I'm back to blogging after a what feels like very long 17 day hiatus. It's felt like months. I miss all of you. I've been keeping up with your blogs, but having some trouble commenting as I like to. And of course, been stalled totally in my blogging.
I easily recovered from the gastroenteritis I had days ago. But I'd had two group activities around the same time that shook my sense of self and made me wonder about fitting in, being separate from others, how I relate and project my own feelings onto others, and more. It made me wonder about what I have to offer others, and this self-questioning made it hard for me to blog. I contracted my life and withdrew into myself. To process, to heal. I'm fine now, but I think this was just something I had to go through.
I say "had to" because I really am determined to try to figure out a way that I can form local community. And in order to do this I'm going to have to overcome the obstacles I've built to being with other people. At this point, I would almost say I'm desperate for community. I absolutely love the fantastic community I have here online, and it has changed my life; it is incredibly precious to me. I just would like to be able to have local companionship sometimes---say if I want to go out to eat, or go for a walk, or have tea with someone. As much as I enjoy being alone (and I really, really do, because this is where I gain energy and feed myself spiritually), I also enjoy being with others, so have lately been taking steps that are new and challenging to me.
Then, as I've encountered the inevitable obstacles I've been stopped flat by my fear, instead of being resilient and persevering. Instead of taking things lightly. I have such a strong inclination to stand apart from others, and to take other people's reactions very personally. To perceive rejection where there is none. Or to be rejecting myself and yet to see it as my being rejected.
It's just been a lifelong inability I've had to connect in a group. In the past, I've sometimes joined "instant communities"---communities that are already there where I'd certainly be welcomed regardless of who I was (like churches or multi-level marketing groups) as long as I tried to fit in and act like everyone else. Find out the rules, and then conform. Agree. Nod. Act like everyone else. That was be easier for me than going out and learning about myself in a group, building the
But I'm too old for that short cut now. It's not even really a short cut, of course, but a false path to what I want.
I feel very comfortable with who I am and know that not everyone will like me. I'm totally okay with that. I've studied group dynamics and have a lot of head knowledge about how to relate to others. It's just that the doing of this, the persevering and the sorting through situations and groups and people, dealing with the emotions---this has been something I've not pushed myself to do. Because of this. Because of the growing up I'd have to do.
So now I'm being brave. And working on growing up. And back to blogging.