Friday, May 16, 2008

Breathing Alone in Bellevue

If you haven't been reading my blog, this is a continuing saga that will make more sense if you read first this, then this, and finally this.

I never did go back to my seminar. I'd decided not to after my Wednesday night experience. Good, you say. I know, I hear you!

But I still had to talk to LoveHubbie and tell him that for right now the money he'd put out for the seminar was potentially lost. I'd bought the hotel room reservation over Priceline so I thought that the unused amount could be lost too. I did not expect him to be supportive but he was very supportive. Then I did all of the housekeeping stuff: withdrawing from the seminar, setting things up to get my money back (since I charged it on my credit card, thank goodness), trying to get the hotel remainder money back, talking to a doctor about my earache (which was still severe), getting my knee taken care of (I fell walking up some stairs too...don't ask) with a knee brace, ducking the cult calls and emails.

I wanted to emotionally recover and adjust. In a way that would help me to learn about resilience---which is, after all, my theme here. Little did I know that I wouldn't just study about it and think about it, but that I'd be challenged to exercise resilience!

What helped me the most was reading your comments, friends! They helped me along the way so much. It was healing to me to respond to each comment and think about it and integrate it into my experience so that I grow from this. My boundaries are obviously needing strengthening; I'd thought that after a strong cult background and a multitude of abusive relationships, I'd be beyond this, but alas! I still have lessons to learn.

I also decided to do something creative, which I will do soon and share with you. It's a surprise! I'm in Leah's Creative Every Day 2008 Challenge, and although I've been quiet about it, I've been getting a lot out of it and decided to really step out here. You'll see :) I want to Be Brave in a sensible, creative, healing way and then share it with you.

In the interests of resilience, I decided to stay and finish my "retreat". Mainly because I couldn't get my money back. But still. I could have gone home, but I've been writing productively on my book, and am treating myself to a hotel retreat. It feels very extravagant, but LoveHubbie is on board with it and supportive...and since the money is spent anyway, it makes sense. I am working four hours a day and enjoying every minute of it. I want to keep this habit up when I go home.

It's fun because there is nothing to do but write or take breaks. I can still exercise and do yoga (albeit with a knee brace)..there are some poses that work. I can still walk (albeit slowly, with that dang knee brace) around downtown Bellevue. Lots of time to think, read, and nothing else to distract me. I just love it. Paradise!

And Kelly's breathing exercise from Eckhart Tolle still haunts me, and is the breathing exercise that after all is said and done most appeals to me...simply noticing my breathing as often as I remember. It's easy, simple, and free. And it works. And it has no creepy cult associated with it, either.

Thank you..everyone...those who commented and those who didn't...but especially those of you who cheered me on here. Know that your support made a huge difference to me.
~Photo from Cute Overload


Leah said...

oh gosh, olivia. that sounds like a very trying time. i'm proud of you for standing up (literally) for yourself and taking care of yourself.

and i'm so glad the creativity stuff has been helpful. i can't wait to see what you've been up to!


Patti said...

It's all turning out for the best after all.

I look forward to seeing your creativeness at play. It's great for transmuting the icky stuff :)

Rick Hamrick said...

I'm happy for you that it worked out so that you could complete your retreat, even if you are allowing yourself to prove your resilience, your fortitude, and your courage perhaps to a level you did not consciously intend when you set out earlier in the week. Sometimes, the universe gets your intent and provides the experience you were only planning to read about!

You could have gone home, tail between legs, and why not? Your ear is aching, your knee hurts like crazy, and all your cult buttons have been pushed.

Not Olivia, though! No sir. She makes deliciously fresh lemonade from the lemon of a retreat others might see that this became.

You're making the best of it, O, and that's exactly where happiness and self-satisfaction are rooted: take what you have, and do the best you can with it. And then, give yourself the credit you have earned!

Olivia said...

Thanks Leah! I'm posting it soon. It wouldn't be much for some people, but for me it's definitely a stepping out in creativity!

Happy decluttering and shedding,


Olivia said...

Yes, indeed, Patti---transmutation rocks :)

Love and blessings,


Olivia said...


The universe is definitely in charge here, that's for sure. Thank you for your kind words and encouragment. That's what I'm trying to do, that's for sure :)

Peace and love,


Rick Hamrick said...


One last, sort-of-tough-love point:

You are not trying to do anything. You are DOING it.

I can see it from Denver! If you will give yourself one teeny bit more credit for the outcomes you are manifesting, you will see it, too.

It's not 'trying to do', Olivia. It's doing.

And you are!

Olivia said...

Gosh, Rick, your eye is very very sharp for detail. I said to myself, "Did I say that?" and sure enough (of course) I had.

Ok, here I'll give myself credit...That's what I'm doing, making delcious, fresh, ice-cold organic lemonade from my lemons!!

Thank you, as always, Rick :)



GreenishLady said...

I'm so glad you've still taken the time for a retreat that suits you, and serves you. Good for you!

Olivia said...

Thanks, was great! Good to see you, Blessings, O

Kim Mailhot said...

Thank God you used the law of two feet and used yours to get yourself out of that room ! It sounds like their eyes were closed in more ways than one ! I think you have more resilience than you know - just look at how you "sprung" back up after this challenge and set about doing what your spirit wanted, a retreat time for yourself but on your own terms ! Sounds like a magical experience in the end...
This is my first visit to your blog (I found you through Leah's - ain't she great?!) and I want to thank you for sharing this experience. For me it was the universe confirming to me that I need to keep walking my own walk, take what I need from the teachers that come along the way, refrain from worrying if I am doing it in the "right" way, and remember to breathe...
Thanks and enjoy your precious time...
PS - Isn't Bellevue the name of the big loony bin in New York ? Interesting....;-)

Olivia said...

You're welcome, Kim! I'm glad you found your way here. And yes, yes, I would absolutely take it as validation that you do need to just keep walking and not force things to strive to make anything happen. I know that I have been pushing too hard, which is my habit. I need to sit back and rest and let myself be nurtured and ministered to by the loving Universe instead of always pushing so hard to solve my many various problems.

Thank you for your encouraging words, and it's wonderful to meet you,

Blessings, Olivia

Anonymous said...

Olivia, It's funny you should say you thought that with your background you were beyond something like this. I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on a very strong and tenacious pattern in my own life and behaviour / choices. I always see afterward, "Oh, I did it again." But I NEVER see it coming. True, the version of the pattern is evolving each time and getting a bit closer to healthy each time, but it's still repeating after all these years. SIGH! Huge blind spot.

Olivia said...

That's how I experience it too, Kelly, but it really does make me feel SO much better that you do as well :) xxoo, O