BE BRAVE, otherwise known as "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You", is the title of the month-long project inspired by Jessie. I am participating daily for a month. Today is Day 18.I called this post "TBTYDADITGOOB", which stands for "The Bravest Thing You Do All Day Is To Get Out Of Bed". My day started out with waking up after five hours of sleep by the searing pain of a stubborn morning migraine, which has shared the entire day with me, despite medications. I laid there stunned by the pain. At the same time I experienced a crushing depression---it felt like there was a large, heavy hand on my chest, holding me in bed, while my thoughts whirled with the demands of the day and how much I didn't want to face them, especially accompanied by my migraine "friend".
And then I got up. That was the brave thing I did. It was that kind of day.
While I enjoyed "feeling my feelings" all day yesterday, last night was another matter. I blanked out, watched television and had a huge (albeit healthy) snack, my habitual way of spending late night hours and de-stressing---distracting instead of dealing. I zoned out and didn't even realize it until right before I went to bed a couple of hours later. When I remembered that I'd wanted to stay conscious all day I was pretty frustrated.
I'd anticipated feeling fear and anxiety and didn't want to feel it. However, it might not have been so bad. Other emotions might have been present, or else the fear and anxiety might have been better than unknowingly lapsing into unconsciousness. It might have even been good. I'm not giving up. Tonight, that's my project.
And I want to be gentle with myself, as this is a project that will take a long time to master, not just a day. However, I feel a real need to keep with this, pounding away at breaking through this wall. It just feels important to persevere. I'm afraid if I back off just yet I'll stay backed off for a long time, and I really want to be here now, hacking at the wall with an ax. I want to feel my bad day. I want to be present through my bad day.
My video today is just under two minutes long:
~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark
11 comments:
Glad you tried the childs pose Olivia, I hope it helped a little.
You're right about being in it for the long haul and therefore it will be one step forward, two steps back. My Yoga Teacher would always say to me "stay with it Patti!" He was always right:)
It helped me to relax, which was very good for me. I will stay with it. Thank you, Patti. Love and Peace, O
Gosh, Olivia! My single hope for you is that you come to find the ease that exists inside you.
As long as you envision a wall which requires your ax to hack your way through, the wall will be there.
As soon as you allow the wall to be gone, rather than fighting the wall, it will be gone. It is only there at your beckoning.
Nothing of what I offer precludes your doing what you want as far as feeling your feelings and living the bad days when they come. It only makes recovery from them as easy as it truly can be.
In love, I offer this.
Thank you, Rick. I too believe that there is an ease within me, and I want to find it. I appreciate your words, and think that they are accurate. I'm making this a big scary wall that I'm going at with a heavy ax---and I've got a migraine and fatigue to show for it. This could be easy.
It could be gone, just melt away in an instant. I do tend to make things hard sometimes, don't I?
Thank you, Rick, for what you offered and for how you offered it. I will take your words to heart and see how it changes things.
Namaste, O
Olivia, Peace to you. What Rick says is much like what I watched Eckhart Tolle saying yesterday on You Tube. I think it was the talk on compassion. Once we fully accept something, it can transmute. Yesterday I was frustrated with myself for some less than "present" behavior. Then I watched the video and fully accepted my own one step back as okay. The past melted away and I was able to be present.
But I admit, I have never tried to be present during a migraine.
And also with you, Kelly. It feels right that the wall is a wall that I have constructed which doesn't need to involve intense struggle to dismantle. The ease, the full acceptance, and the gentleness...appeals to me very much. I am tired. I want to feel and allow this transmutation. I am so ready.
I don't think I'm up to being present during a migraine---that's for college and I'm only in first grade :)
I forgot to thank you, Kelly for visiting and to wish you a blessed day.
Forgive me, my migraine friend is back today to visit...
Love, O
Just wanted to share my three favorite words today: "Easy does it." Hope you feel better. Love to you.
Oh, yes, Carla, I need to remember this. "Easy does it", indeed. These are words of a different language to me, but one that I can nevertheless embrace. Love, O
My Goodness Olivia - you are an amazing woman! Your bravery is so inspiring. And one of your biggest braveries is putting out into the internet world such raw emotion through your videos. I hope you are acknowledging that amazing bit of bravery you are doing every day! As I watch your videos, I find myself feeling all your emotions with you and wishing I could be there for you in the real world. You are making such amazing progress. And the simple acknowledgement of all these things is incredible progress in itself.
Love you,
Annie
xxx
Thank you, Annie. I do feel like you're there for me in the real world. This is as real as it gets for me :) Merci beaucoup, Much love, O
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