BE BRAVE, otherwise known as "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You", is the title of the month-long project inspired by Jessie. I am participating daily for a month. Today is Day 16.I've just come off from taking a break this weekend, and it felt great. I had a chance to assimilate and process some of the changes at the mid-way mark of the BE BRAVE project. I mostly just lazed around, read "Women Who Run With the Wolves", and spent time with LoveHubbie, who had a cold and was stressed out and exhausted.
The book "Women Who Run With the Wolves", which I just call "Wild Women" or WW, was like water to my thirsty soul. I just drank it in. I only read about 150 pages, but it is a deep and intense book, and slowly wandering through it while reflecting on how it applied to my life made the experience much richer.
On Friday I'd gone to Curves to see if it would meet my needs for exercise, and unfortunately it didn't, so I said no to that as well. Normally I would have joined and forced myself to try to make it work and probably dropped out. In a like manner, I canceled my membership with eDiets (at considerable cost due to their no refund policy and considerable cancellation fee); this too, is something I would have endured despite seeing right away (as soon as I paid my admission fee and could see just what was offered---##&*{)(*#&(&@^#%%#!!) that this was not for me at all. It felt good to feel like I can say no to things that don't meet my needs at the time. This is a lesson that many of you may have mastered, but has caused me considerable distress for almost a half-century and I'm glad to finally feel like I have options. Of course, the distress has always been of my own making, but nevertheless, it still feels great!
On Saturday I had fun being brave and called to cancel our attendance at that party given by our friends. I was scared spitless, but loved that I was doing something brave, honoring myself and my needs. I got their answering machine, which made it waaay easier to cancel, and easier to simply say that I needed time to rest and be alone. But still, I did it!
On Sunday, I stood up for myself in a discussion with LoveHubbie. It ended up making out relationship better, and both LoveHubbie and I are much happier.
I really feel exponential growth due to BE BRAVE, and due to the healing support and acceptance of all of you. I want to thank each one of you who visits, and especially those who leave comments and/or email me, as your feedback has been what has given me the strength and courage to persist in this. There are no words to express my thanks....
Today I was thinking about what it means to receive the good. That is my latest struggle. It probably sounds strange, but when everything is good, I wonder what in the world is going on and wait for the other shoe to drop. I'm definitely not accustomed to things going well. Today I attempted to cope, but found myself for most of the day getting lost in work and other activities and trying to get my mind off of the idea because it feels so uncomfortable.
This is a pattern that has repeated itself over and over again for me. So tomorrow I will try again. I underestimated the strength of my avoidance and resistance. This resistance has stopped me in many areas of my life, and kept me from reaching my full potential; I am my own worst enemy and saboteur!
I will write Part II of this tomorrow, after I get my mind around what exactly is going on.
2 comments:
Receiving the good IS hard sometimes. We have to believe we are deserving and if we've been damaged in some way it can be a difficult thing to do. You are doing some tough self-work, but it feels to me as though you are getting somewhere. Stay with it.
It feels like that to me, too, Patti. Once again I feel like I'm up against a wall, but this time it feels like I could get to the other side. Thank you, Patti, for holding space for this. Love, O
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