Monday, January 2, 2012
I so wanted to be close to her. I ignored her reactions and I kept revealing myself and my heart.
Incidentally, I mentioned something related to money and continued on sharing. She said, "NOW, you've got my attention. This is something I'm VERY interested in." She said it with a tone implying that the rest of what I'd shared was not that interesting. Still I continued on, mainly because I don't want to see her as someone who is materialistic. I wanted to be close, and I wanted her not to be materialistic but to really care about me, and since that was the way I wanted things to be, I was going to soldier on, by golly.
Towards the end of our ten minute conversation, she was looking down at my book and seeming (still) uninterested. As a last desperate plea, I said I needed eye contact. First she stared at me. Stared and stared, without blinking. I kept talking. She kept staring. I said, "Please don't do that. Please blink." She did. Really, really fast. Fluttering her eyelids, as though it was a joke. Ridiculing my need for eye contact, and for closeness. I felt humiliated and rejected. It felt like she'd rejected my heart.
But the thing is, I set myself up for it. I ignored the feedback from her, which was completely consistent, that she had no interest in what I had to share.
I felt ashamed, but not by her--by myself, because I know better than to keep on sharing with someone who is not interested and who does not value me enough to listen or respect me enough to be kind. I twisted reality into what I wanted it to be rather than seeing it for what it was.
And then I decided not to beat myself up about it. I had a good cry and wrote about it here. And cried some more. And I also did not use emotional eating to cope with my feelings. Say for maybe the first time in a few decades. I prayed for help from my Higher Power and felt gratitude for what I experienced since it obviously is what I need to learn.
This is what I want 2012 to be about--learning the lessons I need to learn from what happens to me--feeling my feelings, making mistakes, and then moving forward. And sharing what I learn with you. Thank you, my dear friends, for listening.
Artwork: "Two Women And A Crow" by Colleen Couves at colleencouves.com