I am typing today's post not really knowing ahead of time what I want to blog about or how to do it in order to still share with you, yet protect confidentiality and privacy. I wish that I could write more about my ordeal. It is a time of healing right now for me, a time of forgiveness, and a time of learning new ways of living.
The hard part about this is that I don't know if we all are going to make it through together. I can just focus on myself; in fact I need to, or I won't make it through. I have a spiritual perspective and some fine support and I think I'm going to be okay. But I don't know if we all are.
I am healing. And I don't know what my life will be like in a few days, weeks, or months. It puts me in a situation where the only way I can survive psychologically is to live in the moment. Today. This is a good place to be, although scary---on and off---as I waver and almost...but not quite...fall.
As much as you can believe for yourself and have faith for yourself, you can't really do it for someone else, unfortunately. It is terrible to watch someone you care for make choices that could lead to loss and pain. To see them turn away from offered love and health and blessing and from your arms as shelter from the storm. To offer them the biggest and best things you could ever give them---to offer them your self and your heart---and to still have them question if you love them, or maybe even worse, if they love you.
It does feel good to feel though. And to do the absolute best you can. And to trust that God is always there, that the Universe is safe and good and will always take care of you. To trust that love is what is truly real. And to know that reality is what you will accept---not wishes, or dreams, or fantasies, but reality.
And to know you will be okay not matter what.