Flying-By-Week and Amazon

This week I skipped over Sacred Sunday and passed by Wellness Wednesday and here it suddenly is Friday and a week since I lasted blogged. I don't know how this happened. Of course, I'm home now and getting back into my regular life. Here are some things I wanted to share with you:

This article from Charles Eisenstein that attempts to summarize his book "The Ascent of Humanity" into a page. (Not possible, but a good effort.) Note that the entire text of this masterpiece is now online for free, with the expectation that you will donate what you find it worth to you. It's an amazing and worthwhile read.

My profile page on Amazon, along with links to the reviews I've written. If you find a review helpful, please vote for it, as it not only helps my rankings, but it helps me to see what people like and don't like. But it really does help my rankings, thanks in advance!

When you go through my Amazon reviews, you'll find out a lot about me. Things like:

If it seems like all I've been doing this week is sitting around eating organic chocolate and drinking tea and reading Hawaiian books...well, that's what I've been doing! Dagoba Chocolate reviews are very important!

If my reviews seem to cover wide-ranging areas of interest, it's because I've been reviewing on Amazon for over ten years, and my tastes have changed as I've changed.

If it seems like I buy everything under the sun via Amazon, it's because I do. Everything. You'll see. Most recently, I've stepped out and reviewed some...err...unusual things to review, even for me.

I wanted to include again, because it's been a while, a link to Amazon's Movers & Shakers. Now, this list is just for books, but on the left-hand column you can see links to Movers & Shakers for many other things. One of my favorites is Kitchen & Dining, a place I often visit when looking for a gift. "Movers & Shakers" mean that something is increasing dramatically in popularity on Amazon in that category, and there's always a reason. In Books it's most often because the author is promoting the book on television. But in the other categories it's usually because there is a price cut. I've gotten tremendous bargains there. So...Explore!

In addition, if you're considering shopping this weekend, try Sierra Trading Post's Barn Burners. They offer screaming deals and video reviews of outdoor products, but other things too, like high quality clothes and shoes and more. Their regular prices are good, but the Barn Burner changes several times a day, most have videos, and you can get some useful things while saving money.

That's about as deep as it gets around here today, folks!

~Photo by LoveHubbie

Miss Porcupine

This video is 7:03 long. I noticed that if I waited for it to upload on the hotel Internet system, which is rather slow, I could play it in its entirety without any stalling. I shamelessly copied the idea from Suzi Blu. I hope you like it! It's my attempt today to be creative for Leah's Creative Every Day 2008 Challenge today. If you're not caught up on my blog, you might want to read the last few blog posts about Breathing in Bellevue so that you understand the references in the video.

Breathing Alone in Bellevue

If you haven't been reading my blog, this is a continuing saga that will make more sense if you read first this, then this, and finally this.

I never did go back to my seminar. I'd decided not to after my Wednesday night experience. Good, you say. I know, I hear you!

But I still had to talk to LoveHubbie and tell him that for right now the money he'd put out for the seminar was potentially lost. I'd bought the hotel room reservation over Priceline so I thought that the unused amount could be lost too. I did not expect him to be supportive but he was very supportive. Then I did all of the housekeeping stuff: withdrawing from the seminar, setting things up to get my money back (since I charged it on my credit card, thank goodness), trying to get the hotel remainder money back, talking to a doctor about my earache (which was still severe), getting my knee taken care of (I fell walking up some stairs too...don't ask) with a knee brace, ducking the cult calls and emails.

I wanted to emotionally recover and adjust. In a way that would help me to learn about resilience---which is, after all, my theme here. Little did I know that I wouldn't just study about it and think about it, but that I'd be challenged to exercise resilience!

What helped me the most was reading your comments, friends! They helped me along the way so much. It was healing to me to respond to each comment and think about it and integrate it into my experience so that I grow from this. My boundaries are obviously needing strengthening; I'd thought that after a strong cult background and a multitude of abusive relationships, I'd be beyond this, but alas! I still have lessons to learn.

I also decided to do something creative, which I will do soon and share with you. It's a surprise! I'm in Leah's Creative Every Day 2008 Challenge, and although I've been quiet about it, I've been getting a lot out of it and decided to really step out here. You'll see :) I want to Be Brave in a sensible, creative, healing way and then share it with you.

In the interests of resilience, I decided to stay and finish my "retreat". Mainly because I couldn't get my money back. But still. I could have gone home, but I've been writing productively on my book, and am treating myself to a hotel retreat. It feels very extravagant, but LoveHubbie is on board with it and supportive...and since the money is spent anyway, it makes sense. I am working four hours a day and enjoying every minute of it. I want to keep this habit up when I go home.

It's fun because there is nothing to do but write or take breaks. I can still exercise and do yoga (albeit with a knee brace)..there are some poses that work. I can still walk (albeit slowly, with that dang knee brace) around downtown Bellevue. Lots of time to think, read, and nothing else to distract me. I just love it. Paradise!

And Kelly's breathing exercise from Eckhart Tolle still haunts me, and is the breathing exercise that after all is said and done most appeals to me...simply noticing my breathing as often as I remember. It's easy, simple, and free. And it works. And it has no creepy cult associated with it, either.

Thank you..everyone...those who commented and those who didn't...but especially those of you who cheered me on here. Know that your support made a huge difference to me.

~Photo from Cute Overload

Not Breathing In Bellevue

If you're not caught up on my blog, this will make more sense if you read this and then this first.

Well, here in my second day of the Art of Living Foundation's First Course, I cut out. Just took off. They'd been blaring the loudspeakers and I had a horrendous earache (a congenital ear problem renders me unable to tolerate sustained loud noise in an enclosed space), so I tried explaining to them, but I'm not certain they understood fully; they insisted I remain, but didn't turn down the loudspeakers to any noticeable degree.

The leaders were adamant that I stay. So I started out on one of the breathing processes, which they insist is the most important one, and my ear was throbbing wildly. We embarked upon a type of controlled hyperventilation at an escalating pace until I couldn't keep up. Something came over me, and I didn't think at all. I just got up, packed up my yoga mat and walked out.

I think I wanted to escape.

I feel like I'm free.

We were admonished not to open our eyes no matter what happened, no matter if we heard crying or screaming or laughter. No matter if it was our buddy (we each have an assigned buddy for the course duration) or someone we came with..."No matter what happened" was emphasized again and again. No matter how scared we got. Our eyes were to remain closed. Closed. And if we felt numb or started to shake or began to have odd things happen to our bodies WE WERE NOT TO OPEN OUR EYES!

Oh yeah, one more thing. About 10 of us 160 people didn't do their homework. I was one of them. It was more breathing exercises in our hotel rooms or homes. I didn't do it because the only way I could stand knowing I was going tonight is forgetting about breathing for a while. Plus it's my tough luck if I don't get everything I could out of this, and I'm willing to accept that responsibility. Sure, I could have lied, and possibly some people did (who would know if you did your breathing exercises or not, after all?) but that's not me.

So the high-level highly respected teacher told us that if anyone didn't do their homework tonight and tomorrow, our buddies would be punished. Really. He really said that! I checked with my buddy to make sure I understood (I only get about a quarter of what's said there because of the accents).

That stuff triggered my cult past too much. Been there, done that. Before the exercise I was willing to submit to their wishes and give it a try even with a throbbing ear. It was important, they said. Life-changing. The most important evening of the course. And I'd paid good money to learn the breathing techniques. And God knows, I want to overcome my problems with depression. But after I fell behind in the controlled hyperventilation I'd felt I'd done my duty. I felt totally compelled to leave. It was kind of a compulsive fleeing thing.

It was the eyes shut instruction that enabled me to leave without anyone trying to stop me. Their eyes were all closed. But I kind of felt like if they had seen me they might have tried even harder to stop me, you know? Probably it's just my cult background talking, and they are most likely just nice people who want me to have this wonderful transformational experience of the Art of Living.

But I'm still glad I left. I'm the type of girl who always follows the rules, but in this case I am so relieved. I feel blessed and grateful tonight.

And free.


~Photo by Spluch via Cute Overload

Breathing in Bellevue First Night (and Wellness Wednesday)

Well, I made it through the first night of the Art of Living First Course (Breathing Seminar). I wrote more about it yesterday, but that was before I really knew what it was.

I made it throught the first night. It was a true learning experience for me. This has to be the most challenging adn trying thing of this type I've ever done.

First of all, the group of participants consisted mainlyof men. Young Indian (as in from India) men. About 70%. Some Indian women and a few Causcasians, but mostly men. Boy what a great experience in seeing how people from other countries have to deal with life here in the US every day. It's one thing to know about it and another thing to actually go through it. Most of the lecture was done in English, but peppered with words of another language, which could have been Indian or Sanskrit, which might be the same thing. Sadly, I am totally ignorant of this culture. I didn't understand much at all, because the speaker had a thick accent.

The main speaker was a highly revered teacher from India, a very holy and respected man. He seemed to be entertaining and funny; unfortunately I didn't get the jokes. I memorized some key phrases that were important in the context of the seminar but let the rest blow right by me. I am proud and overjoyed just to have finished last night. There were some bonding exercises and crowd-pumping-up type things that you find in churches and cult groups and pep rallies. Mostly, though we were breathing, breathing, breathing. All different ways. Every way I've heard of breathing and more. 8 in, hold for 2, six out, hold for 4. In out. Hands level. Hands on your back. Hands on your belly. Count and hold. Again. Again. Again. This went on for over three hours. No breaks.

We were told we couldn't do a bunch of things. Like eat meat, drink coffee or tea, drink alcohol, sleep no more than 6-7 hours, go to the bathroom without a buddy, etc. (There are more!) I used to be a "follow the directions" type girl, and now I just take care of myself and take dictates like this with a grain of salt. You know, I'll do the ones that are generally healthy but if something doesn't serve my health I'm not going to stress about it. Like stopping all caffeine cold turkey, sleep deprivation (which for me is less than 8 hours), or going to the bathroom when I need to---whether or not my delightful young Indian buddy Venky is available to accompany me. It will be interesting to see how that works...a bathroom buddy.

I respect "holiness" in a teacher from any discipline, but I am a big fan of personal autonomy, and subjugating things I need for a group is hard enough for me to do just on this very limited basis. Like going and sitting on the floor in a room for certain hours in order to get a certain result. Especially when they start really late (as in beyond the agreed upon times) and end really, really late at night (again, an hour late). That's hard enough. And when they exert social pressure to get compliance. I just hate that (because of my cult background). Maybe I'm more "American" than I thought, but there it is.

So I got "permission" to wear a pair of "house shoes" instead of going barefoot, because of my foot issues. And I'm wearing earplugs because of a congenital ear problem I have that doesn't respond well to loud microphones in small spaces or people close to me shouting. And I am sitting against a wall (not on my knees and haunches, as required) since I have knee issues. Sounds like fun, eh? I'll be you wish you were here.

Seriously, even though it's definitely not fun, I am wanting to learn about breathing, and that's something I'm sure I'll be able to do. And I'm taking care of myself, which is the "Wellness Wednesday" part.

Today I'm looking forward to the rest of the day, during which I'll write and read and walk and work. And to tonight, when perhaps my attitude will change. If not, at least I have shoes, earplus, the wall, and the ability to think for myself. Hey, I didn't always have all of those things, and I'm grateful.

~Picture by Cute Overload

Breathing in Bellvue

Well, I'm now in Bellevue Washington, home of Microsoft, staying at a hotel and taking a special breathing/yoga seminar here tonight and for the rest of the week. It's only evenings, and then all day on the weekends. I'm working on my book as well, plus re-invigorating my yoga practice. And learning Microsoft Vista...and how to use a laptop. Lots of learning. But it's peaceful and I'm sure I'll get a lot done.

I wanted to take a personal theme for this seminar---Resilience. I hope to be thinking about this and posting about this topic while I'm here. I haven't been resilient...and want to explore becoming so.

Webster's defines "resilient" as:
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

I'm hoping to do all three. Not necessarily over the next six days, of course, but I hope to get a great start.

Yoga is great for depression. So is breathing. The course is with the Art of Living Foundation, which I knew nothing about, but read about them in this book and then again several weeks ago in this book. I'm a wee bit nervous, but quite excited to take a healing step in my personal growth. So by focusing on learning these new skills, I hope to increase my resilience.

I had this trip planned before my May Day crash. Good thing!

Here's a peek at my surroundings. It's 2:24 long. It's been a long time since I've done a video!

Sacred Life Sunday: Mothers' Day

Mother's Day is normally quite a tough day for me. My biological mother is deceased, but I have very few good memories of her. I'm thinking that there must have been some---there have to have been some---but I just don't remember them now, unfortunately. It's been over 27 years since she died, and the painful memories seem to be all that is left, which is sad, I think. She never wanted to be a mother, never wanted to have me...she felt that I kept her from her dream of being a teacher. She didn't believe in abortion, and in those days (over 50 years ago), you'd have to drop out of college if you became pregnant. Then in subsequent years, she was left alone as my father served in Vietnam multiple times and on other overseas trips as well. She was in such pain that she hit and verbally abused all of us three children for years and years. She never found or made new dreams for herself. I cannot imagine the frustration and misery that she lived with day in and day out that would cause her to act in this way. She always wanted to die more than anything else, and tried to take her own life before she...at last...died right before her 45th birthday of leukemia.

My stepchildren do not acknowledge me as a mother...or sometimes, I think, even as a person or a human being. I think that stepmothers should have a special day to honor them for loving and raising children who are not theirs and often who do not love or respect them. It takes a special grace to be a stepmom and to put your stepchildren's needs in the forefront...especially when you don't have that parental bond of love that naturally takes place between mother and child. So here's to all stepmothers, today!!

I have been incredibly blessed with a special "hanai" (Hawaiian for "adopted") mother, Rose Marie.

She has mothered me for years, and is visiting me this August for my birthday. I haven't seen her in seven years, and I am SO excited.

In addition, I have a lovely mother-in-law, Betty, who is now a widow, and who is sweet and kind and loving.I also know many wonderful mothers of my generation and younger too, who inspire me and show me how to love.

I think that if we look we can always find strong and loving women from whom we can learn and from whom we can receive love. I think that we can also learn to mother ourselves and to give ourselves what we were not given as children.

In writing my present book, the one about Moku`ula (in Hawaii...the archaeological site), my co-writer, Akoni suggested that I investigate my heritage and genealogy. One's heritage and one's ancestors are very important to native Hawaiian people. At first I was...repelled...I pondered this for a time, wondering how I could possibly be interested in doing this. I've spent years trying to put the pain and legacy of my upbringing and my wounded and dysfunctional heritage behind me.

Someone wise then said to me that our parents and grandparents can sometimes be our most powerful teachers in showing us what we do not want, what to avoid. This softened my grief and helped me to look with an open heart at what the people who came before me might have lived to teach me, to pass on. To look at what they might have said could they have articulated their pain, too. It was a healing process...so...

I want to keep my heart open this Mother's Day. LoveHubbie and I are planning to celebrate, going to Seattle and to my now favorite restaurant---Impromptu! LoveHubbie bought me a gorgeous vase of roses and lilies today. I got myself a little necklace that says "mom" on it, with a dove and a little crystal. It's the first thing I've ever had that says "mom" on it.

We are here to learn (I believe) and I have certainly learned a lot from my biological mother Geraldine, my hanai mother Rose Marie, and my mother-in-law Betty. I continue to learn from the peer-mothers I know, too.

Mothering is so complex. Love. Pain. But underneath, if we look for it...is blessing.

Blessings and love to all mothers today.

A Thought

"No one on their deathbed ever wished they had spent more time on the computer."---Katie Goodman

Sacred Life Sunday: Balance

Today as I read Rick's post on balance, it really made me think about this topic. So I'm going to blog about the same topic for this (past) Sacred Sunday. I really like Rick's comparing finding our balance with aspects of riding a unicycle. It also made me think about the Libby Sauter video I posted on Friday. Balance. Making small and large adjustments as we go, always trying to "stay up" and "not fall". And then, when we do fall, getting up and starting all over again.

I have been trying to find my balance lately, and recently had a great fall this past Thursday, kind of like Libby (and of course, Humpty Dumpty). I'd thought I was doing all right, because I was moving forward, but in reality, I was wobbling a lot and didn't realize it until I fell. I always try to be positive and keep moving ahead, but in the end, I think this fall was good for me.

Nothing too awfully terrible happened, as it did to Humpty Dumpty. I put myself back together again pretty well. But I'd ended up having what was diagnosed as an episode of "intense depression and anxiety". Kind of like a ginormous panic attack coupled with a strong physiological depression---the kind where you can't stop crying or get out of bed. The person who did my assessment at the hospital said that I was only about ten weeks out from anti-depressant withdrawal and that my brain has still not yet recovered. So that when I do experience severe stress, my brain is not capable of responding normally...yet.

So she wanted me to return to the antidepressants. The ones that gave me my "40 pound in only 4 months" weight gain this past winter. The ones that took me through several clothing wardrobes from size 12 all the way up to 20W. The ones that changed my life marginally for the better, but ended up taking from me far more than they gave, apparently.

I never had anything like this happen before the antidepressants, not even close. And I never had a true depressive episode back then.

I spent most of Thursday in the local hospital's "elopement risk" ward, the first time I've ever gone through anything even remotely like this. I guess they thought I might run away or try to "escape". I had no idea what was happening to me and was eager for the help, so I wasn't interested in "eloping". I spent eight hours in a room with no door handles, no light switches, no furniture except a bed and a chair and very smooth (but not padded) walls---just being present, breathing, and being with what I was feeling. This was an excellent opportunity for this exercise. It was something that I could do. Patients came and went, most in restraints, caterwauling, cursing, singing, grunting, etc. I was pretty calm (all cried out) after the first four or five hours or so so I guess I was last priority. Which was fine.

I left without any medications or instructions except to take those damn antidepressants. So I did. I have. Until I see a psychiatrist this week and he can prescribe me one that doesn't cause weight gain. I hate taking them, and feel in some ways like I've failed. But in other ways I feel so blessed, because of all of the patients who passed by me in the psych ward. "There but for the grace of God go I. "---this was what I realized.

I am hoping this psychiatrist will be open to working with me with my alternative methods of mood elevation/stabilization/balance. I know that I will find a way through this.

This past weekend LoveHubbie and I blew everything off (the best thing we could have done) and just hung out in Seattle. Saturday we went shopping at Uwajimaya and bought lots of seaweed salad (reminding us of Hawaii) and kimchee and exotic mushrooms and broccolini. We walked around in the rain. Sunday we drove up again and went to the Washington Park Arboretum . We walked around in the sun. I think that this park is one of the most peaceful I've ever been in on the mainland. Last night we ate a calamari salad at Piatti near the University of Washington. We just had fun and forgot about everything for a while, which was really good for both of us.

I am truly grateful for my energy every day, and for my blessings.

So...I could have gotten by without telling you...and I considered not mentioning this because not everyone who reads this blog is someone I'm close to...but I wanted to tell you just the same. I admire each of you who have shown me your soul and your courage, and as a writer, I want to learn to be as authentic and transparent as you are.

I am learning to find my balance.

Being Brave---Libby Sauter

In honor of Jessie, and me (for private reasons today)...and every woman...watch this and get inspired to Be Brave. I also think that the enlightened male readers of happyluau will enjoy it, too!



It's a video of Libby Sauter, the first woman to walk the Lost Arrow Spire Highline. I saw it yesterday on The Barefoot CEO blog. And I needed it this week. You might too.