Word for the New Year: Presence

I'm a little late posting this year and I've missed Sacred Sundays and Wellness Wednesdays for a while, but I hope to get back on track. I've been working on finishing my book before my jury duty obligation starts next week. I'm not going to finish in time after all, but I've made so much progress. It feels good. My first deadline was the end of 2009, but I'm satisfied that I'm nearing the finish line.

Well, my word for 2010 is Presence. For me this means being present and mindful and experiencing things with my whole self. It means having a year of sobriety from alcohol and really feeling through things. I've experienced a lot of shifting even just in this short time. One is that I enjoy two things much more, poetry and music. I've been drawn to them. Usually it's way too hard for me to slow down enough to read poetry. And music competes with all the noise in my head. So this year I've been reading poetry of all types and listening to instrumental music, especially tango.

Another shift is that I've dropped a bad habit--that of staying in touch with people who have expressed a desire NOT to be in touch with me. As in, following them over the Internet because I "care about them". This rationale works well for people I'm related to or have been close to. Or following their activities and endeavors because I "need to know what they're up to so that I can be informed and prepare myself"--this rationale is good with past so-called enemies. This is a really useless pursuit that keeps these people present in my consciousness. There is no space to move on and introduce healthier relationships. I have let this go. It allows me to be Present in my life.

I've also started meditating via the 28 Day Meditation Challenge, which I found out about from Linnea via Twitter (she is @cafemercury). Several of you have joined me in this. I started out strong, but forgot the last two days. So today I had a long meditation time for me, twenty minutes. Loved it. I was following Kelly's suggestion to take today off after I tweeted about it being Elvis' birthday today. I always remember. I don't know why. I'm not an Elvis fan. It's just one of those things that sticks with me, like Pearl Harbor Day and birthdays of everyone I've ever loved.



So I just decided to go with it. I have been pushing pretty hard and can use a day off.

One thing I should mention about my word. It hasn't been just hunky-dory with me being Present as I go about my life. So. Far. From it. I just get little glimpses from time to time. It's a place to start. And other things.

For example, in letting go of people---both loved and toxic folk--I have a huge amount of anxiety. Huge. An open space. The space in my heart is cracked wide open to receive more as I let go of these people. It does result in anxiety but I expect this to get less and less.

Also, I have times of alternating Presence with Suzie's word: Escape. Suzie has such hutzpah in choosing a non-shiny word, I think. Right now I still need some Escape as I am transitioning (and maybe I always will). For me this means reading fiction, watching television while I eat, playing Sudoku, getting lost following links in Twitter, dreaming about where we'll retire, and generally healthy things like this. But I do use them--use them--to Escape from being present and to cope with difficult emotions when they become too much to bear. Instead of forcing myself to always be Present (too overwhelming right off), I am taking baby steps. Escape is very, very helpful.

If I haven't wished you a happy new year yet, I'm wishing you one now. I love your comments. Each one is encouraging to me and helps me to continue on this journey we're on together. xo.

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, all taken in Maui this past fall 2009