Getting Creative the Last Two Days

Well, the last two days have been interesting. I've continued to work on my four collages, making progress.

I've found that I work differently, especially slower, thinking that I'm going to be sharing my art with others. I've never really done that before. I sort of got over the abject fear hesitation and am currently just pretending that I'm not going to be sharing them with anyone, so that I can continue to work authentically. I expect that this is a big hurdle everyone must face sooner or later when they first decide to share their work.

Yesterday I went on an Artist Date...remember those from Finding Water? I'd not been on one since we finished our twelfth week! I was with LoveHubbie while he was working in another town, and I'd brought my novel-start that I've been working on for months. So while he was working, I walked and walked, reading my novel-start and remembering, then reading a little more and walking some more, trying to immerse myself in the story I'd wanted to create.

I decided that one character is now out, and I'm going to delete her from everything. Plus I got some other ideas for the rest of the novel, especially what voice sounds best for the main character to use. It was great walking and thinking...walking and thinking....

I decided I want to bring back the Artist Date; it's a great way of being creative.

Seasons Come to Me

"My life is fruitful and abundant. Just as the earth has its cycles and seasons, so, too, our own lives have times of planting, times of growth and times of harvest. So much of my frustration comes from my refusal to accept life's seasons as they come to me. An adolescent child enters a period of rebellion. This is necessary to full maturation. A project at the midpoint is sprawling and unwieldy. This, too, is necessary. A marriage enters a time of solo growth and trajectories as each partner pursues independent interests. However unsettling, this, too, is healthy. Not all seasons lie serene in the sun, yet each has its place. As I ask to be attuned to life's cycles, I feel my anxiety slipping away. I rest in the faith that all is unfolding according to right timing. I am where I should be when I should be. I am alert to the good of every moment...Today, I accept divine timing. I allow the pacing of the Universe to be my own. I align myself with the tempo of my life precisely as it is unfolding."---Julia Cameron, in "Transitions: Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life"

I am in a season of transition. The only way to get through without anxiety taking over is to trust that this is a season for me to learn many things, and that the Universe is benevolent and in control.

I have been in a challenging situation at work. My challenge right now is to decide to trust my and Hubbie's values and principles and act upon them...or...to give in to fear and greed. I have always been fearful---Hannah Hurnard's "Much Afraid" as I've gone through life. However, I've never thought of myself as a greedy person---ever---and yet here when I am faced with something monetarily important to me (our livelihood) it is "a dilemma" to me to act in a way that would be crystal clear if it involved anything or anyone else. Hubbie has more courage than I do here. He doesn't do the principles versus money thing (because he is so strongly principled), and for that I admire him. So I did the struggle thing, and of course, of course, come out on the side of principle. But because of the struggle, and because it's hard, I'd expect better from myself. I sort of surprised myself and have learned a lot.

So (and here's my self-talk for the day), I relax today, and let life's cycles take over, without trying to manage and control them. I allow things to unfold as they will. I let it be easy. I trust the Universe and I trust Hubbie. I keep myself open to the good that will come my way if I will just allow instead of trying to force. I trust in the fruitfulness and abundance of life.

~Picture by Hubbie Mark, who would rather see this iris right-side up than sideways. I love it sideways more.

Savoring the Moment

"It is so easy to miss the beauty that awaits us in the here and now...We must pause to catch the moment and savor our delight. Savoring the moment is a learned art, and it is an art that must be practiced to be perfected."---Julia Cameron, in "Finding Water"

I was greatly encouraged by Julia Cameron writing this. I'd thought I was doomed to just being a completely unobservant person who lives in my head and has great trouble being present in the now. It is my great delight to think that this ability can actually be cultivated; it is not a character trait but a skill---yea!



~Picture by Hubbie Mark

This Day

"Nothing is worth more than this day."---Johann Wolfgang Goethe

I haven't been much in the mood to write lately, ignoring my Morning Pages and getting all discombobulated by "time scarcity" (the feeling that there's not enough time). Today I want to turn this experience around, and have a meaningful and time-abundant day despite a packed schedule. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Until then, I have some links for you from other people who have written some interesting things:
For a story to make you think, visit Joni's blog.
For a posting about the natural world called Sex Makes You Fat, visit Dr. Petty's blog.
For a very cute video, see CuteOverload for a predictable smile.
It has been a delectation for you to visit me today!

Make your day count!

~Picture from the Cloud Appreciation Society

The Joyous Expectation of Good

Well, this weekend that was supposed to be full of fun ended up being different than what I expected. I somehow injured both of my knees and was in incredible pain. I'm going to the doctor today to see what is wrong. So I sat the whole weekend with my legs up and iced and did sudoku puzzles when I felt well enough to concentrate. I also read the Sunday newspaper and napped. It was a feeble attempt at fun, but it was an attempt!

I read this in Julia Cameron's "Heart Steps: Prayers and Declarations for a Creative Life", which is a little book of meditative prayers. This one in particular spoke to me and maybe it will speak to you in your life situation:

"MY SOUL HAS PATIENCE AND CONTAINMENT: I am patient. I am able to live with ambiguity. I am able to allow situations to evolve and alter. I am able to await outcomes. I tolerate quiet periods of non-knowing while solutions emerge and present themselves. I do not force solutions. I expect the successful working-out of difficulties and differences. My heart is wise. It knows when to act and when non-action is the action to take. I trust my patient heaert. I trust the power of my containment. "Today I live in the quiet joyous expectation of good"---Ernest Holmes"

I feel like I'm learning the importance of perseverance when it comes to hope, as in continuing to hope when Id rather just feel depressed, and when it comes to walking, as in dealing with setback after setback as I continue to work to develop an active and healthy lifestyle where I can walk as much as I want.

Fun and God and Old Ideas

"On the one hand,we give lip service to the notion that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. On the other, we secretly think that God wants us to be broke if we are going to be so decadent as to want to be artists. Do we have any proof at all for these ideas about God? We are operating out of the toxic old idea that God's will for us and our will for us are at opposite ends of the table. "I want to be an actress, but God wants me to wait tables in hash joints," the scenario goes. "So if I try to be an actress, I will end up slinging hash." Maybe we won't. The universe falls in with worthy plans and most especially with festive and expansive ones."---Julia Cameron in "Inspirations: Meditations from The Artist's Way"

This does not jive with my childhood or adulthood religious training at all. Could it be that God/Spirit/the Universe wants fun for me? This is too wild, but I'm thinking, true. I love how Julia Cameron calls the plans of the Universe "festive" and "expansive". So often my plans aren't exactly festive and expansive, but more and more I want them to be.

"Only recently recognized as an addiction, workaholism still receives a great deal of support in our society. The phrase "I'm working" has a certain unassailable air of goodness and duty to it. The truth is, we are very often working to avoid ourselves, our spouses, our real feelings. In creative recovery, it is far easier to get people to do the extra work of the Morning Pages than it is to get them to do the assigned play of an artist date. Play can make a workaholic very nervous. Fun is scary."---Julia Cameron in "Inspirations: Meditations from The Artist's Way"

And I want to have fun. Even if it is scary, at first. So, thanks to E, I have a real weekend, omg---like normal people---for a change! I can't tell you what I'm going to do with it, but I promise you that I'm going to have some scary fun. I'll work really hard to do so.


~Picture by Hubbie Mark

Something Wonderful Has Happened In my Life

Yes, indeed, what a great title, and it's true. But I can't write about it yet. I'll write about it very, very soon. Just wanted to mention it, as my whole life is different now. In a good way.

This morning I have to run off, and I don't have enough time to tell you yet. In the meantime, here are some pictures from the Nisqually River Delta. I went on my Artist Date last week there. I took my notebook of writings that I'm working on (the beginnings of a novel), and thought and wrote the whole time. It was peaceful and blissful. The park is actually a sanctuary for birds, and I contemplated the meaning of "safety" while I was there. I felt very, very safe. This was a good and needed feeling.

So I'm finally posting the shots for your contemplation of "safety". I know, I'm still stuck back in week ten and haven't even gotten to week eleven's discipline yet, but there are important things for me to do yet back here.






~Pictures by Me

I Am Safe and I Can Trust My Intuition

Here is another card from my card collection, which I believe is from Louise Hay:




It is hard for me to believe sometimes that I can trust my intuition, that my intuition is trustworthy. I want to believe, I think, that my intuition is screwy and that I can be victimized. However, I know---KNOW---that this is absolutely not true. My intuition is right on course; I just need to actually listen and have courage to follow through. And if I have listened, there is no such thing as "victimized"---all things that happen to me are lessons for my own healing and growth. And for everyone else involved, too. This is what I know is true.

I know we've started Week 11 in Finding Water, on Discipline, but I still have a little more to write about Safety...I'm a little behind. But it's all good, right :)

I am Safe and I am Free

This is from my card collection. It was apropos for this week, since in Finding Water (and in my personal life) the focus is "safety". I didn't make these cards, and although I don't save the boxes, I believe this one is from one of the Louise Hay collections. If anyone knows, please let me know.



Claim this affirmation for yourself, if you need to. I know I do!

Better Times at the happyluau

Well, things are a bit better at the happyluau today. See my smile :) I went on my Artist Date to the St. Placid Priory, a local monastic community and just walked around the grounds and thought about life. I met several of the sisters there and asked them pointed and direct questions, hoping to benefit from their wisdom and experience. They had no easy answers, for there really are none, but it was fun to discuss deep topics with wise women.

Finding Water News: Also yesterday I did all of week 9's reading and divining rods. I can hardly believe it is now week 10! I feel like I have grown so much from this process. The continually beautiful and thought-provoking postings from our our leaders Jessie and Leah help me grow each week. The encouragement from all of you is invaluable to me. I continue to read your blogs, although I've been lax about blogging myself.

I feel like I have some perspective on my troubles of late, and know that grieving is a process and all will be resolved in time. I know I'll be ok. Life makes sense. I even feel safe (it's week 10 after all). Thank all of you for your love and prayers and good thoughts sent my way.

Even my stalker issue seems to be resolved, I pray. Some of you may have noticed some odd comments on my blog, which were from someone who had been a long-distance friend of mine for many years, but who had changed in ways that caused me to decide to cease contact with him. He'd tried persistently for some time after that to continue to contact me, despite my requests---then demands---for no contact. At last he gave up (almost a year ago), but with my latest difficulties I guess he sensed an opportunity of some sort, so he renewed his efforts to reestablish contact, going from viewing my blog excessively (and throwing my stats counter way off) to odd commenting on my blog and finally to beginning to phone me again. My husband stepped in (thank you sooo much, hubbie) to call him and left a message on Friday insisting that he stop and so far all has been quiet. Although I fear my stalker was just gone for the weekend, I want to believe that he has decided to move on with his life. I am wishing him blessings and sending him on his way to interact with people who want his attentions and interactions and who will give him what I cannot. In case he does return, I'm posting this here, hoping there is a part of him that can understand that continuing to stalk me will not bring good things to either of us, but that moving forward in other directions will earn him my eternal gratitude and bring him better days, surely.

~Picture by Hubbie Mark, taken yesterday

Put in A Good Week

Despite a tough week, I finished Week 7 with basically what I intended: 7 days in a row of morning pages, 7 days of goodly walks, 7 days of yoga, 6 days of decluttering, and an okay (but not fantastic) Artist Date. Now I'm ready to TAKE OFF...except for my morning pages, which I'm addicted to now :) I stretched and grew and strived and learned...and now I'm ready for a little rest.

So, I've given myself permission to let things slide this week to allow myself to gain energy again to be able to do things from a "want to" instead of a "have to" perspective.

This week I want to improve my Artist Date. Week 7 I did a collage about my life crisis, which was healing, but grief-filled and painful as all get out. It was not fun. An AD is supposed to be FUN!! So, this week FUN is on the agenda!



~Picture by Me

Bad Surprises

"Surprise is where creativity comes in."---Ray Bradbury via "Finding Water" by Julia Cameron

I have been surprised by truth these last several days, especially today, and have the opportunity to be creative in my life, not in the classic sense, as with art or writing. I can really see the connection between creativity and divine guidance when I view it this way.

As a recovered recovering control freak I'm used to viewing surprise as unwelcome if it was a "bad" surprise (as opposed to a happy surprise), because it meant I wasn't in control, and was at the effect of something. (I didn't mind not being in control for a happy surprise.) Instead, I can choose to see "bad" surprises as an opening, a chance to apply creativity to life, and to welcome divine guidance right in the moment, at the exact time when it is needed.

This quote in our reading was an epiphany and a balm. I am grateful.



~Picture by Me

Keeping Up

Well, I've been keeping up with what I intended this week so far. Each day I've done my morning pages, gone for a solo walk, done my yoga, and twice I did my decluttering (I totally forgot the first day, Saturday). I've been busy, but my week has been different in a very, very good way. I love the structure and the support it provides. My life is much richer, much more on track, and I seem to get more done, too. Now for the rest of the week...


~Picture by Hubbie Mark from his Night Flowers collection

Artist Date Reminder

"As Artists, we must learn to be self-nourishing. We must become alert enough to consciously replenish our creative resources as we draw on them---to restock the trout pond, so to speak. I call this process filling the well. In filling the well, think magic. Think delight. Think fun. Do not think duty. Do not do what you should do---spiritual sit-ups like reading a dull but recommended critical text. Do what intrigues you, explore what interests you; think mystery, not mastery."---Julia Cameron in "Inspirations: Meditations from The Artist's Way"

I read this quote this morning in a little book of Julia Cameron meditations and thought I'd use it to prepare for my Artist Date this week. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do for my Artist Date. But I like the idea of it being a "solo play date", with the emphasis on play. Later, Julia Cameron describes it this way:

"You need artist dates. Your artist needs to be taken out, pampered, and listened to. But what exactly is an artist date? An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a solo play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers."

I'd been slacking on my Artist Date, sort of taking time off to do something I like, and since I was taking a break from work and duties, back-calling it an "artist date". I liked this little reminder that it's supposed to be much more intentional and infinitely more nurturing. I thought you might appreciate the reminder too.

If you're not in Finding Water, do you ever take yourself out for an Artist Date? You say you're not an artist, but that's ok...try it, and see what happens---you may surprise yourself!

~Picture Via Cute Overload

Finding Water Week Seven

Darn! I want to get with my Morning Pages. I've been quite lackadaisical about things lately. This week I'm committed to doing them every day on week 7, along with yoga and my decluttering project that I've written about before. Daily. Too ambitious? We'll see. Can't wait to see what the result is by the end of the week. I just think that it will be good if I really stretch myself this week to making it a priority.

I already had to today. Friends invited us out for some activities and I declined. I did my Morning Pages twice last week, and totally "forgot" my Artist Date, so I know I'm not getting what I could out of this special time. To be fair, I started a new part-time job, but that's no excuse. It's not that I'm backsliding as a recovering perfectionist, either; I just want more from this time!

~Picture Via Cute Overload

More On Being Real & Emotional Sobriety

Reading Bee's post today and her comments on my previous post, I'm realizing how very, very little I truly know about emotional sobriety. It seems to me that some people are born on an even keel and then there are the rest of us...



It is so exciting to think about being able to be emotionally sober because to me it seems like being able to be:

passionate without being careless, impulsive, and destructive;

grateful rather than disappointed;

angry without being aggressive;

peaceful rather than agitated, worrying, or fearful;

sad without being dangerously depressed;

content rather than unsatisfied;

grounded rather than scattered;

focused rather than overwhelmed;

centered and aware rather than reactive and emotionally labile.


Of course, it is so much more than this. Do I have a grasp on this, at least conceptually? What are your thoughts?


~Photo by Hubbie Mark in honor of Leah's post on Jellyfish today

Finding Water, So Real

Julia Cameron's writing in "Finding Water" is so real for me. She writes about how to be sane, how to stay sane---emotionally sober---and to stay away from fear. I find this enormously helpful. Of course, we can never stay away perfectly from fear, but she helps me to find more ways not to dwell in fear.

Working part-time from home, it helps me enormously to have structure, a "simple grid" to follow, since I'm alone so much and working independently. Morning pages, artists dates, goodly walks; they help. Every time I drift off and veg out---like just sitting around watching videos, or sleeping in---I find it's good for a break but not for a lifestyle, and truly appreciate having some structure.




~Pictures by Hubbie Mark

Autonomy

This week, our Finding Water community focuses on Autonomy. One of our co-facilitators, Jessie, had some questions on her blog post which I answered in the comments, so I thought I'd post it here so that you could answer it yourself, if you'd like...it really makes you think.

What is your definition of autonomy? Knowing my truth and being able to stand in it.

What brings you peace? Being alone, being in Hawaii, reading, writing, creating, looking up at the tall trees in the forest and hearing them move.

Where does God live for you? Somewhere inside of me and in my brother (as in, everyone is my brother).

What do you love? Being alone, being in Hawaii, reading, writing, creating, looking up at the tall trees in the forest and hearing them move---i.e., all the things that bring me peace---PLUS labyrinths, good food and wine, good movies, good friends and family, my husband, my house, and books.

What are you grateful for? Spirit, all the things that bring me peace (above), all the things I love (also above). I'd like to learn to be grateful for everything, as I do believe that everything is a benevolent life lesson, but I'm not there yet :)

How do you escape the dull-drum fuglies? Usually getting extra sleep or being alone. Menopausal hormones. But honestly, I usually can't escape them, so I just weather them. This too shall pass.

What part of your life and your Self could use a little more compassion? Impatience, still trying to do things perfectly, although technically I'm a "recovering perfectionist". I keep falling off the wagon. I'd like to be kinder and gentler to myself.

Where does your "true North" point to? Spirit, Hawaii, writing.

So how about you...yes, YOU?


~Picture by Hubbie Mark

Week 4 Artist Date Recap

With my Dad's death, I'm behind in my Finding Water activities. I did want to write about my Artist Date from last week, though, as it was exciting. My goal had been to do something really challenging that would force me to stretch. So I decided to go to my favorite pub, and then do something I've never done before---sit by myself at the bar.

Whenever I go to Fishtale Brewpub I order my favorite meal, a BLT with avocado and a Caesar salad on the side. This year I've switched from beer to red wine, so I have a glass of Chilean red wine. Always the same thing, each time. But I sit in a corner and read or write, never at the bar. I've never ever sat at a bar by myself anywhere at all. This is because I'm so introverted, and sitting at a bar without anything to do would leave the impression that I am open for conversation or interaction, which is something I'm really uncomfortable with---with strangers, that is. Really, really uncomfortable.

But last week I did it. I was determined that no matter how hard it was, I'd get through it. I didn't have to enjoy it, just do it. People all around me were having conversations and interacting with each other and with the bartenders and servers. People were greeting familiar faces, embracing, catching up, etc. I just sat there, and it was pretty awkward. I smiled at people and eavesdropped on the conversations. The servers and bartenders eyed me curiously, as they had seen me lots before in the last several years, but never, ever at the bar. And never, ever without a book or paper, just looking around.

After I got my food, a stranger came over, and after introductions, I had a scintillating conversation about good books, dreams and goals (I used to be a life coach), more good books, and simply felt wonderful! My luncheon companion was a professor at our local university and we had a delightful time. I was really proud of myself, though, just for getting through it.

Some people do this sort of thing all the time, but not me. It was the first time, at age 49! But I did it---YEA!

Now that I'm back home, I want to get back into my routine, catch up with reading Finding Water, and start again with my morning pages. Looking forward to it...

Julia Cameron's Negativity

What do you think? Do you think Julia Cameron is negative in Finding Water, and if so, how do you deal with it? Caroline has a great post here on her blog (please see the 19 comments) about how she is coping. Until I read her post and the numerous comments, I had no idea what she meant. I was really puzzled.

Of course though, I'd just finished reading Julia Cameron's memoir (read my review here). I think that I am just learning so much, and that all of this is so new to me, that when I encounter something that rubs me the wrong way, I just assume it's me. Say, for example, the chapter on support. Julia Cameron does have oodles and oodles of friends---maybe even hundreds of friends---who have gone out of their way her entire life to support her in big, big ways. Even her ex-husbands support her profoundly. I just look at myself---the introvert---and feel somewhat inadequate. I'm not great at maintaining my friendships and have the energy to maintain only a very few at that. I'd love to be like her, but I'm just not. And my ex's didn't support me in the marriage, and so now...well...let's just say that I don't have their support. So anyway, I just admired her and was reminded of the importance of my friendships...and wished that I was better at maintaining them and able to have even more.

The only place I really saw negativity was in her memoir. At first, whenever she'd move somewhere, she'd be enamoured almost beyond belief. All of her problems would be solved AND she'd be able to write as well in this new place. After six months, at most, she would have soured on her new residence, and "need" to uproot herself and her family to go to a new, more desirable place---all for her arts sake. But she did it! And was successful at creating for years and years and for that I really admire her.

I figure I can learn so much from her, and will continue to---her books are rich for me; however, I will now read "Finding Water" with a more discerning eye, and I am interested in what you all think.