What Has Sprung Free

This post was prompted by what Kelly asked me in a comment, "What has sprung free in you?" She wrote this because I am writing many more posts this year than I have in a great while.

I think it's my word of the year for 2012, "ImperfEction". I am willing to be just as I am. My posts might be poorly written or well written, interesting or not, etc. and I have let go of all of that. I'm willing to just do the best I can.

Also, sometimes when I have read your comments in the past, I've been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support you offer me. At times it is hard to think of an adequate response. Nothing I could write would seem to be enough for what you wrote. I have let go of that. I'll reply imperfectly, but receive what you offer and send love back to the best of my ability.

Something else I've let go of is who my audience is. In the past I've felt uncomfortable with being vulnerable to some of the people who read my blog. I have an upcoming post about them called "Enemies"--something not often written about here or in the blogs I read. My regular community is the most loving and supportive and amazing...so I've decided to just be vulnerable anyway, and let the others do what they do (since they will anyway). I don't want to lose the closeness I value with each of you.

Lastly, I've thought about what I would regret if I were to die or say, if the world ends in 2012 :) I think that this is a useful exercise for anyone to do in order to prioritize their lives and to make good decisions. I would deeply regret holding back from the connections I value so much here.

So in 2012 I decided to GO FOR IT :)

iMPERFECTLY♥

Below is a painting that hangs on my wall in the nook where I work. I purchased it years ago and it's by an unknown artist (I can't read her/his name in the signature). It is a poem called "I Am Enough". I have posted this before, and it's worth posting again here for today:



UPDATE: I found out who created this: the artist's name is Kristen Jongen and her web site is Soul Soup! Her art work is wonderful and so are her books, so glad to finally "find" her!

So Many Posts! Did You Miss Any?

I've been posting so much lately. I wanted to just re-announce that I'm back to blogging at the happyluau for 2012, fast and furious and imPerfectly. Some posts are light and hopefully inspirational with quotes and videos. Others are deeper. I wanted to list them here so far in case you've missed any:

Word for 2012: ImPeRfectIoN
Listening
Radical Acceptance
Why I Changed My Name to Olivia
Word of the Year Box
Doing Art...ImpErFEctLy
One Year Ago Today

I have enjoyed and appreciated your feedback so much, and actually, the whole process of sharing imperFectly this year that I want to continue at this pace, so hold onto your hat. Or not--if you lose it, it's not the end of the world, as you can venture hatless and even disheveled into your day (as I have been known to do)...imPerfectly!

~Photo By Me

One Year Ago Today

Today is my deceased mother's birthday, but that's not why I remember today.

Today is the date that a beloved uncle of mine died, but that's not why I remember today.

Today I am so grateful. One year ago today I got a diagnosis of macular degeneration and thought I was losing my eyesight. I lived with this diagnosis for two months, until March 15th, when I got a second opinion from an expert in macular degeneration and found out I was fine. It ended up that I had several eye problems, but none of them that would cause blindness in the near future. These eye problems perfectly mimicked macular degeneration when seen by a general ophthalmologist who would not have all of the specialized equipment of a specialist.

I can see!

Those of you who are reading this normally can also see, and it is a blessed gift. Today, celebrate with me, and please grateful for the wondrous gift of sight!

Doing Art...Imperfectly

This is via Kristine Mays on Facebook, and it was so good I wanted to share it here. Note that it does contain some profanity. It is about doing art...imperfectly.

Word of the Year Box

I just received my word of the year box for 2012 from the Queen of Arts and it is wonderful! For those of you who don't have one yet, you can get yours here. They are inexpensive enough that everyone can afford one.




PS Mine came with a special gift, and in gratitude I'm sending a special shout-out to The Queen--thank you Kim!


~Photo by Me, and this was the best I could do (imperfectly). Wish I could do justice to this pretty little box, but alas! the glare :(

Why I Changed My Name to Olivia

(My family of origin--I am at the far left wearing the sunsuit.)

For years, whenever I heard people call my birth name, I would flinch or startle. This was because for years my mother would scream my name as she would beat me; I had such terrible memories of my childhood and I wanted to put them behind me. So, I finally changed my name when I was 33.

I picked "Olivia" partly because the name means "peace" and partly because of the "liv" in the center. Peace was what I valued above all else and what was missing from my childhood. And I wanted to live, instead of die, as my mother had raised me--my mother brought me up believing that I would die, like all of the other oldest daughters my maternal line of ancestry, shortly before my 45th birthday.

My grandmother had died a few days before she was to turn 45, as had her mother. My mother was convinced that she too would never live to see 45. She raised me to think I would not either. For example, when I said I wanted to walk with a pretty cane when I was an old lady, my mother would say, "You know you will never be old--you're going to die just like my mother and grandmother because you're an oldest daughter."

I never wanted to be anything like my mother. Especially, I wanted to live instead of die. I love that saying my name reminds me of what I want to do. I also had some intensive counseling for the year after I turned 44. I reminded myself that my ancestors were miserable (as my mother had described them) and had probably wanted to die--like my mother. I was happy, loved life, and did not want to die!

My mother looked forward to death and anticipated hers with resignation. She was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia and died on January 3rd, eight days before her 45th birthday. I remember the lessons she taught me when this time of year rolls around.

I was reminded of this also by Kim's post and her choice of the word "Live" for 2012. Writing this now, I realize that she posted this on the 30th anniversary of my mother's death.

As cruel as my mother's heritage might seem to some, she taught me many things about life and about how I wanted to be in the world. She had a horrific upbringing and truly did the best she could with what she knew. I do not miss her, but I am grateful for the lessons she left with me.

And that's how I came to be known as "Olivia".

Radical Acceptance

This such a great quote on Radical Acceptance. Especially the last sentence:

Radical acceptance is not simply a cognitive stance or cognitive activity; it is a total act. It is jumping off a cliff. You must keep jumping over and over because you can only accept in this one moment. Therefore, you have to keep actively accepting, over and over again in every moment. 

If radical acceptance is jumping off a cliff into the deep abyss, then there is always a tree stump coming out of the cliff just below the top and the minute you fall past you reach out and cling onto that stump. And then you’re on another cliff’s edge, asking perhaps, “How did this happen?” Then, you jump off the cliff again. 

Radical acceptance is the constant jumping off, jumping off, jumping off and jumping off, yet again. Radical acceptance is also the nonjudgmental acceptance of the repeated grabbing onto the tree stump.

~Marsha Linehan via Bon Dobbs' blog "Anything to Stop the Pain". Marsha Linehan developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for use especially with people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and recently came out about having BPD herself. The quote was featured in this post by Bon Dobbs.

Photo via Joe Futrelle called "Jerry McSnudd's Falling Off a Cliff Hits"

Listening

Well, so yesterday I shared my deepest thoughts with someone I want to be close to, someone very precious to me. I could tell she wasn't that interested, but convinced myself that as soon as she heard what I was sharing she would definitely be interested. Since it was about my life's course and something very important to me, and all. She wasn't. She gave all the signs of not being interested. They were strong, strong signs. Which I ignored.

I so wanted to be close to her. I ignored her reactions and I kept revealing myself and my heart.

Incidentally, I mentioned something related to money and continued on sharing. She said, "NOW, you've got my attention. This is something I'm VERY interested in." She said it with a tone implying that the rest of what I'd shared was not that interesting. Still I continued on, mainly because I don't want to see her as someone who is materialistic. I wanted to be close, and I wanted her not to be materialistic but to really care about me, and since that was the way I wanted things to be, I was going to soldier on, by golly.

Towards the end of our ten minute conversation, she was looking down at my book and seeming (still) uninterested. As a last desperate plea, I said I needed eye contact. First she stared at me. Stared and stared, without blinking. I kept talking. She kept staring. I said, "Please don't do that. Please blink." She did. Really, really fast. Fluttering her eyelids, as though it was a joke. Ridiculing my need for eye contact, and for closeness. I felt humiliated and rejected. It felt like she'd rejected my heart.

But the thing is, I set myself up for it. I ignored the feedback from her, which was completely consistent, that she had no interest in what I had to share.

I felt ashamed, but not by her--by myself, because I know better than to keep on sharing with someone who is not interested and who does not value me enough to listen or respect me enough to be kind. I twisted reality into what I wanted it to be rather than seeing it for what it was.

And then I decided not to beat myself up about it. I had a good cry and wrote about it here. And cried some more. And I also did not use emotional eating to cope with my feelings. Say for maybe the first time in a few decades. I prayed for help from my Higher Power and felt gratitude for what I experienced since it obviously is what I need to learn.

This is what I want 2012 to be about--learning the lessons I need to learn from what happens to me--feeling my feelings, making mistakes, and then moving forward. And sharing what I learn with you. Thank you, my dear friends, for listening.

Artwork: "Two Women And A Crow" by Colleen Couves at colleencouves.com

Word for 2012: IMperFectIon

I love the new year because it feels like a clean start, a fresh slate, a chance to embark upon a new adventure.

This morning I have been enjoying reading the blog posts of those of you who have chosen words for the year. kate chose Embrace, Lori-Lyn chose Essence, and Patti is letting her year unfold rather than choosing a word prematurely. I decided to break my blogging inertia because I wanted to share my word with you.

This year my word picked me. It came to me before the end of 2011, and I knew it was right. My word is "Imperfection".

I haven't been blogging because I've felt like a dry well, like I have nothing to say. Whenever I was not dealing with life I've wanted to soak things up, take things in, regenerate my soul batteries to deal with the next thing life would bring by. At the same time, my personal life has been filled with all kinds of activity that has involved other people and stories that for the sake of other's privacy I've not been able to share--but I really want to. I've felt empty and muzzled at the same time.

This year I'm determined to find a way to rejoin you and the rest of my community. I don't know how yet, but I know it will be imperfectly.

As a recovering perfectionist, I want to take this year and actually enjoy doing things imperfectly, knowing that the lack of perfection is not a reflection on my worth or a display of weakness, but a reflection of my value apart from my performance, and a consequence of my taking risks, coming out of hiding, and trying new things.

Imperfection is actually a new freedom for me. Instead of being self-compelled to doing "all things with excellence"--my mantra for the years 1957-2011--this year I plan to do all things imperfectly and to take delight in doing so.

Please join me on my new adventure. I promise I will share it with you more often and...imperfectly.

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Pure Foolishness

"Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness. "

~May Sarton

This quote is courtesy of my blogger friend and artist Carmen, thank you for the inspiration. I have always been good with the discipline and order part, weaker with the play and foolishness, especially pure foolishness. In this second half-century of my life, I am going to remedy that!


~Photo by Me

Sacred Life Sunday: Necessary Rest

Sometimes we choose rest, and other times our bodies demand rest. Friday my body demanded rest.

I had various health challenges that rose up throughout last week while I was pushing to meet my quotas for NaNoWriMo and Art Every Day November. To make a long story short, it did not work for me to incorporate these wonderful projects into my life right now, to my great disappointment. I successfully worked them both for three days while also needing to install a new operating system on my computer, coping with a distraught family member who became suicidal, and finding out that my migraine medication of 40 years has been discontinued and having nothing effective to replace it with. Several other stresses rose up too. I haven't had such a week in many years.

Among other minor health challenges, I developed carpal tunnel syndrome again in my wrists along with the tendons in my thumbs becoming inflamed (due to the extra typing I was doing). I therefore have to keep my typing to a minimum for a while, and am hoping that since I only let this continue for a few days it will reverse itself. I also severely strained my left shoulder--I'm still not sure what is wrong with it.

So I'm resting this weekend.

I do accept this, and will figure out what to do later on after I'm feeling better again. (:

~Photo by LoveHubbie Mark

Thank you to everyone who cheered me on in my mushroom post :)  You have to be quite an expert to try to eat mushrooms--you really have to know what you're doing, and I do not, so I'd never eat them. I do eat local mushrooms that I buy that others have identified though. Some of the ones along my driveway are so ugly and slimy that they could not be made appetizing to me no matter what had been done to them.

Here are just a few more pictures:

I hope you enjoyed these :) Wishing you a wonderful weekend filled with blessings, joy, and peace, xoO

November Every Day

This month, in addition to participating in NaNoWriMo, I'm going to be joining Leah in her Art Every Day Month. So that means I'll be making art every day as well as writing 2,000 words or so each day. I think that both processes will complement each other.

Find out more about Leah's Art Every Day Month here, and if you'd like she has exciting resources for support as well here--one resource she has is a cool Art Every Day Month Survival Guide, so check it out!

Whatever happens, November is going to be a super-exciting and challenging month. I'm excited!

Wellness Wednesday: In Gratitude

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post about my professional plans and NaNoWriMo. You all helped so very, very much.

I really liked Patti's plan of mixing creative alone time with time out spent with others part-time. That really is what is appealing to me the most right now. Kate R. suggested following what gives me joy, and I so want to remember that. Mary Catherine and Kate I. brought up that I could decide after I have more information after November, and that is what I think will also work best for me. Kate I. also reminded me that I can change my mind if something doesn't work, and that uncertainty can be a fine place to rest...all will be well.

Everyone--Patti, Cinner, Kate R., Mary Catherine, Sarah, and Kate I.--all had encouraging things to say about NaNoWriMo, and guess what--I'm doing it in just 5 days--Whoo Hoo! For those who are interested, more info about NaNoWriMo is here, and one of my blog posts from 2007 about NaNoWriMo is here.

So this week I got out my trusty old AlphaSmart Neo whom I named Kaiolohia back in 2007. She had to be dusted out and pulled out from long-term storage as she hadn't been used at all in the past four years. She needed a whole new operating system installed, so I got to know the technical support people at AlphaSmart and was very impressed. I now have a dedicated word processor specifically for production writing, and she's all set up and ready to go! 50,000 words, here I come!

In addition, I looked back at my posts and videos from 2007 about NaNoWriMo and noticed that several of you who congratulated me about finishing four years ago are still readers of happyluau and are people I consider now dear friends: Patti, Kate R., Kristine, and Kelly. Thank you for hanging in there with me for so long. And thank you to all of you who read and encourage me with your comments. Today, I am so very grateful for YOU!

Sacred Life Sunday: Mushroom Season

Well, it is fall in the U.S., and in the Pacific Northwest it is mushroom season. I have much going on in the drama and relationship area that I cannot blog about, so since I want to stay in touch with you and share my life with you, I'm sharing what I can, and today it's mushrooms. These are all mushrooms I spotted in a single day on my driveway, as here they pop up everywhere in all sorts of colors. I like not knowing what they are called, but simply enjoying them for what they are.

Especially if you're not from the area, I thought you'd enjoy seeing some of nature's miracles.

I headed out with my camera, hoping I'd find some good ones to share with you and I wasn't disappointed.

This first one shows how the mushrooms pop up anywhere, even where other things are planted:

Here is an interesting mushroom with an Asian-type hat as a top:

This picture shows how they are seeming to pop up all over the place:

Here is a rather large mushroom with a gigantic slug squeezing it. Kind of creepy in an October-Halloween kind of way:

Here is how they can cluster along the driveway:

This picture shows the interesting texture of these mushrooms:

This mushroom is thick and meaty:

Look at the bright orange color of this one:

And up close: 

This one is quite slimy:

This one complex:

And here is one last one for you:

I hope you've enjoyed these, and that you had a wonderful weekend, and a special Sacred Sunday!

~All photos--such as they are--by me--can't wait until I get my new phone with a working camera. I need the editing software...these are as good as I could get, though, and I really hope you enjoy them :)