Happy Luau

Sunday, October 28, 2007

BE BRAVE: Day 26: Extreme Fear and DP

BE BRAVE, otherwise known as "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You", is the title of the month-long project inspired by Jessie. I am participating daily for a month. Today is Day 26.

My BE BRAVE challenge yesterday and today was a doozy, fully embodying “doing one thing that scares me”. I know that there is “another way” I could take this whole thing, but I don’t yet know what it is. If anyone has a different way of looking at this let me know, please. What I do know is that it will have to do with things like seeing through eyes of love not fear, being present, attracting love, letting go, and more. I am so open to transforming my relationships with those people I fear, which right now is limited to the person below (called DP) and people who are physically attacking me (a limited group that is currently non-existent).

Also please forgive all of the mystery and acronyms. My family and LoveHubbie wanted to be sure that both FM's and DP's privacy were not compromised here.


Let me start by saying that I don’t believe that there is such a thing as an evil person. I think that everyone is doing the best with what they know. However, there are certain people that seem to be, with our human eyes---evil. When they are evil-seeming and very bright at the same time, I consider them a “dangerous person” or DP for short, especially when they wish me ill.

Maybe you’ve known someone personally who is a DP. These people will express their inner pain through verbal, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse and threats.

I know someone like this. To keep everyone’s anonymity and privacy here, we’ll call this person DP. My history with DP is one of various abusive behaviors and me learning to deal with them over the years as I’ve matured. For the recent past, DP has been out of my life as DP has been focused on things other than me. This has been wonderful. However, I realized this week that I am more afraid of DP than of anyone else in the world, because DP has an entry into my life through a family member of mine, called hereafter FM. I love FM deeply. FM loves DP, for reasons that make sense (really, truly) but reasons that I cannot share here.

My approach with people has always been that if they contribute something positive to my life, then I keep the relationship alive. If, however, they are destructive, or disrespectful, or toxic---then I let simply let the relationship go. I spent years of my life with chronic fatigue syndrome, I believe because I refused to take care of myself emotionally. Now I don’t make that mistake. Ever.

So my good sense would have me to have nothing to do with DP. I’d just forget about her/him and move on. But there is FM.




So it’s right before NaNoWriMo. And this past week, FM decides that it is time to bring DP into the picture. A visit.

I should say that DP hates me viciously. We don’t know exactly how DP feels about FM, except that DP has taken great efforts to hurt FM. I won’t get into the drama of all of this; however, much of the drama in my life in the past has been created by FM bringing DP into FM’s life and my life as well, and DP turning and attacking both FM and myself. I love FM and have protected FM for years and years from DP. I have also protected myself from DP. This has taken me growing up and learning to deal with abusive people in empowered and effective ways.

So here, right in the middle of the BE BRAVE challenge, DP appears in my life. Right before NaNoWriMo. The drama could be expected to take place during NaNoWriMo---from now until then. I would again have to take a stand for my safety---emotional and even physical. And to take a stand for FM’s safety.

To protect privacy, I cannot tell you why this is my business, why it is not codependent in my protecting FM, but trust that it is not. I also cannot tell you why FM keeps inviting DP to be involved in their life and why it MUST involve me. These are just facts of the story, and if I could tell you the whole thing it would make sense.

Well, so last week I didn’t know what to do about the DP situation. I felt intense fear when FM told me that the visit would take place. FM asked me how to best do it so that everyone would be well, especially me. I didn’t know, so I simply told FM that I didn’t know and trusted the Universe to bring the answers my way. In the past, I would have simply freaked out, not be able to work, fallen apart, and let the fear run my life. DP. Again. NaNoWriMo. My dream. DP. FM unsafe.

I should also say that FM is frail, in poor health, and has been near death in the past several years. I do not want FM to die, and especially because of something done by DP, either overtly and causative or indirectly.

I know that I do not have control over all of this, but FM respects my opinion and cares for me, so I have tremendous influence.

Trusting the Universe to show me the answer, I went for a couple of short walks. Immediately things were shown to me:

1) I could not support FM or myself being in any physical danger, or in any situation that would be conducive to physical harm.

2) As part of the visit, DP could not stay in my home. In the distant past, DP stayed with me, before I knew better.

Both of decisions on my part disappointed FM greatly. FM was very upset with; FM always thinks that DP has “changed”, that DP is now loving and wishes well to everyone, because DP says so. All evidence of DP’s behavior says that DP is exactly the same, and that in fact the only reason DP wants to “see” FM is to cause direct harm to FM, especially since FM is so vulnerable health-wise.

So I stood my ground, even at the cost of an estrangement with FM.

Then today FM contacted me and told me about an idea to visit with DP that would be relatively safe and would not involve my home or me. Harm could still come to FM but it would be very difficult and others would be there for protection. I would not be involved. It was something I would never have though of---thinking out of the box.

With this solution, totally generated by FM, I can let go of FM, knowing that I am not being negligent or violating my values or sense of prudence. I don’t need to fear DP…somewhere I know that I don’t ever need to fear DP, but I’m not there yet. Still, it showed me that I can stand up for myself against this nasty, toxic person and stay safe. I can protect myself. To some sensible degree, I can protect those I love. I can create some safety for myself in this world that I have seen in the past as so unsafe and unpredictable.

And if something happens to FM, I did what I could, and I can do no more. But my conscience will be at peace.

I am safe. I can stay safe.

I know that bad things still could happen to me unpredictably as they can to anyone, but to know, to see, that I can trust the Universe to help me to create and stand for a sense of safety against DP and other DP’s is moving and exquisitely comforting to me.




~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

17 comments:

Kate Robertson said...

Olivia,
It was a little hard following the story but the gist I got is that you stood up for yourself, you told you friend what you were able to have happen and you stuck to your guns. Wow I am proud of you. You did great.

Kate

Olivia said...

Sorry about that Kate. It was so hard to write without revealing any identifying information because my family and LoveHubbie were very nervous about confidentiality. You're right about your conclusions, though. That's what happened. Thank you for persevering :) Love, O

patti said...

This sounds so toxic, no wonder you have been reeling! This is the second time I've mentioned this book today - I've just finished reading "the Celestine Vision" by James Redfield. I have also read the "Celestine Prophesy" In these books James talks about people having "control dramas" or power/energy struggles. (Have you heard of these books?) We all have these control dramas and after reading about them you will recognise other people's and your own (uncomfortable, but undeniable) and relationships suddenly take on a different perspective. You may also get some benefit out of these books on spirituality. They have helped me a lot, even if they are a little idealistic.

Jessie said...

wow, honey. you amaze me. that is, your ability to see all of this drama with such clarity. obviously you love FM very much. but loving someone doesn't mean that you have to put yourself in a toxic situation. i think you are a brave, loving, and wise woman. kudos to you.

oh, and at the moment i am currently uploading a video (ooh, it takes awhile!) that i made this morning--completely inspired by you. i figure this way we both get to virtually "meet" each other. ;)

lots of love to you. and keep that positive focus. it's going to take you past all the bad stuff. nanowrimo might just be your savior! :)

Leah said...

good for you for sticking up for yourself!! i'm proud of you! xoxo

couragetocreatewriteandlove said...

Protect yourself first always.

Olivia said...

Patti, I ordered The Celestine Prophecy. I have heard much about it, but just never happened to read it, so I will. I suppose this is a control drama. I just don't know how to tell the difference between protection when the danger is real, and control...but I am looking forward to the read and to seeing how it changes my perspective.

You're right it is a very toxic situation. Thank you for your support!

Blessings and love, O

Olivia said...

Can't wait to "meet" you, Jessie! It will be exciting to see the real you instead of the projected you that I've created from your writing.

I've enjoyed getting to know Kate and Lori-Lyn and...ummm...Rick's diagonal pantry!

Thank you for the affirmation in my drama, Jessie. I WISH I could go into more detail. It's like when your dog is ill, you can't make her not there, you can't make her someone else's dog, you can't not love her, and you can't escape the responsibility that you took on by owning her that you have to help her or else let her do what she can on her own. And by nature of being her owner (which you did in fact choose), it is implicitly your responsibility to care for her when ill. It's kind of like that...

I think my savior is love and joy and what brings that to me, and it definitely is writing, researching, creating, exploring. It also is YOU, Jessie, and the rest of my community here, each and every one of you. The ones who comment and the ones who don't, the ones who share their ups and downs via their blogs. Each and every one and all.

Thank you, Jessie! Love to you, O

Olivia said...

Thank you, too, Leah and Carmen.

I do need to keep standing up for myself and protecting myself. It has taken me so many darn years to learn that I had the right and then many more to learn how.

Thank you both for your support,

Love, O

Anonymous said...

Gleaning what I can from the post (I do understand and respect the choice to keep the confidentiality of others in our blogging) - I may be completely off-base, but it sounds as though the DP in question might be struggling with mental illness, which is a challenging situation for any family. Though it oftentimes seems most prudent to just say 'no' to a dangerous someone - sometimes, to make the best of a situation (especially one where the other dangerous person might be triggered to escalate), we have to find the 'yes' - which it sounds like you're doing in finding a safe place to meet. I hope all goes well in your meeting. Keeping you and your family in my prayers, Olivia. ((hugs))

Olivia said...

Thank you, Tinker, and I appreciate your bearing with me! Especially thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

I didn't mention it, but FM does have a diagnosis, and probably DP has one as well. It is perceptive of you to realize this! Your intuition is right on.

Thank you again, with love, O

Anonymous said...

Olivia, I did not have any trouble following the story. It's pretty clear who is who. I once had a psychopath in my immediate family and it was very scary. That is probably one reason I moved to Canada...so I could stop fearing for my safety.

You did the exact right thing..and also by letting go, something amazing happened! FM came up with that idea all on his/her own. What power there was in trusting the Universe.

Anonymous said...

PS love the Chihuly!

Olivia said...

Ah, yes, Kelly, if you've ever dealt with a situation like that then you know what it's all about. I'm so glad.

Yep, that's it---the power of trusting the Universe, and being ok when you simply don't know.

Peace and love, O

Olivia said...

Kelly, You have a good eye for glass!

Annie Z said...

Hi Olivia, I am glad things have sorted themselves and you don't need to interact with DP. I wouldn't want anything to do with this person either. Just the thought of having to be in the presence of someone like that makes me cringe. Just reading your story, I felt myself shutting down to protect myself. I have been there as well so I know where you are coming from.

I find it impossible to stay in a place of love and peace and spirituality when dealing with that kind of energy. And who wants that in their lives. I want to be around people who strengthen my inner goals and allow me to be the free, open, centered person I wish to be.

May you not have to go through any more additional heartache.

Love you,
Annie
xxx

Olivia said...

Thank you, dear sweet Annie. I know you have been there and know how devastating and dangerous it can be to the spirit and soul to be around a DP. Love you back, O