Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sacred Life Sunday: Desperate for Joy
This is obviously belated in my attempt to convey some feelings that are very hard to convey in words. I've been doing lots of collage, which helps enormously. Just now on the phone we were wondering where LoveHubbie's new wallet was that I bought him on ebay and he suggested that I may have collaged it :) Writing has been harder though, and I've been at a loss for words.
Sunday was a sacred and wonderful day for me, a culmination of many things, and a huge reward after my recent low point.
I felt as though I was yearning for, desperate for joy, and that joy was on its way, kind of in a slow cooker kind of way. This so-called "desperation" was not a panic, a frantic striving, or a harried feeling, but a yearning, and extending, and a reaching for joy. An allowing and a watching for joy. And a feeling of surprise, too, each time I see little joy-blips. A feeling of wonder. Astonishment.
Things are rearranging themselves in my life in interesting ways. Everything is moving, altering, shifting. What is coming up for me is receiving and joy.
I've been experiencing lots of emotional healing from a growing spirituality that sort of astounds me. I've felt kind of jaded spiritually lately, like I've been everywhere and done everything and that there's nothing more out there that I don't know about or want to know about or experience...and then I was surprised. Nothing big or huge or worth writing about yet...just quiet blips of joy and grace and tenderness and gentleness, requiring me to receive and to feel more than think.
I heal through silence, aloneness, contemplation, and I've had a soothing serving of all of these lately. Things that I usually don't make time for, like reviewing tidbits in my journal, tying them together and seeing patterns or finding small epiphanies. Helping me to grow. And to grow up.
So I love this picture of the macaque. I feel vulnerable. And happy. And wanting to learn to receive and trust again, but in a way I haven't done before. And despite how it looks in the picture, inside I'm extending and lengthening, and growing. It's sort of a paradox.
See, I told you it was hard to put in words.
It's like saying that the movie "Lars and the Real Girl" is about a man who romances a sex doll. Well, it is, but it totally isn't. It's almost about everything else but that and you can't see it on the surface. Some people won't see it at all. But I did, and was touched profoundly by this movie. A special thanks to Carla for her recommending it...one of the best movies I've seen in a long, long time and so supportive in my spiritual journey.
~Picture from Cute Overload