Wellness Wednesday: New Practices

I am preparing for vacation, not yet packing, but arranging for our house-sitters, the garden, the chickens, and most importantly, picking my books and audio for that time, which is what I mostly do on vacation: read, walk, write, listen to my iPod.

This time it will be different though because it will be a time of listening, and inward time. My intention is to develop a regular meditation practice--something I've "tried" before and never continued--and to develop a light yoga practice--twenty minutes a day of mostly relaxing poses--something I used to do but not in the last the few years.

Being in Hawaii is the perfect time to learn yet again to be present.

I am someone who has lived in her head her whole life and likes it there. It is comfortable, and it is busy. Noisy.

Recently I discovered that it is also kind of mean in there. My self-talk is not compassionate...it's very critical...I have begun changing this and the meditation and yoga will help tremendously in this, as will the being present. Breathing. Slowing down.

One of my best visits to Hawaii was one in which we went to a conference for LoveHubbie's work. I sat on the balcony of the Sheraton in Waikiki looking out at Diamond Head and read Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness". I checked the book's Amazon page and noticed that this was six--SIX--whole years ago. To my chagrin, I am still as anxious and as unmindful as ever. Thus, I'm grateful for some extra time to focus on the opportunity to apply this important teaching and to do it in Hawaii. Of course, this can be done anytime at all, but when you're breaking lifetime habits, it's helpful to have some intensive time to immerse yourself.

In the spirit of this, I'm going to unplug totally, like I did when I went to Brazil. No email, no Facebook, no Twitter, just my cell phone for emergencies. Instead, I'm taking a large blank Moleskine and planning on writing...I wrote pages and pages in Brazil...for me this was better than any entertainment I could ever imagine.

I am starting to turn away from daily tasks, letting go of things here, and preparing for the change...

~Photo is actual picture taken with my phone from the balcony.

Life is Short, Let Go of Striving

I wanted to share with my happyluau readers something from my private homeopathic hcg diet blog, edited and enhanced here, because it relates to life in general, and some of you may find something to encourage or inspire you in it.

I mean this in a good way, that I'm not going to be trying to figure out what my body is doing with respect to weight loss, but just doing the very best I can, letting my body do its thing and not worrying.

I wrote about something in a comment about self-beatings. I grew up being beaten up physically (and verbally) almost daily by my mother. I got used to this. As part of my personal growth journey, I've tied the way I've used food to these beatings. I would overeat and feel badly and then punish myself with my thoughts. This deeply held pattern was carrying on my mother's horrible legacy in a particularly mean way. I don't want to do this to myself! So my goal now is to either: Choose to eat, to enjoy it, and not beat myself up about it; or choose to tap*, or not eat, and not feel deprived either. Just choose. And be gentle. And enjoy.

Overeating, though, is not really enjoying. Eating what my body wants is.

At 53, I probably will only live (at most) 17-40 more years. That's not many to me! And that's if I don't get hit by a bus or have an aneurysm or something like that. I continually remember what happened to Chani--my very intimate friend who died unexpectedly at 58. I don't want to carry on my mother's legacy or do anything more to myself or to anyone else that isn't kind, gentle, and loving. I don't want to abuse myself anymore by overeating, but instead use food for what it was intended--health, delight, celebration, joy, fuel--in quantities easily handled by my body. Sometimes I won't get it right, but that's okay. I want to be a good healthy weight. So that I can move around and not hurt so much in my remaining years. 

No one will be looking at me in my coffin knowing or caring if I was 176 or 183 or 192.8 pounds. (Actually I'm going to be cremated so no one will be looking at me period.) And no one will care what I did on the hcg diet--if it was 24 pounds I lost or 28 or 34 or 40. I don't even care too much now, although I do want the hard work and missed good meals to pay off. 

I just want to be GOOD to myself. As good as I am to everyone else, better even. Gentle, kind, sweet. That's all, now.

PS. I am tapping a lot lately. Really getting into it as an almost meditation practice.

PPS. I was highly, highly inspired by Patti Digh's post yesterday on "Letting Go of Striving". What wisdom! I think/hope I am doing this with respect to my weight. Years ago...I was 24 years old...a prophet "had a word for me" (this was someone who didn't know me at all, and the only time this ever happened), and it was "Stop striving!" So it has taken me almost thirty years, but I think I am finally learning how to do this.

*"tapping" refers to "fasterEFT" the protocol and philosophy of EFT (a type of energy work combining a sort of acupressure with neurolinguistic programming and hypnosis)  I am now learning.

This "letting go of striving" that Patti writes about is probably the biggest lesson I wish I'd learned when I was younger. Knowing what really matters.

Today, let go of striving. Be gentle with yourself and with others. Accept yourself and enjoy your days. Remember Chani, who thought she had forever--she didn't and neither do you. You have today, so celebrate and be good to yourself, my dear sweet friends. Enjoy this day, which is filled with blessings.

~Photo is old photo of Chani of when she was much younger, one that she especially liked, edited by me.

Diving Off the High Dive

I'm getting ready for our trip to Brazil. I will not be taking anything technological nor anything personal of value, because of the risk of theft in the area where we are traveling. So this will mean:
no iPhone or other phone to maintain connections,
no computer,
no iPod,
no Kindle,
no camera,
no wedding ring,
and no other jewelry.
Instead, a fake purse and wallet to offer up to street thieves.

To give you an idea of the kind of person I am, I usually travel with my distance/driving glasses (the ones I wear to watch television and movies in theaters too), reading glasses, and a spare pair of regular glasses in case mine break. Then there are the "pool glasses", which are a very old pair of plastic glasses that I wear when I'm in the ocean or the pool. On this trip it will be just the one pair on my face, which I will hopefully be able to hold on to.

Only one book. I haven't figured out which one yet, as this is such a big decision.

Just one carry-on bag and a Scottevest.
And a Moleskine journal with #2 pencils to write in.

Instead of bringing my chi blow dryer, special shampoo and conditioner, hair spray for color-treated hair, texturizer, hair-repair leave-in conditioner, round brush, and clips for sectional drying, I'll be toting just a small brush and shampoo.

We will be somewhere where we don't speak the language nor understand or appreciate the culture.
Obtaining clean water and healthy food are mysteries that we will figure out once we get there.

I will be washing out my few articles of plus-size clothing in a sink.

We're going for the wedding of our nephew and his fiance, and are delighted to be able to do so.
It will be a very short trip with no sightseeing for me or side trips--just the wedding.

It will take us a day to get to Florida and then another day to get to Brazil. Ditto the return.

An exercise in being present and letting go and embracing uncertainty.

I am completely terrified.

Oddly, this is fine and feels appropriate to me. 

It has been 30 years since I've left this country and a decade since I've lived a luxurious American lifestyle, traveling in comfort and style, and living the same way. 

I feel like I'm diving off the high dive. 

Wellness Wednesday: Being With Each Flower, What is More Important?

Today I read something beautiful on Kelly's blog that caused me to think, to really reevaluate and reframe something in my life. Kelly wrote that she was grateful for:

“Being wrapped all day in the kind of energy that made people open to me like flowers in the rain.” 

What a lovely thing to be, what a lovely gift to give people--this kind of energy that makes people feel comfortable enough to share themselves with you.

All of my life, I have struggled with this gift. It is a gift from God, nothing that I've cultivated or would even know how to develop. On the one hand I have enjoyed this closeness with others, delighted in it, reveled in it, when it has been with someone with whom I've wanted to be intimate. On the other hand, sometimes it is time-consuming or awkward or (to my embarrassment) even irritating when I am in a hurry and someone I barely know opens up to me and share deeply personal "stories of their lives", their deep feelings.

This gift is what led me to go to graduate school to become a counselor. I never finished, though, instead leaving school without doing a practicum and finishing my masters in another field, because I found it too draining to relate to people on that level all day long. I am very introverted, and although I care deeply for others, I need a great deal of time alone to process and recharge in order to be able to interact at that level. I also am not a particularly patient person, not a good thing for a counselor.

Lately over the last several years as I've experienced time as being scarce much of the time, it has been harder and harder to be welcoming when some people open up. People I meet casually, chance encounters that won't be repeated, people that I'd not choose to be intimate with. I usually still do listen and witness their story (trying to be "nice"), but find myself thinking thoughts like, "I can't believe this is happening to me again..." and "They're going to share their whole life story with me now right when I'm on my way to..." Complaining thoughts, I've realized. From the resentment I feel. This is not who I want to be.

In pondering Kelly's post, I've realized that deep down inside, I believe--I know--that every single person is indeed a flower, and that one of the most important things I can do each and every day is to witness their opening. To be present with everyone I meet. If they feel safe with me (and they are safe), then this is a bold, brave gift that I'm being given, and I want to recognize it as such. I need to slow down and stay in touch with what I truly value rather than be distracted by the urgency of comparatively petty tasks.

I always learn so much from Kelly, and this was a special lesson, one I really needed today.


~Photograph by LoveHubbie Mark

Word for the New Year: Presence

I'm a little late posting this year and I've missed Sacred Sundays and Wellness Wednesdays for a while, but I hope to get back on track. I've been working on finishing my book before my jury duty obligation starts next week. I'm not going to finish in time after all, but I've made so much progress. It feels good. My first deadline was the end of 2009, but I'm satisfied that I'm nearing the finish line.

Well, my word for 2010 is Presence. For me this means being present and mindful and experiencing things with my whole self. It means having a year of sobriety from alcohol and really feeling through things. I've experienced a lot of shifting even just in this short time. One is that I enjoy two things much more, poetry and music. I've been drawn to them. Usually it's way too hard for me to slow down enough to read poetry. And music competes with all the noise in my head. So this year I've been reading poetry of all types and listening to instrumental music, especially tango.

Another shift is that I've dropped a bad habit--that of staying in touch with people who have expressed a desire NOT to be in touch with me. As in, following them over the Internet because I "care about them". This rationale works well for people I'm related to or have been close to. Or following their activities and endeavors because I "need to know what they're up to so that I can be informed and prepare myself"--this rationale is good with past so-called enemies. This is a really useless pursuit that keeps these people present in my consciousness. There is no space to move on and introduce healthier relationships. I have let this go. It allows me to be Present in my life.

I've also started meditating via the 28 Day Meditation Challenge, which I found out about from Linnea via Twitter (she is @cafemercury). Several of you have joined me in this. I started out strong, but forgot the last two days. So today I had a long meditation time for me, twenty minutes. Loved it. I was following Kelly's suggestion to take today off after I tweeted about it being Elvis' birthday today. I always remember. I don't know why. I'm not an Elvis fan. It's just one of those things that sticks with me, like Pearl Harbor Day and birthdays of everyone I've ever loved.



So I just decided to go with it. I have been pushing pretty hard and can use a day off.

One thing I should mention about my word. It hasn't been just hunky-dory with me being Present as I go about my life. So. Far. From it. I just get little glimpses from time to time. It's a place to start. And other things.

For example, in letting go of people---both loved and toxic folk--I have a huge amount of anxiety. Huge. An open space. The space in my heart is cracked wide open to receive more as I let go of these people. It does result in anxiety but I expect this to get less and less.

Also, I have times of alternating Presence with Suzie's word: Escape. Suzie has such hutzpah in choosing a non-shiny word, I think. Right now I still need some Escape as I am transitioning (and maybe I always will). For me this means reading fiction, watching television while I eat, playing Sudoku, getting lost following links in Twitter, dreaming about where we'll retire, and generally healthy things like this. But I do use them--use them--to Escape from being present and to cope with difficult emotions when they become too much to bear. Instead of forcing myself to always be Present (too overwhelming right off), I am taking baby steps. Escape is very, very helpful.

If I haven't wished you a happy new year yet, I'm wishing you one now. I love your comments. Each one is encouraging to me and helps me to continue on this journey we're on together. xo.

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, all taken in Maui this past fall 2009

Sacred Life Sunday: Winter Storms

Leah painted "The Key to Winter" and featured it on her blog today. It's the type of artwork that I could stare at and contemplate and see new things in at different points in my life, I'm sure. I don't know much about art, but I would describe this painting as "rich" and "full" and even, "stunning".

Saturday night as I write this we are getting ready for a winter storm. Power outages are anticipated. For us this means not just no power, but no heat, water, or bathroom facilities. Most people who live here just take all this in stride, but it bothers me. Everything from feeling the chilly wind, to the dark gloomy days, to the snow that clings, to not being able to walk my driveway because of the snow and ice, to....worst of all...having no control. Being ripped away from the things I care about and use to connect to the rest of the world, like my computer. From my books. From warmth. Water. Light.

My thoughts have been going down this dark path today.

I would like to be in the flow as I was when I went to Texas. For some reason, the fear of snowy storms makes it much harder. Even so I've decided to do the same thing that I did in Texas, just with much greater challenge. Be present, feel what there is to be felt, and go through the whole process, however it ends up.



Of course, I also bought (ordered) a book to support me. This one is called "Winter: A Spiritual Biography of the Season"---a book of short essays on winter---and has sections like "Winter As a Time of Sorrow and Barrenness", Winter As a Time to Be Scoured and a Time to Succor the Scoured", "Winter As a Time of Shoring Ourselves Up", "Winter As a Time of Delight and Play", etc. Each section is filled with stories by fine writers like Annie Dillard, Rachel Carson, E. B. White, and Kathleen Norris. Hurry, Amazon, hurry...I so need this...today!

I don't feel jolly; I don't feel moved by the obvious beauty of the snow; I just feel cold and barren (but not depressed) and empty and dark. But now I realize that Sunday is Winter Solstice, and for some reason this gives me some peace. And I look at Leah's painting and feel like everything will be okay.

The Work by Byron Katie has helped me to accept reality, to challenge my thoughts---the ones that cause me to feel any type of stress. It provides an emotional and intellectual challenge that keeps me on my toes with the entire rest of my life. I think I will go and do some work on some of my thoughts about this. Or...even better...I think I'll go to bed. I'm coming down with a cold and maybe the sleep will give me the energy for a whole new perspective tomorrow, on Sacred Sunday, Winter Solstice.


~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

So Much to Write

Well now, there is so much to write about my trip to Texas.

There were innumerable inconveniences. My plane out was delayed for 3 hours. Every 10 minutes we were told by Continental that it would be 10 more minutes so we really didn't have a good chance to plan. They said it was a baggage handler cart that ran into the plane, leaving a dent, and they kept trying to fix it. Many other people were inconvenienced tremendously because they had connecting flights. I walked around the area in circles, met many nice people, and got almost all of my 10,000 steps in; I keep a pedometer and walk daily.

We got a dirty smoky rental car, then (were upgraded for free) to a rental car with an empty gas tank (we'd paid for gas). We at last got a good rental car. It was way nicer than the one we paid for and was safer on the fast highways---a Mercury Mountaineer. Leather seats and with gas at $1.35/gallon we didn't mind the lower fuel efficiency in exchange for safety.

I saw the Cotton Patch, Rick, in Lufkin, but didn't get a chance to stop...we were racing to get to my stepdaughter's who had dinner waiting. We left Olympia, WA at 5:20 am and got to Nacodoches, TX at 10 pm at night.

As for the food we ate, they had tea (Lipton only), coffee (JUST coffee, not lattes, or different types), white bread, iceberg lettuce, and was absent any taste not provided by MSG. So I had migraines both nights. I ate as little of it as possible, having brought raw protein bars and other yummy foods. The times I did eat, I did it consciously out of hospitality---my stepdaughter cooked for us for the first time!

Now, here's the exciting part. LoveHubbie's ex-wife has had an adversarial relationship with us for over a decade. It has caused many problems for LoveHubbie's children and of course, for us. Let's call her KFC. Two years ago KFC married a guy who we'll call Ron. We'd never met Ron. The last time we saw KFC was at the kids' high school graduation four years ago when she pretended that LoveHubbie was deceased and didn't announce him as a parent during the small graduation program we were invited to. So we didn't know what to expect at this graduation.

Well, we met KFC & Ron, and they were kind, loving, and gracious. Ron stepped up and broke the ice, introducing himself and setting the tone of the party we'd all attended, and KFC followed. We spent most of the time talking to Ron & KFC and KFC's parents (LoveHubbie's ex in-laws). They too were delightful. It was a 180 degree turn around. They could have been just polite. But they extended themselves beyond that to warmth and welcoming. I don't think that the kids (all adults now) expected it or knew what to do or say. We yakked it up for about an hour and a half. As though nothing had ever happened.

Best of all, KFC & Ron are very, very happy. He obviously loves her, treats her like a queen, loves her kids, and is someone with fine character. He is attentive and kind. She seemed incredibly happy. She has the life she always wanted. I felt so much joy for her. I've always thought---knew---I'd be jealous if I saw her happy because I didn't feel she deserved it after causing us and her children so much pain, but I didn't. I just felt profound relief and healing. I couldn't stop crying, but because I was so happy. I felt overjoyed for the kids. I was thrilled for LoveHubbie as well because much of the time these last ten years I have tried to protect him from things she would do. I could tell that this was finally over, that she had moved on. Way on.

I acknowledged her for what she had done. I told her that our religion (hers and mine) was about love and forgiveness and that I appreciated her being so gracious because the kids would be the beneficiaries. I told her how much I appreciated it personally as well. I also told each of the kids that I appreciated their mother for her kindness and courage and grace. Still couldn't stop bawling.

Before this (as in any time before Saturday) I would have told you I almost hated KFC. I wouldn't have been upset if I'd heard she died in an accident. All of that changed, and I'm not sure how. I just know it did and I am so very happy. For her, for us, for the kids. I feel like now I can look forward to the future of weddings, funerals, and grandchildren without dread.

We didn't just chat a bit or make nice. We all talked and talked as though we were close friends. As though we were family.

There were stressors throughout the trip, including other family members who were negative. I continued to encourage people with my mantra about going with the flow, doing what we could, seeing the positive in what was happening, being grateful, being present. This was good for me because it allowed me to not forget what I was there to do.

In particular I also felt very close to my youngest stepson who has always clashed with me in personality and values. After sharing with him my gratitude towards his mother (all while continuing to bawl), I felt a definite shift in our relationship. I feel like things are fine between us and also that he feels more positively about his father.

This trip was good for all of us.

As if that were not miracle enough, Saturday night I fell with my entire 207.5 pounds landing smack on my left knee on the flagstone tile bathroom floor. LoveHubbie heard the sound from the room and was sure it was broken. It hurt and swelled and bruised, but it was not broken! And I could still walk, although with pain.

Then coming home I had someone, a gate agent at Continental make fun of me. I was having a good deal of trouble walking by then (should have gotten a wheelchair) and I needed an aisle seat. The gate agent was brusque to me, which was understandable since we were very busy, the plane was full, and it is the holiday season. But then he wouldn't give me my boarding pass back during the boarding for "people needing assistance". I just waited and hoped something would work out. About halfway through the boarding process (when it would be really hard for me to get on and not slow people down) he looked right at me, then walked in the opposite direction, found LoveHubbie way off to the side and in the back of the crowd and handed the boarding passes to him. Then he came back to the gate ticket counter and made a face and rolled his eyes at me.

Of course there were a million ways to take this. Instead of taking it in any normal, healthy way, I just burst into tears. I shuffled onto the plane crying. I was in a lot of pain, moving slowly down the aisle, moving my heavy bag from seat to seat, holding everyone behind me up. I had been dealing with some stressors just before we got to the gate and was tired too, and I kind of fell apart. I just couldn't stop the tears. Well, it ended up that the lady seated in front of me in the plane turned around and asked, "Can I help you? I'm a therapist." We talked for about ten minutes and I felt A.O.K. I had just gotten off course. I thanked her profusely. The whole trip was like that---one miracle after another.

So the travel inconveniences---they were fine because I had zero responsibilities but to do what I could and then wait and let life happen around me. The Texas food---thank goodness for migraine medicine and packed tasty morsels! KFC & Ron are family now, as are KFC's parents. And I feel very loving towards my youngest stepson, who I am convinced also changed his attitude towards me and LoveHubbie as well. Instead of being a family at war, for the first time the kids have all four of their parents and their grandparents able to interact, socialize, and plan things together---even to share time with them!

I am glad I took the risk to go. I felt like I was in Life School 400 (graduate school) and I learned so much.

I will tell you more about my homecoming as well as post pictures in later posts.

Peace and thank you for the welcome and kind words in your comments on my last post,

Olivia

~Photo from Vanessa F. via CuteOverload

Sacred Life Sunday: Balance

Today as I read Rick's post on balance, it really made me think about this topic. So I'm going to blog about the same topic for this (past) Sacred Sunday. I really like Rick's comparing finding our balance with aspects of riding a unicycle. It also made me think about the Libby Sauter video I posted on Friday. Balance. Making small and large adjustments as we go, always trying to "stay up" and "not fall". And then, when we do fall, getting up and starting all over again.

I have been trying to find my balance lately, and recently had a great fall this past Thursday, kind of like Libby (and of course, Humpty Dumpty). I'd thought I was doing all right, because I was moving forward, but in reality, I was wobbling a lot and didn't realize it until I fell. I always try to be positive and keep moving ahead, but in the end, I think this fall was good for me.

Nothing too awfully terrible happened, as it did to Humpty Dumpty. I put myself back together again pretty well. But I'd ended up having what was diagnosed as an episode of "intense depression and anxiety". Kind of like a ginormous panic attack coupled with a strong physiological depression---the kind where you can't stop crying or get out of bed. The person who did my assessment at the hospital said that I was only about ten weeks out from anti-depressant withdrawal and that my brain has still not yet recovered. So that when I do experience severe stress, my brain is not capable of responding normally...yet.

So she wanted me to return to the antidepressants. The ones that gave me my "40 pound in only 4 months" weight gain this past winter. The ones that took me through several clothing wardrobes from size 12 all the way up to 20W. The ones that changed my life marginally for the better, but ended up taking from me far more than they gave, apparently.

I never had anything like this happen before the antidepressants, not even close. And I never had a true depressive episode back then.

I spent most of Thursday in the local hospital's "elopement risk" ward, the first time I've ever gone through anything even remotely like this. I guess they thought I might run away or try to "escape". I had no idea what was happening to me and was eager for the help, so I wasn't interested in "eloping". I spent eight hours in a room with no door handles, no light switches, no furniture except a bed and a chair and very smooth (but not padded) walls---just being present, breathing, and being with what I was feeling. This was an excellent opportunity for this exercise. It was something that I could do. Patients came and went, most in restraints, caterwauling, cursing, singing, grunting, etc. I was pretty calm (all cried out) after the first four or five hours or so so I guess I was last priority. Which was fine.

I left without any medications or instructions except to take those damn antidepressants. So I did. I have. Until I see a psychiatrist this week and he can prescribe me one that doesn't cause weight gain. I hate taking them, and feel in some ways like I've failed. But in other ways I feel so blessed, because of all of the patients who passed by me in the psych ward. "There but for the grace of God go I. "---this was what I realized.

I am hoping this psychiatrist will be open to working with me with my alternative methods of mood elevation/stabilization/balance. I know that I will find a way through this.

This past weekend LoveHubbie and I blew everything off (the best thing we could have done) and just hung out in Seattle. Saturday we went shopping at Uwajimaya and bought lots of seaweed salad (reminding us of Hawaii) and kimchee and exotic mushrooms and broccolini. We walked around in the rain. Sunday we drove up again and went to the Washington Park Arboretum . We walked around in the sun. I think that this park is one of the most peaceful I've ever been in on the mainland. Last night we ate a calamari salad at Piatti near the University of Washington. We just had fun and forgot about everything for a while, which was really good for both of us.

I am truly grateful for my energy every day, and for my blessings.

So...I could have gotten by without telling you...and I considered not mentioning this because not everyone who reads this blog is someone I'm close to...but I wanted to tell you just the same. I admire each of you who have shown me your soul and your courage, and as a writer, I want to learn to be as authentic and transparent as you are.

I am learning to find my balance.

Sacred Life Sunday: Pain

"There is a great deal of pain in life, and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain of trying to avoid pain."---R. D. Laing

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

"A New Earth" Online Group

If you're interested in participating in an online group for Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth", contact Kate at Meanderings at katespin at yahoo.com. She calls the blog for our discussion "The New Earth Dialogues". Welcome to all!

Flickers

I love this quote about pain from Jon Kabat-Zinn from his book "Coming to Your Senses". The parts that encourage me are "even for the tiniest moment" and "even if sustained for only a second or two" and "even if you don't know what to do". I like phrases like that. Groping in the dark, it lends some validity to my flickers of peace and enlightenment.

"If you move into pure awareness in the midst of pain, even for the tiniest moment, your relationship with your pain is going to shift right in that very moment. It is impossible for it not to change because the gesture of holding it in awareness, even if sustained for only a second or two, already reveals its larger dimensionality. And that shift in your relationship with the experience gives you more degrees of freedom in your attitude and in your actions in a given situation, whatever it is...even if you don't know what to do."---Jon Kabat-Zinn

Winter Squash, Phat Girlz, The Now Habit & More

I've found myself still recovering from the holiday malaise. Today is the first day I've really felt like myself---with ideas, feelings of creativity, inspiration, etc.---waking up at 4am this morning ready to begin the day. I've sort of felt like a winter squash before this. I don't know how else to explain it. Here in the Pacific Northwest it's been raining every day for countless days on end. And it's been cold, too. This all contributed to my holiday malaise and lethargy, lingering and melding with feelings of depression and SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

I felt a little better on Saturday, perky enough to shop for food all over the South Sound, from Costco to Trader Joe's to our local supermarket. When you can eat anything you want (with TWL) it really helps to have a selection of good things to eat! Then yesterday, I vlogged at last (and although my vlog seemed tired and strained to me---at least I did it). I missed communicating with all of you. Also yesterday, LoveHubbie returned from a trip with Lovely Stepdaughter. I find myself coming out of my reading and arting shell of hibernation and retreat, to my delight.

I've been loving TWL (Transformational Weight Loss)...however, it is quite a challenge to learn self-acceptance at a much higher weight than I'm used to. It's good for me, though, and all a part of this process. Last night I watched the movie Phat Girlz, which is a manifesto for plus-sized women and ambitiously portrays the struggle we larger women go through for self-acceptance in our American culture that tolerates and even encourages prejudice based on size. I wish I could convey in words the usefulness and the beneficial difficulty of this TWL journey. I keep trying to remember to breathe...just breathe...just breathe.... For some reason, lately I keep forgetting, and get spun up into the drama and form of the day's events...I hope to be more grounded. I'm blaming it on my hormones for now...because it's a convenient way of avoiding responsibility, I suppose...the mature woman's PMS.

This weekend I read a book recommended by someone here (I can't remember who) called "The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play" by Neil Fiore, which I SO needed. I haven't been a procrastinator in the past, but since NaNoWriMo's success, I've been procrastinating with my novel...all December long, which didn't help the holiday malaise much. This book gave me a useful strategy for beginning to write again and for overcoming my fears. It is useful for dealing with resistance and for bringing joy back into tasks that have become onerous. I'm most excited about this for the new year!

This week I expect to be filled with pattern-breaking fun of spending time with Lovely Stepdaughter and with LoveHubbie coming home from work early---a great combination.



Today I'm grateful for the ordinariness of my life. I so much prefer this to the chaos and drama that I seemed to attract so much in the past. Today I am wishing those of you dealing with difficult and turbulent challenges peace and the hope of an ordinary and mundane and peaceful and happy extraordinary life---soon. Blessings to each one of you today, and ordinary miracles!

Happy New Year 2008

Transformational Weight Loss Update #4 First Mindful Meal

This video is just under 4 minutes:

Unlived Moments

This is from the book "Arriving at Your Own Door" by Jon Kabat-Zinn:

"Each moment missed is a moment unlived. Each moment missed makes it more likely I will miss the next moment, and live through it cloaked in mindless habits of automaticity rather than living in, out of and through awareness."

More About Transformational Weight Loss

Please watch my video below first (the previous entry about Transformational Weight Loss)...then view this video...thank you!

I am hoping that many of you will accept my invitation!

This YouTube video is 2:29 long:

Wellness Wednesday: Transformational Weight Loss

This YouTube video is 3:51 long:



There are two links I want to give you. One is to the book "Transformational Weight Loss" by Charles Eisenstein online for a donation. The other is for those of you who like a hardcopy to carry around with you.