BE BRAVE: Day 17: Receiving the Good ---Part II

BE BRAVE, otherwise known as "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You", is the title of the month-long project inspired by Jessie. I am participating daily for a month. Today is Day 17.

Today I wanted to try to wrap my mind around the resistance I create to receiving good in my life.

I see this resistance when I begin to lose weight. I am thrilled and at the same time afraid, and for some reason totally unknown to me, I then feel compelled to eat more and more. In compensating in this way, I have avoided something, and I have no idea what it is. I don’t understand it either. I know that I want to lose weight, and a part of me is scared.

I really think that this part is scared of the good. I am quite familiar with and comfortable with struggle and striving and failure and frustration. Yep-per! But with ease, and allowing and embracing and success and smoothness I…have problems trusting this. It could all go away---it will go away---so I’d better not trust it or I’ll be disappointed again and again and again. There. That’s it.

Good things don’t happen to me. I don’t deserve them. Things that are real don’t come this easily. So if something that comes to me is good, I need to look, wait, protect myself hyper-vigilantly…because sooner or later it will fall apart, show its true colors, disappear, turn, abandon me, fall through, not be what I thought it was.

This is the wall that I want to pull down.

I have a lot of intense fear around losing weight, and around feeling my feelings instead of numbing them with food or alcohol. In "Women Who Run With the Wolves", which I just call "Wild Women" or WW, Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls these dysfunctional coping tools “soul stealing overindulgences”.

To address the fear of losing weight, I want to sit with the fear, and also attempt visualizing myself as healthy, energetic, light. I will deal then with what comes up. However, in order to do even this, I need to be able to feel my feelings. I’ve wanted to do this for some time but haven’t been able to figure out how. Every time I’ve tried in the past, I freak and turn the television or radio on or eat---anything to divert my attention from the feelings.

It doesn’t need to be a “bad” feeling either. I feel uncomfortable with “good” feelings like love, happiness, excitement, gratitude, etc. also.

Yesterday I wanted to try to feel my feelings and “got busy” and forgot about it all day. This is typically what happens. Then I “forget” about it for a long long time.

Well, today I haven’t forgotten about it. I’ve thought about it all day. It has felt good to feel my feelings, but mostly, it’s wildly interesting. Today I experienced frustration, irritation, lots of physical pain, fatigue, muscle soreness, peace, some pleasure (now, as I’m typing on Kaiolohia in a coffee shop), embarrassment, calmness,…Most unusually, I didn’t worry as much or think about much more than the present, because I have been so busy focusing on the now.

If I keep this up I may even be able to do yoga on my own or meditate :)

It feel very tentative though, and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to continue. Still, I want this to go on and on and on.

I haven’t experienced fear or anxiety yet. This usually happens at night. Pretty much every night. Which is one reason I have a hard time going to bed. When I feel so tied up with anxiety it is hard to lie down in bed in a dark silent room because my ego has a party, shifting into high gear and trying to work out all of the problems of the day. However, that’s been when I haven’t been feeling feelings throughout the day, but have been avoiding myself…who knows what will happen tonight?

Isn’t it funny that the bravest thing I’ll do so far has to do with facing myself?

~Pictures by LoveHubbie Mark, alteration by Me