I am speaking from experience with this, as my husband (age 49) had his first heart attack six weeks ago. We didn't expect it, but we should have. Here is some straight talk, some
explicit advice:
1. Be in great shape physically.
You will need to be able to do the physical things he isn’t strong enough to do. Including, perhaps, being able to push his wheelchair, chop wood, carry water, help him in and out of the car and up and down the driveway, etc. Prepare for this. If he’s had his first heart attack and is obviously working on his second (more about this later), continue to work out for upcoming physical stressors. Lift weights. Walk. This will help with the emotional stress also.
2. Don’t nag.
This is good advice for any spouse, but it’s hard not to “remind” your husband of healthy choices when the stakes are so high. Still, he will do what he will do. The best way to influence him is to tell him, and to encourage those who love him to tell him, that his choices affect their lives. If he still chooses unhealthy behaviors, it is devastatingly unfortunate, but there is absolutely nothing you can do if he is not confined to the house and has access to food and money. Believe me, I know. One idea I’ve tried is to invite him to help me to pick out my next husband to succeed him after I’m a widow…I’ll let you know if this has any measurable impact!
3. Plan on having no sex life.
Have low expectations; then, whatever you do have is gravy. Sex will be different forever. And he cannot take Viagra. With a sensitive partner, of course sex can continue on forever in some form. Still, develop alternatives. Work with whatever you have and remember, you still have the love of your life. ‘Nuf said!
4. Learn everything there is to know about low-fat low-salt dieting, but…support him in eating the way he wants to.
Only he can decide if he would rather live a longer, healthier life (even if it’s a no-brainer for you) or a shorter, happier life. His diet is an intensely personal decision not worth sacrificing your marriage over. Your husband, after all, will eat what he wants one way or another. And, survive or not, as he intends. You’ll wish desperately that you could keep him alive, but you can’t. This I know. Only he can.
5. Find some cool restaurants that are willing to cook low-fat low-salt.
If your husband is interested in surviving and thus motivated to eat healthfully, they will be a godsend and make for a great time together. They are surprisingly plentiful in my area of the world, the Pacific Northwest. A side benefit is that you really learn to love…no kidding---LOVE---foods that are low-fat and low-salt. Who knew?
6. Buy one of those LARGE pillboxes that have the days of the week on them.
He will need them to keep track of his innumerable medications. My husband is currently on ten different meds per day. Yours may need more or less.
7. Educate yourself.
Whether or not your husband chooses to educate himself, the heart attack happened to you both. You’ll see. Learn what you can independently of him. Expect that both of you will have a totally different lifestyle.
8. Be prepared for mood swings, even if he didn’t have them before.
That’s normal. If he had mood swings before his heart attack, though, get ready for a circus. He’s facing his mortality, perhaps for the first time. He may be in denial about his athletic prowess, his sexual prowess, the overall condition of his body, the number of medications he needs to take, the chances of him having a future heart attack, etc. It’s not easy. No excuses…it’s just not easy. Be patient and loving with him.
9. Don’t bring singing balloons to the hospital or give him the game “Operation” as a gift.
In fact, try really, really hard not to startle him at all those first few weeks. Both of these things happened to us courtesy of our wonderful friends, who had no idea that the balloon would start to sing spontaneously, even in the middle of the night, playing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy!” loudly and suddenly when it was bumped by his nurses and techs. You would think it would have been obvious to wait to play “Operation”, but we decided to have fun right away…BBBBIIIIIZZZZTTT!...big mistake!
10. Go through your own grieving process alone, not in front of him.
He has his own issues to deal with having had a heart attack, and how his life will be forever different. You will have to mourn many losses. It is an unlikely husband who will be strong enough emotionally to be there to support you. If he is, count your blessings. Otherwise, that’s what God, friends, and supportive family and professionals are for.
11. Get ready for varying reactions from close family.
The children will have their own reactions, either being very caring, or else causing him more stress at a vulnerable time. Same thing with other family members. Unfortunately, if your husband is affluent, money comes into play here, which is horrible to imagine, but a reality. Pray for supportive close family members.
12. Get ready to find out who your real friends are.
Real friends are there in a crisis. This crisis will be a sorting through period for both of you. It’s a good way of finding out before your funeral who really loves you. Many people don’t have this opportunity. You’ll be closer to your real friends afterwards, more distant from your (surprise!) fake friends.
13. Make sure that you have important people’s phone numbers plugged into your cell phone.
Even better, have a can-do go-to person (e.g., best friend, family member, etc.) that you can call to handle notifications for you during the crisis.
14. Back out of all unnecessary professional, familial, and social obligations.
Finally, you’ve got a great excuse to get out of anything that doesn’t really matter to you---hence, the “obligation” part. He has the same excuse and can pare his life down to essentials, to what is really important to him. Of course, he could have done this at any time previously, but he didn’t, which is part of the reason he had the heart attack in the first place.
15. If your husband still works, get used to being alone a lot in the evenings and on weekends while he sleeps.
Men sleep a lot for many weeks (or months) after a heart attack. If he doesn’t work, he’ll still sleep a lot. You’ll be alone and will need interests and friends so that he can get the rest he needs.
16. Make sure you have a really good hospital with excellent cardiac care.
Don’t settle in this arena. If you were unlucky with his first heart attack, plan for the second one (more about this later). Very important.
17. Avail yourself of excellent health care practitioners.
If you’re fortunate, you’ll have a great doctor who understands the role of preventative medicine through diet and exercise, not just surgery and medicine. If she/he doesn’t, find a new doctor. Use alternative health practitioners.
18. Get ready for the bills.
We got so many bills; it was unbelievable. We also got the largest bill I’d ever seen in my life, for over $80,000…and he only had stents placed, not open heart! Get ready…
19. Get health insurance now.
If you wait until after his heart attack, he won’t qualify for it.
20. Get life insurance now.
If you wait until after his heart attack, he won’t qualify for it.
21. Trust your instincts. If you think he’s having a heart attack, he probably is. Again---trust your intuition!
If you’re wrong, you’ve lost very little, maybe looking a little foolish. If you’re right and you don’t go, you will struggle to cope with this decision. If you’re right, and you do go, you save his life.
Most men having heart attacks go to the emergency room because their wives insist. It’s a fact.
22. It’s a dry run for his Second Heart Attack.
If your husband doesn’t modify his behavior, and relies solely on modern medicine to save him, there is a realistic chance that he will have a second heart attack. This is a reality. So if he doesn’t move around much (as in exercise), doesn’t change his diet and still eats a lot, continues to gain weight, refuses to cut down on his stress, has no spiritual life to speak of, works like a dog, thinks “relaxation” is for ninnies, smokes, has a family history of heart disease, etc., you’ll revisit all of this, and probably soon. He’s bargaining with fate that he’ll be able to get intervening medical help in time, though. Get ready.
23. Along this line, two words: Estate Planning.
Make sure your estate plan is up to date ahead of time and that you are familiar with it. Do not rely on your husband for this. He will feel invulnerable. He’s not. Get a great attorney and/or good books from the library or Amazon. That alone may motivate him to think about the potential effects of his behavior (probably not).
24. If your husband is motivated to eat healthfully, get some good low-fat low-salt books.
Make sure he’s motivated, though, before you get too crazy with this. Most men are extremely motivated while they are in the hospital. Then, everything changes once they see they’ve survived. You may waste literally hundreds of dollars buying healthy organic no-salt ingredients and learn to cook like a professional with fresh spices and other amazing ingredients only to find your husband back at his favorite fast-food haunts. Take your time.
25. Along this line…you may need to plan ahead emotionally, too, for the Second Heart Attack.
Some men need two heart attacks to get smart and heart healthy. Others never learn. Maintain the connection between you and your husband and love him no matter what…he may not be around long. Spend time with your husband and enjoy every precious moment of his life.
26. Always, always, practice outstanding self-care.
One of you needs to be healthy and on top of things, and that's you. Eat right yourself, sleep well, exercise, take time for relaxation, pray or meditate, journal (or find some other way to deal with your feelings), and lean on your support system, including supportive professionals.
27. Let go of the man you knew and loved, and learn to love the man you have now.
Stop wishing him to be something that he’s not, and can never be again. Love bears all things.
Our time on earth is short. My preference is that my husband would take care of himself. I want to grow old with him. But that’s all that it is---a preference---and it’s MINE. My husband may choose differently. Above all, I want our connection, and our love to last. Enjoy every minute of your life together, be present, and treasure your husband…and all those you love.
~Picture by my husband's nurse with my cell phone[Previously published in my old blog Tapping Luau under title "How To Survive Your Young Husband’s First (Unexpected) Heart Attack"]
