Wednesday, July 9, 2008

BE BRAVE: Day 4: Crash But No Burn

Predictably, or at least it should be by now, after three very exciting days, today I crashed. No energy, very low mood, pushing-pushing-pushing through the day. I have to remind myself that I am recovering from depression...I get so intense and excited and then...this happens. I've always been this way, though, even when I was much younger and healthy. You would think I would learn.

However, after dragging and whipping myself through most of the day and pumping loads of caffeine just to do that, I decided to be patient and supportive of myself (synchronicity has this as Rick's post today as well).

I canceled all of my activities for tomorrow. Although they were pleasurable and healthy, I know myself and can tell when I need a day alone. Resting. Reading. At home. Totally alone. I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Desperate for quiet time and alone time and almost unable to process things or even respond to life the way I want to.

Then I looked at what I was doing and realized that my eating the last three days has been on the fly and not up to my usual standards. Nothing awfully bad, but apparently I'm exquisitely sensitive to minor dietary variations (like forgetting my fish oil and eating lower-quality foods out). I thought I'd forgo my usual "gotta be organic" stance and "clean meats only" compulsion, mainly to enjoy some meals out with LoveHubbie at LoveHubbie-friendly haunts---and now I just feel very "off". It could be too that in my current state, I'm sensitive to little fluctuations, but that when I become healthy, I will be dietarily more robust.

So, for my BE BRAVE action today, I'm cleaning up my diet to be more supportive for the remainder of the program. I'm going back to my old higher standards in quality, as well as eating no processed carbs at all and no unprocessed carbs at night either (like rice or quinoa or anything like that). I figure I can handle that for a month or so, maybe longer; I know my body, and I'm sure I'll feel great. It's Wellness Wednesday, too, so this is perfect.

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, altered by Me


CrystalChick said...

I admire your bravery! And knowing that you need a day alone to read and relax. So many people never take that time for themselves.
I've had a bad time with eating for some time now. I know I have to make changes but am struggling. I lost alot of weight years ago cutting out alot of breads, pastas, and did have more energy. It was a medical diet and when I was able to go back to normal eating I started with those foods again with a vengeance. Gained everything plus extra back and feel lousy now.
So I'm in that pathetic stage of complaining about it and not actually doing anything.
You and others are inspirations and hopefully the light will go on sometime soon and I'll move back towards better health and happiness.

Best wishes. M

Anonymous said...

oh olivia,

i'm sorry that today was rough for you, but i have to say that i respect -- SO MUCH -- how conscious you are of your daily choices. i really am learning a lot from your willingness to share your journey with us. thank you.

thailandchani said...

Sometimes bravery is knowing what things work best for you and being willing to step out of old paradigms. It's really clear that the goal-directed, go-go-go stuff doesn't make you feel good, doesn't feed your soul. I'm glad you recognize that and are willing to take a "peace day" - be alone, read, write, do the things that restore you.

Corporate methods don't work for most of us who are more sensitive.

Just a thought. :)

Jessie said...

a healthier diet--that is one thing that is DEFINITELY on my Be Brave list. i'm scared it will make me uncomfortable to cut out my favorite (non-healthy) foods. but then if i were to get real with myself it would become glaringly obvious that i am uncomfortable BECAUSE of those non-healthy foods.

take good care of yourself, dear girl.

lots of love,

email coming soon.

Angela said...

Your day spent being with yourself may be at least as helpful as the diet change. Good for you for both healthy, loving actions.

Olivia said...

Mary, thanks for your encouraging words. You'll do it when you're ready. It's frustrating to try to MAKE yourself do something and not to feel like you're CHOOSING.

It sounds like the light is already coming on!

Blessings, O

Olivia said...

Thank you, Ruby. It would be impossible for me to do this without the support and accountability I find here. Peace and joy, O

Olivia said...

Ah, yes, Chani, but I keep forgetting, and go-go-go anyway. Can't wait till I learn this lesson!!

Thank you for your reflections, Chani, yes! Happiness and love, O

Olivia said...

Thanks, Jessie. It's okay to go gradually. I know that I am SO READY for this that it's not funny. I'll look forward to hearing from you. Blessings and love, O

Olivia said...

Angela, You are so right. I lose perspective in the fray. It's so good to recoup. My body is responding well. And it says "More, more!" More rest, more time alone, more healthy food...
Joy and kindness and love, O

kikipotamus said...

Olivia, I'm so glad you tuned into your body and needs. I have found myself gravitating back toward almost no meat and also decided to go off all caffeine (even chocolate) for the beginning of EMP+.
As for alone time, one day of each weekend is mine. Right now I'm at the public library and it is so quiet. The rain has kept people away, so I'm in a nook at the back with no noise. Wonderful.
It's HARD to assert this need every single weekend when I know my sweetie wishes this would be our together time. But I'll be with him tomorrow, and in a better frame of mind for our togetherness for having taken today for myself.

Olivia said...

You do self-care so well, Kelly. And it sounds like you're doing really, really great with EMP+.

I'm sure it is hard to have your own day...I think that if you and Sylvain had your own house, you could build in a lot more alone time---it would be spread out during the week more---and things could perhaps change then. Right now if Sylvain has an activity, you are still not alone in the house...

Much love,