Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thursday Thinking Out Loud in Response to Your Comments
Indeed, I have the most thoughtful and wise blog readers in the blogosphere! I took all of my comments from yesterday and just really let them simmer. They were my quiet time today. I decided to make a blog post about them today and respond to them here instead of in the comment section.
Chani, whose post started off this discussion, shared details of her personal situation. We are similar in ages (I'm 50, Chani) and I have also had a challenging personal life for many years. I have also lived an amazing, joy-filled, and grounded life for periods of time when I've lived in a place and in a culture congruent with my values (Hawaii). I struggle to recreate much of that here.
It's interesting that peace can be so place-based. I know that I can find peace at other times, but it takes great work and inspiration; in Hawaii it was there by default. I am touched that you wish more for me; honestly, I wish more for myself as well. I feel the same way about you and have grown much from our parallel journeys.
Kate I gives some perspective. I agree with you, Kate, that we are all doing what is right for us, the best we can, right now. This could change at any time. I, too, wonder if accepting people as they are is the same as having low expectations of people.
I love people who expect the best from everyone. They expect wonderful things to happen and they do. Not in a striving, driving way but in a simple way. I think this is far to be preferred over expecting nothing (which is what I do). There is some kind of balance between the two, some kind of dance, a way that is more positive than what I'm doing that results in more positive results. A way that I suspect wouldn't leave me with so much of the low moods. It is this dance that I'm thinking I would like to learn to do.
Maybe you're right, Kate, and the answer is to expect the best and accept the reality. What if it was "expect the best and love the reality"? Now this feels right. Because even if people treat you poorly, you can learn from this, grow from this, and move onward and upward. This is also pretty idealistic. And I'm not sure it's human to love love love poor treatment. So maybe graciously acceptance is even better. And realistic.
I really appreciate what you say Kate about there being no right or wrong way to heal. And that we need a strong core of self-love to even really see others as they are. I'm taking all of these things to heart.
Self-love is not my strong suit.
But I can keep working on this!
Jessie, I miss you, too, dear. Every single day we need to practice being brave. The days that I don't I regress. We learned how to Be Brave together! You are off on your life being brave...and I...am floundering here. Trying...up and down...all I lack is that strong core of self-love and self-belief that Kate I wrote about. I can do this though. I am learning to do this with baby steps.
I like what you wrote about your dad. It's a tough, tough decision to know when estrangement is best, or walking away, separation (in the case of marriage), or just limiting contact (say to emails). I think it depends upon what we need to heal. And upon how destructive the person is. How much support we have. So many factors.
You help keep me brave, too, Jessie. You all do, actually. I've never felt like I've had support before for being my best self, for being brave, for "living big" instead of "playing small" until this past year or so in my life. Thank God for each of you. If you're reading this, I thank the Universe for you.
Rick. I love your description of me keeping my house closed until I see the light of someone who comes with love. You got it. That's it.
We do all feel the same way. We're all in this together.
And on hurt versus suffering. The stories we tell ourselves and what we place our attention on. So important to how we experience our day.
Patti, I love your quoting Eileen about how expectations are just premeditated resentments. It's funny, because from your blog I'd have no idea that you'd ever had serious challenges in your past. You seem very, very grounded and it is encouraging to me that you've come so far to live a fairly drama-free life.
You're right about my shaky central core of self-love. Very shaky. But getting stronger.
Thank you all for your continuing encouragement and thoughtful musings on my post. I am blessed, not least by having very wise and loving blog friends. Today, I feel Grateful!
~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark, editted several different ways by Me