Friday, July 11, 2008

BE BRAVE: Day 6: Nothing At All



Today was a day I struggled to get through. I am trying to adjust my sleep patterns to go to bed at a reasonable time and get up early. So today I got up early, dragged myself until mid-afternoon, and then gave in and napped for a couple of hours. Still dragging now. Still feeling like I'm moving through mud instead of air.

I wondered what I would do to be brave.

I have a list of challenges that I want to accomplish during this period, but today I didn't feel like I could tackle any of them. LoveHubbie suggested that "getting out of bed this morning" would work, since for me that felt like a challenge today. However, I wouldn't quite say that it involved bravery.

So I ended up actually doing nothing in particular that was brave today.

Maybe just persevering, not giving up. That seems to fit for today, small as it is. And not beating myself up for not having anything to show for the day. Despite my temptations to do so.



At fifty, it feels like I want every day to count. I want every day to matter in a big way. But most of my days are ordinary and some are totally unmemorable. Still, I am grateful for the day, to be alive, and to have another chance tomorrow.

~Photos of beautiful Hawaiian girls from the book "Then There Were None" by Martha Noyes

18 comments:

thailandchani said...

(sigh) I wish I was closer. I would absolutely love to have a table talk with you - over tea. I see some thinking here that must be making you really unhappy.. and I hate to see you unhappy.

It's just.. trying to type it out in a comment forum is too long.

My main response, I guess, would be *relax*. You are not a survival machine. You are not designed to produce. You are designed to *be*.

Kim Mailhot said...

You were brave when you chose to share your vulnerability with the world through this post. You are brave in your intention. Some people never examine how they can be better, that is an "ordinary" life, not yours.
Maybe if you look to the moments, rather than whole days, you will see how each one of them counts...
Thank you for sharing your journey.. I can so relate ...
Blessings,
Kim

kikipotamus said...

For those of us who have been programmed to believe our value is in what we do, it can be quite an act of bravery to claim some rest time for ourselves... time to adjust to a new sleep schedule... time to adjust to a new way of eating....

It can be brave to say, "I'm taking a nap now" with no apologies to yourself or your loved ones or the world.

Learning good self care can be the scariest sh1t on the planet if you ask me.

Olivia said...

Chani, thank you! I would love to talk with you over tea, too. I'm sure I could spend a whole evening or day even, doing that. Thank you for your encouragement.

I so want to learn to relax. I think that my day could have been different if I could accept just being sometimes...

Thank you again for your words, your friendship, and your caring,

O
xxoo

Olivia said...

Kim, Wow, thank you, you know I never thought of it that way. It is braver to be honest and vulnerable instead of to try to "look good". Welcome back to the happyluau, Kim, and thank you again, Blessings,
O

Olivia said...

Kelly,

It is indeed, isn't it.

It's funny that self-care and relaxing should be such tough skills. I find myself wanting to blame someone or something, like parents or culture, or whatever.

It does take time to process all the changes and the brave acts and just to catch up, I think.

Thanks, Kelly, always,

Love,

O

thailandchani said...

In reading your comments here, it occurs to me I'm not ready to stop "blaming". Not in a finger-pointing, shame-shame way.. but in a way that says "I see all the damage the culture is doing to perfectly good people who should be able to enjoy their lives and probably would if only..."

Maybe I'm not evolved enough yet.. but since I've always been separate from that (the bug never bit me), I still feel the need to identify the source of the unhappiness.

Perhaps one day I'll be beyond that... but, alas, not yet. :)

~*

Olivia said...

Chani,

I think there's a fine line between blaming and accountability...I'm not sure where that is, and I guess each of us have to look and examine to see where we are; seems like you've done just that!

Peace,

O

Claire said...

i haven't dropped in for a while, but i think of you often... you are being very brave to blog through your vulnerability... i'm not brave enough to do it - i retreat till i feel stronger, then i post... big hugs xxx

Rick Hamrick said...

You touched upon one vital point, Olivia, and I want to shine a light on it: You said, "...most of my days are ordinary and some are totally unmemorable."

Quick question: how do you intend to get from today to the next day which is magical, full of excitement and the thrill of being brave as you experience another of your list of things to be brave about? You need a bridge. That bridge is called, "mundane, normal days, where nothing of any consequence happened." It's a long name for a bridge, but it's a pretty clear name!

It is exactly the time you talk about savoring now--the time between your execution of a Be Brave task! It is the time to integrate, let your inner self learn to adjust to the most-recent changes you have undergone, even a time to nap during the day to give you subconscious mind even more time to do its job in preparing you for your next big step.

Despite the moments it may seem otherwise, it feels to me like you are doing fine, O.

Olivia said...

Claire, Hello, hello, good to see you! Well, it is really, really hard to post when I'm down...I'm mostly just scared to death that I'm going to lose my closeness with people. I do have concerns that I'm going to bring people down. So far at least, though, that doesn't seem to be the case. Wonderful to see you, Love, O xxoo

Olivia said...

Rick,
Thank you for reframing this and for giving me a way to truly feel as though I AM doing fine...I appreciate you, your friendship, and support! Love, O xxoo

mermaid musings said...

loving your honesty...

mermaid musings said...

loving your honesty...

mermaid musings said...

loving your honesty...

Jessie said...

for you i think that "doing nothing" truly is an act of bravery. you commit yourself so fully to the things you do. i respect that about you. but sometimes i think we just need to give ourselves a little break. it probably falls into the "letting go" category. i'm glad you gave yourself a day off. and just remember that it's ok if you want or need to do it again in the future. you are a be brave rock star and even rock stars need to take a breather, lest they burn out. :)-

love you!
j.

Olivia said...

Thanks, Carmen. It helps so much to have a place and people who care to share it with and people who appreciate honesty, that's for sure. Joy, O

Olivia said...

Jessie,

Yes, and I'm thinking my pace is going to be very slow in this season two, but it will be better and fit my circumstances better. What I pick AFTER integration and rest and continued depression recovery is more apropos than what I'd pick if I felt pressured and pushing!.

xxoo, O