Saturday, August 30, 2008

Being Brave: Post 16: Not Knowing

I am typing today's post not really knowing ahead of time what I want to blog about or how to do it in order to still share with you, yet protect confidentiality and privacy. I wish that I could write more about my ordeal. It is a time of healing right now for me, a time of forgiveness, and a time of learning new ways of living.

The hard part about this is that I don't know if we all are going to make it through together. I can just focus on myself; in fact I need to, or I won't make it through. I have a spiritual perspective and some fine support and I think I'm going to be okay. But I don't know if we all are.

I am healing. And I don't know what my life will be like in a few days, weeks, or months. It puts me in a situation where the only way I can survive psychologically is to live in the moment. Today. This is a good place to be, although scary---on and off---as I waver and almost...but not quite...fall.

As much as you can believe for yourself and have faith for yourself, you can't really do it for someone else, unfortunately. It is terrible to watch someone you care for make choices that could lead to loss and pain. To see them turn away from offered love and health and blessing and from your arms as shelter from the storm. To offer them the biggest and best things you could ever give them---to offer them your self and your heart---and to still have them question if you love them, or maybe even worse, if they love you.

It does feel good to feel though. And to do the absolute best you can. And to trust that God is always there, that the Universe is safe and good and will always take care of you. To trust that love is what is truly real. And to know that reality is what you will accept---not wishes, or dreams, or fantasies, but reality.

And to know you will be okay not matter what.


Lori-Lyn said...

Peace and blessings to you ~

laundrygirl said...

Yes, You will be ok no matter what.
Sounds like you are going through so much and I can relate to the matter of awkwardness in knowing what to blog and the parts of our lives that are too personal to share in the arena. Just know that my heart goes out to you and I am thinking of you, praying for you and wishing you well...

Kate I said...

I think when we get to where you are now, we really do begin to understand that we'll truly be matter what. It's a good place to be, even though the road there can be painful.

Sending loving thoughts to you Olivia.

Rick Hamrick said...

Love and peace to you, my friend.

Jessie said...

it's a pretty amazing feeling to realize that, no matter how bad stuff gets, we really be ok, no matter what.

i love you, dear friend. and am sending hugs.

peace to you,

Claire said...

thinking of you with love, dear olivia xxx

thailandchani said...

Yes, one way or another, we always end up okay. It doesn't seem that way in the moment - but there's a wisdom out there greater than our own, even when it doesn't seem present right at that time.


Patti said...

You are living in that liminal space - on the threshold of 'what happens next', whatever that may be. (although that's life in a nutshell isn't it?) Living each moment as it comes seems to me like a good approach.

I read a book once called 'This Book Will Save Your Life' by A.M. Homes. The title sounds dramatic, but the story reminds me of the essence of your post - that we all have dramas, big and small in our lives and that no matter what happens, the universal spirit is always there, extending a helping hand to us.

Stay with it Olivia :)

Karen said...

I'll be thinking of you--lots of love and hugs coming your way...

Kikipotamus said...

Olivia, you just amaze me. You are doing so well in the face of such upheaval. You are wise and brave and so sane. You are tapping into your higher wisdom. My heart and love go out to you.

It really is the hardest thing, isn't it, watching someone else turn away from what is wise and healthy and good for them?

Hug, big hug. K

Olivia said...

Thank you, Lori-Lyn.

And Kristine. I am with you as you sail through trouble waters as well.

And Kate I. You are so right. The road may be hard, but reality is a very, very good place.

Rick. Thank you. I need both, and receive it appreciatively. The love and the peace!

Jessie, thank you. And for the hugs :)

Claire. Merci, merci beaucoup. For the thoughts and the love.

Chani. Yes. I really need to review this tonight.

Patti. Keeping my balance in liminal space. Yes!

Karen. Thank you, thank you.

Kelly. It is SO hard to watch someone turn away from everything, especially from love. It is like an early death in many ways. Thank you, hug back.

So much love to you all. Your love, thoughts, energies, and prayers sustain me,


yertle said...

This post really speaks to me. It is so authentic. Thank you for the reminder to focus on myself. If I don't I have nothing to give.

Much love and best wishes to you all.

Tami said...

Reality is a terrific word to use. I was around some people today who could use some of that!

Olivia said...

Thank you, yertle! You do SO MUCH, you do need to take care of yourself :) xxoo, O

Olivia said...

Yes, tami, I can identify with you, for sure! Peace, O