to be healthy and spiritual and transformative and positive...so we'll see.

~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark

To My People

This video is 4:27. "To My People" refers to those of you who are like-minded, who are of my tribe...

Transformational Weight Loss Update #6

I've been having an interesting thing happening with this process. The foundation of Transformational Weight Loss (TWL) for me is trusting my body. This is important to me in far more than just weight loss. I'm learning to listen to my body when it tells me it's tired, when it needs a break, when I'm having an emotional reaction of some type, and much, much more. For most people, this type of experience is pretty basic and obvious, but not for me. Until very recently I ran my life via my mind and my will, and so missed out on much of life. So there is so very much to learn.

I'd been having a problem with TWL and food, though. Unfailingly, I'd see what my body wanted to eat. It would be clear and certain. I really loved having this clarity. For example, tonight I knew I wanted a piece of pizza. Of course, me being me, it was a healthy whole wheat pizza with organic ingredients :) The pieces were small, so I thought two pieces would be perfect. And then I wanted some fiber "filler" (since I was really, really hungry, having exercised...walking very slowly with two knee braces on a level path and my Nordic Ski Walking poles to buffer the impact...but still, it was exercise!) so I had a large salad of lettuce, sprouts and tuna salad. Perfect! I saw it in my mind's eye. Then I prepared it. Then I ate it. For me, this was a resounding success.

In the past month or so, I would have done the exact same thing, up until after I saw it in my mind's eye. Instead of having the food my body wanted, I would choose something else and eat that and feel how it felt to overeat. Again and again and again. Like a broken record. I finally realized that I couldn't make the connection between what my body wanted and what I actually did to make it happen. I felt the lack of empowerment of my behavior and my choices. I just couldn't make it happen. This was a really good thing. It made me realize how I needed the big life changes that I made this past week. I'm going to write about those in an upcoming post, as soon as they've gelled enough for me to do so. But suffice it to say that I've been able to make the connection and I'm connecting with my body.

Later I'll write about the missing piece that enabled me to make the connection.

~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark

Creating a Life

Today my video is in two parts. Part one is 2:51 and part two is 31 seconds. Enjoy!

Winter Squash, Phat Girlz, The Now Habit & More

I've found myself still recovering from the holiday malaise. Today is the first day I've really felt like myself---with ideas, feelings of creativity, inspiration, etc.---waking up at 4am this morning ready to begin the day. I've sort of felt like a winter squash before this. I don't know how else to explain it. Here in the Pacific Northwest it's been raining every day for countless days on end. And it's been cold, too. This all contributed to my holiday malaise and lethargy, lingering and melding with feelings of depression and SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

I felt a little better on Saturday, perky enough to shop for food all over the South Sound, from Costco to Trader Joe's to our local supermarket. When you can eat anything you want (with TWL) it really helps to have a selection of good things to eat! Then yesterday, I vlogged at last (and although my vlog seemed tired and strained to me---at least I did it). I missed communicating with all of you. Also yesterday, LoveHubbie returned from a trip with Lovely Stepdaughter. I find myself coming out of my reading and arting shell of hibernation and retreat, to my delight.

I've been loving TWL (Transformational Weight Loss)...however, it is quite a challenge to learn self-acceptance at a much higher weight than I'm used to. It's good for me, though, and all a part of this process. Last night I watched the movie Phat Girlz, which is a manifesto for plus-sized women and ambitiously portrays the struggle we larger women go through for self-acceptance in our American culture that tolerates and even encourages prejudice based on size. I wish I could convey in words the usefulness and the beneficial difficulty of this TWL journey. I keep trying to remember to breathe...just breathe...just breathe.... For some reason, lately I keep forgetting, and get spun up into the drama and form of the day's events...I hope to be more grounded. I'm blaming it on my hormones for now...because it's a convenient way of avoiding responsibility, I suppose...the mature woman's PMS.

This weekend I read a book recommended by someone here (I can't remember who) called "The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play" by Neil Fiore, which I SO needed. I haven't been a procrastinator in the past, but since NaNoWriMo's success, I've been procrastinating with my novel...all December long, which didn't help the holiday malaise much. This book gave me a useful strategy for beginning to write again and for overcoming my fears. It is useful for dealing with resistance and for bringing joy back into tasks that have become onerous. I'm most excited about this for the new year!

This week I expect to be filled with pattern-breaking fun of spending time with Lovely Stepdaughter and with LoveHubbie coming home from work early---a great combination.



Today I'm grateful for the ordinariness of my life. I so much prefer this to the chaos and drama that I seemed to attract so much in the past. Today I am wishing those of you dealing with difficult and turbulent challenges peace and the hope of an ordinary and mundane and peaceful and happy extraordinary life---soon. Blessings to each one of you today, and ordinary miracles!

Transformational Weight Loss Update #5

This journey is awesome! I have been appreciating the learning and personal growth opportunities of TWL as much as the potential weight loss that I know will occur as I learn many new skills. In addition, TWL is helping me on my spiritual path by teaching me in a practical way how to trust myself, my body, and the Universe as a safe and good place.

TWL is not as scary now as it was in the beginning. My weight has leveled off, after a startling ten pound weight gain over a couple of weeks after I went off Atkins induction (20g carbs per day) and began eating normally. I don't know what I weight but I can still fit into my "fat clothes", thank goodness. And I don't care, which is completely amazing. I am learning the skills (that people without weight issues or eating disorders already have) that will enable me to lose weight in the future. Each time I overeat (which is often because I'm used to eating so much more) I realize that it is way too much, and see how I could scale down in future meals.

For example, last night I ate a regular meal with a beer at a local pub. My "normal" meal would be to eat everything plus two beers. The last time I did that I felt way overstuffed---it was a first for me to really experience that. So last night it seemed like one beer and all of the food was good, and it felt fine. However, maybe a half hour later I started feeling overstuffed and bloated, and I realized that even my smaller choice was too much. Next time I'll have either the beer or the meal...or maybe the beer and half the meal, depending. It consistently surprises me how little food it takes to satisfy me. I realize that the reason I ate so much in the past (and didn't feel stuffed) is that (1) I wasn't letting myself feel at all, and (2) I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get more, or that it would be too hard to get more...basically that scarcity was involved. Presence and awareness.

So it truly feels freeing that I can have WHATEVER I want when my body is ready for it. And that I can even overeat if I want to---stuff myself---if I want to feel that way, as well. This freedom allows me to willingly choose NOT to overeat instead of forcing myself to stay in control all the time because of fear of gaining weight.

I also have learned a lot about body acceptance because of TWL. I have read some other books too on this subject, helping me to accept myself exactly as I am right now. I can look at my body and see that it's rather large but try to love it as I look upon it instead of criticize it. My body is remarkably healthy for all I've put it through, and has adapted the best way it's known how. It's a wonderful and miraculous body, and I'm working on appreciating it, which is also very freeing.

I think that the state I hope to arrive at someday fairly soon is the feeling I've dreamed about---being able to eat whatever I want as much as I want and not gaining a bit of weight---because "whatever I want" and "as much as I want" has changed so much.



~Pictures by LoveHubbie Mark

Happy New Year 2008

Transformational Weight Loss Update #4 First Mindful Meal

This video is just under 4 minutes:

Transformational Weight Loss Update #3

Transformational Weight Loss Update #2

Patti from Welcome to My Universe wrote a comment on my last TWL vlog that made me want to write about one aspect of TWL here.

One of the most interesting aspects of TWL is portion size. With TWL, you stop controlling portion size all together. For most of us who have struggled with our weight in various ways, including in my case with eating disorders, we've tightly controlled portion size, always keeping it to some external standard, such as:

• "as small as possible"
• less than x calories
• not more than y carbohydrates
• x ounces
• "a portion as big as your fist"

---something! TWL is about letting go totally, and eating what your body wants no matter no much or how little it is. This is terrifying for most of us. You are sure that disaster will ensue. You have been conditioned to believe that the body cannot be trusted, that it has to be controlled. And if you're fat, then it really, really has to be controlled. Your mind (conditioned by years of exposure to the diet industry) has a field day, saying:

• "What if I go crazy and eat a whole box of cookies? Or seven boxes of cookies?"
• " What if I end up being 300 pounds?"
• "My body has no idea how much to eat! I have to rely on someone to tell me!"

What you discover though, and fairly quickly, is that the body knows. Even the fat body knows. If you listen, if you trust it, your body will balance out and end up wanting a "good" portion size that is right for you. A healthy body doesn't end up wanting to overeat, because overeating doesn't feel good or pleasant. But it takes a bit of learning. It also takes totally giving up control, something that you've only done in a negative way on a binge. It takes surrendering to the wisdom of your body. You may overeat a few times as you learn to trust your body, but you get to find out how overeating really truly feels, and once you do, as Kelly has described perfectly here, it is hard but it is good, because this is an experience you've missed out on despite overeating and numbing out gazillions of times.

Your body will learn. Pretty quickly. And yes, even your body can be trusted. (Cause for celebration for those of us who feel like our bodies are defective and unattractive and irreparably damaged from years of distorted eating from strict dieting, wild binging, or other eating disorders!) Your fat body is a good body and has just been adapting and trying as hard as it could to adjust to what you've been putting it through. And your body responds with answers---sometimes pain and discomfort from overeating---but also joy that you are finally listening to it. It is a profound relief.

Annie has described an initial experience with TWL so beautifully here. She has put into words so well what I wish I could describe.

This is radical, unconventional, counter cultural, gentle, kind, and only possible for people who are interested in and willing to learn to be present. I don't know if I could have done this before...well...now, as opposed to last month or even a few weeks ago. It's a stumbling, uncertain, and joyous path, too, one in which I'm thrilled to have Kelly and Annie walking along with me.

Transformational Weight Loss Update #1

This is my first update about my Transformational Weight Loss Adventure. It is a vlog of 2:52.



UPDATE: I realized I didn't really share why the chicken soup and chocolate bar are such milestones for me. The chicken soup is a milestone because I'm making exactly what I want, filling the house all day with the glorious and comforting smell of food. I'm allowing myself to have extreme pleasure with food without guilt or food obsession. It's actually possible for me!

The chocolate bar is a milestone because it survived the night in my house. Sugar hasn't done that before, if I'd even have it in my house for fear of eating it all right then, and more besides, because of the guilt. I previously defined myself as a chocolate addict. And LoveHubbie bought me that bar...it was EXPENSIVE...and hardly sweet at all, which is what I like...deep dark chocolate that I will enjoy without guilt when my body is ready (I'm putting it in the refrigerator to keep it fresh...it expires in 02/09). Before TWL, I considered myself too fat to indulge myself with chocolate!


TWL (Transformational Weight Loss) Resources:
TWL is described on my blog here and here.
The book by Charles Eisenstein is available online for a donation here and for hardcopy purchase from Amazon here.
For even more information about TWL from my blog, click on "Transformational Weight Loss" under my "Categories" header on the right sidebar, about midway down.

Letter to Charles Eisenstein

Dear Charles,

Thank you for the comment on my blog. I'm very excited about your work with respect to the body and intuitive eating. I ordered all of your CD's plus the extra one you send me also. I'm happy to report that they were all in good working order (you'd said that some of them might be defective). They were fantastic.

I used to be a life coach, helping others to "release weight" but unable to lose weight myself, unless I went to the Optimum Health Institute (I expect you've heard of it) and ate raw foods for an extended time. I have been to OHI for as long as six weeks. I used to weight 250+. My lowest weight was 151.

I am now 190. This terrifies me on one level. But I don't want to get a short term fix. I want to heal my problem for good. OHI was wonderful for a cleanse, but I am wanting to heal the underlying roots of my problem with food; I'm not looking for a quick fix. I finally feel strong enough to take on whatever my issues are.

Since reading your books (TWL and "The Yoga of Eating") I feel like I've found the answer. At the same time, I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", which complements your work well, and is a spiritual foundation for my life. I have been eating this way for about a week or so...I feel free of food compulsions and cravings and obsessions. That in itself is a miracle!

I am feeling my feelings---all of them---which is also truly miraculous...and terrifying. I am 50 years old, and this is the first time I have allowed myself to do this.

In the last week I have gained some weight. Ten pounds, all of a sudden. I let go of the extreme control, obsession, and focus and my body responded in this way. I am persisting on, despite the fear and abject terror that invokes because I believe that above all, I want to be healthy. That entails recovery from years of dieting. This will be a process. maybe even a long process. There is so much I need to learn.

I am learning to feel my feelings, to breathe, to trust my body. My distant but enduring background is that of a fundamentalist Christian, taught to deny everything real and to focus on an external authority---the Bible, as interpreted by the male authority (pastor, husband, etc. ) in my life.

I have recently developed my "courage muscle" and am willing to take this on, and to trust in my body. Even with the weight gain. I want healing above all. I have faith in my body that it will normalize its weight over time as I heal.

It is terrifying to me. However, I believe so strongly in the wisdom of my body. And I do not...I absolutely do not...want fear to stop me from anything in my life.

I have as my support team my medical doctor, my therapist, and many amazing friends via the blogosphere. And my husband, who doesn't always understand what I'm doing (I'm a little avant garde for him), but who always tries to support me, and who always has been there for me.

Thank you for your body of work, for what you have shared via CDs and books. I hope to not only help myself, but others too. That is what I'd wanted to do as a life coach. I hope that I can do this via my blog and my personal example.

Sincerely,

Olivia Brown

TWL (Transformational Weight Loss) Resources:
TWL is described on my blog here and here.
The book by Charles Eisenstein is available online for a donation here and for hardcopy purchase from Amazon here.
For even more information about TWL from my blog, click on "Transformational Weight Loss" under my "Categories" header on the right sidebar, about midway down.