Floating In Limbo, Waiting, Learning...

It has been 17 days since I've last blogged and so much has happened, I hardly know how to catch up.

I've been "hanging in there", taking one day at a time, which for me is a triumph. I'm still here, and haven't fallen apart. Someone I care a great deal about is though (falling apart), health-wise and otherwise, making decisions that have really painful consequences. I've been working to take care of myself, to not be controlling (as much as I know how to do, a skill that I am continuing to hone daily) or interfering beyond sharing my concerns and offering my support. I've been working to not try to plan for the future, as it feels as though I'm standing on sand that is shifting below my feet and it's all I can do to not fall down or sink.

This takes up most of my life energy, of course. I don't have much creative mojo for writing or art. I know it will come back when there is the space for it.

I've missed Sacred Life Sundays, although life feels so sacred to me every single day. I feel blessed in so many ways and very happy to be alive. Happy to see.

I've missed Share the Joy Thursdays; I haven't been able to share the joy with you all, but have felt your joy as I've visited your blogs, usually not commenting, but not wanting to lose touch as I ride my roller coaster of a life. I've felt joy through much of my own each day as well, especially in the small things.

I've missed Wellness Wednesdays, but other than problems with minor anxiety-related things (e.g., insomnia, blepharospasm, globus hystericus, panic attacks, migraines, etc.), I've been remarkably healthy, one of the greatest blessings of all. I somaticize a lot, and these are things I've dealt with in the past in a less concentrated and less intense way and don't consider serious--just warning signs that my body is trying to process everything and is having difficulty. I do heed them, though, and am really focused on getting through this time. Sometimes I don't think I have the skills but really I know I do.

This weekend I'm doing the prep for a colonoscopy, which I'm having on Monday. I had one that was unsuccessful two years ago and have been working up the courage to repeat it. This definitely qualifies as a Be Brave challenge for me, as I dread them. For some weird reason, I really fear perforation of my colon--I'm actually phobic about it--but only during a colonoscopy, which limits the problem that it is in my life. It's pretty much the only thing I'm phobic about and I don't get colonoscopies. Except for this one on Monday.

Then right after the colonoscopy I'm off to my stepson's wedding. My husband is the groom's father. The rest of the family--the engaged couple, the bride's parents and the groom's mother and stepfather--have primarily been involved in the planning, not us. We are paying for part of it and are invited to much of it. It will be great for LoveHubbie to see his family, especially his adult children, and get to meet everyone--the bride and her parents, especially. It's in Texas.

In this post, I think I'm not saying more than I'm saying, but I know you will understand and hear.