Friday, July 18, 2008
BE BRAVE Baby Steps
Lately I've been integrating BE BRAVE steps, and continuing to recover from depression. Mostly pushing through in small steps. Before I got on Lexapro (the SSRI medication I was prescribed for depression last year) I had slight depression and was quite introverted. Now, post-Lexapro, and as part of the Lexapro withdrawal, I have severe depression and anxiety and panic, not just introversion, but more of a type of severe social anxiety or almost agoraphobia.
So my BE BRAVE steps have been things like walking down my driveway to get my mail, even though it almost paralyzes me to think of it. Going out and doing errands when I feel open, exposed, and unsafe. Continuing to go through parts of my day while terrified. Nothing that would normally seem like bravery, but are exactly this right now for me, and keep me from succumbing to whatever the chemical processes and/or withdrawals are that are going on right now.
Yesterday I did something a bit unusual, too. In a significant family relationship I spoke a boundary. I say it this way because I didn't "set" a boundary---it was already there, and I just said that it was. I discovered that a person I love has been lying to me over and over again for a long time. The violation for me is not just the lying, but because I suspected it and questioned them repeatedly and then believed them, the violation is also the causing me to doubt myself and to doubt my intuition. So for me to stand up and say that the boundary was there, and to say that I would end the relationship over it, even though it is technically a "permanent" relationship---this felt good. I love this person greatly, but they have been toxic in my life for a long time, and despite my health challenges right now, and despite everything else I have going on, I know like I know my name that I would end everything with them should they do this again. Or anything like this.
So...I've been taking baby steps with the BE BRAVE challenge. Not enough to call a "BE BRAVE" day, but continuing as I'm resting and healing and integrating.
~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark altered by me