Thursday, June 25, 2009

Top of the Hilton

I've come to Seattle for a convention and am sitting up at the "top of the Hilton" typing this into my laptop. Someone just answered the phone here "top of the Hilton", which is just as spiffy as you'd imagine. I am enjoying becoming more and more location independent as I learn to use my Mac. This is the first time I've traveled with a laptop. It's just great.

I haven't gone to the convention yet. LoveHubbie is already there. I am feeling that hermit-like feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Like all I want to do is to be cloistered off alone with my art and my writing and no contact with the outside world for a few weeks. It is such a strong feeling. More than a craving--a feeling of desperation that I have to constantly fight.

I've been struggling with it for a few weeks, but it keeps building in intensity. 

My timing is so off. 

This is an important convention both for LoveHubbie and myself. Still, if I were alone, I'd just leave. Flee the city, go home, cancel everything and have a retreat. Forget the lost money, the missed workshops, the neglected relationships and never have a second thought about any of it. As it is, I'm choosing to stay so that LoveHubbie can feel supported and will stay as well. 

Hiding out in the hotel seems the best compromise at this point. Peppered with solitary walks, a visit to an art store, and maybe even a meal alone at Fresh Bistro, I'm hoping. If the weather holds, I'd really enjoy going to a local park. Alone. Revel in the peace. The smiles on people's faces. Little dogs. The cool air and overcast sky. Puget Sound. Vivid colors. Seagulls.

This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened. I keep hoping that someday I'll accept my reclusive nature and not put myself in situations that involve regular social interaction. Maybe that's the lesson I need to get today. As much as I want to be different, as much as I enjoy people, when I force myself to live a life of normal and natural social interactions, I end up folding and retreating. When I continue to strive and resolutely will myself through (an option I no longer take), I get sick. It's something I really don't want to accept. But this is a good time to work on accepting it, since fighting it and forcing myself to fit in just doesn't work.

11 comments:

kikipotamus said...

It does seem to take us a long, long, long time to learn to tune into what we need and then ask for it, demand it, settle for nothing less than it. Doesn't it? I am good at the tuning in part. I KNOW what I want and need. I suck at the follow through. Oh, but it is NOT TOO LATE. If we don't get it on try 3,312 the gosh, darnit, we can get it on try 3,313!!!

patti said...

If the feeling is strong enough to make you sick, listening to yourself is important. We all want to fit in with the rest of society and keep our families happy, but it is more realistic, I think, for both you and others to acknowledge that you function differently.

For me it is dance of sorts - needing people and advancing into the world, then being overwhelmed and retreating into my yoga and art, reading/writing again, then having enough of solitude and heading back off into the world again. I just go with it these days. Socialising can be stressful though at times and not many understand.

What fun tho, being Top of the Hilton!

Olivia said...

Very good point, Kelly. And you're right; it's never too late. Even after more than half a century. Thanks, sweetie, I've been thinking of you, O xo

Olivia said...

I think I do need to be realistic, Patti. Acceptance. This is so what I want. I appreciate your commenting as well today as you have so much going on as well. I have also been thinking of you, and it's great to see you here, O xo

Heather Plett said...

Oh I can TOTALLY understand that hermit-like feeling. I've been feeling the same way lately.

On the other hand, though, I remember being at a conference once where I felt that way, but I forced myself to go anyway and I ended up having this AMAZING connection with one of the conference presenters (I ended up crying on his shoulder for 10 minutes and it was so healing and beautiful) that had a life-changing impact on me. I hope that if you do bust out of that hotel room, you make some kind of unique and meaningful connection that makes it worth giving up your "hermit-hood" for.

Olivia said...

It's an interesting thing, isn't it, Heather? I have left to go on walks and to the lobby/lounge, but not to the convention itself. In the meantime, LoveHubbie is going and I'm reading twitters. It's giving me a chance to look at the resistance I have and why. I may still go, two days left to consider :) Your experience sounds beautiful. xo, O

Angela said...

What kind of convention is it, Olivia? Does that maybe have something to do with your resistance? I applaud you for giving it your best shot and hope you won't berate yourself if you end up not attending any of it.

Love you!

Olivia said...

Yes, Angela. It's a convention for the products I sell. Right now is the session about the new products being launched. I really want to be there, but not enough to actually go. There are 2000 people in the main room, large video screens where the speakers are featured, pump-it-up music, disco lights (as reported by LoveHubbie). As much as I certainly do love these products, they could be launching the cure for cancer, and I would just watch it on television later, no harm done.

I'm certainly not a salesperson or a rah-rah person. So I'm wondering if I can even do this at all, and feeling bad about all of the money we've spent to facilitate my business. This is just another thing I've tried to do and failed because of because of my personality.

So I'm thinking that I need to go with my reclusive personality instead of against it in the future. Just accept it. And you're right, the challenge is not beating myself up. No reason to, of course, just habit...

I appreciate your support, Angela. I continue to take inspiration from your journey, especially your sobriety and courage.

Love you too, O

andrea said...

I came here from Kelly's blog and immediately sense a kindred spirit as I have been feeling exactly the smae lately. I'll be back!

Olivia said...

Andrea, welcome to the happyluau, and it's always nice to hear that someone else feels this way too. It helps with the "feel-like-a-freak" factor. Please do return. I visited your web site and your art is gorgeous. Many blessings, Olivia

Jane said...

O,

Maybe it's the Libra in me; I don't know. But I've been seeking balance in my life forever. Part of me loves to go out and meet new people by myself and the other part would be happy living in Montana with no connection to the outside world. There never seems to be an inbetween place. When I get really down with myself, I remember to be gentle and accept that I'm just wired this way.