Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday: Desperate for Joy

This is obviously belated in my attempt to convey some feelings that are very hard to convey in words. I've been doing lots of collage, which helps enormously. Just now on the phone we were wondering where LoveHubbie's new wallet was that I bought him on ebay and he suggested that I may have collaged it :) Writing has been harder though, and I've been at a loss for words.

Sunday was a sacred and wonderful day for me, a culmination of many things, and a huge reward after my recent low point.

I felt as though I was yearning for, desperate for joy, and that joy was on its way, kind of in a slow cooker kind of way. This so-called "desperation" was not a panic, a frantic striving, or a harried feeling, but a yearning, and extending, and a reaching for joy. An allowing and a watching for joy. And a feeling of surprise, too, each time I see little joy-blips. A feeling of wonder. Astonishment.

Things are rearranging themselves in my life in interesting ways. Everything is moving, altering, shifting. What is coming up for me is receiving and joy.

I've been experiencing lots of emotional healing from a growing spirituality that sort of astounds me. I've felt kind of jaded spiritually lately, like I've been everywhere and done everything and that there's nothing more out there that I don't know about or want to know about or experience...and then I was surprised. Nothing big or huge or worth writing about yet...just quiet blips of joy and grace and tenderness and gentleness, requiring me to receive and to feel more than think.

I heal through silence, aloneness, contemplation, and I've had a soothing serving of all of these lately. Things that I usually don't make time for, like reviewing tidbits in my journal, tying them together and seeing patterns or finding small epiphanies. Helping me to grow. And to grow up.

So I love this picture of the macaque. I feel vulnerable. And happy. And wanting to learn to receive and trust again, but in a way I haven't done before. And despite how it looks in the picture, inside I'm extending and lengthening, and growing. It's sort of a paradox.

See, I told you it was hard to put in words.

It's like saying that the movie "Lars and the Real Girl" is about a man who romances a sex doll. Well, it is, but it totally isn't. It's almost about everything else but that and you can't see it on the surface. Some people won't see it at all. But I did, and was touched profoundly by this movie. A special thanks to Carla for her recommending it...one of the best movies I've seen in a long, long time and so supportive in my spiritual journey.

~Picture from Cute Overload


thailandchani said...

I'll definitely get the movie on Netflix.

All that you are saying makes sense. As you know, I've been going through something similar. Spiritually, I don't feel so much cynical as disappointment in some of the people who claim to practice it. Long story. And boring.

A commenter recently said that I sound raw, like a snake that has shed its skin.

That feels right somehow.

The little joy-blips come unexpectedly.. as they did for me this weekend at the wat when I heard a certain kind of music.

Leaves the strange feeling though of a taste of honey being better than none at all.. or is it? :)

So.. yeah.. I get you. :)

Olivia said...

Thanks, Chani. It feels so good to be gotten :) Peace, joy, love, rest, and sweetness, O xxoo

CrystalChick said...

We're on different paths, and have obviously had different experiences but there was a good deal of this post today, and your link to the recent low point that I can say I sort of understand... in my way...
While my blog has alot of things in it that are of course uniquely 'me', and I don't generally get deep there with alot of my feelings about some stuff, I do understand on a personal level, some of what others go thru. Sometimes reading these things helps as I go thru my own struggles.
Even though my posts recently were of my grandson walking, my son playing his guitar, jewelry, and my biz.... I do sometimes wish I could talk of other more personal things.

I enjoy your blog. I usually come thru via Jane, at the Painted House, but maybe if it's okay with you I will add the link directly? But if not, that's okay too.

Olivia said...

Mary, thank you for your heartfelt comment. It is pretty hard for me to talk of personal things as well, but I guess that over the years of blogging it has been one of my goals, to be more transparent in the hopes that it may help others as well as myself. It's different for every person, and we all have to protect our privacy and those we live with and love at some level. However, for me, I've tried to get deeper and more authentic lately, despite the risks. Blogging serves different functions for each of us at different times.

I'm glad you enjoy my blog, and would be honored for you to add a direct link. Thank you so much, Mary.



laundrygirl said...

I just finished watching Lars and The Real Girl. My husband and I watched it and both agreed that it was brilliant. (I plan to buy it for our collection.) I agree with you that it was more than just a guy with a doll. Oh, I'm fumbling to express what I mean but I was really touched by it all. And the fact that the town gave Lars room to work through his own stuff, the fact that they all went along with it and in the end were changed as well - all of it was pretty profound. It all has left me still digesting it...
As for you and all that you do and share, well, I think you are pretty amazing. I come here often, many times not commenting and yet I am often touched and left with many things to think about because of the thoughts you have expressed. Thanks for expanding my world. I appreciate you.

Olivia said...

Dear Kristine,

I'm so glad you enjoyed Lars and the Real Girl and that you "got it" as I did...how profound it was. I watched it twice, and it was definitely a movie to digest.

Thank you too for your kind words. I've been struggling with a migraine for a couple of days and they really came at the right time, Kristine.

Thanks again, and many blessings,



Rick Hamrick said...

O--it is one of the most powerful movies I have ever seen, and yet its power is so gentle that one could miss it, I'm sure. It is a movie which takes a bit of time to capture the viewer, or at least that was true for me.

By the end of it, though, I was fully enthralled.

For one who professes a loss of words, you did a marvelous job of expressing where you were when you wrote this post.

That tender, overly-sensitive feeling you describe when you are ready for joy and you allow it (oh, my! time to start on tomorrow's post of my own) and yet can be surprised by its arrival...if that is not the perfect place to be, I don't know what is.

In my mind's eye, I picture the child's face fully astonished and also full of joy. Yes...I'm willing to go there any time I can arrange it.

Olivia said...


You put it so well---that is EXACTLY how I feel about it: one of the most powerful movies I've ever seen AND with a message so gentle it could be missed. It is a movie that is only better the second time around, too.

I'm so glad that you "get" where I was coming from...thanks, Rick,

Love, and again, Happy Father's Day, O

Angela said...

What a cute little critter. O, it's good to hear that you're anticipating life. That's what it sounds like to me. And finding little moments of joy. I find myself very happy for you. :)

Olivia said...

Thanks, Angela...your support means so much! Love, O

mermaid musings said...

I will check on that movie, I got netflix, tto.
Collages have helped me so much in my own healing too and my art journal and altered book too.
And thank God for the desire and belief of healing, yes???
I am with you!

Olivia said...

Yes, thank you, Carmen, collages do help so very much. I hope you do get a chance to watch Lars and the Real Girl as you will love it. Yes, I am truly thankful for the opportunity to heal. Love you, O