Sacred Life Sunday: Kikipotamus the Hobo Comes to the happyluau

So it's true! Today Kikipotamus the Hobo (Kelly) is coming to visit me, all the way from Windsor, Ontario. I cannot wait. I have known Kelly since at least 2007 but just online, so it is the first time we'll meet. Fun will result!

It is not just fun, though; it means so much that Kelly would travel to spend time here in the woods with me. I treasure our friendship! It will make this Sunday sacred indeed. More to follow...

Sacred Sunday: Releasing Unforgiveness, Abusive Mothers, Prejudice

On Sundays I sometimes like to do personal work on issues that are troubling me. Today I went for a long walk and worked on releasing prejudice, unforgiveness, anger, and hurt. There was a lot more than I thought to process, but I felt better afterwards. Such big things will take a lot of work to fully let go of, I'm thinking, but I do feel like I made a lot of progress today.

The issues I worked on today had to do with mothers emotionally harming their children. I've changed the names for privacy.

The first mother I focused on is someone I'll call Nelly. I wrote about her last month in my post called Enemies. I want to release the negative feelings and judgments I have towards her. Nelly is a pious fundamentalist Christian mother who taught her children that God had enough people doing good for others; she wanted her family to work together to help God deliver his punishments to others. She set about doing this vigorously as a life mission--a judgment-based crusade with Nelly as The Judge. She included in her crusade her ex-husband, oblivious to the fact that this would cause her children to reject a part of themselves as they rejected their father.

Today I worked on forgiving Nelly, knowing that she would have to be stunted emotionally to consider such actions. I wouldn't expect someone who is so deeply emotionally developmentally disabled to be able to do more. At some level she probably loves her children. She may even have no idea what she is doing. If she ever does wake up and realize what she's done she may not even be able to handle it.

My part in this is that I am one of the people Nelly thinks deserves ongoing punishment for my sins, administered by her and her children. I worked on expressing anger towards Nelly first, then forgiving her. I worked towards trying to send blessings and healing energies her way.

Now as adults not all of the children still follow Nelly's ways, but some do. It hurts me to see this way of thinking passed down. I am powerless over all of it, though, and can only send love their way.

Next came Minnie. Minnie is a very self-righteous woman, someone I grew up with and cared greatly about. Minnie and Nelly share a worldview in that they are both fundamentalist Christians. Minnie thought that it would be better to alienate her children from people who didn't have "Christian lifestyles" that measured up to Minnie's standards. This would protect them, she thought.

I was one of those people that didn't measure up in Minnie's mind. At that time I was a Christian, but just not the right kind. So Minnie made sure that her children had no contact with me. I disagreed with this and it hurt, especially since I was related to Minnie and her children.

Now as I try to forgive Minnie, I can see that her intentions were good. She was trying to protect her children from someone with dangerous ideas (any ideas that were different from hers) and with ways of being in the world that were threatening to her worldview.  I experienced a lot of hurt and sadness as a result of her actions, and continue to experience it even now because Minnie's adult children continue in her lifestyle as adults.

I followed the same process here: first anger, then feelings of sadness for the loss of relationship, trying to establish some empathy, forgiveness, then sending love.

Then came Queenie. Queenie is a mother who tries to control her children and everyone else. She also is a Christian, therefore many things are done because it seems to her that this is the way God wants it. She did some things to one of my family members that tore their family apart, and caused them to lose custody of their children because she lied. Queenie is a really hard person for me to forgive. I have a thing about lying, and really struggle...

Anyway, she has nothing in particular against me; it's just that if you don't let her run your life, you'll be very sorry. She bullies people into doing what she wants.

More of the same here for me: releasing resentment, forgiveness for so many things, struggling to send goodness her way.

Empathy helps. I have never done this type of thing to anyone, but if I really felt like I had to have control to the point that I would die or implode, I might. We are all capable of anything, I believe, given the right past, the right experiences, etc. I don't believe that I'm any better of a person than Queenie--or for that matter, than Nelly or Minnie. I just have had a different past and am a different person.

Then I focused on my own mother. She was verbally and physically abusive to us. I went through the same process with her because it just felt like I needed to. This is probably why I feel so keenly about mothers who hurt their children--because it happened to me.

Even though she hurt her children deeply, I'm sure she didn't want to. I'm sure she would feel devastated to know the damage she did. I remember her crying each time afterwards, telling me how much she loved me and how sorry she was. What a life to live--to beat and verbally abuse your children--to hate yourself, and then get up the next day and do it all over again.

When you are abused and you survive and you still love your parent, it shows you that you are strong enough to make it through, and that you have an amazing ability to love. I don't know that I have much love left for my mother (mostly just relief that she is gone--she died over 30 years ago) but I don't hate her anymore, which I think is a good thing. I know that she did many good things for us and did the best she could.

Lastly, I thought about another mother I know who I'll call Bunnie. I had a long conversation with Bunnie this week, and she is a different kind of mother than the ladies above. Bunnie loves her children--really loves her children. She had a difficult upbringing, but had a mother who truly showed her all the love she possibly could. She told her every day that she was special and made her feel loved and valued. Bunnie was truly mothered.

Bunnie has taken a different approach to raising her children. Instead of "protecting" them from family members with different beliefs, instead of lying to them to alienate them from people she disagrees with, instead of manipulating people to try to control her children's experiences, instead of insulating them from life with religious beliefs--she has loved them. She's had integrity in how she has cared for her children.

But she learned how to love from her mother. She was taught well. Nelly, Minnie, Queenie, my mother--none of them had that. All of them were repeating what they knew and trying so hard to get it right.

Understanding this, putting all of this in perspective really helped me in being able to forgive. Of course, I'm not done yet--this is a process that will take a long time, but I feel freer, as though I've made an excellent start.

Today's work also helped me to release prejudice towards fundamentalist Christians. I've written about this before. This is something I really need to deal with. All Christians are not like Nelly, Minnie, and Queenie. People like these three ladies are attracted to all kinds of groups and spiritual systems that can make them feel good about their actions; fundamentalist Christianity just happened to be the one they picked.

I used to be a fundamentalist Christian, and I was really doing the best I could. I wanted to be a loving person. I couldn't see that judgment and unforgiveness had no place in Christianity. We called it "discernment". We thought we were right. We thought we were righteous. We would project our feelings onto others--all of them that we had no room for--which were quite a few of them. The feelings that we did have, we were told never, ever, ever to trust. Still, there is no basis for me to judge a whole group of people based upon my bad experiences and my experiences with these mothers. They could have picked another kind of group and achieved the same results; it just was easy to pick Christianity because it was there.

Not sure why I wanted to share this all with you, but I did. I hope that there is something to be gleaned from it. I hope that perhaps I might inspire you to forgive those you want to forgive. Or maybe you have some prejudice against some group of people that you want to release. Or maybe it's just to validate that you are a mother who really loves her children, like Bunnie, and is not too emotionally developmentally disabled to show it. Maybe it's to be grateful that you are the person you are, someone not trapped in some weird psychological knot that causes you to act out in destructive ways and hurt those around you. Maybe it's to show more empathy to those people you know who are trapped.

Thank you for listening today, Sacred Sunday, xoO

Goings On...Back Home

Thanks to all who wished my well after my bout with gastroenteritis. People are being hit like gangbusters with "sudden vomiting and diarrhea"...we had a cheerleading competition here in WA and the cheerleaders were smitten--not pretty.

I'm now back from Atlanta, and wanted to share a few pictures and movies of the snow here from the last few weeks with you. These are before the subsequent wind and ice storm, before all the damage was done, when things were still pretty. I hope that you enjoy them...

This is our back porch:

Here's our woodshed seen out of the bedroom window. Can you see the little towers of snow on the tops of the posts?

Here's my car covered in the snow:

You almost can't recognize the front of the house:

This is a 29 second video in which I try and fail to capture snow falling from the trees. It's still so beautiful...

It came out a little small, and the quality isn't what I'd like. I'll work on this :) It's impErFect!


And in this 26 second video you can feel the stillness...the only sound is that of the chimes.

Peace and love to each one of you...I am glad to be back and to see you here!

Cleaning Up the Mess

Oh my, what a mess we have here!

After Snowmageddon 2012, we had a wind and ice storm that brought down more debris, so I have my hands full helping to coordinate the cleanup with the assistance of our wonderful insurance agency. I'm learning a lot about many different things and meeting new people--our project manager (who works with the construction workers, the roofer, the painters, and the gutter installers), an arborist who will see what trees can be saved, the people who will clean up the large debris and do chipping, and our terrific gardener who is taking care of regular debris cleanup.

While this is going on, I am making a short trip to Atlanta to support a relative there in the treatment program I've visited before. It is an alumni visit, a reunion of sorts, and I'm quite excited about it.

The mess will still be here when I return, but I think good progress will be made.

I am so very, very grateful for power.

I am also grateful to NOT be one of the people who had trees fall and crash through their roofs, effectively cutting their houses in two. Or who had their roofs pierced by a tree branch and now have water all over their belongings. Or who didn't have insurance and now are faced with overwhelming financial losses.

This storm was something that I know we all will remember here for years to come.

Thank you for all of your support, prayers, and comments, my friends.

Snowmageddon 2012

Hello to everyone; I have been snowed in here in south Puget Sound for the past several days. I'm sure it's been on the news--"Snowmageddon" is what everyone here is calling it...I guess we were some of the worst hit here. My blog has been posting away posts that I've scheduled in advance, and so I'll catch up with it, your blogs, and your emails here in the next few days or so.

We've had no power for about a week. I'm very fortunate to have a propane generator so it means I have toilet facilities and water, a few lights, a microwave, and hot water in one bathroom--this puts me way ahead of most people out here. I also have limited heat from a wood stove.

I got my phone service back Saturday--this made a big difference. And my Internet came back yesterday so I'm dashing this off to let you know that I have not disappeared, just have been cut off from the world in a blanket of snow, wind, ice, and stormy weather. When propane runs out (soon) I'll finally have to evacuate, but keep hoping that the power comes on before that.

Because of our forested location, we're among the last to get power back. According to our electric company, there are only 53,000 people left and I'm in that group.

We had slight damage: a large tree limb falling on our house, narrowly missing a huge window (the one in my nook) but causing a bit of damage, gutters, trim off, broken railings, etc. And we lost our fence that goes around the property, several trees, and our chicken run collapsed. We are very fortunate because it could have been much worse. There are stories of people whose houses were cut in half by the huge trees that fell in this storm. And we are fortunate because we have insurance which will pay for most of the damage less a big fat deductible.

The things I missed the worst were not the heat nor the hot water nor the stove nor the television. The things I missed were:
(1) You, my community (gosh did I feel alone),
(2) Being able to go outside and walk and move around, and
(3) All of the people that I usually see and interact with every day.

The last one surprised me because I wouldn't have thought that, since I'm so introverted. But you know, my car hasn't been driven in 11 days! I've had a few visitors, thank God, but have been in the house the whole time. LoveHubbie is going to take care of the driveway so that I can get out tomorrow (I have no chains or four wheel drive) and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've missed you and it's good to be back in touch.

One Year Ago Today

Today is my deceased mother's birthday, but that's not why I remember today.

Today is the date that a beloved uncle of mine died, but that's not why I remember today.

Today I am so grateful. One year ago today I got a diagnosis of macular degeneration and thought I was losing my eyesight. I lived with this diagnosis for two months, until March 15th, when I got a second opinion from an expert in macular degeneration and found out I was fine. It ended up that I had several eye problems, but none of them that would cause blindness in the near future. These eye problems perfectly mimicked macular degeneration when seen by a general ophthalmologist who would not have all of the specialized equipment of a specialist.

I can see!

Those of you who are reading this normally can also see, and it is a blessed gift. Today, celebrate with me, and please grateful for the wondrous gift of sight!

Why I Changed My Name to Olivia

(My family of origin--I am at the far left wearing the sunsuit.)

For years, whenever I heard people call my birth name, I would flinch or startle. This was because for years my mother would scream my name as she would beat me; I had such terrible memories of my childhood and I wanted to put them behind me. So, I finally changed my name when I was 33.

I picked "Olivia" partly because the name means "peace" and partly because of the "liv" in the center. Peace was what I valued above all else and what was missing from my childhood. And I wanted to live, instead of die, as my mother had raised me--my mother brought me up believing that I would die, like all of the other oldest daughters my maternal line of ancestry, shortly before my 45th birthday.

My grandmother had died a few days before she was to turn 45, as had her mother. My mother was convinced that she too would never live to see 45. She raised me to think I would not either. For example, when I said I wanted to walk with a pretty cane when I was an old lady, my mother would say, "You know you will never be old--you're going to die just like my mother and grandmother because you're an oldest daughter."

I never wanted to be anything like my mother. Especially, I wanted to live instead of die. I love that saying my name reminds me of what I want to do. I also had some intensive counseling for the year after I turned 44. I reminded myself that my ancestors were miserable (as my mother had described them) and had probably wanted to die--like my mother. I was happy, loved life, and did not want to die!

My mother looked forward to death and anticipated hers with resignation. She was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia and died on January 3rd, eight days before her 45th birthday. I remember the lessons she taught me when this time of year rolls around.

I was reminded of this also by Kim's post and her choice of the word "Live" for 2012. Writing this now, I realize that she posted this on the 30th anniversary of my mother's death.

As cruel as my mother's heritage might seem to some, she taught me many things about life and about how I wanted to be in the world. She had a horrific upbringing and truly did the best she could with what she knew. I do not miss her, but I am grateful for the lessons she left with me.

And that's how I came to be known as "Olivia".

Sacred Life Sunday: Necessary Rest

Sometimes we choose rest, and other times our bodies demand rest. Friday my body demanded rest.

I had various health challenges that rose up throughout last week while I was pushing to meet my quotas for NaNoWriMo and Art Every Day November. To make a long story short, it did not work for me to incorporate these wonderful projects into my life right now, to my great disappointment. I successfully worked them both for three days while also needing to install a new operating system on my computer, coping with a distraught family member who became suicidal, and finding out that my migraine medication of 40 years has been discontinued and having nothing effective to replace it with. Several other stresses rose up too. I haven't had such a week in many years.

Among other minor health challenges, I developed carpal tunnel syndrome again in my wrists along with the tendons in my thumbs becoming inflamed (due to the extra typing I was doing). I therefore have to keep my typing to a minimum for a while, and am hoping that since I only let this continue for a few days it will reverse itself. I also severely strained my left shoulder--I'm still not sure what is wrong with it.

So I'm resting this weekend.

I do accept this, and will figure out what to do later on after I'm feeling better again. (:

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

My Professional Plans And NaNoWriMo

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome you gave to me as I've returned to blogging. I loved your comments, and I received the inner nourishment they gave me. I send my love radiating back to each of you!

Believe it or not, I intended to blog "almost" daily, and here it is again almost another week having passed...I am not as organized nor as on top of things as I've been, I'm afraid.

Well, I'm at a point in my life in which I need to return to work, probably by next year sometime. So it's not really soon, but I can't delay forever. I need to be at least thinking about it now. As I see it, I have five main choices:

(1) Go back to being a Life Coach.
If I did this option, I could make the most money, but it takes a lot of energy and verve to be an entrepreneur, and I'm more in a self-healing mode right now, so I don't know about this one. Also on the plus side, I could work from home, and things are so beautiful and peaceful here. In addition, I could see myself doing this for the long haul. I already know how I would coach, but I'd need to freshen up my credentials and get a bit more training, too. This option would take a lot of effort to implement.

(2) Be Underemployed.
I like this one. It would be almost effortless. It would involve getting an easy job of some type, temporarily and just for the money until the point would come where I could launch something bigger. This honors the healing mode I'm in. Such jobs can stifle creativity though (at least for me), so I wouldn't want to get stuck there for years and years. When I'm stuck in this way it can be hard to summon the energy to live a bigger life. I am not a high-energy person, and this could leave me in a stagnant place unable to get out.

(3) Write.
This is my dream job, and one that really doesn't involve money unless I have the luxury of waiting for an indefinite period of time, because I don't want to write articles--I want to write novels. On the one hand, I love the contemplative lifestyle, I could work from home, and many people think this is what I should do. On the other hand, who actually makes money as a writer, and can I be one of those very few people?

(4) Something Else.
This is something I haven't thought of yet.

(5) Some Combination of the above.
I thrive with a single focus, am not too good with multi-tasking. However, it's possible.

If I take Oprah's advice that she gave recently in an interview at Facebook headquarters, there is one clear choice for me. Oprah said that she was scared to death of starting her own television network. She asked herself, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" (That old standby coaching question!) Then it was easy for her to know how to proceed--of course, she would start her own television network.

So if I ask myself that same question, the clear choice (and also the one I am most afraid of) is option number (3). To explore it I am thinking that I may enter NaNoWriMo again. NaNoWriMo is a creative writing project in which people all over the world (over 200,000 people) join together and write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. It is an annual contest. You win if you finish. I did it once back in 2007, and loved it. From that time, I have the first half of a novel--a draft--but a pretty decent one, I think.

After NaNoWriMo I was all charged up to write. I ended up writing a non-fiction book for a charity that may ultimately get published someday, but for that for now is in limbo. I spent a lot of time writing that book, and oodles of money getting it edited, and it has languished. I suspect it may never be published. I can't afford for that to happen again--have a book be a money pit. I learned a lot from that experience though.

So, to get things fired up again, I'm thinking that I may just do NaNoWriMo next month. I could end up with a completed draft of a book. I'd be writing part two of that book I wrote four years ago. It would only be one month out of my life and I'd learn if the person I am today enjoys that kind of work, fun, and intensity. I'd also learn if what I write could be any good and make any money, even a nominal amount. That would be useful feedback.

So what do you think? I really value your opinions; everyone thinks so differently and I find much insight in the advice of wise friends (you).

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Two Months Have Gone By!

It has been almost two months since I last blogged. I don't think I've ever taken that long of a hiatus since I started blogging back in the 90's. It certainly wasn't planned.

I found myself in a time when there was so little I had to share, mostly for privacy reasons, but also because my creativity had dried up a lot, and it seemed to be all I could do to just function in my life with its seemingly enormous challenges, and limit my online life to keeping up with all of your blogs, and a stray random Facebook comment now and again. Towards the end I read your blogs but couldn't even bring myself to comment. The intense family issues I've been experiencing have kept me absorbed and busy.

I felt as though I had nothing to give and just received, received, received, which really felt good. I was like a dry sponge that was cracking and needed to just let in support and love from other people, which I did receive in spades. Including from many of you, for which I am so grateful. Thank you, thank you!

Many aspects of my life have changed in the last four months or so, all for the better. I've been involved in lots and lots of therapy--individual and group, Twelve Step work, and practical lifestyle changes. Last week I spent the entire week in Atlanta, Georgia, at a Family Week in a treatment center learning about addiction and enjoying 2-3 hours of intense therapy per day. My family is different now, moving on a positive path, and I am grateful for all of it. I would never have thought I could have said that.

Along the way I have met many wonderful people, both professionals and non, some of the most caring people imaginable. It has been a great experience. I have been struck by the strength and courage of so many people who are in recovery and of those who support people in recovery. My sense of reality and my personal beliefs have changed and I have grown.

So today I wanted to update you, and then see if I can continue blogging, to take on the challenge of being authentic and yet respecting issues of privacy and anonymity. It won't be easy, but I miss blogging, and I miss all of you--the part of our interaction where I share my life with you too, not just yours with me. So here we go....

Sacred Life Sunday: Connected In a Place of Safety

The Internet is not safe, how could it be...yet, here I have found a safe place to express myself.

Kathryn Antyr from Collage Diva wrote this post about how she feels connection with other people online and how when someone IRL (in real life) dismisses her online life she has a disconnect with them. I too feel this way. It feels like the person who does not understand is shutting a door that I then will not be able to open to them.

It is a struggle for me though, to find balance between an online life and a life in vivo or in person because paradoxically I do feel safer online. I think this is an illusion.

What do you think?

Floating In Limbo, Waiting, Learning...

It has been 17 days since I've last blogged and so much has happened, I hardly know how to catch up.

I've been "hanging in there", taking one day at a time, which for me is a triumph. I'm still here, and haven't fallen apart. Someone I care a great deal about is though (falling apart), health-wise and otherwise, making decisions that have really painful consequences. I've been working to take care of myself, to not be controlling (as much as I know how to do, a skill that I am continuing to hone daily) or interfering beyond sharing my concerns and offering my support. I've been working to not try to plan for the future, as it feels as though I'm standing on sand that is shifting below my feet and it's all I can do to not fall down or sink.

This takes up most of my life energy, of course. I don't have much creative mojo for writing or art. I know it will come back when there is the space for it.

I've missed Sacred Life Sundays, although life feels so sacred to me every single day. I feel blessed in so many ways and very happy to be alive. Happy to see.

I've missed Share the Joy Thursdays; I haven't been able to share the joy with you all, but have felt your joy as I've visited your blogs, usually not commenting, but not wanting to lose touch as I ride my roller coaster of a life. I've felt joy through much of my own each day as well, especially in the small things.

I've missed Wellness Wednesdays, but other than problems with minor anxiety-related things (e.g., insomnia, blepharospasm, globus hystericus, panic attacks, migraines, etc.), I've been remarkably healthy, one of the greatest blessings of all. I somaticize a lot, and these are things I've dealt with in the past in a less concentrated and less intense way and don't consider serious--just warning signs that my body is trying to process everything and is having difficulty. I do heed them, though, and am really focused on getting through this time. Sometimes I don't think I have the skills but really I know I do.

This weekend I'm doing the prep for a colonoscopy, which I'm having on Monday. I had one that was unsuccessful two years ago and have been working up the courage to repeat it. This definitely qualifies as a Be Brave challenge for me, as I dread them. For some weird reason, I really fear perforation of my colon--I'm actually phobic about it--but only during a colonoscopy, which limits the problem that it is in my life. It's pretty much the only thing I'm phobic about and I don't get colonoscopies. Except for this one on Monday.

Then right after the colonoscopy I'm off to my stepson's wedding. My husband is the groom's father. The rest of the family--the engaged couple, the bride's parents and the groom's mother and stepfather--have primarily been involved in the planning, not us. We are paying for part of it and are invited to much of it. It will be great for LoveHubbie to see his family, especially his adult children, and get to meet everyone--the bride and her parents, especially. It's in Texas.

In this post, I think I'm not saying more than I'm saying, but I know you will understand and hear.

Wellness Wednesday: A Diagnosis

Recently I've been having some trouble with my eyes. I have very good eyes, but many eye issues, some of them genetic, and in addition a really high myopic prescription. I've also had a retinal detachment--about 15 years ago--and eye surgery. Over the years though, my eyes have done a yeoman's job of consistent hard work bearing up with all of the paces I've put them through with voracious reading, computer work, and other types of close work.

About every decade or so my vision changes and it's a big huge deal. Everything I do involves my vision and so it is a challenge to get through my life while dealing with the old glasses that don't work, traveling to get the new prescriptions when I can't see, discovering and dealing with incorrectly made glasses, coping with the frustration of prescriptions that unavoidably need to be tweaked, etc. I need to see at least an opthalmologist, optometrist, and optician and they all have to work together. I now have a good team but it will still take some time to get glasses that work.

I haven't been online as much, and each time I do go on it means dealing with eyestrain, headaches, etc. No more keeping up with my Twitter stream, and barely keeping up with Facebook, everyone's blog, etc. I haven't read a book or written an Amazon review in quite a while.

Then yesterday I had the exam with the opthalmologist. I'm supposed to go every year, but have put it off for three years because I really--really--dislike the retinal exam, and my eyes have been fine. No good excuse, but still...He found two new diseases. The first one is probably/possibly inconsequential--Fuch's guttata--I don't have it too badly at this point. The second one is serious.

So I have macular degeneration. I am pretty young to have it. It may progress slowly or quickly, and there is no way to know, but I need to be very careful with my diet to maximize a slower progression. I may die still being able to see or I may lose my ability to read, see faces, and drive "soon"--whatever that means. Since this was just yesterday I am reeling with the shock of the diagnosis and random ideas like:

• I may only be able to read 100 more books. (See, this was actually true before but I didn't know it...it's true for everyone.)
• Last week I was worried about having time to do art...now I'll be lucky if I can see art.
• I may see my last Maui sunset on our vacation to Maui next month. (Better to be grateful to ever see a Maui sunset!)
• I may someday not be able to keep up with my online community. Or google things.
• My life may be limited in ways I can't imagine soon. 

At the same time I am having other more positive random ideas like:

• I fell several times in the last ten years and never lost my vision (I have weak retinas)--I have been blessed every time. 
• My life is not in danger from this.
• Some things are way, way more important than they were a couple of days ago. Some things are much less important. Things are moving into perspective--a good thing.
• Many people have low or no vision and have full lives.
• Change is inevitable.
• Each one of us has challenges and limitations due to disease and/or aging, and I am incredibly blessed to have health insurance, the financial resources to address this, and nutritional knowledge which may now help to save my sight. 
• God and/or a Loving Universe will not give me more than I can handle, and all will be well.

It takes time to process a difficult medical diagnosis. Doing so is life-changing. Having lots of feelings--even being an emotional basket case for a while--is totally normal. So that's what I'm up to. I've been having some tough days...and...all is well.

All is well.

Life is Short, Let Go of Striving

I wanted to share with my happyluau readers something from my private homeopathic hcg diet blog, edited and enhanced here, because it relates to life in general, and some of you may find something to encourage or inspire you in it.

I mean this in a good way, that I'm not going to be trying to figure out what my body is doing with respect to weight loss, but just doing the very best I can, letting my body do its thing and not worrying.

I wrote about something in a comment about self-beatings. I grew up being beaten up physically (and verbally) almost daily by my mother. I got used to this. As part of my personal growth journey, I've tied the way I've used food to these beatings. I would overeat and feel badly and then punish myself with my thoughts. This deeply held pattern was carrying on my mother's horrible legacy in a particularly mean way. I don't want to do this to myself! So my goal now is to either: Choose to eat, to enjoy it, and not beat myself up about it; or choose to tap*, or not eat, and not feel deprived either. Just choose. And be gentle. And enjoy.

Overeating, though, is not really enjoying. Eating what my body wants is.

At 53, I probably will only live (at most) 17-40 more years. That's not many to me! And that's if I don't get hit by a bus or have an aneurysm or something like that. I continually remember what happened to Chani--my very intimate friend who died unexpectedly at 58. I don't want to carry on my mother's legacy or do anything more to myself or to anyone else that isn't kind, gentle, and loving. I don't want to abuse myself anymore by overeating, but instead use food for what it was intended--health, delight, celebration, joy, fuel--in quantities easily handled by my body. Sometimes I won't get it right, but that's okay. I want to be a good healthy weight. So that I can move around and not hurt so much in my remaining years. 

No one will be looking at me in my coffin knowing or caring if I was 176 or 183 or 192.8 pounds. (Actually I'm going to be cremated so no one will be looking at me period.) And no one will care what I did on the hcg diet--if it was 24 pounds I lost or 28 or 34 or 40. I don't even care too much now, although I do want the hard work and missed good meals to pay off. 

I just want to be GOOD to myself. As good as I am to everyone else, better even. Gentle, kind, sweet. That's all, now.

PS. I am tapping a lot lately. Really getting into it as an almost meditation practice.

PPS. I was highly, highly inspired by Patti Digh's post yesterday on "Letting Go of Striving". What wisdom! I think/hope I am doing this with respect to my weight. Years ago...I was 24 years old...a prophet "had a word for me" (this was someone who didn't know me at all, and the only time this ever happened), and it was "Stop striving!" So it has taken me almost thirty years, but I think I am finally learning how to do this.

*"tapping" refers to "fasterEFT" the protocol and philosophy of EFT (a type of energy work combining a sort of acupressure with neurolinguistic programming and hypnosis)  I am now learning.

This "letting go of striving" that Patti writes about is probably the biggest lesson I wish I'd learned when I was younger. Knowing what really matters.

Today, let go of striving. Be gentle with yourself and with others. Accept yourself and enjoy your days. Remember Chani, who thought she had forever--she didn't and neither do you. You have today, so celebrate and be good to yourself, my dear sweet friends. Enjoy this day, which is filled with blessings.

~Photo is old photo of Chani of when she was much younger, one that she especially liked, edited by me.

Someone Colored Her Hair

So I got my hair colored (freshened up) for Brazil and I'm crazy about it.

It had been dyed a dark brownish red with some blond highlights, but the red faded fast and it ended up being a plain dark brown with a bit of blond. The half-inch roots were nasty--dark brown and gray--not a nice look for anyone.

My stylist decided to dye all the ends super-red and the gray roots red. It is the most amazing look. It sounds weird and edgy and it is. Color all over and especially at the roots. I've never seen this done before with red and so here are some pictures by LoveHubbie:

Break

As you know, I'm going to take a little break to go to a family wedding in Brazil, but happyluau will keep right on going due to scheduled posts. So I've left a couple more posts here for the short time I'll be gone (less than a week), so please check back. I'll miss you greatly. Love to each and every one of you, O.

Back Again

Once again, I have been allowing my blog to languish. I have many posts planned in my heads but have been procrastinating until...and the days just fly by.

LoveHubbie and I have been enjoying a wonderful and intense (in a good way) visit from our son D. It is a man vacation for the two men, and one that is very special as they haven't been alone together for more than a few minutes in almost a decade. D is in his early twenties, has been married just over a year, and is technically my stepson. Because of circumstances of his parent's divorce, it has never worked out for D or LoveHubbie to have father-son time like this. The vacation started out with four rapid-fire fishing trips, two on a lake, one in a large river, and one in the ocean. Lots of male bonding time and everyone had a great time.

I stayed home and enjoyed taking care of things on the home front and processing much of what has been happening.

I react in an interesting way to guests. We only have people stay in our home that we are crazy about. I enjoy them so much and really push myself to visit, because time is always limited and there never seems to be enough of it. I hate to go to bed each night because it means our interactions are ending for the day. Often the next day, I'm exhausted, but then I push myself to have lots of together time because I want to be around my company. And...you can guess what always happens...I crash and my body protests by getting ill, even to the point once (with my closest friend) of getting shingles.

So this time has been terrific. D is staying for over a week, which we're thrilled about, so there isn't as much time pressure. And too, being alone while they are out doing man things helps me to process and nurture my inner hermit and extreme introversion (which I see as getting my energy from being alone).

Special thank you's are in order to J, who is D's wonderful young bride who was willing to let her husband go on a long vacation with his father. And to LoveHubbie's staff who keeps the office running while he is away. To LoveHubbie's fishing buddy and his fishing buddy's wife who have helped this dynamic duo out so much, including helping out when they forgot their worms and supplying them with delicious chicken sandwiches. And while I'm at it, special thank you's to all of the many people who support us in different ways, including you, my blogging friends, who are always there and who share your caring for me in so many ways. And an extra special thank you to Kelly, for always noticing when I go into hiding and gently calling me out.

Art In Hair

The last time I had my hair done, I had it colored brown (its real color before the gray) with blond highlights and bright red highlights. It looked great when I walked out of the salon and then appalling after that. So I went back. My hairdresser is a young woman named Stephanie and she is only 21 years old. She went to a high school that let her train in hair design while she was in school so that she could begin working while she was still taking classes. Thus, by 18 she had a lot of experience. She is an artist.

Stephanie showed me how to fix my hair to work with the highlights and I've been thrilled ever since. This coming weekend it will already have been a couple of months and I'm having my hair color again refreshed (as in roots touched up).

Now, many hairstylists would not believe me when I'd say I want something stylish yet wild and edgy. They give me a conservative matronly haircut and color.

Not so, I say! I want to brighten up when I look in the mirror and not be bored. I don't care about fitting in. I don't wear makeup except lipstick, so I need some color in my hair! Stephanie gets this.

I have been looking at pictures of friends' hair and loving it. Kelly and Carla are short and sweet and sexy. Lori-lyn is passionately red. Kate is natural and luxurious. Jane is long and lovely. Each one of you is so beautiful.

Okay, Some More Household News

So this crew from One Hour Heating and Air-Conditioning is working with their sister company, Mr. Sparky to put in a furnace, air-conditioning system, and generator in our house. I've written about it here. There are some unusual things about this company that I wanted to blog about.

First of all, they don't charge by the hour, but by the job. And they break it down into parts so that you can choose what services you want just like a menu at a restaurant, based on how much you want and what you can afford. They have to come on time, or you get the job for free. And they must wear shoe booties in your house. My clean hardwood floors like that and so do I. They are very clean--they clean up after themselves and leave no damage or dirt behind. They must be professional and treat you with respect at all times--if they even swear you get either the job for free or several hundred dollars off. They're kind of quiet too...I mean, for contractor-type people doing repairs.

I like them.

They both have franchises all over, so if you're looking for someone good, check these companies out. Check out their rating with the Better Business Bureau too, as they are rated very highly here.

More Household News

So I have just been taking care of interesting household tasks lately, while also trying in vain to fit in book reviews. The household tasks have been many.

As an aside, I chose this beautiful vase on the left as a prize in Suzie the Foodie's drawing last month. I won a $100 gift certificate in her giveaway and I decided that instead of choosing something to cook with that may not get much use (sorry, Suzie..I know you understand) I'd instead get a pitcher/vase. We have gorgeous roses in our rose garden and this would be a lovely more formal type vase to hold them. Throughout the summer I have fragrant roses in my house! The vase was out of stock so I've been waiting for it, and it finally came in! Thank you, Suzie and CSN Stores. I eagerly await it.

I finally finished the initial application for my Brazil trip visa this fall, thanks to my hard-working assistant Sylvia, plus some help from LoveHubbie, as well as our relatives in Brazil. We all worked together this week to finish things up. This was great.

Also our refrigerator broke and so, with the assistance of the appliance repairman, we had to haul it outside for several days to defrost so that he could fix it. We now have the refrigerator back in place again, and hopefully it will work long term. It will be nice to have ice for the hot days again.

Monday night LoveHubbie decided we'd get heating and air conditioning installed in our house. We have been thinking about this for a few years, but suddenly and unexpectedly decided to take the plunge. We've had no central air conditioning (just a little window a/c in our bedroom) all along here, and in the winter we've just used a wood stove for heat--no furnace. When the power goes out, as it often does, we have a small gasoline powered generator that LoveHubbie fires up and keeps pouring gas. Summers feel pretty hot here and winters are not just cold, but involve lots of hauling of wood, plus sooty residue, soot-stained walls and ceilings, poor air quality, and power outages at unpredictable times. So we're getting an entire system of furnace, air conditioning, generator, and a propane tank. I can hardly believe it! Two days hasn't been enough time to adjust to the good news and the big changes. A crew is coming tomorrow and they're going to get it done fast--in only four days! My head is spinning from how different my life will be.

Yesterday I went to LoveHubbie's office and gave the employees a presentation on their new health insurance. Our old plan was discontinued. Now we pay much more for far less benefits. We have the best plan available in our area, but even so, I think it is substandard, and much less than we had before. Health insurance is the only product I can think of that stays in business by offering less and less every year for more and more money. And the insurance companies continue to show large profits even in this economy.

I'd love to have some profound thoughts to share with you, or something exciting to write about. Instead, it's just pretty mundane household stuff. I will plan for some more interesting posts :) Although, honestly, I'm really, really excited to live independently of the weather. It's something I used to take for granted, but not anymore.

~The photo of the building is actually our barn, not our house, taken by LoveHubbie. I thought I'd post the more rustic looking barn to be...funny :)