Saturday, June 18, 2011

Floating In Limbo, Waiting, Learning...

It has been 17 days since I've last blogged and so much has happened, I hardly know how to catch up.

I've been "hanging in there", taking one day at a time, which for me is a triumph. I'm still here, and haven't fallen apart. Someone I care a great deal about is though (falling apart), health-wise and otherwise, making decisions that have really painful consequences. I've been working to take care of myself, to not be controlling (as much as I know how to do, a skill that I am continuing to hone daily) or interfering beyond sharing my concerns and offering my support. I've been working to not try to plan for the future, as it feels as though I'm standing on sand that is shifting below my feet and it's all I can do to not fall down or sink.

This takes up most of my life energy, of course. I don't have much creative mojo for writing or art. I know it will come back when there is the space for it.

I've missed Sacred Life Sundays, although life feels so sacred to me every single day. I feel blessed in so many ways and very happy to be alive. Happy to see.

I've missed Share the Joy Thursdays; I haven't been able to share the joy with you all, but have felt your joy as I've visited your blogs, usually not commenting, but not wanting to lose touch as I ride my roller coaster of a life. I've felt joy through much of my own each day as well, especially in the small things.

I've missed Wellness Wednesdays, but other than problems with minor anxiety-related things (e.g., insomnia, blepharospasm, globus hystericus, panic attacks, migraines, etc.), I've been remarkably healthy, one of the greatest blessings of all. I somaticize a lot, and these are things I've dealt with in the past in a less concentrated and less intense way and don't consider serious--just warning signs that my body is trying to process everything and is having difficulty. I do heed them, though, and am really focused on getting through this time. Sometimes I don't think I have the skills but really I know I do.

This weekend I'm doing the prep for a colonoscopy, which I'm having on Monday. I had one that was unsuccessful two years ago and have been working up the courage to repeat it. This definitely qualifies as a Be Brave challenge for me, as I dread them. For some weird reason, I really fear perforation of my colon--I'm actually phobic about it--but only during a colonoscopy, which limits the problem that it is in my life. It's pretty much the only thing I'm phobic about and I don't get colonoscopies. Except for this one on Monday.

Then right after the colonoscopy I'm off to my stepson's wedding. My husband is the groom's father. The rest of the family--the engaged couple, the bride's parents and the groom's mother and stepfather--have primarily been involved in the planning, not us. We are paying for part of it and are invited to much of it. It will be great for LoveHubbie to see his family, especially his adult children, and get to meet everyone--the bride and her parents, especially. It's in Texas.

In this post, I think I'm not saying more than I'm saying, but I know you will understand and hear.


patti said...

Life does throw us a lot at once sometimes and I'm glad to hear you've been riding it out reasonably well, even though it has been consuming your energy so much.

Good luck with the colonoscopy, I'm sure all will be well there too O.

And lastly, relax and enjoy Texas!

Anonymous said...

Olivia, Thank you for letting us know why we hadn't heard from you. I will be sending you lots of love energy. Let me know if you want to Skype one night soon. Even tonight would be fine.

CrystalChick said...

It sounds like you are going through alot of different things now. Just taking one day at a time is all you can do.

I saw my gastro specialist recently and may have to go for another colonoscopy in the near future. The last one I had quite a few years ago was unsuccessful also and I know too well how hard it is to go back in again. But if my doctor recommends it I will.

Hope you have a good trip and can enjoy the wedding.
I'll be thinking of you. :)

Cinner said...

Life sounds hectic with a lot going on, Sending you prayers for Monday, they are no fun...I have only ever had one. I hope you enjoy the wedding and are able to enjoy the day. I hope you are feeling better soon. sending a hug your way.

Kate said...

Sending love and energy your way. I hope your time at the wedding goes well and your medical procedures go simple and easy for you.

Much Love,


rebecca said...

dear olivia,

your picture speaks volumes...all the flickers of light and colour that comprise our world in the form of our compassionate inclusion of each. how they light up the tapestry of our lives transforming dark quiet into bursts of opening flowers.

all flowers...yet sometimes the unfolding is marked with great trials and tribulations.

hold strong on firm ground...knowing that you are loved. that this too shall pass...that it is the duality of lives lived, even the garden wrestles with death and ruin.

holding you believing in your ability to stand firm and know peace.

Olivia said...

Thank all of you, precious friends, for your support. I treasure it and you, xoO

Seeking Simplicity said...

Olivia: Since I'm 55 I need to get a colonoscopy. My Mom had some cancerous polps..and I really need to schedule that appt. But I've been putting it off for several years.

I wondered and have been worried about you since I haven't seen any new postings.

I hope you and LoveHubbie will have some relaxing happy moments at the wedding of your stepson.

Please take good care of yourself. We love you!


Anonymous said...

Olivia, I hope your colonoscopy went as easily as possible. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event and I hope that was true for you.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time recently but it sounds like you're "facing in the right direction", staying afloat and finding your way, even if it's moment by moment. I admire your bravery and courage to emanate the truth of who you are under difficult cirumstances. I'm sending my love and support and even though it's coming from a distance, it's still very, very real and most sincere.

Have a good visit with family O, and enjoy the Texan heat!

sarah said...

you're picture is says so much without needing any words.....Stay strong okay...and safe.

Jane said...


Life is funny...I used to worry about every disease and condition under the sun...except for colon issues and then, WHAM, one day out of left field I get Diverticulitis. I know the colonoscopy is coming. I have an appointment with the colon surgeon on Thursday. At this point, it is elective but my case was bad enough that deep down inside I know the right thing to do is to have it surgically corrected. One day at a time, that's all we can face. I've heard every horrible colonoscopy story there is and almost everyone says it's the prep that is the worst.

Hang in there and stay strong.

Olivia said...

Thank you so much everyone, for your support. I was so glad to get your comments when I got back home a couple of days ago. I'll be posting soon.

EB, you are so young, not time yet for a colonoscopy :) Seriously, mine went very well. And the prep was easier than I'd anticipated.

Jane, it might be like mine and easier than you think...I hope this for you.

Thank you Sarah, there is so much I cannot say. I will post soon. Many, many things have been happening, and they have been so challenging, but I've had the strength to deal with them--God is with me--I couldn't have done this a year ago.

Thank you again, everyone, for your support.

Much love,