It's funny that I'm working in an office supporting wellness, because I'm thinking that working in an office environment might not really support my own wellness.
I'm in an office which is very nice as far as offices go. It doesn't have any windows (unlike my house) so I feel like I'm in a nice walk-in closet. It is also very, very warm. Sauna-warm, which everyone else here likes. LoveHubbie brought in a fan, which helps circulate the air and makes a big difference; I can already tell I'm going to be less drained today than yesterday.
The weather outside is at last delightful, and I'm indoors. Admittedly, my timing has been off for some time.
I keep appealing to the altruistic side of me, the part that really, really wants to help people. I want to make a difference! I also keep appealing to the my ambitious side, the part that wants to build a business. I also keep telling myself that I need to stick with this for a while and see if I can earn some money, that it takes time. And I really don't want to let anyone down. Despite the appeals, I still am not having any success in being happy about being inside. About being here.
Ok, so I hate it.
Last night I had nightmares about being arrested by the US Government and dunked naked into a cesspool of smelly water swimming with large worms that attached themselves to me like leeches. I was going to jail for at least a year and wouldn't be allowed access to any of the things I needed. It was a rather severe jail without any amenities or services (like newspapers or television or medical care). It was really hot there too. I woke up screaming and with a bad migraine.
This was not a good sign.
I could tell it was a sign, too, and that I should listen to it even though I don't want to.
Today I've been reflecting in my closet office. I really want to make a contribution here, but I'm not yet convinced that this is going to work for me. More than anything I miss my "mind freedom"---the many opportunities I had during the day to let my mind roam free, to think about things, to mull things over during mindless but oh-so-calming household tasks. I think that a lot of my days at home were spent in a kind of meditation, wandering around doing things but also absorbing the beauty of nature. I also miss the schedule freedom---the ability to plan out my day and to build in exercise and creative breaks and appointments. I was outside and inside, moving around, walking and exercising. It feels like I've lost so much. LoveHubbie says, "That's what work is."
I disagree with LoveHubbie. I could still build my business while working from home, but do it while making calls as I'm walking on my driveway or sitting on my deck in the garden. Or folding laundry. Doing the dishes. Opening the mail. Dang it, I miss my UPS man even and it's only been two days.
When I'm in this office I feel like a prisoner.
What's the point of me having my own wellness business if it doesn't serve my own personal wellness? I may as well work for a salary instead. At least then I'm exchanging my life energy and creativity and precious time for money (I currently just earn a commission...at least in theory, because I haven't made anything at all yet in the past two days).
I made a commitment so I won't quit, but I may have just talked myself into reducing my hours. Dramatically. We'll see.