Sacred Life Sunday: Hidden Writing in Wreck This Journal

I just noticed that there have been 600 posts at the happyluau. That seems like quite a few, but my first post was 2 1/2 years ago...

Everything I post here is written with you, my readers, in mind. Everything I write in my journal is written for myself, but always with the thought in the back of my mind that someone someday could find it. Since starting Wreck This Journal, I've discovered something fascinating---that there is so much more I want to write, and I can write it on WTJ pages that are hidden from everyone. Like this:

I have been very quiet in the WTJ group lately, not posting in a few weeks, mainly because these pages with hidden writing are not very exciting on the surface, especially when compared to the many creative things all of you are doing. My very favorite post so far was Suzie's baking her journal in a cake! Compared to amazing things like this, a compulsion to write all over the printed pages in WTJ with hidden writing didn't seem that special or blogworthy. Then I listened to Jamie's video about comparisons and being comfortable with where we were in our process. I realized that this writing is significant to me, so that it's exactly what I should be doing right now.

Thus I'm continuing to write, write, write many things on those pages. No one can go back and read them, even me. It's very freeing, and what is coming out is surprising. I censor myself far too much in my journal; I do think that this process is helping me to be freer in what I write. And to admit things to myself that I have been resisting and holding back about.

I'm writing this on Sacred Sunday because I think that everyone can benefit from writing in this way. If you don't have a WTJ, just write on some newpaper or discarded artwork or in a book or anything really...something that noone will be able to read. And I think that like me, you may be surprised at what comes out.

Sacred Sunday is for me a day of rest and contemplation, and a perfect time to do this sort of writing. I hope that you may find it so as well.

Sacred Sunday: Right Work

Today I wanted to share my news with you. As many of you may have already guessed, it's related to my job.

I've previously written about the difficulties I had working in an office setting here, and a bit here as well. A few more things happened at the office. One was that I was doing selling, which I dislike. When I finally would have an actual patient to work with, I would try to convince her to buy my products. This involved a lot of persuasion and overcoming objections and such.

I can do this, but I do not enjoy it.

I can talk people into things, even things that are very good for them (in my opinion), but it seems to me to be a backwards way of doing relationship marketing. I wrote about developing relationships with the patients, and allowing the business activities to follow where indicated, but in that office setting only just so much of that could take place. Lately I'd been doing groups of about five women at a time, and with that many people, relationships take a bit longer to form. I was just doing a lot of selling.

The nature of my business is so very different. The products I promote are for people who value their health, and who are interested in aging in a certain way---consciously, as healthfully as possible, using as many natural ways as possible. If you're not there---if you're not interested in your health, if you don't particularly care how you age, and you don't want to invest any money in your health---then you're not a candidate for these products, really. If you want the allopathic medical system and health insurance to be your sole method of taking care of yourself, then good for you---but you won't want to buy my products. And that's fine with me! Not everyone is interested in health and nutrition. Many people want to let their physicians prescribe drugs for their chronic health conditions, which they see as inevitable and which they feel powerless to affect. I would rather accept these belief systems, which are very strong, and look for people who are already wellness-oriented and who are looking for solutions. I don't want to change people's belief systems or interfere with their readiness for anything on the particular path that they are on.

This makes traditional selling problematic. It violates some of my basic values, which are just accepting people where they are, and what they want for their lives. Rather than sell, I'd like to simply sort. Find the folks who are looking for what I have. No arm twisting involved. No making them wrong for not being into wellness right now. No telling them what they need. It just feels right to me.




So, bit by bit, I backed out of the job I had. This past week I only went in for group patient visits, and then decided even just that wasn't working for me. I was also making pitiful money, not even enough to cover my costs. I felt as though I was letting my physician friend down, but I knew it was the right thing for me to do. So I quit on Friday.

I love relationship marketing and I really love my products, but I want to be working in a way that is congruent with my values. I also want to balance my work with writing, art, friendships, and other self-care activities---these things make me feel whole---and picking just work alone while excluding the rest made me feel like someone I didn't know. Prioritizing these values and insisting on honoring them was a "Be Brave" type activity for me because I knew that backing out of this opportunity would be hard on various levels. I could be tempted (and was at first) to view it as "failure". Instead I choose to view it as success, because I learned so much about what integrity is for me in this context, and how to stand up for it. Some people did not understand, and I think never will, but that's okay with me.

So that's why I registered for Suzi Blu's class, too, and Wreck This Journal. And that's why I kept up on reading your blogs and blogging here. Even though I wore myself out. I couldn't, just couldn't---COULDN'T---not do these things. I felt like I was losing myself and becoming a saleswoman I didn't know or want to be. There is nothing at all wrong with being a saleswoman. It's just that I am not her.

So, that's my big news. I feel like I got my life back (and am incredibly grateful for it), and now want to revision what my business will be like in this new context. It is scary good. I have lots of disapproval from some important people in my life. And I feel very happy. Like myself. Like I believe in myself, too.



~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

WTJ Week 2 Reflections

This week I spent some time reading other WTJ blogs and spent some time reflecting on the WTJ journey.

Jamie Ridler describes in a video aspects of Wreck this Journal this week that really resonate with me. She starts out her video biting off a piece of the journal---really! On the surface, it sounds like it's about destruction. It is, but it's also about so much more, things that are much more important. Things totally unrelated to destruction come up as a part of this project, and I love that---I'm not into destruction at all!

Jamie discusses crossing boundaries and where we hold ourselves back in life. What would happen if we do things that aren't expected, things that are outside of the box? In WTJ we are stretched as we play with boundaries, she says.

Lori-Lyn writes about how she deals with perfectionism in even trying to wreck her journal "perfectly" and how her process might have to happen in layers. Sometimes I think we can let go of certain things only in baby steps, building confidence as we go.

Sherri wrote lots about things she did, but what got me thinking was how bleed-throughs are good in WTJ. I thought about how I always try to avoid imperfection (like Lori-Lyn) and feel bad about it afterwards---so unnecessary! Bleed-throughs, weeds, dents and dings in the car, divots in my hardwood floor---why are they SO BAD? It's so all about perspective, isn't it. This was one little part of her post, but it had a big impact on me.

Mel inspired me to make an ink spot---another one of those things to be avoided, but now embraced and enjoyed.

Victoria wrote about self-acceptance for where she is on the project. Boy, did that hit home! I always try to be the best at whatever I do. In this case, it's just so silly. Why do I have to have the best WTJ video? Or the best WTJ journal? Do the most WTJ exercises? Post before anyone else? Get the most comments? I had to laugh at myself. I was inspired by Victoria just to be myself.

There is no "behind"! There is just where we are.

Gemma wants to do the wrecking gently and make it art, which she does beautifully. Here's to wrecking however we want to, and making it our own, our own authentic wrecking.

Susan reminded me that I want to send my journal off, so I'd better do it while it's still sendable. I love her idea of using UTEE too...I may do that myself!

Gracegal wrote about her journal being a companion---that's just how I felt! Moreso than my purse or glasses, because those are fixed objects, not organic, growing things that I create...

This entire process reminds me of the "Be Brave" process we all did with Jessie in the past. So much of what we do in WTJ symbolizes deeper things. At least that's how I'm taking this process! I was inspired by all of your blogs so much...keep on learning, creating, growing, and wrecking!

Here is my favorite WTJ activity for the week (a 14 second video):

WrecK This JournaL BegiNs

The news I promised is hinted in in this video, but it will be a bit longer until I post it, so sorry. In the meantime, enjoy this 3:12 video for the Wreck This Journal launch: