Summoning Up My Dream

In the last two days, a theme has repeated in my life and I've had an epiphany: I've been afraid to dream dreams--life dreams, hopes, visions--for a long time, maybe since I was a young woman. So I just stopped dreaming. I've been afraid to believe.

Then on Monday, Kate's birthday, Kate launched a giveaway for her new Safe Harbor Creativity Coaching practice. It's a huge giveaway of a month of coaching with her, and she is offering some cool specials as well. I was excited to enter. Part of the entry was to leave a comment about your creative dream, which also might be what you'd like to be coached about. I really had to think on that. I have problems and issues and am very aware of what they are--that's what I work on in therapy. But dreams--creative dreams? How long has it been since I've given myself permission to have those?

So I summoned up a dream and entered Kate's contest. I wasn't sure if it fit or not. I was surprised that I could come up with one and write it in the comment.

Then on Tuesday I was reviewing a new book by Danielle LaPorte from WhiteHotTruth.com. It hasn't come out yet (I'm reviewing an advance copy), but when it does this April, you should get it. It's called The Fire Starter Sessions. It is SO good! I was just in the introduction, and Danielle wrote about how important it is to commit to dreaming about your ideal life, to make it a regular life practice, refine it every day. I thought, "Whoa! What a difference from me? I had to think to even figure out what my dream might be! How could my life shift if I allowed myself to daily refine my dreams?"

The last tap from the Universe was Tuesday also when my therapist told me about a book she had been reading about the importance of rehearsing our dreams in our heads, suggesting that I may choose to do this. I knew for sure that this was a message I needed to incorporate into my life.

As if all of that wasn't enough, today, Wednesday, Cinner wrote a post about her dream. How our dreams can change morph as life changes us. I knew these messages were all for me.

Today I wrote my dream out. After sitting with its kernel from Kate's page for a couple of days, I expanded it a bit more and wrote:

My dream is to figure out a way to have the time, energy, and belief in myself to do the things I love as a creative career: art, writing, reading, and encouraging other people, probably as a life coach. (Note: I already am a certified life coach and have a master's degree as well, so this is a doable dream. The hardest part of this dream is the initial part!)

It took so much from me to admit this to myself. I haven't spent time dwelling on it or rehearsing it yet--more just allowing it, and letting myself dip my toe into the deep end of my imagination as I try it on for size.

What is your dream? Do you allow yourself to meditate on it daily?

Or are you already living your dream? I suspect that some of you are--I have seen this happen over and over in your lives. Please share.

Regarding Criticism and Insults

If you haven't read the comments on my post on enemies from yesterday, please do, and if you'd like, add to the discussion. There is much wisdom there...thank you to every one of you.

Here is something to add to that post.  It is a video from Martha Beck about getting over insults, and it is really provocative. Why do "insults" hurt? What is a helpful model for addressing insults and criticism? Martha answers this in just over two minutes.




What do you think? Wouldn't it be something to take what people say as input, and rather than reacting to it, responding to it internally in a truly appropriate way? This is really clean and healthy, I think.

Anita Roberts Video

I found this video via Patti Digh and Sophia Leadership. It's about the sense that each woman has about what is good for her and right--her intuition--and how we listen to it--but it is about so much more than that. It's a TED talk, and so it is almost 17 minutes, but you will not regret watching it, if you are a woman, I promise you this.

My Word for the Year: Valid

This word for the year requires some explanation, because I really want you to get how big it is for me.

Originally I started with the idea from this post by Patti Digh that I wanted to let go of striving. Yes! This passivity, or even better--surrender--is something that I want to incorporate into 2011. I don't want to push or try or force anything. I want to allow, to unfold, to unfurl...

I still want to do this.

Valid is something that I am. Not something I need to try to attain. But I haven't known this for most of my life.

For years I was an "invalid" (see the not "valid" in "invalid"?) and my greatest fear is, I've realized, becoming an invalid again...this was how the word "valid" first began to speak to me. My mother was someone who suffered, and I have been like her. I had CFIDS (chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia) for more than a decade, plus abusive husbands, poverty, and a panoply of physical ailments to deal with. I was like my mother in other ways, too. For years I lived as though I had no voice, no joy, no power, no money, no anger (when I should have), and submitted myself to harsh religious systems (and at times, cults) to find meaning in life.

All of this has changed as I've grown older, and especially since I had my first blog, tappingluau, and now happyluau. I'm not the same person I was. However, the sense of being "not enough" or of being of little worth has still been a theme in my life. With some of the counseling I've been having, plus the tapping (fasterEFT) I've been doing as a spiritual practice, I've realized this recently.

"Valid" says, to me, that I have intrinsic worth, intrinsic value, and that I matter. I count as much as anyone else. My opinions and beliefs matter. My feelings matter. My wants and my needs matter. I don't deserve to be treated poorly or tossed aside. I am not invisible. I am not (as someone in a significant relationship referred to me in the past, really!) a "car in the garage" to be used whenever someone (say, that person) decides I am useful. I am neither an invalid nor "not valid" nor inconsequential nor "not worthy". I am valid. 

Now to most of you--my dear blog readers--this sounds so obvious it would almost be silly. Yet as I wrote the above, I cried. It is so profound, and something that I've never applied to myself at a heart level.  It is key for me in being able to select my own church. It is key for me in being able to lose weight. It is key for me in being able to stop taking poor treatment from people, and for becoming angry and acting appropriately when I am treated poorly. It is key for me in stopping self-defeating behaviors and sabotaging my own success. It is absolutely vital for me in being able to be who I am.

There is nothing I have to DO to be "valid", either. I just am. That is the "allow" and "surrender" part. As I keep believing this, re-membering it daily, and applying it to my life, things will keep changing in 2011. This whole process will unfold and unfurl and without striving my life will become what I need it to be.

I can't wait.



~Photo of a bird's egg in our garden by LoveHubbie Mark, edited by me

Sacred Life Sunday: Cherishing My Life With Joy (Revisited)

Portions of this post were previously posted on Sunday, July 20, 2008--over two years ago! I wanted to update it for this Sacred Life Sunday. I still love the two quotes that were featured, and want to add one now that I am a Christian, which is:

 "...The joy of the Lord is my strength."--Nehemiah 8:10

This verse has meant so much to me as I've discovered a whole new--dimension, sort of--to joy. It completes this post from the past. So here is my post:

"I read this marvelous quote in a book I'm reading called "When You're Falling, Dive" by Mark Matousek. It has stayed with me, and I think I'm going to take it as my mantra for depression recovery:

"I don't have to earn my life anymore. It was given to me to cherish as I would a precious gift from someone who loves me and whom I love."---Jim Curtan

This same Jim Curtan also, referring to what he realized at a retreat, said:

"God said my job was joy. But joy is not just about being happy. Joy is a rigorous spiritual practice of saying yes to life on life's terms."

Drop dead profound.

And in the spirit of joy, and to counterbalance the lately more sad posts at the happyluau, here are some joy-filled pictures I've been saving to share with you. They didn't seem to go with any of my previous posts this week, but they will fit with this one!






~The two photos above are from Cute Overload, the happy hamster and the happy dog.




~This photo of the happy nuns is from this blog."

Ordinary Things

I was inspired to write this post by laundrygirl and Chani. Their recent posts emphasized gratitude and being content with the quotidian activities we all engage in. And of course, I am continually inspired by Kikipotamus the Hobo's ongoing Grace in Small Things adventure, echoed at times by AbitibiSouth. I am convinced that if we can learn to do this, we can have more peace and get more enjoyment out of life.

So today I thought I'd write a list of some for the small things that brought me pleasure, grace, and peace.

• Continuing recovery from my painful gum infection of the last few weeks.
• Not falling lots of times when I almost have.
• The silence that is around me for most of the day.
• A fountain pen that was a gift from a near stranger.
• Added by LoveHubbie: "The way a fire feels on your backside." (This would be the heat from a woodstove, not lighting your buttocks on fire.)
  
• Light rain for my walk (as opposed to hard, driving, drenching rain.
  
• Committing myself to finally doing some art (Kate's Striped Paper technique) which you can see more of here and here. I plan to do it with glue though as I don't have a sewing machine. I love the look of it.
  
• Having an empty refrigerator but finding some sardines.
  
• The clean light feeling I get when I wash my hair.
  
• Eyes that can see to read, still.
  
• Each and every one of you.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

How Efficient Is Your Life?...The Quiz

I took Oprah's quiz about negative and positive energy, which teased me away from work last night, asking, "What Kind of Energy Do You Give Off? Take the Quiz!" So I did. Ouch! The truth hurts. My results, which were more about efficiency, more related to how "clean" your energy is, were as follows:

You scored 30.

26–35 points:
Your life is inefficient and is getting more so. You have a sense that you are treading water rather than getting ahead. Too much is out of your control, and your ability to cope with everyday challenges is only adequate. To begin to feel comfortable, you will have to address negative areas you've been overlooking and change your habits and beliefs in those areas. Look realistically at your inefficient ways, because one or the other—sloppiness, disorganization, procrastination, denial, impulsiveness—is draining your energy. Your available energy for positive growth is limited.

Right. On the money.

With a diagnosis like this, and a prognosis so depressing, I am so glad that I'm addressing this.

Sacred Life Sunday: Guilt-Free Play

As many of you know, I am currently reading the book The Power of Slow: 101 Ways to Save Time in Our 24/7 World" by Christine Hohlbaum. I am also completely revamping my life in order to create time abundance. I should have a strategy and plan in place early in the week; however, I am already implementing changes, since many things take time to accomplish. I will be writing more about this soon.

Tonight I read about how both workaholics and procrastinators have trouble engaging in guilt-free play. This was a huge revelation to me. LoveHubbie is a super workaholic and I could easily see his pattern. Seeing my own was another matter. Underneath the busy, busy gal trying to do things I love and things that are important to me is is The Procrastinator always getting derailed by little, usually diddly, trivial tasks. I clearly see that my "falling" into unwanted yet urgent tasks is a way for me to procrastinate about my passions. I am the same as LoveHubbie in that it is incredibly difficult for me to participate in guilt-free play (although I do admit to engaging in guilty play!)

Insights like these will help me to continue to develop my plan. As I'm reading this book, I'm writing down changes in a notebook. Then I'll synthesize them and implement them. I am so excited about the changes that I've already started.

If you struggle with guilt-free play, maybe you are a workaholic or a procrastinator. Anyone else struggle with this?

Facebook Privacy

Here is a very useful article for those of you who are on Facebook, but who know little about Facebook privacy. If you aren't on Facebook yet, but are considering being there, check it out as well. I love Facebook---a lot! but it is important to be aware of the risks and precautions to take. If you don't have time to read a whole book or even a book chapter, spend a few minutes reading this.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark in Kauai

Wellness Wednesday: Gratitude

This Wellness Wednesday is a day late because I recently had dental surgery. But yesterday and today I was really grateful. Grateful for the resources to have dental surgery. Grateful for someone (LoveHubbie) to accompany me to the procedure. Grateful to see an end to the pain I've been having. Grateful to be able to rest up and take care of myself without worrying about economic loss.

But the surgery and other events caused me to be grateful in a different way as well. It made me think of all of the things in my body that do work right.

For example, right now my body is aggressively healing. It is supported by lots of different medications, and by healing prayers and energies sent by you all. But it is doing much work right now, all without my active participation. Of course, I provide it with sleep and rest, but basically I'm unaware.

My personal assistant, Sweetie, acquired Bell's palsy last week. She is young and healthy, and it just happened. Aside from the fact that her face sags on the left side as though she'd had a stroke, her biggest problem is having to manually blink her left eye--it no longer blinks on its own and the blinking is vital to the eye's health and maintenance of vision. So she continues working, because she has to, and manually blinks her eye as she does.

How often are we aware or grateful that our eye blinks? Do we thank it for blinking for us? Are we thrilled in a given day that we don't have to manually blink our eye?

Thousands of miles away in Honolulu my co-author Akoni languishes in a hospital, having lost his leg to diabetes, losing his hands to gangrene. I imagine he is happy for every moment of life he has left. My heart aches for him daily. I am hoping that I get to visit him on this trip to Hawaii, and I am afraid it will be the last time I see him. He has trouble eating, and must now be fed.

How often are we excited that we can eat on our own without assistance? I don't remember feeling this way ever.

These two people I know, but others as well, are examples for me in living courageously with whatever problems I might have. And they remind me to be grateful for small things that are so vital, but that I overlook. I don't want to overlook. I want to be filled with gratitude every day.

If you are feeling poorly today, stop overlooking your many numerous blessings. You'll feel better. I promise.

~Photo of Lavender Field, representing Abundance, by LoveHubbie Mark

OTV Travel Tip

Here is another video (2:14) I made while packing for vacation while my Internet connection was down:

Wellness Wednesday: I Am Enough

Kelley's poem from yesterday, and then her post today reminded me of a post I'd done a while ago and something I really, really needed to remember. She writes:

"The truth is I AM enough - we are ALL enough, Divinity lives within each of us, and we don’t even have to look that hard for it, we just have to get quiet, really listen to our hearts and trust in even the faintest whispers of our dreams. We just have to let go of the assumptions and judgements we make about ourselves and the world around us. We just have to open the flood gates, even a tiny little bit, and Divinity will come rushing out for all to see."---Kelley from Dragonfly Reflections

Yes! Yes! Yes!



~ This is a beautiful painting I purchased a while ago by an unknown artist (I can't read her/his name in the signature). It is a poem called "I Am Enough".
UPDATE: I found out who created this: the artist's name is Kristen Jongen and her web site is Soul Soup! Her art work is wonderful and so are her books, so glad to finally "find" her!

Sacred Life Sunday: The Big List

Today I was inspired by Jessie's list for ideas for BE BRAVE, a list in which she answered the question she asked herself: "What acts of bravery would I like to accomplish in the coming days and weeks?" I thought that by making a list of things that I'd want to do, a "BE BRAVE List", no holds barred, I might have a better chance of actually making them happen.

At the same time, I was inspired by Patti Digh's recently asking the question to her blog readers: "What would you do if you had only 37 days to live?" I wondered how many of the BE BRAVE actions would be on a "37 Days List" and vice-versa.

I also have been noticing that on my To Do List (which I call a Could Do List in a futile attempt to make me feel as though I really don't have to do these things...I know I don't...but I sort of do...see my ambivalence!) there are many actions that have languished there for a long, long time. So I thought that I'd also list my Could Do actions, and in particular note the ones there that I really don't like the process of doing, although I want or need the result of having accomplished them. I wondered if any of these actions on my "Could Do List" would be also listed as a BE BRAVE action, or if I'd care about any of them if I had only 37 Days to live!

I saw the potential for learning a lot about the tasks, myself, and what I wanted by doing this. The Big List, as I call it, is dynamic, and I'll update it regularly as I complete tasks. It will help me achieve my goals of doing things I want to that are brave, meaningful, and help me to better live the type of life I want to live.


For this entire process I didn't censor myself at all, just wrote as I was inspired. I left the lists raw and uncensored as I combined them into The Big List. It sounds like a lot of lists and a big mess, but it really is a neat little list with three columns that works really well. Notice that I did age the view of the list just because some of the actions are ultra personal or involve other people, etc. Note that I mispronounced Patti Digh's last name in the video; it actually is pronounced "dye"---thank you, Rick! The video is 2:43 long:





So The Big List, three lists combined, is more than either of the lists alone. It's way more than a souped-up To Do List. Each action can be evaluated based on whether or not it takes bravery, and whether or not it is something that I'll care about if I am aware that my time here is severely limited. It is then listed in one, two, or all three columns. It is by doing this, and by keeping the process dynamic, that I'll learn how to be braver doing things that matter to me.

It was the perfect meditative task for a Sacred Life Sunday!

Hard Question

On Steve Pavlina's blog yesterday, he asked, "What would you stop tolerating if you suddenly had tons more energy flowing through you?" This question is designed to show where you are "resisting a more energetic state of being". This hit me right between the eyes. I realized how much I settle for things in my life. And (this is hard) how much my lack of energy and depression serve certain aspects of my life.

Is this a hard question for you to answer?

They Don't Read My Blog So I'm Mad at Them...I'm Like 8 Years Old!

Okay, so I'm wondering how everyone feels about people in your offline life who don't or won't read your blog. I'm hoping to get a discussion going here, so please weigh in.

Some of my friends and family members read my blog and some do not. LoveHubbie sometimes reads my blog, and sometimes not. And then some of my friends read my blog, every last post. Sometimes I feel like those friends really and truly care about me. Is that dumb or what? I guess because my blog is where I share myself and share my heart, a part of me feels like "if you really love me you'll read my blog". Of course, I know that doesn't make sense. Some people don't like to get on the Internet. Others have a lot of people to keep up with. Others just aren't blog readers. Others don't know what blogs are. Well figure it out! (If you love me!) There are lots of reasons not to read someone's blog. But I want those I love to care enough to read what I care enough to post about. It seems juvenile and so I dismiss it but it's there nevertheless, kind of like other emotions I have that I know are immature, like jealousy or insecurity.

And then I get really annoyed if I need to explain something that I've already blogged extensively about to someone who won't read my blog. Sometimes I just tell LoveHubbie, "Go read my blog!" but he's not big on reading in general, so that's not a very effective response to help our relationship. Not to mention that it's not a very patient or considerate response.

I'm not really proud of this...does anyone else feel like me? And I wonder why I can't seem to get over this embarrassing problem? What do you think?

~Picture from Cute Overload

Wellness Wednesday: What Makes Life Worth Living?

This blog post was prompted by Thailand Chani's post here, and by her response to my comment. My comment was this:

[...I have very very low expectations about everyone. I've been through a lot. I expect little to nothing from others, and feel as though I must depend upon myself---just me---and no one else. It's a hard and cold attitude, but one that helps me to cope.

Then, if someone does respond lovingly, I'm delighted. If they show integrity, I'm pleasingly surprised. If they seem to care, I'm thrilled.

I'm pretty cynical, and don't expect much from people, period.

I would like to have other people that I can reliably depend upon, but at this point in my life I'm slow to trust, even slower to believe in anyone, especially any group of people (which just multiplies the probability of being let down). Even Hawaiians. Anyone.

I'm not suggesting that you be like me (because I don't even know if it's healthy), but just letting you know how I cope with the frustration and hurt...]

Her response was this:

[Olivia, I can understand how living in this place.. and with this way of life.. it could become necessary to adopt that attitude. I seem to be congenitally incapable of it. A life like that, to me, simply isn't worth living.]

So then I started to wonder, why I feel my life is so worth living. Because I do! True, I do feel depressed. A lot. I don't know---I have a sort of acceptance of this depressed state, because basically I feel so fortunate, blessed, and happier than I've ever been in my whole life (note: I've had a pretty crummy life until the last 8.5 years or so).

Although I am depressed, I'm not miserable at all. Just tired a whole lot, withdrawn (very, very withdrawn---very withdrawn!), lonely (except for my online life), and sad. Maybe I just have to feel and process years of troubled feelings and this will take some time. It's only recently that I've started to feel my feelings instead of to run from them. I feel very accepting of my life and my situation. Grateful for it even. Full of gratitude for all of the many blessings in my life.

Even the challenging things in my life I believe are here to teach me something. There are lessons that I need to learn. Not that I can't change them, of course. But that if I choose to accept them, or if I can't change them right now, then my task is to learn from them what I need to so that my difficult times are not repeated over and over and over again---a problem for me when I was younger.

As far as other people go, I really do expect very little from either individuals or groups. This is based upon experience, upon years of being hurt and of expecting from people what I just don't think they can give. Even basic things like integrity, honesty, respect, totally common courtesy, and more. I no longer believe, even for things like this from those who profess to love me.

So now I prefer to think of love as something that I give, not something that I get. For me, this makes life worth living. And then sometimes, often even...well, truthfully, much of the time, I get even more back than I've given. This really makes life great. But I don't expect it.

Except with animals, of course :) That's a story for another time.

If someone is very toxic, honestly, I'll remove them from my life, and I've been criticized strongly for this. I'm estranged from my family of origin for this very reason. I will try for twenty or thirty years, but then eventually, say after 42 years, I'll give up and establish a relationship of estrangement. This allows me to work out forgiveness and to love those (in a far-off way) I'm estranged from. I explained to my father once that sometimes it is only possible to love and forgive someone from afar, when you are safe. Sometimes you just need to be safe. At least I do. This decision about my bio-family has helped me to make huge strides in my physical health. It's also partially responsible for my recovery from chronic fatigue syndrome (8.5 years ago).

As I told Chani, I don't know if this attitude I have is particularly healthy. It does seem a little cold. And I've been told it's hard. Right now it works for me. I'm open to better ways of living, though...really open.

It's Wellness Wednesday, and for now this attitude makes my life not just worth living, but possible to live. And thrive. It keeps me going.



What do you think? What makes your life worth living? If no one truly truly loves you in the way you need it or want it are you content to love others and spread kindness and goodness and blessings and love to those who are in your life or whose path you will cross today? Should you be content with that? Let me know what you think.

Emotional Practice

Tagging sensations---translating bodily sensations into emotions---is a skill, an emotional practice. I've trained myself and received formal training as well in doing this for others via graduate school in counseling and a post-graduate certificate in life coaching. However, having a personal emotional practice in identifying and dealing with my feelings is something that I've trained myself for half a century not to do:

Early years of being physically beaten and verbally battered as a child and trying to deny and/or forget my feelings
So that I could survive and be able to love my parents even at the cost of distrusting myself and my feelings.

Years of schooling and working jobs while ignoring any feelings I might have
So that I could be productive and achieve, achieve, achieve...

Years spent in a fundamentalist religion and training myself to overcome any and all feelings
So that I could better serve God.

Eons spent in unhealthy marriages valuing the longevity of the marriage over my own needs and desires
So that I could successfully avoid divorce...
I've been married three times.


It's pretty amazing to realize this. In an odd way, I'm appreciative of my weight problem and emotional eating struggles which negatively affect my health, forcing me to develop a healthy emotional practice now. It is apparently only now that I am old enough, strong enough, mature enough, strong enough, and safe enough to do this. I am grateful!



~Pictures by LoveHubbie Mark

The Dark Side of Thanksgiving: Sales

In this least important Thanksgiving post, I include a practical link so that you can save time for more important endeavors on Thanksgiving, such as self-care, love, gratitude, family, good food, rest, and relaxing. I'm exaggerating a bit when I call it "dark", I suppose, but I can't really think of a better word.

I don't like conventional shopping, especially on Black Friday; instead I love the combination of search engines and online shopping: good deals + no driving + lightening fast!

So, if you like to shop on Thanksgiving, but don’t want to leave your cozy warm house, check out Amazon’s Black Friday sale here. Note that it starts officially on Friday. This is something special Amazon is doing to compete with offline stores.

Also check out Amazon’s continuous deals (not just on Black Friday) in the widget in my sidebar.

Touching Others’ Lives

For this Thanksgiving post, I offer a link to a short video about service, and it applies each one of us. If you are looking for something beautiful and inspirational to watch for Thanksgiving, here you go:

http://www.stservicemovie.com/

I saw this here on Virginia’s blog “Sacred Ruminations”.



Today I give thanks for the way each of you touches my life...

Happy Thanksgiving!

~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark

Update to How I Use(d) Food

Got a hit last night---yay! (No Late Night Eating!, see prior post) I'm going to keep going with this, all the way, each day. Step by step, creating more and more of this "new lifestyle". Thank you all for your support, Olivia