Sacred Life Sunday: The Fragility of Life and Diabetes

Today in church I heard much about the fragility of life. It really got me thinking. I've had a lot of feedback about my post yesterday, all of which I really appreciate, even though some of it was not positive. Yes, it's true: I have a family member who is reliably negative about everything I do. This person took my post as "a big long whine" and a plea for support. I did a lot of thinking about how this post may have come across. I like to use my family member to flesh out the gnarly side of life. So I wanted to clarify a few things.

I appreciate the support I get here so much. It is my main support in life, and I really do value it so much.

With my lifestyle changes...I fully expect that I will be the one who has to do most of the supporting of myself, and as I mentioned, this ongoing support, almost a positive kind of brainwashing, will be vital. I need to constantly remind myself of what I'm doing and why. I need to feed my mind supportive literature and podcasts and self-talk. I need to buck the culture that pushes me to eat certain things for social reasons. That's been my downfall in the past.

Not everyone needs to eat a rigorous diet. Moderation is a beautiful way of living and I believe in it. Green smoothies (not just a food item but an way of eating popularized by Victoria Boutenko in 2005 in her book "Green for Life" and others) are working out well for Julia. I drank green smoothies for months when I was totally raw and also at another time when I was without most of my teeth and yet wanted to keep a clean diet; again, a healthy way of ingesting nutrients. I have training as a raw chef, have been vegetarian and vegan and totally raw, and as I wrote, am familiar with many other different healthy ways of eating and of weight management, having studied nutrition for over thirty years. I am talking about something quite a bit different. Something that has to do with the fragility of life.

I have a friend, a Hawaiian teacher (kumu), the one I was writing my book with initially. He has diabetes, just like my husband, and just like I will if I keep on eating healthfully while including carbohydrates in my diet. In the almost three years that I have been working on my book, my friend has gone from being healthier than I am, to being ill, to losing his eyesight and then one by one, each of his legs and most of his fingers. Diabetes is a special disease. It may seem to be a common problem, more of an inconvenience almost, and it is, but it can suddenly and without warning, turn deadly. Peripheral neuropathy is incredibly painful. So I saw my friend deteriorate swiftly and surely.

Diabetes must be taken seriously. I see my husband going down a similar path to that of our friend's. Someone who knows he has diabetes baked him special treats and sweets for Christmas as a loving gift of her expertise, not really understanding that for a diabetic, sugar is a killer...someone in his office baked him homemade goods daily for weeks and would leave them in the break room for him, because he is such a hard worker and deserves them, in her mind. He has progressed to the point where he will need to begin to inject insulin soon, despite all of the medication he is taking, because he can not seem to modify his diet. He is tired all the time and continues to gain weight.

It is up to the individual to make intensely personal decisions about how stringently they need to eat and what they want their quality of life to be. After extensive research first for LoveHubbie and now for myself, I know exactly how to eat. I have just delayed. Been afraid of change and allowed myself to buy into a story that makes it "hard" for me to do anything else. But I can just as easily do the hard work of being different and having a different story. This is what I've decided to do!

So I meant the post from yesterday to be kind of a confession of my general laziness and of my ability to buy into a "oh I can just live like everyone else" type of denial. I didn't mean it as a whine but as a transparency of my hitting bottom that is hopeful and exciting and adventurous because I've finally gotten the message. I can indeed write the story of my life differently, and I am ready to do the work. I can and will show the integrity that is so important to me and so vital to my experience of who I am in the world.

I appreciate your reminders to be gentle and compassionate with myself and I will. I promise.

Most important of all, I've truly realized in the last day or so that it is absolutely, positively A-OK that change is hard and uncomfortable right now. I've let that stop me for too long. I've let it discourage me and dissuade me from doing what I know is right for me. Hard---okay, check. Yes, yes. Uncomfortable---okay, check. Yes, absolutely. I can handle this. I'll do the mindful thing. Breathe. Get through this. Observe. Breathe. I know that my path is leading me toward abundant life, which is all that matters to me right now.

This road is not for everyone. But I can say that I wish that it had been the road for my friend. And that I wish it will be some day for LoveHubbie. And that I'm glad it's here for me to provide an alternative for me.

Thank each one of you for what you wrote, and to those who supported me off the blog as well (especially@livinlowcarbman). A special thanks to my cranky family member whom I love and who brings out the negative in every situation---you are my greatest teacher on the road to love.


~Photo from 1980 taken by Roderick Lee Dail

Livin' With Integrity and La Vida Low-Carb and Me

This morning I rewatched an Amazon video review I did for Jimmy Moore's first book called "Livin' La Vida Low-Carb" and almost cried. Here it is 2.5 years later, and as much as I believe in this way of eating, I am still just as heavy. My extensive knowledge base has been bolstered by numerous other books about healthy eating since then, the two most notable being Gary Taubes' "Good Calories, Bad Calories" (especially for academicians and scientists) and Nora Gedgaudes "Primal Body Primal Mind".

I definitely know how to eat for my own health, as nutrition has been my hobby for over thirty years. The problem is that as extensive as my knowledge base is, I've continued to eat a diet that despite lots of Nordic walking and gyrotonics, keeps me heavy. It's a good diet--healthy whole organic foods, which are easy to find where I live. It just keeps me heavy and does nothing for my damaged blood sugar regulation system. Despite even cutting out drinking alcohol (a drastic step for me as a wine lover), I've become pre-diabetic. And then late last year I had to stop gyrotonics because of health issues. Now I'm having to cut back on walking due to problems with my knees and feet. I do believe that these health problems are weight related. Besides all of this going on with me, LoveHubbie is diabetic, heavy and soon may need to begin injecting insulin since the medication alone cannot overcome the effects of the carbohydrates in his diet.

So now Jimmy Moore has written a second book called "21 Life Lessons From Livin' La Vida Low-Carb: How The Healthy Low-Carb Lifestyle Changed Everything I Thought I Knew", which I have delayed reviewing. And reading it, btw. This is not like me because Jimmy is the greatest guy in the world, and I love to do book reviews for people I know, even more for those who have an important message. But still, I have delayed.

The reason is fear.

Although I identify with this way of eating (healthy low carb), with this way of being in the world, and although I feel great when I live this lifestyle--I am afraid to change. I am comfortable and my way of doing things works for me on every other level except my health. And I really don't like that period of change at the beginning when change is hard and uncomfortable and takes effort and hard work.

So here I stay.

False starts and stumbles over the past months have left me feeling defeated. I watch my friends succeed and do great things. Like Julia Rogers Hamrick who is eating a healthy raw and whole foods diet and shedding pounds. And Lori-Lyn who is vegan and now giving up sugar. And Chani who has lost her weight with Weight Watchers. They have found what works for them, ways of being in the world that resonate for them, and live them out. I am envious of their integrity--that they live out what they know is right for them. They walk their talk.

And here I sit.

But I feel like I've hit bottom and I'm sitting AT the bottom--a place where I don't want to be.

So I'm going to make another beginning. I'm starting right now to eat the way I know my body loves. I'm going to care for myself. Be congruent with what I know and believe and with how I behave. I'm going to aggressively support myself in doing this, too, because I need a lot of support.

Oh, and yes, Jimmy, I'm going to actually read your book that has been sitting here on my "To Be Read ASAP" pile for the last three months. Then I'm going to review it. But most importantly, I'm going to live out what it says.

Valentine's Day, Grey's Anatomy, and Married Love

I watched Grey's Anatomy's Valentine's Day show and set a record of crying twice in it--once at the 45 minute mark and once at the end. I couldn't get the show out of my mind and had to write this post.

The show was about a woman who was in a dead marriage and had gone to a restaurant to eat with her husband for Valentine's Day. They went there every Friday. Over the fifteen years of their marriage they said less and less to each other and now just ate in silence. At the same time, their waiter had been in love with the woman for many more years than that. He never said anything though. When the man proposed to the woman, the waiter was the on who put the ring in their creme brulee. He truly knew and loved, even adored this woman, yet kept silent.

At this particular Valentine's Day dinner (which was on a Friday), the roof fell in on the restaurant and everyone was taken to the hospital. The woman and the waiter ended up being in the same room together (the waiter bribed the doctor to be next to her). The waiter didn't want to do anything except to be close to the woman and keep her company while her husband was in surgery. He also let the doctor know that he would comfort the woman if her husband did not survive and she would never have to be alone if she didn't want to be. The waiter was particularly touching to me because he so obviously loved the woman in a profoundly giving and unselfish way. And the woman seemed to be a typical neglected middle-aged wife, unaware of someone so close by who had loved her for so long.

Well, when the waiter had told his story to the doctors, the woman had been pretending to sleep but was actually awake and heard his story of love for her. Two of the doctors became aware of this and took bets on what she would do. Would she declare her love for the waiter and choose to be loved? Or would she stick with the neglectful husband and choose duty? These appeared to be the two choices.

As the show progressed, the waiter was taken into surgery also and one of the doctors had a chance to talk to the woman alone. The woman explained that she too had loved the waiter so many years ago, but he had never declared his love for her so she didn't know. Then she met her husband and she fell in love with him and married him. Marriage is an every day choosing, she said, and she still today chose him. In fact, she said it was nice to sit with him on those Fridays at dinner and to not have to talk. It was her choice, she said, and she truly loved her husband. I could really tell that this was the case. Whether or not her husband cared for her or loved her back, she definitely loved him. I had the impression that even though her husband didn't truly know or care for her the way the waiter did, she still loved him.

Then later, the waiter died in surgery. The doctor who had spoken to the woman had to come to tell her. The woman accepted the news, and then when the doctor left, she fell apart, crying inconsolably. I understood her tears and cried my own as well.

The show brought to my mind and heart a truth about marriage. It is indeed something we choose every day. Every single day. I have been married three times and know three different marriages. I know how it feels to love my husband. I know how it feels to be loved by my husband. Sometimes those two have come together. Sometimes they haven't, even within the same marriage.

I know how it feels to choose duty over love and to lose a chance to be with someone who might really be able to love me back. And I know how it feels to choose love over duty and to abandon someone I deeply care for but to take the risk that I will be happier and be loved more by someone else. I have made both of these decisions.

What every woman wants is both to love and to be known and loved in return. At the same time, in the same marriage. If we do have both, we are so blessed! However, I do think that much of the time, we have to choose. I know that I have had to make this choice. Do we choose the man whom we love in the marriage we are in even though we are not ever really truly known or loved in return? Or do we step out and take a chance to be loved in return by someone who obviously seems to love us and whom we think we love or could love in return? As I wrote, I have done both, and there is no simple answer. Both choices can be agonizing.

Many people are single on Valentine's Day and feeling lonely and unloved. Many others are in marriages and feel exactly the same way.

I wish for each and every person the experience of being loved. All love is precious, and all love has ups and downs. A marriage can change and be different things at different times in its duration.

If you do not have mutually romantic love in your life this Sunday, as many single and married people do not, please take joy and comfort in friends, family, and a loving God/Universe. This is something we all have. And this is a time to celebrate all love, memories of past romantic love, and the hope of romantic love to come. Love is a beautiful thing in all of its forms. Whether it is returned or not. Love is love and something to be grateful for. And no love is ever wasted.

May each of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Ordinary Things

I was inspired to write this post by laundrygirl and Chani. Their recent posts emphasized gratitude and being content with the quotidian activities we all engage in. And of course, I am continually inspired by Kikipotamus the Hobo's ongoing Grace in Small Things adventure, echoed at times by AbitibiSouth. I am convinced that if we can learn to do this, we can have more peace and get more enjoyment out of life.

So today I thought I'd write a list of some for the small things that brought me pleasure, grace, and peace.

• Continuing recovery from my painful gum infection of the last few weeks.
• Not falling lots of times when I almost have.
• The silence that is around me for most of the day.
• A fountain pen that was a gift from a near stranger.
• Added by LoveHubbie: "The way a fire feels on your backside." (This would be the heat from a woodstove, not lighting your buttocks on fire.)
  
• Light rain for my walk (as opposed to hard, driving, drenching rain.
  
• Committing myself to finally doing some art (Kate's Striped Paper technique) which you can see more of here and here. I plan to do it with glue though as I don't have a sewing machine. I love the look of it.
  
• Having an empty refrigerator but finding some sardines.
  
• The clean light feeling I get when I wash my hair.
  
• Eyes that can see to read, still.
  
• Each and every one of you.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Anyone Tried Blogo?

I'm trying out a new blog editor today, one that works well with my Mac. It's called Blogo. If you have a Mac, you might want to give it a try. I'm hoping that it will make blogging easier and the Blogger interface irrelevant. If you blog with a Mac, what do you use?

So far, it seems like it is much easier to edit photos and to post. However, I'm thinking that I still have to make a smaller copy of my photo to keep from using up too much space; ideally, I'd like the photo uploaded to be the size I'm using in the blog, not the size of the original.

Blogo is free to demo, and then costs $25 to purchase.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

I Now Have An Editor

Well, the editor I wanted for my book agreed to work with me. I have an editor! (I never thought I'd write this.) There are many reasons that this is a big deal. One is that she is the very best person available for this job. She is familiar with the Hawaiian language and Mauian history. She has published many books and articles and won awards. She is familiar with the Hawaiian publishing environment and thinks that the book will indeed be publishable. Thus, I have an amazing person to help me.

Another is that it validates that I really did write the book and that it is good work. I know that might sound silly. But parts of my writing journey seem almost not real. No one but me has read the manuscript. I don't think that I was sure I was going to finish it until the day before I finished it. I don't think that I knew it was even "good enough" until my editor accepted it. This is what I've always wanted to do and now I've done it and it feels like a dream.

Sometimes people ask me what I do and I say "I'm a writer." They then inevitably say "What have you written?" I say "Lots of things--I journal, I blog, and I write Amazon reviews. Right now I'm writing a book about a sacred place in Maui." Then they say "Have you ever published anything?" I say "No" and they look at me with an odd look and change the subject. I get the feeling that they think my saying that I write is an excuse for something like...oh, I don't know...like eating bon-bons and watching television all day in my pajamas. (The pajama part is true.)

So having an editor validates that all of the hard work I did was real and it steps things up to another level. I'm allowing myself to believe (just a little) that one day it might actually be a hardcopy book. A real book.

I am even thinking that I might just succeed in my purpose with the book: that it might bring much more global attention to Moku`ula, that it will raise funds for Friends of Moku`ula so that the restoration is able to move forward dramatically, and that people will begin to truly believe that the glory will return to Moku`ula.

Kreativ Bloggers

I was given a lovely blog award, called Kreativ Blogger, by Jane. Jane has two blogs, one called The Painted House, which is her personal blog, filled with creative art and sewing and her writing about her life. The other is a new venture for her called 52 Projects. 52 Projects is an "adventure in discovery" involving doing something new and exciting each week of the year (although the project doesn't have to be big or art related) as a way to self-discovery and personal growth. Best of all, you can jump in anytime! Doesn't that sound great?

So part of the award is posting seven things you might not know about me.

1 - One of my favorite jobs when I worked regular jobs was working as an accounting clerk in a small office. I ran an adding machine all day and did very little thinking, leaving my mind free to roam all day. I loved that. Another favorite job I had was as an ice guard in an ice skating rink. I was the only female ice guard and it was a cool job:) It involved skating around, keeping people safe, and helping people who were injured. Some of my jobs were okay but nothing compares to being a writer.

2 - I made a Valentine for LoveHubbie last year out of an old refrigerator part, one that the repairman left when he installed a new thingamajig. I like making art projects out of found objects.



3 - I have had really, really bad teeth. By the time I was in my forties I'd lost about two-thirds of them. Lots of years before that were spent in pain before getting them fixed and after too. Then LoveHubbie took out a second mortgage on the house (just kidding, but almost) and got me a mouth full of dental implants and my life was transformed. Teeth are really, really important.

4 - I wrote a psychology paper in my sixth year as an undergraduate on how to calculate physical attractiveness using a mathematical equation. It sounds pretty lame except that I was also a statistics major and it made sense to me. That was so long ago that I typed it on a typewriter using carbon paper and I still have a copy.

5 - I am crazy about fountain pens and writing by hand. I've kept journals all my life and writing in them is just about the most fun thing I can imagine to do. I am also into flexible nibs and interesting colors of ink. I write mainly in moleskines now but also have several journals by the talented bookbinder and art journaler Leslie Herger.

6 - I started writing Amazon reviews because I wanted to share what I thought about books I'd read with other people, and I didn't know anyone I could talk to who cared. So far I've written 1,014 Amazon reviews. Really. It's pretty cool because I often get sent free things to review, however, I sort of wish now that I'd devoted more of that energy towards writing for publication.

7 - I was the black sheep of my family. LoveHubbie is the black sheep of his family. I enjoy people who do things differently, and my friends tend to be other black sheep. I think that being a black sheep is a fine thing to be, even a good thing. I do find it sad though that when you are marching to a different drummer people try to make your drummer (and you too) wrong and bad. I think that different drummers are what makes the world go round.

Lastly, for the Kreativ Blogger, you must pass it on to seven other bloggers. Jane hates this part and I do too. I don't think I read any blogs that aren't incredibly creative, because creative blogs are the ones I'm attracted to. Here are the rules for the seven recipients:

1. Thank the person giving the award.
2. Copy the award to your blog.
3. Place a link to their blog.
4. Name seven things people don't know about you.
5. Nominate seven other bloggers who you admire.
6. Place a link to these bloggers.
7. Leave a comment on their blog notifying them of the award.

I am adding another rule just for these seven wonderful bloggers: if you don't have the time or the desire to do this or you want to do it your own way, please feel free. My desire is to honor you and to let you know how much your creativity has inspired me.

Today I'm picking:

The Queen of Arts,
The Queen of Creativity,
                                               (I chose both Queen Kim and Queen Kate for their incredible creativity especially artistically, and I mention them first because they are royalty.)

Kikipotamus the Hobo,
                                                (I chose Kelly because she is gifted at finding small things to be grateful for each day.)

Notes from the Laundromat,
                                                (I chose Kristine because her art is like nothing I've ever seen, her photos are great, and she is an emerging artist just beginning to find recognition for the work she does.)

Suzie the Foodie,
                                                (Because she is just SO darn creative with food, her approach to cooking, and her writing about her adventures. I'm not really interested in cooking but I read each and every post and enjoy it. I swear I even taste the food!)

Finding My Way Home
                                                (I chose Thailand Chani because she is so creative with her approaches to life and to dealing with difficult situations.)

The Dream Life
                                                (Because Lori-Lyn writes better than anyone I know, and if that's not creative I don't know what is. She is also very, very real.)


If you're just coming back to my blog after a long hiatus (as in, since the last time I posted), please don't miss my post "Where's Olivia?" also from today.

Ahhhh, it's good to be back.

Where's Olivia?

I have been working on finishing my book on Moku`ula, and then I actually did just that on Friday, can you believe it? And I may already have an editor. I'm submitting my manuscript to her Monday for her to evaluate to see. I need someone very familiar with the Hawaiian language as well as Mauian history. I decided to pick the very best person I could find. So I am honored that she is willing to consider me. 

So I've been working, working, working, like grad school all over again. But I'm done.

I will be posting more here...so stay tuned.

Sacred Life Sunday: Blessings and Poverty

I wanted to write today to tell you how much I appreciate all of my blessings, especially each one of you. I was talking to a friend yesterday and I told her that my most prized possession is my laptop, because it is a major way that I connect and interface with the world, with all of you.

As I watch the coverage of Haiti, I am reminded that even just in the stability of our country right now, even in the fact that we have food and water and a clean bed to sleep in (let alone new sheets), even in these little things, we are very blessed. We have so much! Our health, our jobs (or our ability to get a new job), our families (biological or chosen), a clear mind, being able to walk and feed ourselves--we each have so much that we take for granted.

Today I am focusing on not taking the foundation of abundance in my life for granted.

And praying for those who are in need.

Today I am reminded of those who are in spiritual poverty also. People who are searching for spiritual life. People whose spirituality is fear-based or even hate-based. They are in need too.

May we all--all--be blessed and have our needs met.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

New Sheets

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up in one week. It's hard to believe I've been married to LoveHubbie this long. This year, I decided to do something creative. We previously had our original comforter on our king bed, which is also 10 years old. So I decided to put together a beautiful new sheet set.


I only mostly shop on the Internet, so I did it using Amazon, trying to coordinate everything with a treasured drawing of Moku`ula that hangs in my bedroom (as well as the subject of my book). It's pretty hard to do, but an exciting way to exercise creativity--at least that's how I experienced it. I'm always looking for deals, too, so that made it extra fun.


Here is the blessedly short movie I did about this:





Unfortunately the movie came out like an action movie with the camera swaying all over the place and the details blurred and pixelated. I debated about putting it up at all, but I really wanted to show it to you! And for right now, I don't know how to improve it. I obviously need to learn much more about how to make clear movies and about how to package them for YouTube, but this will have to do until then. 


Here is a picture of LoveHubbie and me from over 30 years ago in our engagement picture:  

As some of you know, we married other people, and are grateful for a second chance to be together in middle age.


Peace and joy to everyone this weekend, O

Word for the New Year: Presence

I'm a little late posting this year and I've missed Sacred Sundays and Wellness Wednesdays for a while, but I hope to get back on track. I've been working on finishing my book before my jury duty obligation starts next week. I'm not going to finish in time after all, but I've made so much progress. It feels good. My first deadline was the end of 2009, but I'm satisfied that I'm nearing the finish line.

Well, my word for 2010 is Presence. For me this means being present and mindful and experiencing things with my whole self. It means having a year of sobriety from alcohol and really feeling through things. I've experienced a lot of shifting even just in this short time. One is that I enjoy two things much more, poetry and music. I've been drawn to them. Usually it's way too hard for me to slow down enough to read poetry. And music competes with all the noise in my head. So this year I've been reading poetry of all types and listening to instrumental music, especially tango.

Another shift is that I've dropped a bad habit--that of staying in touch with people who have expressed a desire NOT to be in touch with me. As in, following them over the Internet because I "care about them". This rationale works well for people I'm related to or have been close to. Or following their activities and endeavors because I "need to know what they're up to so that I can be informed and prepare myself"--this rationale is good with past so-called enemies. This is a really useless pursuit that keeps these people present in my consciousness. There is no space to move on and introduce healthier relationships. I have let this go. It allows me to be Present in my life.

I've also started meditating via the 28 Day Meditation Challenge, which I found out about from Linnea via Twitter (she is @cafemercury). Several of you have joined me in this. I started out strong, but forgot the last two days. So today I had a long meditation time for me, twenty minutes. Loved it. I was following Kelly's suggestion to take today off after I tweeted about it being Elvis' birthday today. I always remember. I don't know why. I'm not an Elvis fan. It's just one of those things that sticks with me, like Pearl Harbor Day and birthdays of everyone I've ever loved.



So I just decided to go with it. I have been pushing pretty hard and can use a day off.

One thing I should mention about my word. It hasn't been just hunky-dory with me being Present as I go about my life. So. Far. From it. I just get little glimpses from time to time. It's a place to start. And other things.

For example, in letting go of people---both loved and toxic folk--I have a huge amount of anxiety. Huge. An open space. The space in my heart is cracked wide open to receive more as I let go of these people. It does result in anxiety but I expect this to get less and less.

Also, I have times of alternating Presence with Suzie's word: Escape. Suzie has such hutzpah in choosing a non-shiny word, I think. Right now I still need some Escape as I am transitioning (and maybe I always will). For me this means reading fiction, watching television while I eat, playing Sudoku, getting lost following links in Twitter, dreaming about where we'll retire, and generally healthy things like this. But I do use them--use them--to Escape from being present and to cope with difficult emotions when they become too much to bear. Instead of forcing myself to always be Present (too overwhelming right off), I am taking baby steps. Escape is very, very helpful.

If I haven't wished you a happy new year yet, I'm wishing you one now. I love your comments. Each one is encouraging to me and helps me to continue on this journey we're on together. xo.

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, all taken in Maui this past fall 2009

Leavenworth Pictures Christmas 2009

Here are some Leavenworth Pictures taken by LoveHubbie Mark. Since there were quite a few, I uploaded them to Facebook. Even if you don't have Facebook, you can see them here. I hope that you like them and can get a sense of what I wrote about the trip.

Back from Leavenworth

We are back from Leavenworth and from our adventure to recreate Christmas. Like most adventures, it was filled with unexpected surprises of all types. It was a wonderful trip.

LoveHubbie has yet to upload his pictures, as he is hard back at his job with a huge backlog of work to do, so until then I'm sharing with you some gorgeous pictures taken by Abendblume Pension, the bed-and-breakfast where we stayed.

The town of Leavenworth, WA is set up to look like a German town high in the mountains. Everything from the McDonald's to the Starbucks is special, with alpine-looking facades and everything set to convince you that you are really in Germany. The whole town is surrounded by mountains, as you can see in this first picture. It was bitter cold, and we were fortunate that although the snow was piled up everywhere, there was none on the roads so traveling was safe.

The Abendblume Pension is subtly Christian throughout and the owners are lovingly and caringly and hospitably Christian. There was a peaceful spirit that permeated the entire place that is unlike most Christian places I know. I just loved being there, and I would think that anyone, no matter what their beliefs, would feel the same.

This is a picture of the dramatic circular staircase in the entryway. I just loved looking at it.

LoveHubbie and I were disconnected from the rest of the world while we were there. It made for a very intense time. LoveHubbie and I both have many issues around Christmas and this was a perfect place to be together and to learn how to experience Christmas in a different way.

It was the most positive experience I've had of this time of year in a long, long time. I actually began to love the decorations and to feel fondly towards the holiday season. I really enjoyed the other people who were there. They seemed to be quiet, peaceful, and like us in seeking a time to be together yet away from home and to relax.

The beds were made up in a European style, which we really enjoyed. Instead of sheets, there were two duvets on each bed with duvet covers. I slept like a baby every night, all night through, wrapped up in my duvet.

I didn't bring my laptop, so I felt cut off from all of you. I didn't like that too much, but it allowed me to focus in on just LoveHubbie, so that was probably a good thing. Even though I did have my iPhone (and thus FaceBook and Twitter) it wasn't the same, and in the mountains our iPhones weren't very reliable. Still, being isolated ended up being a good thing. I liked that LoveHubbie and I focused on each other and on our feelings about this time of year.

This is the breakfast area; here you can see the beautiful style of all of the decorations. This is hard to explain, but in the totally strange environment, completely absent of anyone familiar except LoveHubbie, I allowed myself to let in good feelings about Christmas. It was a very safe place, safe from bad family memories, safe to create good positive ones. It is hard to put into words.

We were alone when we needed to be but with others when we needed that as well. It was a very romantic environment and it seemed that the couples who were also there had been together for many years. The group we were with was mostly older folks, so their company was particularly enjoyable--people who have been married for many years and who were successful at building and maintaining loving relationships.

The food at breakfast was amazing. I had the best omelet I ever had in my life, as well as lots of other great food. Both LoveHubbie and I sampled everything that was there, including the treats that were presented each night. I pretty much abandoned my normally restrictive diet and just enjoyed myself.

We ventured into town most days either to eat or to look at the little shops. Downtown Leavenworth is a little Bavarian village. It was quite crowded at this time of year, and even though everyone seemed very friendly, we don't enjoy crowds much, so we hurried back to the pension to relax by the fire. To read. To talk.

We had some very intense times. I witnessed a lot of LoveHubbie's pain, and he mine. I cried a lot. I forgave a lot. I feel like I am only just starting to heal, but this was a beautiful way to start, in a safe and lovely environment, and even, in community.

More pictures, our own pictures, and more reflections to come. I haven't processed everything yet, because I wasn't alone or writing much, so I'll do that here. And share it with you :)

~All pictures are from the Abendblume Facebook site and Website

Recreating Christmas

So as many of you know, LoveHubbie and I are going to Leavenworth, WA to have a romantic getaway in an attempt to recreate Christmas from a holiday of tiresome depressive-type memories to something good. We are both pretty excited about it. I will be satisfied if we simply rest, relax, and focus on all of our many blessings, including each other. It 'tis the season for Gratitude!

I won't be taking my computer, but I'll take some pictures to post when we get back. I wish you all a wonderful time filled with gratitude for all we each have, because no matter how we spend this holiday we are surely blessed with abundance. Some of us will be having family challenges (like Mary Catherine) and opportunities to extend forgiveness, others will be enjoying the blessings of solitude and peace and absence of drama. Some of us are in different places from their loved ones, like Rick and Julia. Others of us have family members serving our country overseas. Some of us will be dealing with health challenges, like little Carly, who is again in the hospital; please pray for her. Others, like Kelly are starting whole new chapters in their lives. Still others are traveling...

One thing I know for sure is that we all have our greatest blessing in the people who love us. I am blessed with all of you, and I will carry you in my heart this Christmas season.

Sacred Life Sunday: Feeling Loved

Thank all of you who left comments on my last post. They were funny, affirming, sweet, and loving beyond measure. You all are wonderful, my friends!

I had an experience early on in the week that has stuck with me and that I've thought about daily. Our house is heated by a wood stove and it has been cold here lately. We have some little space heaters in the wall that can be used to generate some heat in an emergency but they are tiny, the house is large, and they're electric and expensive. I've been running those but it was down in the single digits and I was still freezing and trying to write every day.

Tuesday it dipped down to 8 degrees. I woke up and decided that no matter what, I was going to get the wood stove going that day. It involved setting up our portable humidifier and getting wood in from the woodshed. I needed a man. Or a woman with a stronger back than I had.

So I recklessly called people on Craig's List. I didn't care if they were licensed, bonded, or could spell. I wanted someone then so that my fingers would thaw out and my nose would stop running. I ended up connecting with several nice people, but Ed answered first so he got the job. Ed came over and cleaned and assembled my humidifier, he filled my wood round, he started a fire. He refused work gloves and our firewood carrier, saying he liked to do things "the old-fashioned way" and carried the wood in his arms. While he was there, he also cleared the debris from the storm last week off of my driveway, out of the front and back yards, and blew the roof off and cleaned out the gutters too. He worked fast. He was really concerned that everything was the way I wanted it and that he do a good job.

I don't really know anything about Ed. I don't know why I trusted him from the moment I talked to him on the phone.

But what I've thought of again and again was something that happened when Ed started the fire. I picked up our broom and started to sweep up the dirt and stones and wood fragments that always litter our hardwood floor from the back door to the fireplace whenever wood is brought in. Ed said, "No, no...leave it; I'll get that." It startled me, but I left the broom, and sure enough, he swept up after himself.

Even writing about it makes me cry for some reason. I felt a feeling I haven't had in a long time. I felt cared for. I know it was a little thing, a small thing, but it gave me a feeling that is rare in my life.

Growing up I didn't feel cared for. I knew that my parents would begrudgingly provide, but that I was to "earn my keep" and that I was there to serve them, to make their lives better and to justify my existence. I lived for the day I would turn eighteen and get to leave home. Since then, I've tried to give back in relationships and jobs and life in general and to make sure that others know how much I care for them. And I've sort of recreated my home situation again and again I fear.

So when Ed went beyond and seemed to care---Ed the Stranger---Ed the cleanup guy from Craig's List---it broke my heart open this week. It was especially tender that he was a man. Sometimes I think that angels come to me in male form because God knows that I expect so little from men and She wants to surprise me.

I called Ed and thanked him for his good work but I couldn't really expressed how he'd touched me so deeply; I didn't know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. That happens often to me. Sometimes I try to convey to people how I appreciate them and how they've touched me by signing off (say on a comment on a blog post) with what I want for them and to thank them in my signature when I wish them peace and love or joy and blessings or hope and rest and peace. It's still hard to convey, though.

As hard as it is, that is what I wish for Ed and for each of you. Thank you for touching my life and for helping me to feel loved.