Maui Giveaway Winner

Well, here at last I have a winner in the Maui Giveaway--Patti Bourne of bliss fruit in Australia! Congratulations on your win! Please send me your address, Patti. I am so happy to be able to give these lovely earrings to you. Thank you to everyone who participated.

Thank everyone for your support and loyalty as I continue to work towards being a regular blogger again. You all are what makes blogging worthwhile for me.

I love all of you!

LoveHubbie's Photos

LoveHubbie has been busy working, but I look forward to hopefully having some of his photos here soon. He hasn't spent much time in the garden, but I am looking forward to him doing so soon and having some lovely pictures to show you to go with my posts. The weather has been beautiful here in the Pacific Northwest.

Back to Blogging and Being Ourselves

This weekend I helped out with a memorial service at my church for the father of someone in my small group at church (which is called a Life Group). I didn't know her father at all, and actually know her only slightly, since I am new both to the church and to the Life Group. It was a great privilege to be there though. 


One reason that this was an honor for me was that when my Dad died, there were people at his church (which he was officially a member of at the time of his death but hadn't attended in a long time) who helped out with the funeral and the reception. They were so loving and kind and freed me up to mourn and visit with family. The didn't know me, and they may or may not have even known my Dad. They were a blessing. 


Another reason was that I just enjoy celebrating the life of someone who has passed; each life is special and I get to find out how when I hear stories about their life. In addition, it is a good time to contemplate the meaning of life in general and the significance of death. 


Normally when I attend a social function where women help, they are usually family functions and I hang out with the men. This is because the women are in the kitchen, cooking and preparing things according to their cultural traditions. I am not domestic at all, I eat differently from most people I know, and in such situations I never know what to do. So in order to not feel helpless and useless and lost, I visit with the men and talk--something I do know how to do. I often feel as though the women disapprove and that they judge me, as though I "should" know how to make marshmallow-canned fruit--jello salad or Rice Krispie treats. I "should" at least know how to bake "Duncan Hines" brownies! I do not. 


So when I was invited to help out at the memorial with the other women of my Life Group, I was very hesitant. I am so unconventional, and don't tend to fit in most places in general (especially in a church), so I was unsure about how to respond. I decided to be honest and open, rather than just decline to help. The group members seem to be transparent and real and honest themselves, so even though I'm new to the group, it seemed like the right thing to do. I told M, the leader, about my lack of conventional female-type skills. I told her that I was a "great follower" but that I had to be told exactly what to do (as in micro-steps). In most things, I gravitate strongly towards leadership, but not in areas that are completely foreign to me. Anyway, M was thrilled, as she likes to lead and expressed an interest in breaking things down for me. 


It ended up that I had a great time. M broke things down into ultra-micro-mini steps so that I didn't have to figure anything at all out. It was actually relaxing for me. M had pages of notes and details on what needed to be accomplished; she is a gifted administrator. We talked about this later. Her face lit up as she described how much she liked to organize things and work out details. She loved breaking things down into discrete and easily understandable steps. I really enjoyed the simplicity of following the steps and of knowing what my job was. 


At one point in the memorial when everyone was sitting and listening to a speaker, I went and stood with one of the ushers at the doorway and told him that he could sit down or get some coffee if he liked, and I'd man his position to assist any latecomers. He said no, that standing away from the people was "therapy" for him, as he didn't do too well in big groups. I said "Me, too!" So we stood together saying nothing. It was really nice. 


This was a rare social occasion in which I felt useful and free to just be myself. I could also enjoy the people who were there and the presentation on the life of the deceased. At the end of the memorial service, instead of being exhausted and craving time alone, I was energized and happy. I cannot think of a social occasion before in which this has happened. 


From this I thought about how unique we are all; God made us to work together while yet being ourselves. It was a beautiful time. 


Upcoming Post: Giveaway From Maui: Sign up if you have not yet done so. I really, truly am going to give these lovely earrings away, despite my procrastinating!

Wellness Wednesday: Life-Changing Wellness Seminar

About ten days ago I went to a really intense wellness seminar in Seattle. We all know about diet and how important it is to eat healthfully to have a good quality of life. We all know about exercise and how we need to keep moving in order to be able to stay mobile and healthy as we age. However, we often forget posture. I know that I did.

I have been plagued with back, neck, knee, and foot problems for years, so I had high expectations for this seminar from the Esther Gokhale Wellness Center. I was taking Gokhale Method 101, based upon the book I'd recently read, "8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back: Natural Posture Solutions for Pain in the Back, Neck, Shoulder, Hip, Knee, and Food (Remember When It Didn't Hurt)" by Esther Gokhale. This method is based upon how people throughout history have stood, have moved, and stayed healthy without all of the problems we experience in our post-industrial society. It is full of amazing pictures--a beautiful book that I've written a review of for Amazon here. If you go to the book on Amazon, you can use the "Look Inside" feature and see so much of the book (scroll down and you will see that there is a huge exerpt of the book, including pictures, that the author has made available).

Even if you just look at the pictures, I think you'll be impressed. You can actually see how differently people used to sit, stand, lie in bed, work, bend over, walk, and more.

I have begun integrating this posture practice into my life. Three days of classes were so very helpful, and now I need to follow up at home. The really good thing is that although there are some optional exercises for people like me (super out-of-shape with weak muscles)--for the most part this practice is done in the process of life itself and takes no extra time--while you're sitting, driving, moving about the house, working, playing, etc. There is also almost nothing to buy; there is an optional cushion that can help you stretch your back, but a towel or other support can be easily substituted instead. Also, there are free classes, online classes, and more.

This is not simply one person's ideas, but a new movement--a movement to help us return to some of the wise ways of our ancestors that led to health. It's really cool. I took a class in Seattle for which there was a fee, but my health problems are debilitating and I needed something intense and immediate to prevent much more money from being spent on other solutions.

Here are some pictures so that you can see some early changes in my way of moving. This picture is BEFORE, sitting normally (and up straight--I usually slump) on the edge of a chair:

This picture is two days later, after 9 hours of posture instruction:

This picture is BEFORE, standing normally. Note the swaying out in the upper back:

This picture is AFTER, standing normally. Note the straightness in the upper back:

No body cares too much about posture per se, but everyone cares about the benefits that good posture can bring. So if you'd like even more resources about this posture practice, here they are:

Can't Exercise at Work? Try StretchSitting (this is an article describing a particular posture practice in a bit of detail)

Video of Esther Gokhale talk at Google (this is a longer talk given for those of you who are very interested--it's wonderful though!)

Preview of book (8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back) on Google

Great book review along with picture of Esther Gokhale (the founder) bending as she sits (you can really, really see how Esther has an unconventionally healthy back)


I plan on continuing with this for a long, long time. I look forward to the health benefits that will ensue!

Giveaway from Maui

Yes, I am behind...but I hope today you won't care. I am giving away a lovely pair of silver Peruvian opal earrings* made by Cathy U'u of Kachi Jewelry of Maui. The earrings were handmade on Maui by Cathy herself. I bought these in March with the intention of them being a gift for my loyal blog readers (this is YOU); most of my readers are female, but the ones who are male would I'm sure love to win them to give to a special female in their life.

This giveaway is of substantial value, so I would like to give the to anyone who has ever left a comment on my blog before today. If that is you, leave another comment of any length below, and I will choose a winner sometime in May (I'm not sure when yet so enter today!). I'll close the contest when I get a good amount of my regular readers on board.

In case it's hard to tell from the picture, they are for pierced ears. They look like they might be heavy but they are not; they are very light! They remind me of the ocean and of the Maui sky.

~somewhat lame picture taken by Me of earrings with gift bag on my tv tray 




*NOTE: Ang says that Peruvian opals are reported as "helping to quiet the mind, ease stress and to help ideas flow freely".

Sacred Life Sunday: Life = Hope

Just remember that as long as there is life, there is hope.

There is always hope.

I have been deeply touched in the past several days not just by Chani's passing, but by the attempted suicide of a friend's family member, and by the unexpected and sudden passing of another friend's family member. I have been thinking about them a lot. Life is so precious, so fragile, so fleeting.

And so I'm reminding you (and me) again to tell those we love how we feel about them...

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

The Viewfinder

A bit ago I won a contest on Darrah Parker's blog and was honored to select a photo from her etsy shop. Darrah is a Seattle-based portrait, family, and lifestyle photographer whose blog and personal journey I have followed for quite a while. I enjoy all of Darrah's photographs, and love this photo in particular.

To me, it looks like one of those old-timey telescopes that are weathered and used to see things far in the distance. I love the colors. But it means more to me than that. It is a reminder that we all see things through a viewfinder--a lens that is uniquely our own which we use to see things to bring them into our world. Our viewfinder is the story we tell about what we see. There is always a story.

I promised Darrah I'd post about the photo, and in the interim I lost Chani. The stories I told about Chani to myself, the actual fact of her passing, even the viewfinder through which I saw her and how she truly was--all of this made the photo even more timely and precious to me. So I wanted to share this with you now.

Also in the interim, Darrah lost her beloved cat Izzy and wrote about it in a very touching way here.

For more information about Darrah, see her web site.

~Photo by Darrah Parker

In Seattle for a Seminar

So I'm glad to be back to blogging on a regular basis, even though it is under such sad circumstances and some pictures here. I am thinking that it's the last thing that Chani will help me with.

I wanted to tell everyone that I'm in Seattle for a wellness seminar that I'll write more about later. I'll be here four days and it's very physical. I'm quite a homebody so this is a change, but worth it for better health.

But I just wanted to say hello to all and to wish each of you a good weekend.

It's weird that the fastest, easiest way to get a quick snapshot in here of the Space Needle from my room was to take a picture with my phone, upload it to Twitter, download it to my hard drive, and upload it to Blogger. Up and down and up. About three minutes.

Love and blessings to each and every one of you.

Pictures of Chani

Some of Chani's friends don't have pictures of her, so I wanted to include these:

This is a picture of Chani at age 25 (above). Below is a picture of Chani that is pretty recent:





And here is the last picture taken of Chani, after she got a birthday haircut. She was 58:

RIP my dear Chani,

January 26th, 1952 to March 23, 2010

Chani

Hey, everyone, I've been slow to return to blogging after my vacation.

I have some hard news today. My BFF, Chani from Finding My Way Home passed away while I was on vacation. At first (actually until today) I'd thought that she'd just cut off contact with me, mainly because this very thing had happened to me before with friendships with women. I'd felt intense rejection from not being able to get hold of her--I assumed she was ignoring me and had rejected me for some unknown reason--for exactly one month today. I'd talked to her for seven hours during the first two weeks of my vacation---then nothing. I personalized it and felt sorry for myself. It turns out it was just a drama created completely in my head. I could not---would not---conceive that something terrible had happened to her. It had.

It ended up that Chani passed away about three weeks ago, at a crescendo in her life, a BE BRAVE time, right before she moved and started a whole new phase of her life. She died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Chani was better than a BFF, really. She was right beside me at the biggest crisis of my life, 16 months ago, and ever since. She was in many ways my North Star, probably too important to me. I loved her so much.

My biggest regret is that I never told Chani what she meant to me. I hope she knew.

My message to you is that if there is anyone who is important to you, anyone whom you love, LET THEM KNOW. Don't wait. Chani was a good friend. There was no one like Chani, and there will never again be anyone like her.  This is true for everyone you love. Tell them how you feel. Love them today. It may be their last day ever.

So I'm back to blogging, for a sad but important reason.

Going On Vacation

Well, LoveHubbie and I are getting ready to leave tomorrow morning on vacation. I'm very excited. It's a lot of work to leave LoveHubbie's business and all of our goings-on here for three weeks, and I've been busy arranging things. I've neglected blogging, although I've enjoyed reading all of your blogs. It seems that things going on here are more on the mundane side and seem less important to blog about.

As I've mentioned, I'm not taking my laptop, but will have my iPhone for Facebook and Twitter. However, I won't be reading every FB status update and Twitter post. Believe it or not, I read each and every one here at home in a pretty compulsive way. I don't think that many people are as addicted as I am, and so I'm wanting to break this habit. I think I'm way too tied into technology. My word for the year is Presence. In order to live that out, I need to disconnect somewhat from technology, and I'm looking forward to this, as hard as it might be.

On the other hand, it could be very easy. This doesn't matter as much to me---whether it's hard or easy. I just want to do it. My laptop has worn a place in my lap and although I'll miss it, I want to be available for other things. I am trying to emulate the approach described in this post from Christine Mason Miller.

On Monday I meet with my editor for the first time and go over the edited draft of my book. Then on Tuesday, I plan to attend what's called "`O Lono `oe Makahiki Closing, Ki`au`au Ka Wa`a `o Ka `ilila `au", which is the launching of a special canoe off the beach in a Hawaiian ceremony. On Friday night at sunset we are having a party (my first party in at least six years) at our condo for some friends from the Friends of Moku`ula (the project for which I wrote my book). Then on Saturday, it is the launching of the Ka `I`imi `Ike Program for the Friends of Moku`ula; this was delayed by the tsunami last weekend and so we are fortunate to be able to attend. Lots of activity for this Turbo-Introvert, but I am looking forward to it. In between I will have no responsibilities, just time for reading, swimming, and relaxing. So I think I can handle it!

LoveHubbie will be working M-F remotely and is bringing technology to enable him to do so. I am hoping that he will be more open to relaxing once we get there.

I plan to focus my reading on fiction (lots and lots of it), presence, Henri Nouwen, and being in my body more than in my head.

I am also hoping to establish a stronger exercise routine. Since I've been having so much pain when I walk, I saw a new doctor this week who told me that the knee and foot problems I have will be helped dramatically by specific exercises. It was great news to find out that there is nothing degenerative going on, and to find out how to recover.

This will be my first alcohol-free trip to Hawaii. I haven't ever done this before, and am excited about it, a little scared as well (but in a good way, a Be Brave kind of way). It's hard sometimes for me to assert myself by holding to my dietary restrictions in group settings, and oftentimes people don't understand. Still, I plan to venture out on this trip and experiment with holding true to what I believe is best for me. I have been moved and inspired by your comments, and especially one by Jane who wrote about the difference between her dad and brother in how they handle their diabetes. Observing the choices made by LoveHubbie has been motivational in me holding the line with my own choices, no matter how hard.

Low carb eating is not a trendy way of eating right now--most people are trying to be vegetarian and vegan--but it works for me, and a high healthy-fat diet is even more controversial. Most people don't understand or approve of this, but again, I'm going to venture onward. When I give up my laptop, I lose the community support for many aspects of my lifestyle, so it will be a chance for me to look within and hopefully find the strength and support I need.

I will miss all of you so much. I of course will read each and every one of your comments and of course blog posts when I return. I hope you all have times of growth and peace and being brave these next three weeks.

Love and blessings,

O

~All photos by LoveHubbie Mark

Odds and Ends

I have much to share, and it's all miscellany:

1. I'm really enjoying abstaining from criticism for Lent. I'm not sure how great of a job I'm doing, but I'm certainly focusing mindful attention on it. Lori-Lyn is joining me in this endeavor. The weakest link is the marriage one--LoveHubbie--isn't this always the case?
2. I'm enjoying a primal/paleo/low-carb diet. Enjoying really isn't the best word. Better: I'm enjoying taking care of my health and dealing with the anticipated results from withdrawal from heavily refined carbohydrates. 
3. I'm watching the day of my vacation creep closer and closer as I try to get ready. I'm afraid there is no getting ready; more, just a letting go and leaving. 
4. My book is done with the initial edit and I am waiting for the edited manuscript to arrive in the mail. Then I will work in a wild and crazy fashion to furiously come up with a revised draft to take with me to Maui. I've decided that I won't work on it during my vacation (Big Decision). I'll do the networking for it, meet my amazing editor, a and hunt for a publisher, but I'm NOT taking my laptop with me to Maui. My vacation has always been a time of visioning for the next six months, and I'm really needing that right now.  It's hard to keep this boundary. I'm apparently not serious if I don't take my laptop. I am actually very serious and need this time to be disconnected from routine. 
5. For fun and relaxation, please join me in watching the Puppy Cam!

PS Beware, as the Puppy Cam is addictive!

Sacred Life Sunday: The Fragility of Life and Diabetes

Today in church I heard much about the fragility of life. It really got me thinking. I've had a lot of feedback about my post yesterday, all of which I really appreciate, even though some of it was not positive. Yes, it's true: I have a family member who is reliably negative about everything I do. This person took my post as "a big long whine" and a plea for support. I did a lot of thinking about how this post may have come across. I like to use my family member to flesh out the gnarly side of life. So I wanted to clarify a few things.

I appreciate the support I get here so much. It is my main support in life, and I really do value it so much.

With my lifestyle changes...I fully expect that I will be the one who has to do most of the supporting of myself, and as I mentioned, this ongoing support, almost a positive kind of brainwashing, will be vital. I need to constantly remind myself of what I'm doing and why. I need to feed my mind supportive literature and podcasts and self-talk. I need to buck the culture that pushes me to eat certain things for social reasons. That's been my downfall in the past.

Not everyone needs to eat a rigorous diet. Moderation is a beautiful way of living and I believe in it. Green smoothies (not just a food item but an way of eating popularized by Victoria Boutenko in 2005 in her book "Green for Life" and others) are working out well for Julia. I drank green smoothies for months when I was totally raw and also at another time when I was without most of my teeth and yet wanted to keep a clean diet; again, a healthy way of ingesting nutrients. I have training as a raw chef, have been vegetarian and vegan and totally raw, and as I wrote, am familiar with many other different healthy ways of eating and of weight management, having studied nutrition for over thirty years. I am talking about something quite a bit different. Something that has to do with the fragility of life.

I have a friend, a Hawaiian teacher (kumu), the one I was writing my book with initially. He has diabetes, just like my husband, and just like I will if I keep on eating healthfully while including carbohydrates in my diet. In the almost three years that I have been working on my book, my friend has gone from being healthier than I am, to being ill, to losing his eyesight and then one by one, each of his legs and most of his fingers. Diabetes is a special disease. It may seem to be a common problem, more of an inconvenience almost, and it is, but it can suddenly and without warning, turn deadly. Peripheral neuropathy is incredibly painful. So I saw my friend deteriorate swiftly and surely.

Diabetes must be taken seriously. I see my husband going down a similar path to that of our friend's. Someone who knows he has diabetes baked him special treats and sweets for Christmas as a loving gift of her expertise, not really understanding that for a diabetic, sugar is a killer...someone in his office baked him homemade goods daily for weeks and would leave them in the break room for him, because he is such a hard worker and deserves them, in her mind. He has progressed to the point where he will need to begin to inject insulin soon, despite all of the medication he is taking, because he can not seem to modify his diet. He is tired all the time and continues to gain weight.

It is up to the individual to make intensely personal decisions about how stringently they need to eat and what they want their quality of life to be. After extensive research first for LoveHubbie and now for myself, I know exactly how to eat. I have just delayed. Been afraid of change and allowed myself to buy into a story that makes it "hard" for me to do anything else. But I can just as easily do the hard work of being different and having a different story. This is what I've decided to do!

So I meant the post from yesterday to be kind of a confession of my general laziness and of my ability to buy into a "oh I can just live like everyone else" type of denial. I didn't mean it as a whine but as a transparency of my hitting bottom that is hopeful and exciting and adventurous because I've finally gotten the message. I can indeed write the story of my life differently, and I am ready to do the work. I can and will show the integrity that is so important to me and so vital to my experience of who I am in the world.

I appreciate your reminders to be gentle and compassionate with myself and I will. I promise.

Most important of all, I've truly realized in the last day or so that it is absolutely, positively A-OK that change is hard and uncomfortable right now. I've let that stop me for too long. I've let it discourage me and dissuade me from doing what I know is right for me. Hard---okay, check. Yes, yes. Uncomfortable---okay, check. Yes, absolutely. I can handle this. I'll do the mindful thing. Breathe. Get through this. Observe. Breathe. I know that my path is leading me toward abundant life, which is all that matters to me right now.

This road is not for everyone. But I can say that I wish that it had been the road for my friend. And that I wish it will be some day for LoveHubbie. And that I'm glad it's here for me to provide an alternative for me.

Thank each one of you for what you wrote, and to those who supported me off the blog as well (especially@livinlowcarbman). A special thanks to my cranky family member whom I love and who brings out the negative in every situation---you are my greatest teacher on the road to love.


~Photo from 1980 taken by Roderick Lee Dail

Livin' With Integrity and La Vida Low-Carb and Me

This morning I rewatched an Amazon video review I did for Jimmy Moore's first book called "Livin' La Vida Low-Carb" and almost cried. Here it is 2.5 years later, and as much as I believe in this way of eating, I am still just as heavy. My extensive knowledge base has been bolstered by numerous other books about healthy eating since then, the two most notable being Gary Taubes' "Good Calories, Bad Calories" (especially for academicians and scientists) and Nora Gedgaudes "Primal Body Primal Mind".

I definitely know how to eat for my own health, as nutrition has been my hobby for over thirty years. The problem is that as extensive as my knowledge base is, I've continued to eat a diet that despite lots of Nordic walking and gyrotonics, keeps me heavy. It's a good diet--healthy whole organic foods, which are easy to find where I live. It just keeps me heavy and does nothing for my damaged blood sugar regulation system. Despite even cutting out drinking alcohol (a drastic step for me as a wine lover), I've become pre-diabetic. And then late last year I had to stop gyrotonics because of health issues. Now I'm having to cut back on walking due to problems with my knees and feet. I do believe that these health problems are weight related. Besides all of this going on with me, LoveHubbie is diabetic, heavy and soon may need to begin injecting insulin since the medication alone cannot overcome the effects of the carbohydrates in his diet.

So now Jimmy Moore has written a second book called "21 Life Lessons From Livin' La Vida Low-Carb: How The Healthy Low-Carb Lifestyle Changed Everything I Thought I Knew", which I have delayed reviewing. And reading it, btw. This is not like me because Jimmy is the greatest guy in the world, and I love to do book reviews for people I know, even more for those who have an important message. But still, I have delayed.

The reason is fear.

Although I identify with this way of eating (healthy low carb), with this way of being in the world, and although I feel great when I live this lifestyle--I am afraid to change. I am comfortable and my way of doing things works for me on every other level except my health. And I really don't like that period of change at the beginning when change is hard and uncomfortable and takes effort and hard work.

So here I stay.

False starts and stumbles over the past months have left me feeling defeated. I watch my friends succeed and do great things. Like Julia Rogers Hamrick who is eating a healthy raw and whole foods diet and shedding pounds. And Lori-Lyn who is vegan and now giving up sugar. And Chani who has lost her weight with Weight Watchers. They have found what works for them, ways of being in the world that resonate for them, and live them out. I am envious of their integrity--that they live out what they know is right for them. They walk their talk.

And here I sit.

But I feel like I've hit bottom and I'm sitting AT the bottom--a place where I don't want to be.

So I'm going to make another beginning. I'm starting right now to eat the way I know my body loves. I'm going to care for myself. Be congruent with what I know and believe and with how I behave. I'm going to aggressively support myself in doing this, too, because I need a lot of support.

Oh, and yes, Jimmy, I'm going to actually read your book that has been sitting here on my "To Be Read ASAP" pile for the last three months. Then I'm going to review it. But most importantly, I'm going to live out what it says.

Valentine's Day, Grey's Anatomy, and Married Love

I watched Grey's Anatomy's Valentine's Day show and set a record of crying twice in it--once at the 45 minute mark and once at the end. I couldn't get the show out of my mind and had to write this post.

The show was about a woman who was in a dead marriage and had gone to a restaurant to eat with her husband for Valentine's Day. They went there every Friday. Over the fifteen years of their marriage they said less and less to each other and now just ate in silence. At the same time, their waiter had been in love with the woman for many more years than that. He never said anything though. When the man proposed to the woman, the waiter was the on who put the ring in their creme brulee. He truly knew and loved, even adored this woman, yet kept silent.

At this particular Valentine's Day dinner (which was on a Friday), the roof fell in on the restaurant and everyone was taken to the hospital. The woman and the waiter ended up being in the same room together (the waiter bribed the doctor to be next to her). The waiter didn't want to do anything except to be close to the woman and keep her company while her husband was in surgery. He also let the doctor know that he would comfort the woman if her husband did not survive and she would never have to be alone if she didn't want to be. The waiter was particularly touching to me because he so obviously loved the woman in a profoundly giving and unselfish way. And the woman seemed to be a typical neglected middle-aged wife, unaware of someone so close by who had loved her for so long.

Well, when the waiter had told his story to the doctors, the woman had been pretending to sleep but was actually awake and heard his story of love for her. Two of the doctors became aware of this and took bets on what she would do. Would she declare her love for the waiter and choose to be loved? Or would she stick with the neglectful husband and choose duty? These appeared to be the two choices.

As the show progressed, the waiter was taken into surgery also and one of the doctors had a chance to talk to the woman alone. The woman explained that she too had loved the waiter so many years ago, but he had never declared his love for her so she didn't know. Then she met her husband and she fell in love with him and married him. Marriage is an every day choosing, she said, and she still today chose him. In fact, she said it was nice to sit with him on those Fridays at dinner and to not have to talk. It was her choice, she said, and she truly loved her husband. I could really tell that this was the case. Whether or not her husband cared for her or loved her back, she definitely loved him. I had the impression that even though her husband didn't truly know or care for her the way the waiter did, she still loved him.

Then later, the waiter died in surgery. The doctor who had spoken to the woman had to come to tell her. The woman accepted the news, and then when the doctor left, she fell apart, crying inconsolably. I understood her tears and cried my own as well.

The show brought to my mind and heart a truth about marriage. It is indeed something we choose every day. Every single day. I have been married three times and know three different marriages. I know how it feels to love my husband. I know how it feels to be loved by my husband. Sometimes those two have come together. Sometimes they haven't, even within the same marriage.

I know how it feels to choose duty over love and to lose a chance to be with someone who might really be able to love me back. And I know how it feels to choose love over duty and to abandon someone I deeply care for but to take the risk that I will be happier and be loved more by someone else. I have made both of these decisions.

What every woman wants is both to love and to be known and loved in return. At the same time, in the same marriage. If we do have both, we are so blessed! However, I do think that much of the time, we have to choose. I know that I have had to make this choice. Do we choose the man whom we love in the marriage we are in even though we are not ever really truly known or loved in return? Or do we step out and take a chance to be loved in return by someone who obviously seems to love us and whom we think we love or could love in return? As I wrote, I have done both, and there is no simple answer. Both choices can be agonizing.

Many people are single on Valentine's Day and feeling lonely and unloved. Many others are in marriages and feel exactly the same way.

I wish for each and every person the experience of being loved. All love is precious, and all love has ups and downs. A marriage can change and be different things at different times in its duration.

If you do not have mutually romantic love in your life this Sunday, as many single and married people do not, please take joy and comfort in friends, family, and a loving God/Universe. This is something we all have. And this is a time to celebrate all love, memories of past romantic love, and the hope of romantic love to come. Love is a beautiful thing in all of its forms. Whether it is returned or not. Love is love and something to be grateful for. And no love is ever wasted.

May each of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark