Friday, August 8, 2008

BE BRAVE: Post 12: Moving Out of Inertia


Since I started with my Big List on Sunday, I’ve accomplished several things that required bravery. Some of these were on my Big List, and some just came up and were not. But I found that just having the list and defining things based upon the type of emotion and importance that went with them helped me to do other things not listed too. Some of these may seem mundane, but I list them so that you can see that they are a great deal beyond my usual BE BRAVE challenges of getting dressed, getting the mail, being around people, etc.

I am also thinking that the TrueHope vitamin supplements I’m taking may be kicking in as well. I don't think I'd be accomplishing so much if I was feeling like I was in the beginning of the summer. In fact, doing the Big List made me realize how much stuff I was not doing (which you would kind of assume since I was having trouble with basic daily life skills); I hadn't realized just how much I'd let go.

PESTS: Called the pest man to handle our severe mouse infestation. Set up a time and had him visit (this is relatively stressful for me since I have been so withdrawn lately). Came up with a plan to get rid of mice. Scheduled the work to be done. I had been procrastinating about this and just cleaning up the mouse poo and having LoveHubbie catch them with humane mouse traps. Not a good solution though, as it was ineffective. The pest man deals with these things better.

MONEY: Talked to my chiropractor about a bill that I thought was way too high (he came after me for what the insurance didn’t pay, which was a lot, and the per visit charge was astronomic), came up with a plan of how to handle chiropractic visits in the future, including limiting them. Confrontations with people I feel as though I’m dependent on are difficult for me, although normal confrontations aren’t.

BOUNDARY: Set a boundary and held to it, despite guilting from the party dealing with the consequences. I set some other boundaries and didn’t keep them but I’m making progress.

PAID WORK: Spent time working with problems that suddenly came up in LoveHubbie’s office, including a tense meeting with an employee. This was especially stressful because I don’t like the environment there (too hectic, tense and chaotic) and it takes me on-site and away from home.

DRESS: Dressed in a snazzy way for three days in a row, because one of the items on my Big List is : “Be proud of being big and of taking up space with my beauty.” That’s even hard to write but I’m working on believing it.

ASSERTIVENESS: Was blamed for something relatively small in public by someone and stood up for myself, although it would have been easier to just overlook it. The person was trying to avoid responsibility, and wanted to look better by blaming the problem on me. I gave them the responsibility right back, which ended the matter. Later I asked for an apology and received it.

DECLUTTERING: Took on piles and piles of paperwork and stacks of ignored items that have been piling up for several months due to depression. All are now organized on The Big List. Many have been discarded. The important ones will be accomplished or tossed.

SPIRITUAL DIRECTION: I began spiritual direction this week, definitely a BE BRAVE activity. I am ambivalent about it at this point, and I’m not certain I’m comfortable with it for the long term. However, it is a relief and a joy to talk to someone about my spiritual life. It’s hard to fit the amount of information I want to share into a 50 minute session, so I need to be patient. My spiritual director wants me to sit outside on my deck and breathe in and out saying a mantra; this fits my needs well, but is definitely another BE BRAVE action, even though it is so simple. It’s hard for me to sit still without a book or audio or someone there to talk to. Hard, but good, I’m thinking. Probably just what I need.





~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

10 comments:

laundrygirl said...

You are great. (Those words don't fully express my appreciation for you.)
I am inspired and in awe of your courage. This has been such a hard week of being brave and so I needed to hear this, to read about how well you are doing. It encourages me!

thailandchani said...

It sounds wonderful! I'm curious about your clothing choices. I envision you as being very Bohemian.. with lots of gauze, flowing skirts and embellished tops. Interesting jewelry.

Sorry.. I know this is a rather shallow comment - but, you know, I'm a clothes hound. :)

~*

Patti said...

I imagine this all feels so good - to take charge of those nagging things.

Dressing well every day is so good for your 'personal power', even if you don't step outside the door.

Maybe you need a clothes shopping spree, one where you visit those bohemian shops and pick up a new scarf, some dangly earrings - whatever.... I need this too - now where's my list!

Rick Hamrick said...

What I'll bet will prove helpful is that you have taken care of some items which are likely in you line of sight every day, perhaps many times a day.

One of my self-assigned tasks for tomorrow is to break down into flats the several cardboard boxes, big ones, which have been at the bottom of our basement stairs for months. I know for a fact that I will love having more room at the foot of the stairs, so I will appreciate the completion of this task every day!

That's what I am imagining for you, O: appreciation every day for the clearing of items in places your eye catches often. It's like rewarding yourself over and over for a task completed.

Olivia said...

Kristine,

Thank you for your kind words and support; I'm so glad that I helped you even a little bit! Much love, O

Olivia said...

Chani,

Not shallow at all; I'll post a picture of me wearing some clothes that are really "me". Right now I'm always in jeans and a nice top with a necklace and earrings, because that's what I have that fits. However, normally my dress is...well I'll post a pic :) Love, O

Olivia said...

Patti, It does, it does, it's a burden off my shoulders. I agree with what you say about dress, absolutely. I like your idea about a spree! Love, O

Olivia said...

Rick,

Thank you, yes indeed. I like what you are imagining for me, too. Yes it is like rewarding myself over and over again! Thanks for "getting it", Rick! Love, O

kikipotamus said...

Wow, Olivia, you inspire me so much. These are all such good steps. Whoever this spiritual director is, she or he sounds very wise indeed. I agree that the fact that it strikes you as challenging means it's one of the most needed things.

Patience in the relationship and unfolding slowly is really important. That is the only way to build a solid relationship on trust...slowly. I will send you some patient energy. :)

Olivia said...

Kelly,

I'm so glad, thank you right back! And thank you for sending patient energy and support! Love, O