Letting Go and Happiness

With a big weekend coming up, I am needing to have an emergency trip to the oral surgeon. What I thought was an aphthous ulcer is actually an infection all around my dental implants and possibly an abscess. It hurts to talk and can't chew at all.

We have company coming (a rare event at our house in the woods) and I am singing in a choir and as a cantor this weekend. I have two receptions to go to as well. Oh, yes, and I restarted my diet semi-fast just a couple of days ago. I'll tell you about those things later. At any rate, it's kind of bad timing here!

The only possible thing to do is to let go.

I am fortunate in that things seem to be working out. My dentist saw me as a walk-in when I was out doing errands and couldn't stand the pain anymore. He irrigated everything to remove some of the pressure from the infection. Then he himself called the oral surgeon so that I could get right in. The oral surgeon is unfortunately at his satellite office about 45 minutes south of here. However, my assistant is working with me today and able to drive with me there in case I need to have a big procedure done. It is alternating rain with hail and I am so glad it isn't snowing.

I initially felt hit by fear and anxiety when I was first told the news, but there is truly nothing to do but let go and trust that all will be well, one way or another.

Isn't that all we can ever do?

I am realizing that this can be a very spiritual day, filled with lessons and trust and love, despite all of these circumstances. And truly, every day can be this way.

Wishing you (and me too) a day of letting go, trusting, and accepting with gratitude whatever it is that comes to interrupt your plans today.

My Word for the Year: Valid

This word for the year requires some explanation, because I really want you to get how big it is for me.

Originally I started with the idea from this post by Patti Digh that I wanted to let go of striving. Yes! This passivity, or even better--surrender--is something that I want to incorporate into 2011. I don't want to push or try or force anything. I want to allow, to unfold, to unfurl...

I still want to do this.

Valid is something that I am. Not something I need to try to attain. But I haven't known this for most of my life.

For years I was an "invalid" (see the not "valid" in "invalid"?) and my greatest fear is, I've realized, becoming an invalid again...this was how the word "valid" first began to speak to me. My mother was someone who suffered, and I have been like her. I had CFIDS (chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia) for more than a decade, plus abusive husbands, poverty, and a panoply of physical ailments to deal with. I was like my mother in other ways, too. For years I lived as though I had no voice, no joy, no power, no money, no anger (when I should have), and submitted myself to harsh religious systems (and at times, cults) to find meaning in life.

All of this has changed as I've grown older, and especially since I had my first blog, tappingluau, and now happyluau. I'm not the same person I was. However, the sense of being "not enough" or of being of little worth has still been a theme in my life. With some of the counseling I've been having, plus the tapping (fasterEFT) I've been doing as a spiritual practice, I've realized this recently.

"Valid" says, to me, that I have intrinsic worth, intrinsic value, and that I matter. I count as much as anyone else. My opinions and beliefs matter. My feelings matter. My wants and my needs matter. I don't deserve to be treated poorly or tossed aside. I am not invisible. I am not (as someone in a significant relationship referred to me in the past, really!) a "car in the garage" to be used whenever someone (say, that person) decides I am useful. I am neither an invalid nor "not valid" nor inconsequential nor "not worthy". I am valid. 

Now to most of you--my dear blog readers--this sounds so obvious it would almost be silly. Yet as I wrote the above, I cried. It is so profound, and something that I've never applied to myself at a heart level.  It is key for me in being able to select my own church. It is key for me in being able to lose weight. It is key for me in being able to stop taking poor treatment from people, and for becoming angry and acting appropriately when I am treated poorly. It is key for me in stopping self-defeating behaviors and sabotaging my own success. It is absolutely vital for me in being able to be who I am.

There is nothing I have to DO to be "valid", either. I just am. That is the "allow" and "surrender" part. As I keep believing this, re-membering it daily, and applying it to my life, things will keep changing in 2011. This whole process will unfold and unfurl and without striving my life will become what I need it to be.

I can't wait.



~Photo of a bird's egg in our garden by LoveHubbie Mark, edited by me

Divine Mercy

"There is probably no other way to understand God's nature except to daily stand under the waterfall of divine mercy and then become conduits of the same flow." ~Richard Rohr



~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark taken in Kauai

Spiritual Changes in November

Since I've been on this HCG diet, I've been more assertive and more interested in pursuing spiritual community. We belong to a lovely church. I have tried my best to fit in and just can't. I am always so different from everyone else and as nice as they are, I seem to have some sort of block in that I cannot relate to anyone without feeling as though they find me hopelessly strange. I find myself making excuses for being who I am. So I have decided to listen to myself and to God about what to do next.

Just today I joined two new online groups. One has been started by my blogging friend Heather Plett and is called Sophia Leadership. Actually it is not a group, but a web site, and much more. Visit Sophia Leadership here at the main site or also here on Facebook. It is a place for anyone who wants to explore the idea and the experience of feminine wisdom. My particular Christian tradition teaches me to not trust myself or my own wisdom, but to only trust Jesus. I disagree. I believe that in learning to trust myself, I use one of the greatest gifts I have, given to me by God, and in doing so I learn how to become closer to Jesus. I even believe that it is He who leads me to know and honor my feminine wisdom. This is a very radical idea to some, but I have come to believe this wholeheartedly.

Sophia Leadership is also for men, for anyone who wants to participate in feminine wisdom.

I really love Heather's logo. It beautifully embodies and expresses feminine wisdom. As some of you know, I am fascinated by the labyrinth. Heather's logo of course is not a labyrinth, but it is a spiral that is reminiscent of a labyrinth in many ways.

Another group I joined today is based upon the book "God in the Yard" by L. L. Barkat. It is a small group of women who are reading the book and doing the exercises together. I love the idea of going into my backyard and listening to God. I know that I will enjoy this process, no matter what answers I get. If I don't make a point of doing this instead of being wistful about it, I will never make the time for it. Find out more about this amazing book here.

I know I'm joining quite a few groups lately. I am doing this HCG diet and have a private blog for it (let me know if you want an invite), plus I am studying faster EFT, I've joined Kate's The Queen of Creativity Castle, and now Sophia Leadership and God in the Yard. All are so important to me right now. I know that it may end up that I don't have time or focus for all of them, but I'm hoping that there will be a good fit for me in as many as possible.

At any rate, I am in a spiritual growth mode. I don't know where it will lead, but I trust God. And myself.

Sacred Life Sunday: Accepting Others For Who They Are

When we don't give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. ~BreneBrown

Receiving What Is Good

This post and picture are over a year old and were languishing off to the side, waiting to be posted and then forgotten. I recently found it and decided to post it after all.

It's never too late to be willing to receive what is good.

Actually, as I'm writing this, I realize it's never too late to be willing to receive, period. Whatever we are handed. If we believe that God (or the Universe, as I used to write) loves us, is in control, and wants the best for us--as I do--then we will receive everything that comes to our life.

All is ultimately God's good. All ultimately is part of God's plan to manifest goodness in our lives. Even when it's a struggle to see it.

"If we learn to think of receiving God's good as being an act of worship--cooperating with God's plan to manifest goodness in our lives--we can begin to let go of having to sabotage ourselves."---Julia Cameron

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Embodiment

I really appreciate this video, called "Embodiment" with Gabrielle Roth,which I lifted from Lori-Lyn. Lori-Lyn has been blogging a lot about dancing and movement recently, and this video says something important, so I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, Lori-Lyn!

If you click through to the source of this video on YouTube, you'll find some interesting speakers from the Omega Institute; you may want to subscribe, as I did.

Grace, Hawaiian Style

"Grace is the inalienable right of all beings to receive the light of God, the inalienable source of all healing.

From the power of God comes this completely unconditional love, which heals and propels support.

Grace is absolutely free. You don't have to do anything to get it.

Grace is not something that can be taken away from you, in the Hawaiian point of view.

You do have to acknowledge you are human and humans have grace inalienable. It's really a re-remembering you have grace and thus going back to your authenticity of who you are.

When grace appears in the consciousness the natural response is gratitude.

Gratitude is the action linking the grace to us.

Grace connects and deepens the channel of gratitude. Hawaiians acknowledge the grace received--it is natural and so evokes gratitude."---from "Wise Secrets of Aloha" by Kahuna Harry Uhane Jim and Garnette Arledge

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Wellness Wednesday: Finding Spiritual Community with LoveHubbie

Lori-Lyn wrote a beautiful story here about an experience on Christmas at church. It resonated with me in my hunt with LoveHubbie to find a community where LoveHubbie can make connections and relate to others. This is very important to him, as he sources his beliefs externally, and finds religion and religious institutions very inspirational, along with the relationships that ensue there. Loving others in community is an admirable thing. I would agree that it is a sign of spiritual health.

However, as an introvert, I find my beliefs alone, and don't really enjoy gathering with other spiritually like-minded people. First of all, I don't enjoy any type of group gatherings much. Secondly, my spiritually like-minded group tends not to congregate---we're more introverts and individualists. Thirdly, as I've written about before, my beliefs are always changing and evolving, which makes it hard to stick with others who share the particulars at any one time.

Lori-Lyn linked to an interesting Belief-O-Matic quiz, put out by Beliefnet.com, which says I am a Hindu! Or, very close behind, I share many beliefs with neo-pagans, Unitarian Universalists, Buddhists, new agers, liberal Quakers, and believers in New Thought. "Roman Catholic", which I've thought was the closest Christian religion that resonates with my beliefs, is #27 on my quiz results, right above "Jehovah's Witness" in last place.

The quiz pretty much reinforced what I knew already: I have a rich spiritual life with wildly uncategorizable beliefs outside of any church, and don't much care where we attend as long as it's a loving place. LoveHubbie is in a wee hurry, though, as he yearns to put down roots.

It will be interesting to see where we end up.



~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark, except for church building, which is from Drew

Sacred Life Sunday: Exchanging Beliefs... or Crossing Over

It's always bothered me that my spiritual beliefs are so fluid. They seem to change and evolve so rapidly that I can never find a group or community of like-minded people. Jane wrote humorously about this recently. By the time I find a place to belong, my beliefs have morphed into something that doesn't fit any longer. But one can't help what one believes, right? Today during my quiet time I read this wonderful story in "The Gospel According to Jesus: A New Translation and Guide to His Essential Teachings for Believers and Unbelievers" by Stephen Mitchell, the husband of Byron Katie. I think you'll like it.

The Buddha said, "A man walking along a highroad sees a great river, its near bank dangerous and frightening, its far bank safe. He collects sticks and foliage, makes a raft, paddles across the river, and reaches the other shore. Now suppose that, after he reaches the other shore, he takes the raft and puts it on his head and walks with it on his head wherever he goes. Would he be using the raft in an ppropriate way? No; a reasonable man will realize that the raft has been very useful to him in crossing the river and arriving safely on the other shore, but that once he has arrived, it is proper to leave the raft behind and walk on without it. This is using the raft appropriately.

In the same way, all truths should be used to cross over; they should not be held on to once you have arrived. You should let go of even the most profound insight or the most wholesome teaching; all the more so, unwholesome teachings."

~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

BE BRAVE: Day 9: Sourcing Energy

"Energy is everywhere, but stillness plays a major role in its conversion from "potential" to "actualized" energy. [...]I was amazed to learn that butterflies have to spread their wings in the morning sunshine because the scales on their wings are actually solar cells. Without that source of energy, they cannot fly."---Laurie Beth Jones quoted in Joyce Rupp's "The Cup of Our Life"

Today I reestablished a practice that I used to follow religiously---a morning quiet time. It was a time for me to light a candle, read, be silent, meditate, read more. Breathe with God. Touch the Universe inside. Sit and orient and gain energy from my Source. When I read this quote yesterday, I was reminded of how, BD (before depression), I used to have a quiet time every morning before I'd do anything at all. Even when I worked full-time, this practice was mandatory for me to be spiritually fed before going about my day.

Over the years, the people I have chosen community with (husbands---all three, friends, family members) have not shared this practice, thinking of it as an obstacle to getting about the business of the day and as a waste of time, slowing everyone down when there were so many fun things to do or so much work to do, depending upon the day. Lately (AD, after depression) I've caved into my very local culture, at first just skipping these "quiet times" and then eventually not having them altogether, saving them up for a luxury on the weekend or for when I'm alone and there is nothing better to do. After all, my energy is so low anyway, I think. I waste too much time as it is. I'm centered enough, there's stuff to do. Silly, silly, silly.

I was inspired by yertle's blog this week, a post in which she describes herself and says she sometimes feels like a loser. All of her attributes were very, very desirable ones from my perspective! I realized how I, too, let others define me because I'm different or introverted and just forget to be proud of who or what I am. I buy into their views. I just forget. Still. After 50 years.

In the absence of people telling us this, or in the presence of people telling us the opposite, we all need to be free to source our energy, or we won't be able to fly. Even more, we need---I need---to stop buying into opinions about me that tear at the foundations of who I am. It's time. I'm ready.

I loved my quiet time today, and even more, loved visualizing all of the "opinions" from my inner critic and others who will never understand being written on little pieces of paper and burned. Paradoxically, I need the "quiet time" to keep myself centered on who I really am, and to stay connected to Source, to God, from whence my value truly comes.


~Photo of butterfly from The Littlest Bird

BE BRAVE: Day 2 and 3: Moving and Ending and Moving On

Whew! After Day One, what could I follow that up with? Still reeling from the dive and the collision, I stepped out and decided to increase my exercise during this healing time. This was for Day Two (yesterday).

I currently do gyrotonics. It is really hard for me. I see gyrotonics as something normally done by dancers and lithe svelt strong people, not matronly middle-aged women with weak abdominals who are coordination-challenged, like me. However, I have grown so much in just 5 sessions. Mostly brain-stuff, Jill Bolte Taylor brain recovery stuff. My brain isn't damaged, though, just struggling to develop in areas that have lain fallow for half a century. It is amazing!

So, remedial student that I am, it was hard for me to ask my teacher if I could increase my sessions for a couple of months. She was enthusiastic, so she's going to be putting up with me twice a week now. She has extraordinary patience and has to do things with me very, very slowly and repeat them over and over and over. Then by the next session, I'm almost back to where I started, but not quite. We start again and build. Gyrotonics requires me to challenge my brain and my emotions and to stretch my views about my capabilities each time I go. This translates into the rest of my life and is a true gift.

I also decided to resume yoga (yes, again). My wonderful teacher and friend, Shanon, is in nursing school full-time, so I'd slacked off. I really do need a teacher at this stage, and I'd been putting off trying out new ones. I found out just yesterday that Shanon is teaching for the summer, so I'm in.

I am hoping that with both gyrotonics and yoga in addition to my regular walking, that I will get into not just good mental and emotional shape, but begin my journey of losing my lovely Lexapro weight as well.



Today is Day 3 of BE BRAVE. Today I ended my therapy. That was my BE BRAVE task. It was a beautiful ending though, because I explained why to my therapist, and the alternate direction I wanted to move in, and lo and behold, he got it and wished me well. He also agreed to be available for me should my depression worsen and I need him. I could never have believed it would have ended so well. It's hard for me to do things like this.

It may seem strange to be ending therapy after my adventures in the looney bin and just embarking on TrueHope, but it is time for a change. I'm wanting to integrate spiritual principles into my journey, and feel a need to move beyond cognitive behavioral methodology to deeper things. Things I see as deeper at any rate. I may yet return to therapy, but it will be a deeper type (like Jungian, perhaps...).

So, I went down to St. Placid Priory, a local progressive Benedictine monastery for women, to seek a spiritual director. I found one of the spiritual directors in and she spoke to me on the spot and guided me towards a sister who is on vacation for several weeks. I was intitally disappointed, but then decided that slowing down would be a good thing. I tend to be quite intense. You didn't know that, right? She also invited me to be a part of an ecumenical spiritual formation program that starts in the fall. She was gentle and kind and more invited me to slow down, rather than screaming, "WHOA there girl!" That was nice.

So that was my Day 2 and 3 of BE BRAVE. I obviously needed to do this, and to do this now. I thought it would take a while to get my old bravery muscles back, but I can feel them there already underneath a lot of flab. It will be easier this time...




~Photos by LoveHubbie Mark

What We Perceive, What We Do

I saw this quote and it reminded me of Chani's blog yesterday for Sacred Life Sunday about finding inspiration in each person you meet. This quote refers to extending to each of these precious people we meet in the course of our day:

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness."--Lucius Annaeus Seneca via the book "Choosing Civility" by P.M. Forni

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Wellness Wednesday: What Makes Life Worth Living?

This blog post was prompted by Thailand Chani's post here, and by her response to my comment. My comment was this:

[...I have very very low expectations about everyone. I've been through a lot. I expect little to nothing from others, and feel as though I must depend upon myself---just me---and no one else. It's a hard and cold attitude, but one that helps me to cope.

Then, if someone does respond lovingly, I'm delighted. If they show integrity, I'm pleasingly surprised. If they seem to care, I'm thrilled.

I'm pretty cynical, and don't expect much from people, period.

I would like to have other people that I can reliably depend upon, but at this point in my life I'm slow to trust, even slower to believe in anyone, especially any group of people (which just multiplies the probability of being let down). Even Hawaiians. Anyone.

I'm not suggesting that you be like me (because I don't even know if it's healthy), but just letting you know how I cope with the frustration and hurt...]

Her response was this:

[Olivia, I can understand how living in this place.. and with this way of life.. it could become necessary to adopt that attitude. I seem to be congenitally incapable of it. A life like that, to me, simply isn't worth living.]

So then I started to wonder, why I feel my life is so worth living. Because I do! True, I do feel depressed. A lot. I don't know---I have a sort of acceptance of this depressed state, because basically I feel so fortunate, blessed, and happier than I've ever been in my whole life (note: I've had a pretty crummy life until the last 8.5 years or so).

Although I am depressed, I'm not miserable at all. Just tired a whole lot, withdrawn (very, very withdrawn---very withdrawn!), lonely (except for my online life), and sad. Maybe I just have to feel and process years of troubled feelings and this will take some time. It's only recently that I've started to feel my feelings instead of to run from them. I feel very accepting of my life and my situation. Grateful for it even. Full of gratitude for all of the many blessings in my life.

Even the challenging things in my life I believe are here to teach me something. There are lessons that I need to learn. Not that I can't change them, of course. But that if I choose to accept them, or if I can't change them right now, then my task is to learn from them what I need to so that my difficult times are not repeated over and over and over again---a problem for me when I was younger.

As far as other people go, I really do expect very little from either individuals or groups. This is based upon experience, upon years of being hurt and of expecting from people what I just don't think they can give. Even basic things like integrity, honesty, respect, totally common courtesy, and more. I no longer believe, even for things like this from those who profess to love me.

So now I prefer to think of love as something that I give, not something that I get. For me, this makes life worth living. And then sometimes, often even...well, truthfully, much of the time, I get even more back than I've given. This really makes life great. But I don't expect it.

Except with animals, of course :) That's a story for another time.

If someone is very toxic, honestly, I'll remove them from my life, and I've been criticized strongly for this. I'm estranged from my family of origin for this very reason. I will try for twenty or thirty years, but then eventually, say after 42 years, I'll give up and establish a relationship of estrangement. This allows me to work out forgiveness and to love those (in a far-off way) I'm estranged from. I explained to my father once that sometimes it is only possible to love and forgive someone from afar, when you are safe. Sometimes you just need to be safe. At least I do. This decision about my bio-family has helped me to make huge strides in my physical health. It's also partially responsible for my recovery from chronic fatigue syndrome (8.5 years ago).

As I told Chani, I don't know if this attitude I have is particularly healthy. It does seem a little cold. And I've been told it's hard. Right now it works for me. I'm open to better ways of living, though...really open.

It's Wellness Wednesday, and for now this attitude makes my life not just worth living, but possible to live. And thrive. It keeps me going.



What do you think? What makes your life worth living? If no one truly truly loves you in the way you need it or want it are you content to love others and spread kindness and goodness and blessings and love to those who are in your life or whose path you will cross today? Should you be content with that? Let me know what you think.

A Path Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You

My class with Charles Eisenstein is called "The Yoga of Eating" and is based upon his book by that name. Many of you are familiar with Charles Eisenstein's book "Transformational Weight Loss" (TWL), a book that is an in depth look at part of "The Yoga of Eating" (YOE) that deals with weight loss. TWL is about much more than that, as those of you who have read it know. TWL and YOE are about the practice of trusting your body and all that this entails.

The YOE class is absolutely fantastic because it is a chance to converse with the author via Skype, ask him questions, discuss obstacles to my practice, and hear ideas that were not presented in the books. My class is small, so I get a chance to express my thoughts about what I've read and ask as many questions as I have. I cannot put into words how much, how positively this class and my readings are affecting me.

Both TWL and YOE are about much more than food, eating, and weight issues. They are about a different way of looking at oneself, life and the world. After my second class (number two of three) I decided that I was desperately hungry (pun intended) to find out more and so began to read Charles Eisenstein's "Ascent of Humanity" (AOH), planning on finishing it before my next and last class.



AOH is almost 600 pages, is Charles Eisenstein's life work, and looks (when you pick it up) intellectually demanding, dry, and philosophical (in a bad way). I've had it for about four months but it frankly intimidated me. After the last class though, I didn't care how hard it would be to plow through because I wanted to read it. I was very pleasantly surprised. AOH is intellectual, but passionate and spiritual and most of all---mind-blowing and life-changing. It fits in with everything, everything we've been reading here in our on-line community.

So I started AOH yesterday before I got sick and now I hate to put it down, even to come here to blog. I don't want to do anything else but read it. I want to find out what is coming next! I want to finish it before Tuesday so that I can ask the author any questions I might have. It is the type of book that you read once and feel it's impact, then read again and again to integrate into your life, to think about, and (I hope) to discuss it with others.

None of these books are full of dogma to be read and accepted or rejected. They are compilations of out-of-the box reframes about commonly held cultural assumptions. They are questions. They are new ways of looking at life. Most of all, they are invitations to experience truth for yourself and to come to conclusions that are life-affirming, playful, and joyful.



If you liked TWL, read YOE. If you've got to find out more, then read AOH. AOH fell into place for me after reading the novel "World Made By Hand".

If this all sounds like way too much, or if you just want to find out more but not immerse yourself at this point as I am doing, Charles Eisenstein is making serial videos about the content of AOH here. What really comes through in the videos is Charles Eisenstein's gentle and peaceful spirit and intellect. He says that the purpose of AOH and his other seminars based upon his books is to be life-changing. In my case, he has already succeeded.

However, the impact of all three of his books will continue to reverberate through my life as I integrate what I am learning from them into my spiritual practice. This part---this integration---has only just begun for me and is a journey. It is a setting aside of a lifetime of being a part of a culture that did not resonate with me in so many ways and left me filled with anxiety always and depression often. I am happy to embark on a different way, unsure of where it will lead me, but certain that I am where I need to be.



~Pictures By LoveHubbie Mark

~Post Title Shamelessly Stolen from Oprah about "A Course in Miracles"

"A New Earth" Online Group

If you're interested in participating in an online group for Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth", contact Kate at Meanderings at katespin at yahoo.com. She calls the blog for our discussion "The New Earth Dialogues". Welcome to all!

Transformational Weight Loss Update #5

This journey is awesome! I have been appreciating the learning and personal growth opportunities of TWL as much as the potential weight loss that I know will occur as I learn many new skills. In addition, TWL is helping me on my spiritual path by teaching me in a practical way how to trust myself, my body, and the Universe as a safe and good place.

TWL is not as scary now as it was in the beginning. My weight has leveled off, after a startling ten pound weight gain over a couple of weeks after I went off Atkins induction (20g carbs per day) and began eating normally. I don't know what I weight but I can still fit into my "fat clothes", thank goodness. And I don't care, which is completely amazing. I am learning the skills (that people without weight issues or eating disorders already have) that will enable me to lose weight in the future. Each time I overeat (which is often because I'm used to eating so much more) I realize that it is way too much, and see how I could scale down in future meals.

For example, last night I ate a regular meal with a beer at a local pub. My "normal" meal would be to eat everything plus two beers. The last time I did that I felt way overstuffed---it was a first for me to really experience that. So last night it seemed like one beer and all of the food was good, and it felt fine. However, maybe a half hour later I started feeling overstuffed and bloated, and I realized that even my smaller choice was too much. Next time I'll have either the beer or the meal...or maybe the beer and half the meal, depending. It consistently surprises me how little food it takes to satisfy me. I realize that the reason I ate so much in the past (and didn't feel stuffed) is that (1) I wasn't letting myself feel at all, and (2) I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get more, or that it would be too hard to get more...basically that scarcity was involved. Presence and awareness.

So it truly feels freeing that I can have WHATEVER I want when my body is ready for it. And that I can even overeat if I want to---stuff myself---if I want to feel that way, as well. This freedom allows me to willingly choose NOT to overeat instead of forcing myself to stay in control all the time because of fear of gaining weight.

I also have learned a lot about body acceptance because of TWL. I have read some other books too on this subject, helping me to accept myself exactly as I am right now. I can look at my body and see that it's rather large but try to love it as I look upon it instead of criticize it. My body is remarkably healthy for all I've put it through, and has adapted the best way it's known how. It's a wonderful and miraculous body, and I'm working on appreciating it, which is also very freeing.

I think that the state I hope to arrive at someday fairly soon is the feeling I've dreamed about---being able to eat whatever I want as much as I want and not gaining a bit of weight---because "whatever I want" and "as much as I want" has changed so much.



~Pictures by LoveHubbie Mark

Winter Solstice

I wanted to link to some very special Solstice/holiday posts:

Kate I of Thru My Lens Lightly has twin posts for Dec 21st and Dec 22nd that are well worth a read and a look. They will warm your heart.

View Elderwoman's Solstice post and Christine's Visual Mediation too.


This is a video of my Winter Solstice Celebration, 4:30:





The Magic Stones aren't really magic, of course. They are called Magic Stones! Other resources: Most of the Labyrinths and the fairy was done by Stasia of Golden Light Ceramics. And click on the link on the right sidebar if you're interested in finding out more about Energy Muse jewelry.

Here are the Magic Stones I selected. This video is 1:30 long:




A blessed and beautiful Winter Solstice to everyone!

My Sacred Life Day 18

My Quiet Time.

Many days in the morning when I get up I have what I call a quiet time. It's at this time that I use what I call my "spiritual tools", each of which I am so grateful for. I don't use all of them every day, but choose what I feel inspired to use on any given day, depending on how much time I can allot to my quiet time. This quiet time is a part of my new structure, in that I'm going to take the time to have a quiet time every day, even if it's only for a few minutes.

Here are my spiritual tools:

1. Journaling.

I really let myself go in my journal, writing all types of lists, thoughts, stream-of-consciousness things, secret things. I also use it to help me make decisions. A really good journal time for me is pretty time intensive; it takes me about an hour to get into the nitty-gritty stuff, but almost never make that much time. This journal---the nicest I've ever had---was made for me by Leslie at Comfortable Shoes Studio.




2. Labyrinth.

I love when I can walk a labyrinth, but mostly I finger-walk my small personal labyrinths. This one was made by Stasia. They are meditative tools that put me in a receptive mode to hear Spirit.



3. Candles.

I love the ritual of lighting a candle to start my quiet time, especially a fragrant aromatherapy candle. I used to use another type of candle, but then found out about Carla's, so I exclusively use hers now, since they're so wonderful.



4. Energy Muse Necklaces.

I wear one of these necklaces every day, depending upon my mood, and upon what I want to remind myself of throughout the day. They are intentional necklaces that carry a special energetic vibration of their own. This one is called Pele, named after the Hawaiian volcano goddess, a necklace that I exclusively wear in Hawaii, and it is my favorite. I do keep it on my dresser all the time, though:



5. Tea.

I drink a cup of tea as a ritual while I'm having my quiet time.




6. Prayer Beads.

These are a new addition to my quiet time "menu". They are lovely beads made by Deborah of Story-Beads. They are very special to me. I walk with them when I go on a meditative walk. I use this one in particular to scan and be in my body. These in particular are "Clarity and Balance" beads.



7. ACIM.

Stands for "A Course in Miracles", a program of spiritual psychotherapy that I study to become more peaceful and forgiving.



8. Daybook.

I am always reading a daybook for inspiration, which helps me to sense the passage of time through the year as I work through it. I am currently reading Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have":



9. Other Reading.

I am always reading several spiritual books, just because they feed my spirit. Here's my current stack:



10. Oracle Cards.

Sometimes I read oracle cards and sometimes inspirational cards, but I love them. Currently, I am using Sonia Choquette's "Trust Your Vibes" deck:



11. Hawaii.

I incorporate something of Hawaii into every quiet time, because I am passionately in love with Hawaii, and doing so makes my soul happy.



12. My Aloha Religion.

Lastly, I have a "statement of beliefs" that is actually 17 pages long that is an amalgamation of all of the important spiritual things I believe. I call it "my aloha religion" because it has much in common with Hawaiian cultural values, but it is uniquely my own. Sometimes I read it when I feel far from who I really am, when I need to be reminded of what I stand for.




Again, I don't do these all---ever, but just pick the ones that resonate for the day! I am not myself without some sort of quiet time, though---the most sacred time of the day for me.

~Pictures by LoveHubbie (the good ones) and Me (the rest)

Spiritual Loneliness

I wanted to write something about my current spiritual life. Annie had written about how she feels alone on her otherwise rich spiritual journey. Rebecca has written about her aloneness too. I love my spiritual life, but I yearn for others to connect with in real life. Annie wrote that the only people she connects with spiritually are in her virtual community online and those people she pays to see, like her naturopath. Exactly. How. I. Feel.

I have been praying for a while about finding spiritual community after reading “Trust Your Vibes” in which Sonia Choquette discusses the importance of what she calls “soul support”. Oh, how I long for soul support! This online community is rich, rich, rich with soul support and is my lifeline to positivity, encouragement, and edification. But there are times when I want to go to, say, a lecture (which Annie wrote about) or when I want to discuss something with someone using my voice, that I feel impatient to meet people in the flesh.

Rebecca wrote about how thinking about going to a church leaves her cold. I feel the same way. I can never again even go somewhere where I feel the people around me want to take my spirit hostage. I spent years as a younger person looking for a church to interpret and define my beliefs and will never do that again…still…I wish that I could lasso up all of the people whose blogs I read and put them physically in one place with tables and good food and soft couches and blankets and pillows and fresh flowers and actually talk with them, hug them, and feel one with them.

I do feel one with different people in my daily life, but it’s a difference feeling one with like-minded people.

Does anyone else feel this way?

~Picture by LoveHubbie Mark