Wellness Wednesday: Time Abundance

Writing what I did yesterday, I know that time abundance is the answer to what I struggle with. I masqueraded as a life coach in a former life, after all! I know that our perspective on time is all between our ears. However, it still is a major challenge for me.

I appreciated the blog series that Patti recommended in the comments. It's a four part series on The Elasticity of Time at Marelisa Online here. This led me to do a search on "time abundance" on Google, where I found this book, called "The Power of Slow: 101 Ways to Save Time in Our 24/7 World" by Christine Hohlbaum. It's a new book that just came out yesterday, and unlike many of the books I've read, it goes beyond the philosophy of time abundance and the whole Slow Movement and into practical and concrete ways of implementing mindfulness and the philosophy of slow. If you want to find out more about the book, look inside it on Amazon. Also, you can visit Christine's blog, The Power of Slow, and follow her on Twitter.

I'd love to hear from you in the comments on any thoughts or ideas or reflections you have on time abundance.

I'm So Greedy

I've had an interesting couple of days here. It is mushroom season in Washington where I live, which means that here in the forest, mushrooms sprout up like you wouldn't believe and people go "shrooming". These people study so that they can correctly identify edible mushrooms, as a mistake can be disasterous. Yesterday someone I trust picked me some chanterelle mushrooms from the side of my driveway and I had them for dinner cooked in butter with a little salt. I cooked them really well. Now normally I wouldn't even try this (LoveHubbie wouldn't even think of it) but this shrooming friend teaches wild food foraging, so I thought I'd take a risk and enjoy the lovely chanterelles. I ate them all in one sitting as the mainstay of my dinner, with just a little chicken on the side. They were SO good. And then (you already know this is coming) I spent today nursing a migraine all day until tonight. The good news is that I'm fine now and didn't get deathly sick or die. But the bad news is that it was one of those "lost" days. Handling the migraine was all I could manage.

Lost days are tough for me because I'm time-greedy. Really really greedy. Like some people are for money. I'm really that bad. I love when other people cancel appointments with me and are grateful that I understand...it is so easy for me to understand, because they've given me a gift. It's like found money, just out of nowhere and I can do whatever I want with it.

I'm not a thief, but I would steal time if I could. I don't know how that would happen, but if I could figure out how I probably would.

I guard my time. I am a generous person in many ways, but not with time. I find it almost impossible to volunteer for things, which I'm ashamed of, but there it is. I admire people who give their time away, because they are truly generous, as time is so precious it can never be replaced, whereas money can be.

I marvel at people who get bored. I cannot relate to this at all. There are so many wonderful things to do, and so little time--in my experience.

I would like to feel "time abundant". It's quite doable for me to feel abundant when it comes to finances, or to health, or with respect to relationships. But time abundance still eludes me.

What do you think about time-greediness? Can you relate?

Back to Blogging II

For those of you who missed it, I had a post yesterday, too, a movie that didn't work at first, but now does. Just scroll down or see it here. Love to all, O

Sacred Life Sunday: Ch-Ch-Changes!

It is really good to be back to blogging and to be hearing from friends again. For a long time I've felt like I've had nothing substantial to say, so I've been quiet here. Mostly, I've been dealing with things that are either dark and/or hard to blog about because they involve other people. My vacation was wonderful and healing, as always, but it didn't leave me able to open up much until and yesterday...for some reason I felt like I was ready to dive in again and share, instead of just reading about all of your lives.

In the three weeks since I've been back from Maui I've made quite a few changes. One has been that I've gone from being a blonde back to my original hair color (dark brown) leaving just some blonde highlights. For some reason I just feel like a brunette now.

Another change is that I have given up drinking. I love-love-love to drink wine, but I have lots of health problems that make giving it up a good thing to do for now. In addition, I've recently returned to a pretty restrictive diet, one that will help my blood sugar levels, which have also become problematic. I've always eaten healthfully and cleanly, so I've chosen to start a "paleo" diet; that along with the temperance have been helpful, although quite a major lifestyle change. I hope I can keep both up.

This latest time I took anti-depressants (it was the second time) I gained about the same amount of weight as before---I'm guessing perhaps 25-40 pounds or so. I don't weight myself (on purpose) so I'm not sure. Thus, I'm grateful to have withdrawn from them totally in Hawaii, and hope to be able to stay healthy without them. I'm excited to be able to finally stop gaining weight and even to have a chance to work to lose the extra pounds.

There are some other changes that I'll write about in subsequent days :)

Back to Blogging

I've long since come back from vacation (three weeks ago) and have finally returned to blogging. I hope you enjoy this 4:07 movie!

Quick Health Note: Take Probiotics With Antibiotics

Now there are good reasons to take probiotics with antibiotics, discussed in this article in The Health Insider. I take probiotics every day, but never with antibiotics, thinking that the antibiotics would kill off all the probiotics. No, they still help, apparently.

Just thought I'd share this little tidbit with you. It's a bit off the beaten path for happyluau, but not for me personally. I have a huge interest in alternative health, am a foodie, have been a raw foodist, and do my best now to follow clean and healthy and enjoyable eating!




~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

Facebook Privacy

Here is a very useful article for those of you who are on Facebook, but who know little about Facebook privacy. If you aren't on Facebook yet, but are considering being there, check it out as well. I love Facebook---a lot! but it is important to be aware of the risks and precautions to take. If you don't have time to read a whole book or even a book chapter, spend a few minutes reading this.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark in Kauai

Wellness Wednesday: An Unusual Birthday Gift

Today is my birthday, and I celebrate today by acknowledging YOU, who have each and all helped make my past year the wonderful year it was! I reread the comments on my last post and felt so affirmed and blessed that each of you is a part of my community.

Today something important happened that I am now celebrating, something that is not traditional birthday fare.

One is that I stood up for myself with someone who does not value who I am. It was very, very hard, but it was one of those situations where I didn't make a decision---something primal just rose up in me that refused to accept being consistently treated in a poor way. It reminded me of a situation years ago with my mother.

My mother was my primary abuser as a child. One day, after 16 years of physical and verbal abuse almost on a daily basis, instead of hiding the bruises, I put on a dress (in those days you wore dresses to school, not pants!) with a lower neckline that showed the bruises where she had tried to strangle me the night before. I even pulled my long brown hair back into a ponytail so that the bruises could not be missed. I didn't decide to do this consciously; it just happened. For years I had hid the marks---for my whole life. I knew that was what you were supposed to do.

My teachers all asked me what had happened and I told them. I told them how she hit me all the time. How she screamed at me. Some days she beat me, as she'd say, "until I draw blood". My mother lost her job as the school truant officer. There were no other consequences, as it was a different time, but she never hit me again.

Back then, no one talked about child abuse. I don't think I had a conception of it as being "abuse". Something in me just finally knew that trying to strangle your daughter was wrong.

It was a very good feeling to stand up for myself. And when my mother died 6 years later, I didn't cry. I still have not cried, nor do I miss her.

So, standing up for myself was the absolute most important thing that I could have done for myself this year on my birthday. The feeling I have is one of sweet safety, holy self-care, the great kindness of the Universe, the incredible feeling of being loved by God and of knowing that His love is immense.

If any of you watched Saving Grace (my favorite television show) last night, the expression on Earl's face as he told Grace how much God loves her---this face, and what Earl said to her---it made such a deep impression that it carried me to a safe place, just as God carried Grace and Neely to safety in the show. It stayed with me through a difficult night. I don't think I will ever forget it.

So despite the unusual circumstances, it is truly a happy birthday for me. I feel those feelings---the feeling of "NO!" and the feeling of safety and love---and I would not exchange them for any other birthday gift at all.

I Wish I Were Patti Digh

Come on now, don't you? Patti is the hands-down heroine of my lovely online community, a well-deserved position. And it's her birthday today, too, so I thought I'd admit my secret longing.

I know it's not cool to compare yourself to other people, but I'm not cool, and I do it, even though I know how silly it is. I'd love to write like Lori-Lyn, or have the energy of Jessie or Jane. I'd love to be as smart and brave and well-loved as Kelly or as wise and profound as Chani. I long for the groundedness of Patti. I want the multiple successes of Heather. The ability to be the best friend in the world like Rick. The productivity and perseverance of Kate. The positivity of Carmen. The realness of Suzi. The raw talent and beautiful blog posting ability of Kim. I could go on but I won't.

Instead, I'm me. I am definitely not cool, am rarely funny, only occasionally witty, and just from time to time have profound things to say. Today it's enough, though, and I'm really happy just being Olivia. I admire my wonderful friends, all of you, and feel so blessed to have you in my life.

During this dark time, I wrote 37 ways I feel like a failure and then reframed them all. This was a very helpful exercise as these things were there, you know, even though I wouldn't admit to believing them--they were there. After having completed this exercise and purging those "forbidden" thoughts, I do feel much better. I also think that everyone feels this way from time to time.

I have had nothing whatsoever to say to anyone here on this blog, on Twitter, or in my real life. Nothing. Not even in my journal. Then this morning I got an email from a friend that was very real and admitted some struggles...something about it's realness and vulnerability helped me to crack open my thinking and writing block.

You know, in our community we write when we can uplift and encourage, or say something of "value", but less often or not at all when we are down. I think we feel some pressure, or at least I feel some pressure, okay, to deliver something of value or inspiration to those who read our blogs. I know that at times (like when I was a life coach) I felt a great obligation to deliver positivity and to role model for my clients.

I think I have gotten over this, in that now (after weeks of depletion, depression, and isolation) I would rather be real even in this despairing time. Some bloggers I know have done this well, like Suzi and Angela and Jane. I would rather have the courage and authenticity to cover the dark side of my life as well, as they do. I think they are brave.

I think that sometimes we are not authentic because we are afraid we will look weak or not be loved. At least this is why I withdraw from this, one of the best places of my life with the safest people I know.

Also, it is easy for me to write about things that are commonly held values, but harder for me to write about things that are not. For example, I would feel comfortable writing about fantastic drumming at church, but not about amazing worship at church. It's very silly, considering the safety of this community, and it has astounded me how I am still such a slave to social conformity and social approval.

It reminds me of the time years ago when LoveHubbie and I were fundamentalist Christians. I was afraid to let my friends know that I loved labyrinths and drank wine, and that LoveHubbie secretly listened to NPR in his car. We'd never let anyone know that we did such things. We have blamed this on "the fundies" as we later called scornfully called them, but in reality it was our own desperate need for social approval fueling our desire to conform.

It is easier here to write about nature, our art, mindfulness and acceptance, celebrations and family, and harder to write about things like hunting, failure, neediness and wanting to be stroked, admiring Sarah Palin, bankruptcy, black moods, Jesus, mental illness, suicidal feelings, and cancer. I'll be mysterious here and admit to some but not all of these things.

The older I get, the more I want to be authentic. I hope that I am finding a good, sturdy and enduring way out of my dark cloud. Today is a good day. I got out of bed and am having a Sacred Sunday and a true day too. I am at last able to connect in some way with all of you. I am totally fine--totally fantastic, actually--being me, and even fine wanting to be Patti Digh. I am able to see and taste of some of the sweetness of life.

And thank you, my good friend, for opening up a little more to me, and for provoking me to open up more myself.

I'm Still Here

I am still here on the planet, just struggling a bit lately with depression. I extended my staycation, and am still staycating.

I saw this on Ken Robert's blog, Mildly Creative, and had to share it with you:

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

On Staycation

I have been on a staycation for the last week. I canceled all of my appointments, told people who understood that I was having a retreat/staycation, and everyone else that I was "on vacation". It's been exactly what I needed, just wish it was a little longer, like another week.

I felt like things were spiraling out of control in my life and that my priorities were becoming confused. I was very disconnected from any self-care, including not getting enough rest, and most importantly, had started to feel "that hermit thing" I get again. "That hermit thing" is an intense and desperate desire to be alone, totally alone. It's almost a phobia but maybe not quite. Or maybe it is a phobia. It's definitely a strong, screaming sound from my body and mind that I've been pushing too hard too long.

This overwhelmed time coincided with my company's national convention at the end of June, which I was able to force myself to go to, but not to attend any of the conference itself. I describe it here. I knew I needed to take this time for a staycation, with the hope that I would be back to normal by next week. I don't think that's going to happen, but I'm certainly much better. I'm going to keep a skeleton schedule until I can get to a place of comfort and healthy functionality.

So for the last five days, I thought I'd do nothing at all. Instead, I ended up immersing myself spiritually so that I can feel like I live from Spirit again. I think that this is my most important need and will carry me through life in a very different way. I had really drifted to a place of surviving, striving, struggling. So having an intense spiritual focus was SO good. I read a lot, walked outside, drove around and though, spent some time in my garden, listened to spiritual things online, and more.

I have also been thinking about my life, about what direction I have been moving in.

I temporarily (at least) gave my business to LoveHubbie. It's just one more thing he doesn't have time for, but since he thrives on frenetic activity he is going about it with gusto and success. If it wasn't my business, he'd have added something else. He adds, adds, adds, and likes it that way. I am very grateful that all of my hard work didn't go down the drain.

I want to return to writing. I want to commit to some aspect of it but am not ready yet. I'm excited about the possibilities here.

I think that this hermit thing is a part of my personality that I need to embrace instead of constantly fight. I thought that with the supplements and hormones I was taking it was gone for good, but it wasn't. I really enjoyed the social interaction I had until it hit again. Now, I surrender. I just want to find a way to work with it. I've been looking back at myself as a child, in college, and later in jobs, and realized that it has always been there and I've always fought it in super-unhealthy ways.

Now I think I'm older, wiser, and stronger, perhaps I can accept myself and turn this into a gift and a blessing. This is my hope and my desire.

Sacred Life Sunday: Hidden Writing in Wreck This Journal

I just noticed that there have been 600 posts at the happyluau. That seems like quite a few, but my first post was 2 1/2 years ago...

Everything I post here is written with you, my readers, in mind. Everything I write in my journal is written for myself, but always with the thought in the back of my mind that someone someday could find it. Since starting Wreck This Journal, I've discovered something fascinating---that there is so much more I want to write, and I can write it on WTJ pages that are hidden from everyone. Like this:

I have been very quiet in the WTJ group lately, not posting in a few weeks, mainly because these pages with hidden writing are not very exciting on the surface, especially when compared to the many creative things all of you are doing. My very favorite post so far was Suzie's baking her journal in a cake! Compared to amazing things like this, a compulsion to write all over the printed pages in WTJ with hidden writing didn't seem that special or blogworthy. Then I listened to Jamie's video about comparisons and being comfortable with where we were in our process. I realized that this writing is significant to me, so that it's exactly what I should be doing right now.

Thus I'm continuing to write, write, write many things on those pages. No one can go back and read them, even me. It's very freeing, and what is coming out is surprising. I censor myself far too much in my journal; I do think that this process is helping me to be freer in what I write. And to admit things to myself that I have been resisting and holding back about.

I'm writing this on Sacred Sunday because I think that everyone can benefit from writing in this way. If you don't have a WTJ, just write on some newpaper or discarded artwork or in a book or anything really...something that noone will be able to read. And I think that like me, you may be surprised at what comes out.

Sacred Sunday is for me a day of rest and contemplation, and a perfect time to do this sort of writing. I hope that you may find it so as well.

Top of the Hilton

I've come to Seattle for a convention and am sitting up at the "top of the Hilton" typing this into my laptop. Someone just answered the phone here "top of the Hilton", which is just as spiffy as you'd imagine. I am enjoying becoming more and more location independent as I learn to use my Mac. This is the first time I've traveled with a laptop. It's just great.

I haven't gone to the convention yet. LoveHubbie is already there. I am feeling that hermit-like feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Like all I want to do is to be cloistered off alone with my art and my writing and no contact with the outside world for a few weeks. It is such a strong feeling. More than a craving--a feeling of desperation that I have to constantly fight.

I've been struggling with it for a few weeks, but it keeps building in intensity. 

My timing is so off. 

This is an important convention both for LoveHubbie and myself. Still, if I were alone, I'd just leave. Flee the city, go home, cancel everything and have a retreat. Forget the lost money, the missed workshops, the neglected relationships and never have a second thought about any of it. As it is, I'm choosing to stay so that LoveHubbie can feel supported and will stay as well. 

Hiding out in the hotel seems the best compromise at this point. Peppered with solitary walks, a visit to an art store, and maybe even a meal alone at Fresh Bistro, I'm hoping. If the weather holds, I'd really enjoy going to a local park. Alone. Revel in the peace. The smiles on people's faces. Little dogs. The cool air and overcast sky. Puget Sound. Vivid colors. Seagulls.

This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened. I keep hoping that someday I'll accept my reclusive nature and not put myself in situations that involve regular social interaction. Maybe that's the lesson I need to get today. As much as I want to be different, as much as I enjoy people, when I force myself to live a life of normal and natural social interactions, I end up folding and retreating. When I continue to strive and resolutely will myself through (an option I no longer take), I get sick. It's something I really don't want to accept. But this is a good time to work on accepting it, since fighting it and forcing myself to fit in just doesn't work.

Wellness Wednesday: Everything Will Be Alright

This picture is from Amanda at kind over matter, was originally uploaded by thejoysofjess and beautifully says my thoughts and wishes and prayers for you on this Wellness Wednesday!

Sacred Sunday: Right Work

Today I wanted to share my news with you. As many of you may have already guessed, it's related to my job.

I've previously written about the difficulties I had working in an office setting here, and a bit here as well. A few more things happened at the office. One was that I was doing selling, which I dislike. When I finally would have an actual patient to work with, I would try to convince her to buy my products. This involved a lot of persuasion and overcoming objections and such.

I can do this, but I do not enjoy it.

I can talk people into things, even things that are very good for them (in my opinion), but it seems to me to be a backwards way of doing relationship marketing. I wrote about developing relationships with the patients, and allowing the business activities to follow where indicated, but in that office setting only just so much of that could take place. Lately I'd been doing groups of about five women at a time, and with that many people, relationships take a bit longer to form. I was just doing a lot of selling.

The nature of my business is so very different. The products I promote are for people who value their health, and who are interested in aging in a certain way---consciously, as healthfully as possible, using as many natural ways as possible. If you're not there---if you're not interested in your health, if you don't particularly care how you age, and you don't want to invest any money in your health---then you're not a candidate for these products, really. If you want the allopathic medical system and health insurance to be your sole method of taking care of yourself, then good for you---but you won't want to buy my products. And that's fine with me! Not everyone is interested in health and nutrition. Many people want to let their physicians prescribe drugs for their chronic health conditions, which they see as inevitable and which they feel powerless to affect. I would rather accept these belief systems, which are very strong, and look for people who are already wellness-oriented and who are looking for solutions. I don't want to change people's belief systems or interfere with their readiness for anything on the particular path that they are on.

This makes traditional selling problematic. It violates some of my basic values, which are just accepting people where they are, and what they want for their lives. Rather than sell, I'd like to simply sort. Find the folks who are looking for what I have. No arm twisting involved. No making them wrong for not being into wellness right now. No telling them what they need. It just feels right to me.




So, bit by bit, I backed out of the job I had. This past week I only went in for group patient visits, and then decided even just that wasn't working for me. I was also making pitiful money, not even enough to cover my costs. I felt as though I was letting my physician friend down, but I knew it was the right thing for me to do. So I quit on Friday.

I love relationship marketing and I really love my products, but I want to be working in a way that is congruent with my values. I also want to balance my work with writing, art, friendships, and other self-care activities---these things make me feel whole---and picking just work alone while excluding the rest made me feel like someone I didn't know. Prioritizing these values and insisting on honoring them was a "Be Brave" type activity for me because I knew that backing out of this opportunity would be hard on various levels. I could be tempted (and was at first) to view it as "failure". Instead I choose to view it as success, because I learned so much about what integrity is for me in this context, and how to stand up for it. Some people did not understand, and I think never will, but that's okay with me.

So that's why I registered for Suzi Blu's class, too, and Wreck This Journal. And that's why I kept up on reading your blogs and blogging here. Even though I wore myself out. I couldn't, just couldn't---COULDN'T---not do these things. I felt like I was losing myself and becoming a saleswoman I didn't know or want to be. There is nothing at all wrong with being a saleswoman. It's just that I am not her.

So, that's my big news. I feel like I got my life back (and am incredibly grateful for it), and now want to revision what my business will be like in this new context. It is scary good. I have lots of disapproval from some important people in my life. And I feel very happy. Like myself. Like I believe in myself, too.



~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark