Sacred Life Sunday: Ch-Ch-Changes!

It is really good to be back to blogging and to be hearing from friends again. For a long time I've felt like I've had nothing substantial to say, so I've been quiet here. Mostly, I've been dealing with things that are either dark and/or hard to blog about because they involve other people. My vacation was wonderful and healing, as always, but it didn't leave me able to open up much until and yesterday...for some reason I felt like I was ready to dive in again and share, instead of just reading about all of your lives.

In the three weeks since I've been back from Maui I've made quite a few changes. One has been that I've gone from being a blonde back to my original hair color (dark brown) leaving just some blonde highlights. For some reason I just feel like a brunette now.

Another change is that I have given up drinking. I love-love-love to drink wine, but I have lots of health problems that make giving it up a good thing to do for now. In addition, I've recently returned to a pretty restrictive diet, one that will help my blood sugar levels, which have also become problematic. I've always eaten healthfully and cleanly, so I've chosen to start a "paleo" diet; that along with the temperance have been helpful, although quite a major lifestyle change. I hope I can keep both up.

This latest time I took anti-depressants (it was the second time) I gained about the same amount of weight as before---I'm guessing perhaps 25-40 pounds or so. I don't weight myself (on purpose) so I'm not sure. Thus, I'm grateful to have withdrawn from them totally in Hawaii, and hope to be able to stay healthy without them. I'm excited to be able to finally stop gaining weight and even to have a chance to work to lose the extra pounds.

There are some other changes that I'll write about in subsequent days :)

I Wish I Were Patti Digh

Come on now, don't you? Patti is the hands-down heroine of my lovely online community, a well-deserved position. And it's her birthday today, too, so I thought I'd admit my secret longing.

I know it's not cool to compare yourself to other people, but I'm not cool, and I do it, even though I know how silly it is. I'd love to write like Lori-Lyn, or have the energy of Jessie or Jane. I'd love to be as smart and brave and well-loved as Kelly or as wise and profound as Chani. I long for the groundedness of Patti. I want the multiple successes of Heather. The ability to be the best friend in the world like Rick. The productivity and perseverance of Kate. The positivity of Carmen. The realness of Suzi. The raw talent and beautiful blog posting ability of Kim. I could go on but I won't.

Instead, I'm me. I am definitely not cool, am rarely funny, only occasionally witty, and just from time to time have profound things to say. Today it's enough, though, and I'm really happy just being Olivia. I admire my wonderful friends, all of you, and feel so blessed to have you in my life.

During this dark time, I wrote 37 ways I feel like a failure and then reframed them all. This was a very helpful exercise as these things were there, you know, even though I wouldn't admit to believing them--they were there. After having completed this exercise and purging those "forbidden" thoughts, I do feel much better. I also think that everyone feels this way from time to time.

I have had nothing whatsoever to say to anyone here on this blog, on Twitter, or in my real life. Nothing. Not even in my journal. Then this morning I got an email from a friend that was very real and admitted some struggles...something about it's realness and vulnerability helped me to crack open my thinking and writing block.

You know, in our community we write when we can uplift and encourage, or say something of "value", but less often or not at all when we are down. I think we feel some pressure, or at least I feel some pressure, okay, to deliver something of value or inspiration to those who read our blogs. I know that at times (like when I was a life coach) I felt a great obligation to deliver positivity and to role model for my clients.

I think I have gotten over this, in that now (after weeks of depletion, depression, and isolation) I would rather be real even in this despairing time. Some bloggers I know have done this well, like Suzi and Angela and Jane. I would rather have the courage and authenticity to cover the dark side of my life as well, as they do. I think they are brave.

I think that sometimes we are not authentic because we are afraid we will look weak or not be loved. At least this is why I withdraw from this, one of the best places of my life with the safest people I know.

Also, it is easy for me to write about things that are commonly held values, but harder for me to write about things that are not. For example, I would feel comfortable writing about fantastic drumming at church, but not about amazing worship at church. It's very silly, considering the safety of this community, and it has astounded me how I am still such a slave to social conformity and social approval.

It reminds me of the time years ago when LoveHubbie and I were fundamentalist Christians. I was afraid to let my friends know that I loved labyrinths and drank wine, and that LoveHubbie secretly listened to NPR in his car. We'd never let anyone know that we did such things. We have blamed this on "the fundies" as we later called scornfully called them, but in reality it was our own desperate need for social approval fueling our desire to conform.

It is easier here to write about nature, our art, mindfulness and acceptance, celebrations and family, and harder to write about things like hunting, failure, neediness and wanting to be stroked, admiring Sarah Palin, bankruptcy, black moods, Jesus, mental illness, suicidal feelings, and cancer. I'll be mysterious here and admit to some but not all of these things.

The older I get, the more I want to be authentic. I hope that I am finding a good, sturdy and enduring way out of my dark cloud. Today is a good day. I got out of bed and am having a Sacred Sunday and a true day too. I am at last able to connect in some way with all of you. I am totally fine--totally fantastic, actually--being me, and even fine wanting to be Patti Digh. I am able to see and taste of some of the sweetness of life.

And thank you, my good friend, for opening up a little more to me, and for provoking me to open up more myself.

I'm Still Here

I am still here on the planet, just struggling a bit lately with depression. I extended my staycation, and am still staycating.

I saw this on Ken Robert's blog, Mildly Creative, and had to share it with you:

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

Trusting Ourselves

I am so psyched about getting my hormones checked that I can't stand it. I got all of my paperwork ready today. I am wearing down, slowly, bit by bit each day, hanging on until Tuesday. The recent Oprah shows on the subject (there have been three so far) made me aware that what I've been thinking has been depression, genetically low energy, and absolutely obscene introversion may actually be hormonal. I made my appointment after the first show and have been counting the days since then, buoyed on by the second and third show. So I'm having them checked (finally) on Tuesday by an MD who does bio-identical hormone replacement.

You would have thought that I'd have done this since I've not had a uterus for 7 years...I've been taking some progesterone, but just a small standard dose from a compounding pharmacy, and never had anything checked before. My regular physician doesn't believe in it, and has put me through trials of synthetic hormones I couldn't tolerate and a panel of various anti-depressants. Those had no effect except to promote my turbo weight gain (40 pounds in 4 months) over a year ago that still remains with me. I've been doing great emotionally on the TrueHope supplements I've written about here before, but energetically have been continuing to slide on down a hill that seems to have no bottom.

That slide has accelerated lately with my knee problems, and I've slowed way down physically, but most of the time have been doing fairly well emotionally because of the hope that this is what is wrong with me. Oprah featured ladies Skype-ing into the show who sounded word for word like me and who looked and felt like I look and feel now---worn out, worn down, and forcing ourselves to do each task of daily living.

I appreciate these Oprah shows because they bring attention to the problem of the under-diagnosis of women's hormone issues. Oprah feels very strongly about this. Even with her access to the finest medical care in the world, she struggled with getting her own unique diagnosis. She believes that women should take responsibility for their own well-being, do the research, and insist on a solution until they feel better. This was hard even for her to do. She went to several physicians, and finally nurses and other viewers who watched the show wrote in and steered her in the right direction.

Somewhere deep inside, I know that this is what is truly wrong with me---hormonal imbalance---and that I can probably pretty simply and easily (with a blood test) find out for certain. So that's what up for this week.

I don't want this to be a "downer" post---it's a big upper for me despite my utter and absolute fatigue---this will just make the diagnosis all the easier I'm thinking. I guess the point of all this is---if you feel like me, or like the women featured on Oprah, I want to encourage you to trust what you believe is wrong with you. To not just accept what someone tells you. Or if, like me, you try something, and you're wrong, not to feel badly about trying again. And then, if you have an inner knowing, to go with it. To trust the inner knowing yet again, to trust your intuition. To trust yet again, as long as it takes.

LoveHubbie looks at me and shrugs his shoulders and says "Yea, right, whatever..." as he is tired of the doctors and the optimism and the false hopes of my ever really being healthy. But he can be wrong.

I think that as women we must be willing to trust ourselves above all. And to believe again and again and again. If we've been wrong, so be it. But we need to be willing to risk again, and to believe in ourselves again, even if others do not.

Muddling Through Monday

It's been a lee-tle quiet here at the happyluau lately. So today, despite my generally sucky mood, I thought I'd make a video for you. It's just under 7 minutes long:

Sacred Life Sunday: Alone Time

This video for Sacred Life Sunday is 2:27 long.

Tidbits to Share: Retreats, Getting Hooked, Sacred Art, and Acedia

I just wanted to share some things with you tonight:

1. Are you looking for a spiritual retreat? Look at this resource, called Find the Divine. It includes retreat properties for sale, plus many other features. Talk about a dream---running a retreat center---I think that many of us would probably like to do that---I know I would.

2. Two posts about "getting hooked" into fear and panic, especially with the economic, cultural, and spiritual climate today. One is Christine Kane's. I found it through Lori-Lyn's blog and Lori-Lyn's story that was written so beautifully called "Apples. Stars". If you have to pick, read Lori-Lyn's.

3. Another is a blog that I've recently rediscovered called "Dragonfly Reflections" by Kelley. She is doing 100 Days of Sacred Art. Kelley was a part of Sacred Life Sundays but I lost track of her blog and was thrilled to find it again.

4. Kathleen Norris' new book "Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life". I can SO relate to this book. Acedia is a topic that is difficult to understand---this is one reason that the author has taken an entire book to write an appropriately rambling and profound meditation on it. Acedia is sort of like depression in some ways, except that it's primarily a spiritual condition (unlike depression), but many people suffer from both (like me).

Don't let the four star ratings from many Amazon reviewers discourage you; this is a five star book. Unfortunately, it was put through Amazon's Vine Program early on, a process which tends to distort book ratings. I am a Vine member, and so I know that when people get something for free (which we do), the reviewing audience is different than those that would actually pony up good money for a hardback book. I see the audience for this book as intelligent, thoughtful, and creative people who struggle with depression and melancholy, who have a strong spiritual and psychological approach to life, and who are fascinated by the idea that wisdom from desert monastics could provide interesting insights that would help them to overcome a difficult orientation to life. This is a very personal book, with much autobiographical material as well.

I have been swimming in this book for days, and postponed finishing it because I just don't want to leave behind the insights I get from reading it and the empathy I feel with the author.

5. Tonight I am having a fantastic Friday evening listening to the frogs chirping outside in the forest. Nothing like it.


~Photos from my rose garden, taken by LoveHubbie Mark

Sacred Life Sunday: Hospitality

This week I've been preparing for a week long visit on Monday by LoveHubbie's brother (D) and wife (J). D & J have never visited us, and they come from Texas so it's a big huge deal. I rarely have company (aren't you surprised?) and so I had a great deal to do. Added to my slacking off on my household responsibilities since the depression, there was a backlog of stuff as well. I'm tired and sore. However, I'm very excited about the visit.

Mainly for LoveHubbie. Since his father died, he and his two brothers mainly have each other---biologically---and that's all. I think that D realizes this, too, and I'm hopeful that they will renew a closeness they had when they were younger. In adulthood they've grown apart, so this is a special opportunity.

It's good for me, too, to get to know J. We are very different and don't know each other much at all.

I mainly want them both to be comfortable and have a good time. Hospitality isn't my strong suit mainly for lack of practice, but I do my best.

So today I'm thinking about how to foster comfort, relaxation, and family bonds.

You're probably wondering what's going on with BE BRAVE. I'm still at it, every day. Nothing noteworthy, lots of integration. I'm definitely recovering from depression, too. But everything is gradual. Nothing to count as a discrete BE BRAVE day or to write about in a BE BRAVE post.

Today I organized my closet with a few clothes I have now that fit me. I had to get larger size clothing so that I had something to wear outside the house. I expect that D & J will want to leave the house. And my see-through gauze muumuu won't cut it in the house either. I've had these nasty jeans I've been wearing that have an elastic waist and the stiff denim pooches out over my hips, so they are loose, but make me look like I have 30 extra pounds on my hips. They are so unflattering and make me feel like I have so much loose material hanging around me, so it's even harder to move around. Today I put them in a box for donation. I only want to wear things that make me feel like I care for myself.

With my company here, I'm going to be washing my hair, bathing, grooming, etc.---all those things I used to do automatically, but that I've fallen out of the habit of doing lately. Now I'm going to have to do them for 5 days in a row. So I figure why not set a habit and just keep up with it? This will be pretty challenging for me---that's the level I'm working at here.

:)




~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, kiawe grove photo altered by Me

Sacred Life Sunday: Cherishing My Life With Joy

I read this marvelous quote in a book I'm reading called "When You're Falling, Dive" by Mark Matousek. It has stayed with me, and I think I'm going to take it as my mantra for depression recovery:

"I don't have to earn my life anymore. It was given to me to cherish as I would a precious gift from someone who loves me and whom I love."---Jim Curtan

This same Jim Curtan also, referring to what he realized at a retreat, said:

"God said my job was joy. But joy is not just about being happy. Joy is a rigorous spiritual practice of saying yes to life on life's terms."

Drop dead profound.

And in the spirit of joy, and to counterbalance the lately more sad posts at the happyluau, here are some joy-filled pictures I've been saving to share with you. They didn't seem to go with any of my previous posts this week, but they will fit with this one!






~The two photos above are from Cute Overload, the happy hamster and the happy dog.




~This photo of the happy nuns is from this blog.

BE BRAVE Baby Steps

Lately I've been integrating BE BRAVE steps, and continuing to recover from depression. Mostly pushing through in small steps. Before I got on Lexapro (the SSRI medication I was prescribed for depression last year) I had slight depression and was quite introverted. Now, post-Lexapro, and as part of the Lexapro withdrawal, I have severe depression and anxiety and panic, not just introversion, but more of a type of severe social anxiety or almost agoraphobia.

So my BE BRAVE steps have been things like walking down my driveway to get my mail, even though it almost paralyzes me to think of it. Going out and doing errands when I feel open, exposed, and unsafe. Continuing to go through parts of my day while terrified. Nothing that would normally seem like bravery, but are exactly this right now for me, and keep me from succumbing to whatever the chemical processes and/or withdrawals are that are going on right now.

Yesterday I did something a bit unusual, too. In a significant family relationship I spoke a boundary. I say it this way because I didn't "set" a boundary---it was already there, and I just said that it was. I discovered that a person I love has been lying to me over and over again for a long time. The violation for me is not just the lying, but because I suspected it and questioned them repeatedly and then believed them, the violation is also the causing me to doubt myself and to doubt my intuition. So for me to stand up and say that the boundary was there, and to say that I would end the relationship over it, even though it is technically a "permanent" relationship---this felt good. I love this person greatly, but they have been toxic in my life for a long time, and despite my health challenges right now, and despite everything else I have going on, I know like I know my name that I would end everything with them should they do this again. Or anything like this.

So...I've been taking baby steps with the BE BRAVE challenge. Not enough to call a "BE BRAVE" day, but continuing as I'm resting and healing and integrating.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark altered by me

BE BRAVE: Day 8: Chicken Marsala and Endorphins

Yesterday was my BE BRAVE Day 8 and I pushed myself to make Chicken Marsala. Part of the reason was that I love anything Marsala, but we always eat it out. I've had the recipe but have been procrastinating about making it for weeks---anticipating the "huge" amount of work and not having much cook-confidence, etc. LoveHubbie is a very good Southern cook with extremely high expectations, and I wanted to try this new recipe and have us enjoy a delicious Chicken Marsala at home---for the first time.

A few weeks ago I made the seasoned bread crumbs in the oven from gluten-free bread. I bought all fresh and organic ingredients. Most were local, too, like the shitake and portabello mushrooms. Lastly, I bought the organic chicken; the chicken's diminishing freshness was the urgency factor that made it my BE BRAVE action yesterday. The eggs were from our chickens. I worked for about five hours in my hot kitchen on it. I wanted to take a picture of it, but was too hot and drained and spent by the end. It wasn't pretty and didn't really go well. Dinner was very late, and it was much, much too salty for me to eat (but perfect for LoveHubbie who enjoys things especially salty). He thought it was okay overall; however, he needed to add lots of sugar (as though it were a bowl of cereal) to his completed meal for it to taste good in his estimation.

Still, there was a sense of accomplishment in making Chicken Marsala imperfectly. I did it. And not really badly, nor well---just imperfectly. I did something hard for me! I knew I risked LoveHubbie's criticism, but did it anyway because for me, the gift was more important than the perfection of the food. I gave it from my heart.



The picture is from chickenmarsala.net. In hindsight, I think it was a bit overambitious as a BE BRAVE action for me just now, but I'm still glad I tried.

On another note, I felt like myself for a few minutes yesterday. I had a very intense gyrotonics session. I wrote more about me and gyrotonics here. It is hard for my large body to get through enough sustained strenuous work to produce endorphins, but I know I did yesterday. I felt like myself and felt so good. It passed in an hour or so, but I was glad to feel so wonderful. It shows me that what makes me me is still in there somewhere and not gone forever. With this depression recovery, I hope to keep uncovering it.

Glimpses of happiness and self-remembering and the memories of both are great motivation for keeping on...

Extreme Appreciation

I just want to tell everyone how much I appreciate your friendship and support. Lately I have been a bit overwhelmed with my recovery from depression and I've realized that it is you, my online community, that has really helped so much. Your comments and support and love have helped to sustain and encourage me. Also, just having to articulate my journey and to know you'll read about it...and to push myself out of my emotional state to reach out and support each of you as best I can as well...it has helped me to not feel alone. Thank you to each one of you.

Much love, O



~Picture from Cute Overload today

BE BRAVE: Day 4: Crash But No Burn

Predictably, or at least it should be by now, after three very exciting days, today I crashed. No energy, very low mood, pushing-pushing-pushing through the day. I have to remind myself that I am recovering from depression...I get so intense and excited and then...this happens. I've always been this way, though, even when I was much younger and healthy. You would think I would learn.

However, after dragging and whipping myself through most of the day and pumping loads of caffeine just to do that, I decided to be patient and supportive of myself (synchronicity has this as Rick's post today as well).

I canceled all of my activities for tomorrow. Although they were pleasurable and healthy, I know myself and can tell when I need a day alone. Resting. Reading. At home. Totally alone. I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Desperate for quiet time and alone time and almost unable to process things or even respond to life the way I want to.




Then I looked at what I was doing and realized that my eating the last three days has been on the fly and not up to my usual standards. Nothing awfully bad, but apparently I'm exquisitely sensitive to minor dietary variations (like forgetting my fish oil and eating lower-quality foods out). I thought I'd forgo my usual "gotta be organic" stance and "clean meats only" compulsion, mainly to enjoy some meals out with LoveHubbie at LoveHubbie-friendly haunts---and now I just feel very "off". It could be too that in my current state, I'm sensitive to little fluctuations, but that when I become healthy, I will be dietarily more robust.




So, for my BE BRAVE action today, I'm cleaning up my diet to be more supportive for the remainder of the program. I'm going back to my old higher standards in quality, as well as eating no processed carbs at all and no unprocessed carbs at night either (like rice or quinoa or anything like that). I figure I can handle that for a month or so, maybe longer; I know my body, and I'm sure I'll feel great. It's Wellness Wednesday, too, so this is perfect.

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, altered by Me

Sacred Life Sunday: Bravery

I just finished a wonderful, very challenging book for me, called "When Love Meets Fear" by David Richo. David Richo is also the author of "How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving", which gives you an idea of what he writes about...being a grown-up and being mature. He is a former Roman Catholic priest who converted to Buddhism and is a psychotherapist. I highlighted different parts to share with you.

So much of the time it is in the sharing with you here on my blog that I realize the purpose in my highlighting and sharing...and this is the case here, so thank you...

In the early part of the book, David Richo writes about fear. I really identified with this quote:

"Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." ---Dune: Frank Herbert from the book "When Love Meets Fear" by David Richo

Here is another quote, a different type of quote, from the same book that I also identified with. I feel this way a lot lately. A lot.

"St. Francis in the cave prayed: "Let me hide in the womb of this wet earth that sponges me in soft gentle mud. O womb of earth, hide me from eyes that freeze me in paralyzing fear."

And yet there is so much hope...another quote, again from the same book:

"Our work on our fear follows a simple path: admit you are afraid, allow yourself to feel the fear fully, act as if fear were not getting in your way."

And then one last quote, this one about the last part, the acting as if the fear weren't getting in the way:

"I make the choices I would make if I did not feel the fear. A good question to ask yourself is: "What would I do if I were not afraid?" "Acting as if," throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout the year, builds a bridge to fearlessness. It is a neuronal highway. This is how you can change the messages in your brain, creating a highway to freedom from the cellular fear. Since fear is encoded in us physiologically, freedom from it requires a bodily change. Every time you act as if you were not afraid, you instruct your cells to let go of fear. Every time you rationalize it away and do not act, the fear is instructed to leave everything as it is. We are never free from fear entirely, but we are free from being gripped by the neurotic story lines that surround the fear and make us so ashamed and powerless that we cannot handle it. That is true freedom from fear."

I know that I am needing to rebuild my "Be Brave" neuronal pathways. When Jessie and I had the discipline of BE BRAVE, I accomplished so much. I really viewed BE BRAVE as a spiritual practice. Slowly I think I slipped backwards into being afraid of so much. Or perhaps (yes, this is it!) I just moved on to a new level, but haven't had the courage and the energy to step up and to venture to where I want to go, to move in courage and bravery where I am now. I can blame the depression, but I won't. I want to move on with depression.




I want to emphasize that it's not that I'm not being brave now; it's just that I'm not flowing the way I was almost a year ago when we did the challenge. Jessie is---YAY! I take inspiration from her. I know that my circumstances are different, but I want to be heroic in them, and I don't feel as though I am.

Randy Pausch is heroic in his circumstances. My circumstances are nothing like his, and he can be a marvelous example for us all in how to face troubles, even life-threatening troubles, with grace and courage and dignity.




I want to be like Randy Pausch. I want to build and strengthen the neural pathways that lead me to do courageous things in my unique circumstances. I miss BEing BRAVE.

I'm still not sure where I'm going with this, exactly. Just the general direction. Toward BEing BRAVE.



~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, some altered by Me

Wellness Wednesday: Accepting Depression

Today I've been living with depression. And yesterday, too. But unlike in the past, I've been more or less okay with it. I've been allowing it, letting it be. Letting myself be sad. Grieving some losses. Being okay with being withdrawn.

A book that really helped me is the recent book "Unstuck". I wrote a review for it here (see the first "Spotlight Review") calling it a "Modern Bible for Depression Recovery". After reading it, and after my weight gain resumed (again) since resuming Lexapro last month, I decided to go off the SSRI's again---ten days ago. So I probably am enjoying the symptoms of drug withdrawal now. It is not pleasant, but for me right now, it is worth it. The book really helped me to just be able to be with my symptoms as best as possible.

I should say here that I'm not advocating that anyone stop any prescription medications without speaking to their doctors. Even though that's what I did.

And I'm doing something else really controversial. I'm starting on a regimen for nutritional support for depression via the company TrueHope. Most people wouldn't do this, but I've studied nutrition for over 30 years and feel very comfortable giving it a try. I will most likely start on Monday.

If you're interested, here are some videos about TrueHope: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5. The story behind it is very unusual and the rationale for it is unconventional. I list these for those of you who'd be open to alternative approaches to depression. The supplements were designed to help patients who are bipolar, but are also effective for those with depression and other mood disorders. I know that not everyone thinks this is a good thing, and that's okay. I believe we each have to find what works for us, and no answer is wrong if it is effective and if we feel good about our choice and the possible consequences. And if you don't deal with depression, or if you already have an approach that's working, then you have something to be truly grateful for!

Breathing in Bellvue

Well, I'm now in Bellevue Washington, home of Microsoft, staying at a hotel and taking a special breathing/yoga seminar here tonight and for the rest of the week. It's only evenings, and then all day on the weekends. I'm working on my book as well, plus re-invigorating my yoga practice. And learning Microsoft Vista...and how to use a laptop. Lots of learning. But it's peaceful and I'm sure I'll get a lot done.

I wanted to take a personal theme for this seminar---Resilience. I hope to be thinking about this and posting about this topic while I'm here. I haven't been resilient...and want to explore becoming so.

Webster's defines "resilient" as:
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

I'm hoping to do all three. Not necessarily over the next six days, of course, but I hope to get a great start.

Yoga is great for depression. So is breathing. The course is with the Art of Living Foundation, which I knew nothing about, but read about them in this book and then again several weeks ago in this book. I'm a wee bit nervous, but quite excited to take a healing step in my personal growth. So by focusing on learning these new skills, I hope to increase my resilience.

I had this trip planned before my May Day crash. Good thing!

Here's a peek at my surroundings. It's 2:24 long. It's been a long time since I've done a video!

Thursday Thinking Out Loud in Response to Your Comments

Indeed, I have the most thoughtful and wise blog readers in the blogosphere! I took all of my comments from yesterday and just really let them simmer. They were my quiet time today. I decided to make a blog post about them today and respond to them here instead of in the comment section.



Chani, whose post started off this discussion, shared details of her personal situation. We are similar in ages (I'm 50, Chani) and I have also had a challenging personal life for many years. I have also lived an amazing, joy-filled, and grounded life for periods of time when I've lived in a place and in a culture congruent with my values (Hawaii). I struggle to recreate much of that here.



It's interesting that peace can be so place-based. I know that I can find peace at other times, but it takes great work and inspiration; in Hawaii it was there by default. I am touched that you wish more for me; honestly, I wish more for myself as well. I feel the same way about you and have grown much from our parallel journeys.



Kate I gives some perspective. I agree with you, Kate, that we are all doing what is right for us, the best we can, right now. This could change at any time. I, too, wonder if accepting people as they are is the same as having low expectations of people.

I love people who expect the best from everyone. They expect wonderful things to happen and they do. Not in a striving, driving way but in a simple way. I think this is far to be preferred over expecting nothing (which is what I do). There is some kind of balance between the two, some kind of dance, a way that is more positive than what I'm doing that results in more positive results. A way that I suspect wouldn't leave me with so much of the low moods. It is this dance that I'm thinking I would like to learn to do.



Maybe you're right, Kate, and the answer is to expect the best and accept the reality. What if it was "expect the best and love the reality"? Now this feels right. Because even if people treat you poorly, you can learn from this, grow from this, and move onward and upward. This is also pretty idealistic. And I'm not sure it's human to love love love poor treatment. So maybe graciously acceptance is even better. And realistic.

I really appreciate what you say Kate about there being no right or wrong way to heal. And that we need a strong core of self-love to even really see others as they are. I'm taking all of these things to heart.

Self-love is not my strong suit.

But I can keep working on this!




Jessie, I miss you, too, dear. Every single day we need to practice being brave. The days that I don't I regress. We learned how to Be Brave together! You are off on your life being brave...and I...am floundering here. Trying...up and down...all I lack is that strong core of self-love and self-belief that Kate I wrote about. I can do this though. I am learning to do this with baby steps.

I like what you wrote about your dad. It's a tough, tough decision to know when estrangement is best, or walking away, separation (in the case of marriage), or just limiting contact (say to emails). I think it depends upon what we need to heal. And upon how destructive the person is. How much support we have. So many factors.



You help keep me brave, too, Jessie. You all do, actually. I've never felt like I've had support before for being my best self, for being brave, for "living big" instead of "playing small" until this past year or so in my life. Thank God for each of you. If you're reading this, I thank the Universe for you.




Rick. I love your description of me keeping my house closed until I see the light of someone who comes with love. You got it. That's it.

We do all feel the same way. We're all in this together.

And on hurt versus suffering. The stories we tell ourselves and what we place our attention on. So important to how we experience our day.






Patti, I love your quoting Eileen about how expectations are just premeditated resentments. It's funny, because from your blog I'd have no idea that you'd ever had serious challenges in your past. You seem very, very grounded and it is encouraging to me that you've come so far to live a fairly drama-free life.

You're right about my shaky central core of self-love. Very shaky. But getting stronger.





Thank you all for your continuing encouragement and thoughtful musings on my post. I am blessed, not least by having very wise and loving blog friends. Today, I feel Grateful!


~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark, editted several different ways by Me

Wellness Wednesday: What Makes Life Worth Living?

This blog post was prompted by Thailand Chani's post here, and by her response to my comment. My comment was this:

[...I have very very low expectations about everyone. I've been through a lot. I expect little to nothing from others, and feel as though I must depend upon myself---just me---and no one else. It's a hard and cold attitude, but one that helps me to cope.

Then, if someone does respond lovingly, I'm delighted. If they show integrity, I'm pleasingly surprised. If they seem to care, I'm thrilled.

I'm pretty cynical, and don't expect much from people, period.

I would like to have other people that I can reliably depend upon, but at this point in my life I'm slow to trust, even slower to believe in anyone, especially any group of people (which just multiplies the probability of being let down). Even Hawaiians. Anyone.

I'm not suggesting that you be like me (because I don't even know if it's healthy), but just letting you know how I cope with the frustration and hurt...]

Her response was this:

[Olivia, I can understand how living in this place.. and with this way of life.. it could become necessary to adopt that attitude. I seem to be congenitally incapable of it. A life like that, to me, simply isn't worth living.]

So then I started to wonder, why I feel my life is so worth living. Because I do! True, I do feel depressed. A lot. I don't know---I have a sort of acceptance of this depressed state, because basically I feel so fortunate, blessed, and happier than I've ever been in my whole life (note: I've had a pretty crummy life until the last 8.5 years or so).

Although I am depressed, I'm not miserable at all. Just tired a whole lot, withdrawn (very, very withdrawn---very withdrawn!), lonely (except for my online life), and sad. Maybe I just have to feel and process years of troubled feelings and this will take some time. It's only recently that I've started to feel my feelings instead of to run from them. I feel very accepting of my life and my situation. Grateful for it even. Full of gratitude for all of the many blessings in my life.

Even the challenging things in my life I believe are here to teach me something. There are lessons that I need to learn. Not that I can't change them, of course. But that if I choose to accept them, or if I can't change them right now, then my task is to learn from them what I need to so that my difficult times are not repeated over and over and over again---a problem for me when I was younger.

As far as other people go, I really do expect very little from either individuals or groups. This is based upon experience, upon years of being hurt and of expecting from people what I just don't think they can give. Even basic things like integrity, honesty, respect, totally common courtesy, and more. I no longer believe, even for things like this from those who profess to love me.

So now I prefer to think of love as something that I give, not something that I get. For me, this makes life worth living. And then sometimes, often even...well, truthfully, much of the time, I get even more back than I've given. This really makes life great. But I don't expect it.

Except with animals, of course :) That's a story for another time.

If someone is very toxic, honestly, I'll remove them from my life, and I've been criticized strongly for this. I'm estranged from my family of origin for this very reason. I will try for twenty or thirty years, but then eventually, say after 42 years, I'll give up and establish a relationship of estrangement. This allows me to work out forgiveness and to love those (in a far-off way) I'm estranged from. I explained to my father once that sometimes it is only possible to love and forgive someone from afar, when you are safe. Sometimes you just need to be safe. At least I do. This decision about my bio-family has helped me to make huge strides in my physical health. It's also partially responsible for my recovery from chronic fatigue syndrome (8.5 years ago).

As I told Chani, I don't know if this attitude I have is particularly healthy. It does seem a little cold. And I've been told it's hard. Right now it works for me. I'm open to better ways of living, though...really open.

It's Wellness Wednesday, and for now this attitude makes my life not just worth living, but possible to live. And thrive. It keeps me going.



What do you think? What makes your life worth living? If no one truly truly loves you in the way you need it or want it are you content to love others and spread kindness and goodness and blessings and love to those who are in your life or whose path you will cross today? Should you be content with that? Let me know what you think.

Wellness Wednesday: SSRI Withdrawal

It has been several days since I've been off SSRI's altogether and my weight has dropped a couple of pounds, but more importantly, the accelerated weight gain is over. I'm doing okay, although of course things are difficult, since I'm low on serotonin receptors. My doctor says that since I was on them for a short time I'll recover my receptors in a month or two.

I feel very peaceful about this decision. Most of all I feel relaxed that at last the panic of gaining 40 pounds in three months is now over. I've gone from a size 12 to a size 20W. But this provides many opportunities to accept myself and love myself as a large woman. I'm truly getting into these opportunities. Really. About 90% of the time. The rest of the time I feel bad. Bloated. Angry. Sad. Depressed.

Overall, I feel very blessed to be able to get off of these drugs that helped me so very much but that hurt me too in the long run. In my case, they hurt me more than helped me. If you're not depressed, try being somewhat overweight and then gaining 40 pounds really quickly; you'll probably feel pretty bad, especially if you have concomitant health problems.

So today I am grateful.

I am very tired, so I'll write more tomorrow. LoveHubbie got an award tonight and we just got home from a dinner meeting. I want to tell you about the Charles Eisenstein class, but I'll wait until tomorrow so that I can give it a fair shake.

~Above picture of Hawaiian Queen Kaahumanu from Wikipedia

Wellness Wednesday: Self-Pity or Gratitude?