BE BRAVE, otherwise known as "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You", is the title of the month-long project inspired by Jessie. I am participating daily for a month. Today is Day 18.
I called this post "TBTYDADITGOOB", which stands for "The Bravest Thing You Do All Day Is To Get Out Of Bed". My day started out with waking up after five hours of sleep by the searing pain of a stubborn morning migraine, which has shared the entire day with me, despite medications. I laid there stunned by the pain. At the same time I experienced a crushing depression---it felt like there was a large, heavy hand on my chest, holding me in bed, while my thoughts whirled with the demands of the day and how much I didn't want to face them, especially accompanied by my migraine "friend".
And then I got up. That was the brave thing I did. It was that kind of day.
While I enjoyed "feeling my feelings" all day yesterday, last night was another matter. I blanked out, watched television and had a huge (albeit healthy) snack, my habitual way of spending late night hours and de-stressing---distracting instead of dealing. I zoned out and didn't even realize it until right before I went to bed a couple of hours later. When I remembered that I'd wanted to stay conscious all day I was pretty frustrated.
I'd anticipated feeling fear and anxiety and didn't want to feel it. However, it might not have been so bad. Other emotions might have been present, or else the fear and anxiety might have been better than unknowingly lapsing into unconsciousness. It might have even been good. I'm not giving up. Tonight, that's my project.
And I want to be gentle with myself, as this is a project that will take a long time to master, not just a day. However, I feel a real need to keep with this, pounding away at breaking through this wall. It just feels important to persevere. I'm afraid if I back off just yet I'll stay backed off for a long time, and I really want to be here now, hacking at the wall with an ax. I want to feel my bad day. I want to be present through my bad day.
My video today is just under two minutes long:
~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark