Coming Home From Texas

It's sort of an interesting story, so I thought I'd tell it here. We left Houston to fly home and it was 75 degrees outside. I brought some fuzzy socks to slip on over my sandals to keep my feet warm, since I'd heard it was very cold in Seattle. First off, our plane landed after skidding on the ice, but all was fine. Safety!

I'd lost my socks, though, so LoveHubbie gave me some of his, once we got our checked baggage. I think it was 23 degrees. The wind was blowing too. The off-airport parking lot was covered in ice. It was hard just to get to our car. We skated and held onto all the cars, which were packed in really close together, so it was possible to brace against them. It actually was funny. Those of you in the northeast wonder what parking lot does not put down salt or gravel or something to avoid accidents and lawsuits? But we made it into the car.

Then we had no scraper or anything to get the ice off the windshield with, so LoveHubbie tried a credit card, but it didn't work very well. We ended up just running the heater to let it melt (it took about a half hour).

Next, we couldn't get out of the parking space. My car (which LoveHubbie was driving since he feels more confident in the snow) was poised right next to the car on our left an inch or so away. So LoveHubbie finally gave up and got out, then slipped and slid up the hill to get to the staffed kiosk to find help. The one employee who was there (a teenager) came over with a shovel and some salt and we eventually got out. LoveHubbie is good at that. Driving in scary situations.

We made it home to a frigid house. LoveHubbie split the firewood, brought it in and started a fire, set up the humidifier, and we went to bed. It was about 6 hours after our plane landed, so the whole thing took us four extra hours. It felt like we'd been gone for at least a week.

Yesterday morning we woke up early to get ready for work and were going about our business when all of a sudden I had a swift, sharp, hard pain on my sub-scapula (the technical term according to LoveHubbie) that took my breath away, literally. It felt like someone had stabbed me. I've had all sorts of back pain, but not this kind. The pains kept coming frequently and randomly and I couldn't catch my breath. The rest of my back was okay, but the stabbing pain kept coming and I couldn't get my breath. After about a half hour of this, LoveHubbie thought I had a pulmonary embolism (from flying) and said I needed to go to the emergency room. Off we drove.

The ER doctors put me on oxygen so that I could breathe, then tried to get the pain under control. I was there all day having various tests done and was pronounced normal, just with some sort of weird intramuscular inflammatory pain that was in an area that affected my breathing. They didn't know what the heck was going on. Later in the afternoon I came home and went to bed. I am much better today (the pain is just moderate and does not interfere at all now with my breathing). I am fine, thanks to good medical care---even though they didn't figure out the cause exactly, they helped me get oxygen and the painkillers made the pain manageable. And thanks to LoveHubbie, of course.

Despite all of this, I am not sorry I went on the trip or for any of my troubles. I feel like I'm learning so much. Every problem was solved in its own time. I seem to be free of the ever-present anxiety that I've lived with for months and years and that I had when I left on Friday. It is a fantastic feeling. I'm hoping it's not temporary. The trip itself was full of miracles. Read this if you missed yesterday's post.

Everything is okay.

Everything is fine.

All is well.

Not Breathing In Bellevue

If you're not caught up on my blog, this will make more sense if you read this and then this first.

Well, here in my second day of the Art of Living Foundation's First Course, I cut out. Just took off. They'd been blaring the loudspeakers and I had a horrendous earache (a congenital ear problem renders me unable to tolerate sustained loud noise in an enclosed space), so I tried explaining to them, but I'm not certain they understood fully; they insisted I remain, but didn't turn down the loudspeakers to any noticeable degree.

The leaders were adamant that I stay. So I started out on one of the breathing processes, which they insist is the most important one, and my ear was throbbing wildly. We embarked upon a type of controlled hyperventilation at an escalating pace until I couldn't keep up. Something came over me, and I didn't think at all. I just got up, packed up my yoga mat and walked out.

I think I wanted to escape.

I feel like I'm free.

We were admonished not to open our eyes no matter what happened, no matter if we heard crying or screaming or laughter. No matter if it was our buddy (we each have an assigned buddy for the course duration) or someone we came with..."No matter what happened" was emphasized again and again. No matter how scared we got. Our eyes were to remain closed. Closed. And if we felt numb or started to shake or began to have odd things happen to our bodies WE WERE NOT TO OPEN OUR EYES!

Oh yeah, one more thing. About 10 of us 160 people didn't do their homework. I was one of them. It was more breathing exercises in our hotel rooms or homes. I didn't do it because the only way I could stand knowing I was going tonight is forgetting about breathing for a while. Plus it's my tough luck if I don't get everything I could out of this, and I'm willing to accept that responsibility. Sure, I could have lied, and possibly some people did (who would know if you did your breathing exercises or not, after all?) but that's not me.

So the high-level highly respected teacher told us that if anyone didn't do their homework tonight and tomorrow, our buddies would be punished. Really. He really said that! I checked with my buddy to make sure I understood (I only get about a quarter of what's said there because of the accents).

That stuff triggered my cult past too much. Been there, done that. Before the exercise I was willing to submit to their wishes and give it a try even with a throbbing ear. It was important, they said. Life-changing. The most important evening of the course. And I'd paid good money to learn the breathing techniques. And God knows, I want to overcome my problems with depression. But after I fell behind in the controlled hyperventilation I'd felt I'd done my duty. I felt totally compelled to leave. It was kind of a compulsive fleeing thing.

It was the eyes shut instruction that enabled me to leave without anyone trying to stop me. Their eyes were all closed. But I kind of felt like if they had seen me they might have tried even harder to stop me, you know? Probably it's just my cult background talking, and they are most likely just nice people who want me to have this wonderful transformational experience of the Art of Living.

But I'm still glad I left. I'm the type of girl who always follows the rules, but in this case I am so relieved. I feel blessed and grateful tonight.

And free.


~Photo by Spluch via Cute Overload

Breathing in Bellevue First Night (and Wellness Wednesday)

Well, I made it through the first night of the Art of Living First Course (Breathing Seminar). I wrote more about it yesterday, but that was before I really knew what it was.

I made it throught the first night. It was a true learning experience for me. This has to be the most challenging adn trying thing of this type I've ever done.

First of all, the group of participants consisted mainlyof men. Young Indian (as in from India) men. About 70%. Some Indian women and a few Causcasians, but mostly men. Boy what a great experience in seeing how people from other countries have to deal with life here in the US every day. It's one thing to know about it and another thing to actually go through it. Most of the lecture was done in English, but peppered with words of another language, which could have been Indian or Sanskrit, which might be the same thing. Sadly, I am totally ignorant of this culture. I didn't understand much at all, because the speaker had a thick accent.

The main speaker was a highly revered teacher from India, a very holy and respected man. He seemed to be entertaining and funny; unfortunately I didn't get the jokes. I memorized some key phrases that were important in the context of the seminar but let the rest blow right by me. I am proud and overjoyed just to have finished last night. There were some bonding exercises and crowd-pumping-up type things that you find in churches and cult groups and pep rallies. Mostly, though we were breathing, breathing, breathing. All different ways. Every way I've heard of breathing and more. 8 in, hold for 2, six out, hold for 4. In out. Hands level. Hands on your back. Hands on your belly. Count and hold. Again. Again. Again. This went on for over three hours. No breaks.

We were told we couldn't do a bunch of things. Like eat meat, drink coffee or tea, drink alcohol, sleep no more than 6-7 hours, go to the bathroom without a buddy, etc. (There are more!) I used to be a "follow the directions" type girl, and now I just take care of myself and take dictates like this with a grain of salt. You know, I'll do the ones that are generally healthy but if something doesn't serve my health I'm not going to stress about it. Like stopping all caffeine cold turkey, sleep deprivation (which for me is less than 8 hours), or going to the bathroom when I need to---whether or not my delightful young Indian buddy Venky is available to accompany me. It will be interesting to see how that works...a bathroom buddy.

I respect "holiness" in a teacher from any discipline, but I am a big fan of personal autonomy, and subjugating things I need for a group is hard enough for me to do just on this very limited basis. Like going and sitting on the floor in a room for certain hours in order to get a certain result. Especially when they start really late (as in beyond the agreed upon times) and end really, really late at night (again, an hour late). That's hard enough. And when they exert social pressure to get compliance. I just hate that (because of my cult background). Maybe I'm more "American" than I thought, but there it is.

So I got "permission" to wear a pair of "house shoes" instead of going barefoot, because of my foot issues. And I'm wearing earplugs because of a congenital ear problem I have that doesn't respond well to loud microphones in small spaces or people close to me shouting. And I am sitting against a wall (not on my knees and haunches, as required) since I have knee issues. Sounds like fun, eh? I'll be you wish you were here.

Seriously, even though it's definitely not fun, I am wanting to learn about breathing, and that's something I'm sure I'll be able to do. And I'm taking care of myself, which is the "Wellness Wednesday" part.

Today I'm looking forward to the rest of the day, during which I'll write and read and walk and work. And to tonight, when perhaps my attitude will change. If not, at least I have shoes, earplus, the wall, and the ability to think for myself. Hey, I didn't always have all of those things, and I'm grateful.

~Picture by Cute Overload

Breathing in Bellvue

Well, I'm now in Bellevue Washington, home of Microsoft, staying at a hotel and taking a special breathing/yoga seminar here tonight and for the rest of the week. It's only evenings, and then all day on the weekends. I'm working on my book as well, plus re-invigorating my yoga practice. And learning Microsoft Vista...and how to use a laptop. Lots of learning. But it's peaceful and I'm sure I'll get a lot done.

I wanted to take a personal theme for this seminar---Resilience. I hope to be thinking about this and posting about this topic while I'm here. I haven't been resilient...and want to explore becoming so.

Webster's defines "resilient" as:
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

I'm hoping to do all three. Not necessarily over the next six days, of course, but I hope to get a great start.

Yoga is great for depression. So is breathing. The course is with the Art of Living Foundation, which I knew nothing about, but read about them in this book and then again several weeks ago in this book. I'm a wee bit nervous, but quite excited to take a healing step in my personal growth. So by focusing on learning these new skills, I hope to increase my resilience.

I had this trip planned before my May Day crash. Good thing!

Here's a peek at my surroundings. It's 2:24 long. It's been a long time since I've done a video!