My BE BRAVE challenge yesterday and today was a doozy, fully embodying “doing one thing that scares me”. I know that there is “another way” I could take this whole thing, but I don’t yet know what it is. If anyone has a different way of looking at this let me know, please. What I do know is that it will have to do with things like seeing through eyes of love not fear, being present, attracting love, letting go, and more. I am so open to transforming my relationships with those people I fear, which right now is limited to the person below (called DP) and people who are physically attacking me (a limited group that is currently non-existent).
Also please forgive all of the mystery and acronyms. My family and LoveHubbie wanted to be sure that both FM's and DP's privacy were not compromised here.
Let me start by saying that I don’t believe that there is such a thing as an evil person. I think that everyone is doing the best with what they know. However, there are certain people that seem to be, with our human eyes---evil. When they are evil-seeming and very bright at the same time, I consider them a “dangerous person” or DP for short, especially when they wish me ill.
Maybe you’ve known someone personally who is a DP. These people will express their inner pain through verbal, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse and threats.
I know someone like this. To keep everyone’s anonymity and privacy here, we’ll call this person DP. My history with DP is one of various abusive behaviors and me learning to deal with them over the years as I’ve matured. For the recent past, DP has been out of my life as DP has been focused on things other than me. This has been wonderful. However, I realized this week that I am more afraid of DP than of anyone else in the world, because DP has an entry into my life through a family member of mine, called hereafter FM. I love FM deeply. FM loves DP, for reasons that make sense (really, truly) but reasons that I cannot share here.
My approach with people has always been that if they contribute something positive to my life, then I keep the relationship alive. If, however, they are destructive, or disrespectful, or toxic---then I let simply let the relationship go. I spent years of my life with chronic fatigue syndrome, I believe because I refused to take care of myself emotionally. Now I don’t make that mistake. Ever.
So my good sense would have me to have nothing to do with DP. I’d just forget about her/him and move on. But there is FM.
So it’s right before NaNoWriMo. And this past week, FM decides that it is time to bring DP into the picture. A visit.
I should say that DP hates me viciously. We don’t know exactly how DP feels about FM, except that DP has taken great efforts to hurt FM. I won’t get into the drama of all of this; however, much of the drama in my life in the past has been created by FM bringing DP into FM’s life and my life as well, and DP turning and attacking both FM and myself. I love FM and have protected FM for years and years from DP. I have also protected myself from DP. This has taken me growing up and learning to deal with abusive people in empowered and effective ways.
So here, right in the middle of the BE BRAVE challenge, DP appears in my life. Right before NaNoWriMo. The drama could be expected to take place during NaNoWriMo---from now until then. I would again have to take a stand for my safety---emotional and even physical. And to take a stand for FM’s safety.
To protect privacy, I cannot tell you why this is my business, why it is not codependent in my protecting FM, but trust that it is not. I also cannot tell you why FM keeps inviting DP to be involved in their life and why it MUST involve me. These are just facts of the story, and if I could tell you the whole thing it would make sense.
Well, so last week I didn’t know what to do about the DP situation. I felt intense fear when FM told me that the visit would take place. FM asked me how to best do it so that everyone would be well, especially me. I didn’t know, so I simply told FM that I didn’t know and trusted the Universe to bring the answers my way. In the past, I would have simply freaked out, not be able to work, fallen apart, and let the fear run my life. DP. Again. NaNoWriMo. My dream. DP. FM unsafe.
I should also say that FM is frail, in poor health, and has been near death in the past several years. I do not want FM to die, and especially because of something done by DP, either overtly and causative or indirectly.
I know that I do not have control over all of this, but FM respects my opinion and cares for me, so I have tremendous influence.
Trusting the Universe to show me the answer, I went for a couple of short walks. Immediately things were shown to me:
1) I could not support FM or myself being in any physical danger, or in any situation that would be conducive to physical harm.
2) As part of the visit, DP could not stay in my home. In the distant past, DP stayed with me, before I knew better.
Both of decisions on my part disappointed FM greatly. FM was very upset with; FM always thinks that DP has “changed”, that DP is now loving and wishes well to everyone, because DP says so. All evidence of DP’s behavior says that DP is exactly the same, and that in fact the only reason DP wants to “see” FM is to cause direct harm to FM, especially since FM is so vulnerable health-wise.
So I stood my ground, even at the cost of an estrangement with FM.
Then today FM contacted me and told me about an idea to visit with DP that would be relatively safe and would not involve my home or me. Harm could still come to FM but it would be very difficult and others would be there for protection. I would not be involved. It was something I would never have though of---thinking out of the box.
With this solution, totally generated by FM, I can let go of FM, knowing that I am not being negligent or violating my values or sense of prudence. I don’t need to fear DP…somewhere I know that I don’t ever need to fear DP, but I’m not there yet. Still, it showed me that I can stand up for myself against this nasty, toxic person and stay safe. I can protect myself. To some sensible degree, I can protect those I love. I can create some safety for myself in this world that I have seen in the past as so unsafe and unpredictable.
And if something happens to FM, I did what I could, and I can do no more. But my conscience will be at peace.
I am safe. I can stay safe.
I know that bad things still could happen to me unpredictably as they can to anyone, but to know, to see, that I can trust the Universe to help me to create and stand for a sense of safety against DP and other DP’s is moving and exquisitely comforting to me.
~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark